January 31, 2009 @ 5:12am

Good Morning Saturday! The first thing on my mind is why is there a superbowl and a pistons game on Sunday? Now let's consider the fact that I'm not a sports fan and will probably not watch either game, the importance of this to me is what? I can't answer that, I think I was just thinking that since the superbowl was on Sunday, the rest of the world cease to exist, all sports i benched until after this spectacular affair. Actually I'm glad to know that the superbowl is not that powerful or self righteous, I guess it's like any other day when several sports teams are playing in various locations. This revelation is not important but evocative.
I'm reading the Power of Now byEckhart Tolle and I'm reading this chapter about relationships, well because I've got the thought of entering into a relationship on my mind. And I rad this chapter before but somehow I didn't remember a single thing I had read before, so each word lept out at me with a newness that was unexpected but delightful. However, I felt aligned with the message about love and much of the information resonated with me.
For instance, I have never believed in the notion of "falling in love" because I've always felt if you simply fall into something, then there is the highly likelihood of falling out of it. I'm also a firm believer in just loving someone unconditionally but that doesn't mean you take there abuse or neglect. Eckhart shares in his book this notion of searching and longing for intimate partnership, this something that is outside of ourselves. As long as we are searching for something outside of ourselves we will never find it. The ultimate search is for completeness, wholeness with the self but relationships can be a path to this.
I think about what happens for me when I'm just starting out in a relationship. I meet said person and it is clear we like each other and perhaps we consciously or unconsciously or verbally or non-verbally agree to get to know each other. Instantly, I can now see where some problems might arise. For example, unconscious or non-verbal assumptions are the things that get me into interactions that aren't good for me and I go through a series of events that make me ride the roller coast of supposed love. I'm thinking she/he is giving me the cues for moving toward a relationship but of course, I like to joke around, be silly and talk about anything but where this interaction is going because I don't want to run the person off. But then within moments, days the person starts to engage in behaviour that seems counter productive to building a partnership and now I'm mad, upset and/or distant. Of course the person may check in with me about my feelings and I'll explain my assumption and then they will say well I didn't know that's what you wanted because you never said anything and because they can't read my mind. But of course they can read my body, they can freely partake of my time, attention and affections but of course they can't read where I might be thinking about a relationship, of course not. So one thing leads to another, in some cases we move forward trying to create something but the red flag is there but I can't see it. Or in other cases, there is no movement or there are parameters, we can see each other but only under these conditions. the whole power and control pistol is pulled out and I've always been afraid of guns, so I run to the hills and become the hermit that I was always meant to be. Now for those instances when the relationship moves forward, it is doomed to fail from the ump because anytime someone says I didn't know that you were feeling that way, I didn't know what was on your mind is someone who isn't really interested in your feelings nor are they interested in knowing what's on your mind otherwise they would ask. But this same person has no qualms about using our body as an instrument to obtain intimate pleasure. I get it now.
I get how when things flow a certain way, we are only setting ourselves up for failure. I get that when I'm so invested in a relationship to be or do something for me because I'm in a state of neediness or what Eckhardt calls the state of disillusionment when I feel disconnected and separated from the oneness, relationships become the thing that I look to fill the empty spaces. But nothing outside of ourselves can fill the empty spaces and this seems so odd because our social culture dictates that we need to find fulfillment in relationships with other people. I'm an expert at realizing early on that a relationship is not going to give me what I really want yet I enter in the agreement thinking it will and fighting to the end to get what I think I want. I fail but get back up and do the same thing, the definition of insanity.
