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On Sunday, October 16th, 2011, I got up at my usual 5:00am and prepared for what would be my first official long run. I haven't run for this amount of distance or time in over ten years. The path was pretty flat and ended up being 7.4 miles, with a completion time of just under two hours. Yeah, I know it's slow but it's the best that I can do. I gave myself permission to give up, turn around or simply walk if I wanted but never once did it really dawn on me to quit. There were plenty of moments when my calves were on fire and my thighs were a bit achy. Let's not mention the crankiness of my lower back which I have learned to deal with and shift my weight a bit to help it subside. Honestly, over the last several years I've had this lower back pain, it has become a true companion, so much so I thought we would never court running but I've discovered something about the human body and that is your mind is greater that your physicality. I call my back pain Magdelene, she's rebellious, feisty, and often misunderstood. She thought she had me, thought I would let her grip my livelihood, I showed her what I was made off over the summer when I endured 12 weeks of bootcamp. She pushed back and let me have my victory but every now and then she likes to step out in to the open with her daggers to remind me of the neglect I've inflicted on the 44 year old body. She tried to have my way on Sunday but I gently stretched my legs, shifted the work of my run from my thighs and fully into my abdominal core, she went to sleep and left me alone. I can't say the same for her cousin Dom who enjoys inflicting muscle soreness at every chance. But more than anything, what this experience did was remind me of what I am capable of. What I can do when I put my mind into it. And what can happen when I put just a little amount of effort and belief. It also reminded me of how I like to sabotage myself and after getting on the tip of success, I partake in the most ridiculous behaviors that tumbles me back to where I started.
The success of this run, the work that it took, the journey to keep putting one foot in front of the other for seven whole miles, the push to keep the body moving, the sweat, the tears, the miracle of doing what I thought was impossible just a few weeks ago was the beginning of my need to rethink my life. This run awakened in me something different and new. It reminded me of who I am. It inspired me to tap into that place that has an innate ability to succeed. I didn't really understand it when mentor and friend, Rose Martin, Executive Director of Peace Neighborhood once said, "your problem is your afraid of success." I thought people were only afraid of failure, why would someone be dumb enough to fear success? It would take many years and a long run on October 16th, 2011 to culminate into an epiphany, I had an aha moment. I realized that my fear of success stems from my deep seated belief that I don't deserve to succeed which is completely the opposite of my sometimes 'cocky' persona that exhibits high levels of entitlement. I gather that the entitlement is based on something more simplistic and the cocky rears its head because of the lack of success.
I want to tell you that it's not about the success, but the truth is this, if doing my best warrants success then I just want the ability to accept that that is what is in store for me in my life. I don't want to be less than I am, so as to not experience what I perceive is the uncomfortableness of success. What I really want is to wake up in the morning knowing I did my very best. My best is going to be good because that's just something that I've been given. People always tells me that what I touch turns to gold. What they don't realize is that, everything I put my heart, mind and soul into comes out great because there is something to be said for full effort and intent. I put my effort in to running while my intentions were to complete the 7 plus miles run.
On the other hand, no one ran for me, no one endured the wind when it felt like it was pushing me backwards although my legs were pumping my body forward, no one assisted in enduring with wet and damp running clothes that felt like ice cubes on my skin, no one was there to tell me how to get up that funky hill on Washtenaw Avenue when I was certain that my legs were going to give out, no one was there to enjoy the quiet rising of the sun as I ran past crisler arena and unfortunately, no one was there to enjoy the sense of accomplishment when I edged onto seventh street. Although seventh avenue was nearly two miles from home, it mostly down hill with a few up hills that could be overcome very easily, I was home before I even physically made it home because I knew I had the last leg of my run in the bag.
Today I kiss, hug and send off into an alternate universe my 'fear of success.' I let it go somewhere else where it can't have control over my life. I thank it for being present in my life for without it I would not know the true sense of 'real' personal accomplishment. I shut the door on it's divisive ways and the paralyzing anesthesia it has inserted into my actions. I send it off with a care package, the type filled with all the moments when I sabotaged myself and I banish it all into the land of amnesia. I honor that success is not the true measure of who I am, it does not come from outside of myself but from inside that part of me that can run over seven miles. It comes from that place where determination and intent gently collide to produce a beautiful sparkling creation. Today I walk toward the light, illumined to be the best me, the God in me, the perfect me, the divine me, the me that has always been here but has finally decided to wake up. Good Morning Life, I'm here and thank you for having me.