I'm not one of those people who get jealous or possessive but I have this cocky confidence about myself. I know that I can hook someone in with sexual intimacy, I'm a pro at this and I watch it time and time again, only to discover that while the sex may be good, it has not one single glue-like property, it holds together nothing. I'm good at judging those who can't see what is good about me, what is valuable in the getting to know me and so I step away. I step out of the dysfunction and I cry out to God for help once again. And with each tear, I fell this inner knowing, this message of self love. A personal sermon suggesting that what I am looking for is not outside of me or with someone else, everything I need I have and I hate hearing it because it means I have to accountable and in just this moment, for a long time I felt it meant I was alone. I can see how I thought that I have everything I need meant I and no we or us. I was afraid that self love would translate to being alone, now I contend that it is simply a space where I can actualize for myself, so as I can be the expression and be in expression with others around the magnificience of love. I guess this is aha moment, wow I hadn't gotten that.
Eckhart was talking about how when two people began their courtship there is nothing but bliss but within a matter of time, usually a very short time we pull away and began to judge. In this place of judgment comes resentment, jealousy, possessiveness and much, much more. I remember in the last interaction I had I was pretty calm about the whole affair and was open for something new and functional. I was able for the first time to look down on the relationship objectively and I witnessed the typical chain of events. In my state of self love, I watched this other human being scramble for ways to create drama, to disrupt my contentment, to attempt acts of possessiveness, the person engaged in nearly violent acts of jealousy and there I was simply wanting to get to know them. I kept saying to them, look you don't have to be anything for me but yourself, I just want to get to know you and it was if I said something else, what that something else is, I'll never know. What I did come to understand and is that this person was so invested in pretending, in creating an image of something they were not and hadn't has someone say to them, it's alright to be yourself. I was saddened because not only could they not open themselves to this simple expression, they had to capacity to be present for me as I expressed who I was. I'll never forget that moment of reflection.
That's why it has been imperative for me to take care of myself, to focus my energy on the resurrection of Charlotte. To get to know me again, to uncover what I really like and to express what I want in this time I am going to live on this planet. I'm not interested in the busyness anymore, in the things to do just so I can say I have things to do. Time out for complaining and whining and bragging about how much stuff I've got to do and no time to do it. time out for engaging in socially acceptable dysfunctional behaviors. Time out for treating myself badly while taking care of others. It's time out for days of feeling suicidal. It's time out for interactions with people that are completely and totally invested in "DRAMA" because I'm here to live. Time in for peace of mind. Time in for simple joy. Time in for witnessing each moment as special, unique and divine. Time in for re-uniting with the earth, the soil, the abundance of plant & animal life around me. Time in for doing the one thing I've always wanted to do with my life and that is write. Time in for eating healthy. Time in for doing more running, I love to run and not away but into the breathe of life and good health. Time in for a sewing machine. Time in for a garden full of food to nourish my body and strengthen my soul. Time in for long walks. Time in for racquet-ball and tennis. Time in for telling stories to children that teach them to know life more intimately, more functionally and more rooted in self-love. Time in for an intimate partnership with a soul who is ready to be the best for themselves and open to sharing life with me, as I endeavor to be my best self.
I get it, I really do get it and it feels right, it feels like the moment and I get this deep and abiding sense of love.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

January 30, 2009 @ 5:12am

I awake a little earlier than normal and I try to spend as much time meditating before I'm summons back into the thinking world. It feels good to be forty-two years old and life has brought many experiences my way. I've managed to get this far with my physical body in tact, a few less teeth and my mind is, well as the old folks used to say "I'm closed and in my right mind."
Today's affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com): Today, I see myself as a spiritual being. I realize there are no limits to what I can be or do. I see only my potential to realize and live all my dreams. As I ponder the meaning of this affirmation, immediately I recognize that I am spiritual being and this is something that I have always been cognizant of and never doubted. The notion of knowing myself as more than the physical body was an understanding that I was haunted with at a very early age but didn't have the mental tools to decipher why this phenomena existed. Church didn't really help although it provided me with just enough insight to keep me from thinking I was totally crazy. Also, it is my Aquarian nature to be a humanitarian and to care about people but it was clear from childhood that people were suffering, this bothered me profusely and although I couldn't quite find an answer to resolve all the hardship humans endured, I felt there was an answer somewhere. I was not fooled into believing that the answer was in the by-an-by but there was a small part of me that was willing to wait until death to find the perfection I sought for in life. Now, I sometimes feel as if I could kick myself for spending so much of my time in an ignorant mode of victimhood, there are so many things I want to do and today's affirmation reminds me that even at 42, there are no limits. There are no limits, this notion of limitless feels euphoric and has a seducing quality, it's as if I'm not sure if I should believe it or not.
I can realize my dreams. My dreams are simplistic anyways and not because of mental limitation but because there isn't a whole lot that I want. I want peace of mind, love, joy, compassion and connection to community more than I want a million dollars or a expensive car or home. I'm also finally feeling that internal clock, the one that yearns for a long-term relationship, I think it's like the biological clock which never went off in me and hopefully it won't ever because the last thing I need are babies. I like children and enjoy the energy of spontaneous youth but to spend my days with an unpredictable sleep pattern or slapped with the seemingly endless diaper fumes for what seems like years but from months on end. I like the whole child rearing phase from 2 years old to right before they stop liking you as a parent and this not liking the parent thing can happen anywhere from 10 to 18. Before they are two I would much prefer to keep my big sagging breast to myself, the feeling of being touched out was common when I breastfed yet the little growing spectacles needed nourish and the kind of nourishment in the store was out of my budget so free food was the ticket. Also, I wonder how much of current social cultures pulls women away from their natural maternal instincts. In what ways are we so ill equipped to nurse with compassion and joy. There were moments when I found the joy of offering my tit to my tot and I cherish those memories with pure delight.
As I enter in the 7th cycle of seven, I get the feeling that I will live life more abundantly, I will step into my spiritual beingness and know the wonder of living. Of course, I want to be dismayed about the timing of it all but there is no time like now, so I'm focused on the moment, giving each breath attention, each bit of consciousness a chance to expand endlessly into the realm of possibilities. I have for many years believed that we have many possibilities for our lives, it's just a matter of going in one direction or the other. I choose to step onto the path of my heart's desire, to once and for all honor what it is I want to bring into each moment and to be guided by the divine, as we co-create this thing called living. I like that I smile more at people, I like that I look more at people, I like that despite what I might think as short-comings of people, I see the God in them, I see the good and I see my connection to them.
Yesterday felt like the best birthday I've ever had and it was full of any pomp and circumstance, it was just another wonderful day. A day where I let myself have the day off from certain things and I let myself move in the direction of my desires amid other things. I can see how far I have come. It was utter perfect joy to receive a text message from my mother, saying Happy Birthday. I sent her a message back thanking her for not only the message but for bringing me to this world. I told her that I hoped that the labor wasn't too long, although I have a feeling that I came quick. I've always felt that I choose to come here and I wanted to come here bad. I suspect that I sensed some opportunity in living the physical human form, I wanted whatever that was. I've also been just as willing to go back to the where ever when I felt I was not living up to my fullest or not getting the most out of life. But now, I'm content to being here for however long and I've come to the realization that I may not grasp all there is in the physical human form, yet I'm certain I can come again or perhaps I will look back and realize that I did grasp everything there was.
I am perfect and I whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

It's My Birthday, It's My Birthday!

WOW! I did it, I spent six cycles of seven years on the planet earth in this human form. This is an amazing accomplishment for someone who thought they would die before thirty or at least that's what the deacon said at the church when I was twelve. Okay, I know you're wondering what I'm talking about. What had happened was, I was totally mad at my mother and I kept running away from church, she'd bring me and I'd sneak out and start walking home. Now that I think about it, since I was walking home that wouldn't really constitute running away but at any rate, she'd come find me walking down Washtenaw because it was the only street from Ypsilanti that I was aware of that lead me back home. But I digress, I was sneaking out of the church again when one of the deacons's caught me. He grabbed my arm and he spun me around just as I was about to jump down the steps and land on the sidewalk toward freedom. I was scared out of my mind because for one I didn't think that anyone had seen me leaving and secondly this deacon was tall, the look on his face was mean looking and the grip he had on my arm hurt worst that any of Mama's whippings, so needless to say I was pretty frieghtened. He told me how important it was for children to obey their parents and he made sure to emphasize in summary something about a scripture that said that if I didn't obey my mother I would not live past the age of 27. Now, at the time, my young mind believed him and I lived my life until I was 27 believing this. I may have believed him but that didn't stop me from acting out, running away and I don't think I ever stopped giving my mother a hard. I decided that since I was going to die at 27, I might as well have as much fun as possible and I was a reckless tanzmanian mess.
The day I turned 27, I waited around to die but didn't, then I just thought that God was busy perhaps tied up with all the other people my age who were bad when they were kids and since my last name was Young, it was taking some time for do to get to me. Also, perhaps God was having mercy on my soul because by the time I was 27, I had three small children.
On my 35th birthday, I became frustrated with waiting for God and I looked the scripture up in the Bible and what I discovered was that there was no scripture about kids dying at 27, just something about days being numbered. Now at first I wanted to go kick the deacon in his you-know-what but I had seem him at the last church picnic and he had become old and frail plus I was living in California and didn't have the financial resources to simply fly to Michigan to kick somebody and then return home but I vowed to confront him about the scripture as soon as I had a chance. I never confronted him about the scripture because by the time I would see him again, I had learned too much about spirituality, luckily for him and learned that holding grudges and being mean weren't good for the soul, mine or his.
I'm now 42, it's funny that I think about that story, I think about that deacon and it's interesting reflecting back on my life. I never dreamed that I would be 42 but here I am. I had no preconceived notions of what it would be like, so I'm neither disappointed or elated about what life is like for me at 42. I just know that it is an even number, the brink of another 7-year cycle and I look good, I feel good and I am good. I'm excited about the next 42 years unless there is a scripture that someone needs to tell me about, I've decided to embrace another 42 years.
I'm proud of the person I am today something I couldn't have imagined either. I enjoy my life, I love my kids and I get the feeling that today is just the beginning of some mind blowing living. And hopefully some really, really, did I say really good SEX! I know that this might seem like a departure from being spiritual but as Miss Shug said in the Color Purple "God loves all them feelings. I think it makes God mad when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it. More than anything, God loves admiration."
Between the books I know why the caged bird sings and the Color Purple, my life would be something totally different. I needed those books to help me live, to help me understand the mixture of ruminations bantering about in my mind, in my body and in my soul. Maya Angelou's book was everything I needed and I needed to understand myself as a young black girl. I needed to understand why I wanted to write but didn't feel as I had a voice. I wanted to understand people and why most adults scared the living day lights out of me. But more importantly I was hoping the book would provide me with the tools to make my pesky brother disappear forever. It's funny when I look back on pictures of me and my brother, I miss those times, I miss the brother I used to have, the one I fought with, laughed with, snuck and watched TV with and the brother who was for the most part my sidekick. I loved bossing him around and I loved feeling powerful over him but he was just as strong as me, so I couldn't use physical force, I had to use my mental power. Truth be told, I just enjoyed having someone around who admired me and with who I admired. He was the color purple in my life.
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear Sweet, Sweet Charlotte, Happy Birthday to me! And then of course I move into the Stevie Wonder rendition of Happy Birthday which I much prefer but I always pay homage to the original version of the Happy Birthday song, hopefully I'm not violating some copyright law because you know someone owns the copyright to the song Happy Birthday which I think is utterly ridiculous. The Happy Birthday song deserves to be in the public domain where it rightfully belongs, I think it's in the constitution or the bill of rights, right?
Todays' affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com) is so perfect for my birthday and it states; Today, I reach out and tell someone I love them. I make kindness and compassion a regular part of my life. I'm going to tell more than a someone, I'm going to tell everyone that I want to tell I love them and I think it is a perfect way to spend my birthday, the day I pushed through the wall of the vajayjay to enter into the earth world. I'm excited, I'm inspired and I'm ready for the rest of my life. But more than anything in the whole wide world, I'm ready for this moment, I am in it, experiencing the now of my living. Each breath is a gift, a settling down of my over active mind and the tremendous opportunity to be LOVE.
I am perfect I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

January 28, 2009 @ 7:22am

It's Wonderfully Wednesday and the official hump day. I've never been fond of this term because weekends feel more like a hump than the middle of the week, the hump is Saturday night when you realize that your weekend is half over and it's time to go back to work. The glory of getting to the weekend is far more exciting if you ask me.
I'm continuing to explore the four agreements and particularly the one about impeccability with words. I've watched myself and I notice that in life, for the sake of time and in the name of impatience, I just say things to move life along. If someone ask me how I'm doing, I say fine, good or okay and some of the time that is true but most of the time it is not. For example, I spent a day telling the truth about how I felt. On this specific day I felt wonderful, I was energized about learning that another piece of my writing was going to be published, another notch on my writers belt, I felt proud of myself. So as the day went along I responded to people who inquired about my well being with, "Wonderful" or "I feel absolutely great" or "I am so excited to be alive." Now I forgot how unusual it is for people to respond favorably to this common question. I feel as if we live in the culture where we compete for the title of who can be the better victim. I was challenged by most of the responses which included whatever drug you're on I want some or oh that's good but what meds did your doctor subscribe, I think I might need those or what tended to happen more than not was people who looked at me strange and then ran as far as they could from me very quickly. Or the victimologist who took this as an opportunity to tell me about all of their problems as if my joy put me in a place to resolve all of their issues. And no day is complete without something really special in it and this occurred when a woman on the bus said, "that's what I like to hear, the good news." And we smiled and shook our heads understangin one another across our differences and across our unfamiliarity with one another. I woudl depart the bus before her and I looked back, waved my hands and she placed her prayers under her chin with a slight bow of the head. I responded in kind and that was the moment when I understood why being impeccable and why words of truth can be the bridge that connects our spirits. I realized later on that each of the occurrences were full of life and each had the potential to create a path to connectedness as well. My job really was not to judge but be in the moment of the experience. When I would respond with a list of complaints that seemed like the perfect way to connect to people but what I discovered in time was that it was a superficial connection, we connected on weaknesses and with any weak link, it just doesn't hold up over time. That's not to say that everything I say has to be positive but it has to have earnest life force and not ego-based renditions of what I think life is doing to me. I'm here to live my life not have my life live me. It's not a control thing although most days I'm attempting to tamp down the control-freak in me, but it's more heart centered living where I say what the experience I am having without projecting my judgments on others or my expectations or my mental demands.
Being impeccable with my words for the most means that I will say nothing because in the moment I may not fully understand what I am feeling. All I know is that I'm feeling, I'm having a physical-emotional-psychological resonance of energy. If I do what I normally do which is base the moment on the past, I'll label it in the same ways I have before not giving myself a chance to grow in understanding. As I look at myself, look at what is going on for me, words become almost impossible to compose, impossible to use and words tend to lack the depth of articulation required to adequately convey what is. As a writer, I find that words frustrate me and they give me a launching pad, my prayer is to set one launching pad after another, sufficiently enough to link the knowing, link the essence of a character and to enlighten others about this thing called life. The more I just allow my words to be and not try to organize them in some systematic or socially appropriate phrase, I find the closer I get to the truth, a truth that keeps me alive, a truth that keeps in the light, a truth enfolded with love, a truth that is transcendant and a truth that is closer to the truth than ever before. It's the practice of meditation that draws me closer to silence, stillness and the truth. I don't believe that the truth hurts, that is not truth that is judgment laced with venom aimed at another person in the name of truth. Truth for the most part opens me up to the part of me that I've been hiding, I think it hurts to be open to myself but actually it's just different and once I get used to it, it becomes a place of contentment with a current of joy that needn't have outwardly expressions of happiness. It is the reason I can smile at a stranger who then internalizes my smile as my attempt to get something from him as oppose to what smiles were always meant to be, which is way to connect to oneness that is in all of us. I smile knowing I see myself in others, I see the goodness in others, I see the God-force in others and I see a complete and utter reflection of myself, I feel blessed.
Words, words, words, words are my world. Each day I write these fiction stories with a genuine desire to infuse words that heal, enlighten and that express the magnificience of love. Every now and then I come across moments of pain in a story and instead of running from it, which I used to be really good at, I let those moments live and carry the story to the other side because the other side is the ending with hope and inspiration. Last night I was writing and found that I wanted to claim this notion of having a writers block when suddenly I looked at the thought, viewed with compassion and realized that's just an old untrue thought that I took on and made a part of my idenity. I have a new idenity today, I have no identity at all, my only go is to be the full expression of human in each moment. I put the writers block thought somewhere to the side and picked up my mantra, just have fun, write whatever comes and who cares just go into the space of creativity, travel to the center of flow where the only thing matters is the story. And with that thought I placed pen to paper and rode the tide of flow, it was a delight, it was my moment.
Today's affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com): In this moment, I open myself to God. I choose to move beyond my comfort zone and step into all I can be. I release all negativity and accept that I am a powerful co-creator with Spirit. I am at peace.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

January, 27, 2009 @ 5:50am

It's Tantilizing Tuesday tickling with terrific tremors of titilating, tansmania, tropical tea and tides of tremendous turtle-like trepidation topping tender tonality amidst true toes traversing teams today that tug tenticles with the letter T. Okay, I'm in a special mood today, feeling the tip of my lips, teeth ant tongue. I realize that I couldn't come up with very many words that start with T but now the words are flooding into my mind, tipping, triple-sec, tornado, thunder, tumultuous, timber, tall, train, trap, trapeze, tranny, transgender, troublesome, treble, tenor, things, thimble, telepathy, telescope, trident, toys, tires, telephone, table, throw, tether, tanks, title...
Today's affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com): Today, I release all judgments. I accept that we are all different, yet all divine. I know every time I look into the eyes of another I am seeing God expressing. What a wonderful affirmation and I was just reading, okay barely looking at this piece of paper I have near the entrance to my room or exit. It contains the words of the Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz, amazing writer of spiritual principles. And these rules are so in alignment with this affirmation in that instead of taking the actions of people as some indication of how we should treat them, we can move from a a place always seeing the God in them and recognizing that no matter how they behave, they're still alright and should not be judged. How many of us want to be in the world without judgement? It amazes me the shear amount of people ho consume there time worrying about what other people think, living up to what they think other people expect of them. I know I spent a good amount of time doing this because that's all I knew, that's what I thought was expected of me and as the saying goes, I couldn't win for losing. If it one thang it was another and on and on and on.
The four agreements starts out with being impeccable with your words which I translate into meaning, say what you mean and mean what you say. We live in a culture where we lie from the time we get up in the morning until the time we go to bed. We denote these lies as little white lies but in the end they are lies, untruths and don't serve anyone although we think by telling a lie will spare people, all we do is set up a dynamics whereby we don't really know one another and we hurt ourselves because after we say that we are fine, we want to act out in passive/aggressive ways to communicate that we really aren't fine. This is courage to simply tell people the truth is so hard and yet, it's actually harder for us to tell ourselves the truth, so it is within reason and that is why we perpetuate the little white lies. Also, until we can be still and really access what is going on for us, it will probably be impossible for one to tell the truth or be impeccable. When we do get ready to tell the truth we project expectations or we blame or we take excessive responsibility. Impeccable means just that impeccable, it is an exacting, a culmination of the truth in it' entirety which can be simple or complex. I think about my son, I want him to be more proactive about life, so I stay on him about cleaning his room, if I were being impeccable, I would say to him, son I'm worried about your future and wish I knew that you were taking more steps to create the life you want and deserve. When he cleans his room, it is a way for feel as if he is doing something but it is not what I really want. So, what I'm learning to do is simply check in with him from time to time about his future goals. I'm learning patience and I'm learning to accept that when he says, he doesn't know what he wants to do, that he is being impeccable with his words. If there is a teacher in my life, one who teaches me about impeccability with words, my son is a master. He is a man of few words but the words he communicates are dead on. He says what he means and he means what he says. I'm often sent spiraling into another spiritual lesson when I come from talking with him. He leads a simple life, he is open but not in need of moving in concert with the social norms but he has aspirations about life, love and the future. I want to control him but of course that will work as well as me trying to control myself, so I don't try and I left that desire many, many, many years ago when the twins were teenagers. what I learn about impeccability with words is that really in life you won't have to say much because there isn't much to say. Words are merely signals of action of the past, present or future. We want world peace, we have to be the peace that we want in our lives. Today, I strive to be the peace that I want in the world and I do so by recognizing that we are divine, I release judgment and commit to being impeccable with my words. What better way to live, to grow, to love and to be in the moment.
Tomorrow I will reflect on another one of Ruiz's agreements.
I am perfect and I whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

My erotica story GRAY'S ANATOMY is in the anthology Missionary No More

Okay here it is the steamy, sensual and poetically hypnotic, Missionary No More: Purple Panties 2 is the follow-up to the bestseller Purple Panties.

No one can debate the fact that Zane knows sex. The Queen of Erotic Fiction has hit home run after home run in the literary arena with her literary offerings. Now comes the latest, a collection of lesbian erotica that will have readers squirming on the edge of their seats, curling up beneath the sheets, and fantasizing about the possibilities.

Including in this collection is my story "Gray's Anatomy" and note that I use a pseudonym, freaQuency. The freaQ part is about honoring what is natutally sexual about myself and then as with most things in my life, it is all about the vibe, the chemistry and everything else in between the mind, body and soul.

Missionary No More gives an insight into a world where love and lust have no boundaries. Come take a journey through the eyes of several women who have one thing in common: an appreciation for female sensuality.

To purchase the book go to your local independent or commercial bookstore. To order from amazon go to: http://www.amazon.com/Missionary-No-More-Purple-Panties/dp/1593092113

January 26, 2009 @ 6:20am

Good Morning Monday. I was dreaming that I was giving a ride to a whole bunch of family members which I think is a bit of residue from a scene that I'm trying to write in a children's story. I decided that riding around town with my family was borderline a nightmare, so I tried to drift my mind into another space and time in dreamland but it didn't work as people started tapping my shoulder's, asking questions about the destination. And then of course there was the enfamous front seat driver, telling when to slow down, how to turn and providing apporval or disapproval of my driving methods. At one point in the dream, I removed all the luggage, for some reason there was luggage in the dream and I stopped on State Street near the thrift shop and put the luggage in my other car that happened to be parked on this street. Once I put all the luggage in the other vehicle, I wondered why no one was driving that other car. I went back to chaffeurring the family around and of course they resumed there annoying habits and I kept with this dream for quite a while and in the end we never arrived anywhere I was just driving and driving. That's when I convinced myself to awake because there are some dreams I don't really want to be in for very long, I tend to not remember dreams but here I am writing about it. Not only have I allowed it to become a part of my memory, I'm carving this story into a concrete form, for all to suffer along with me. But where were we going? And why was I the one taking us there?
If I were into dream interpretation, I would have some fancy reason why I dreamt this incident. I will say that I am struggling with how to write a scene about a little girl, her mother goes to pick up her cousins to take them all to a movie but this dream was nothing close to what I'm attempting to write because I was not the driver but the girl in the story is the driving force. I think I'm getting close to a plausible explanation for the dream. Okay, I got it, the truth is this, there is always someone in the family who has the propensity to hold the group together, sometimes it's a male and sometimes it's a female. I think that my family is falling apart yet I'm getting to that age and have shown a level of stability that makes me a likely candidate for familial glue, the one with power to keep the klan cohesive or at least marginally cohesive. I am very interested in this role, a role I hadn't really considered for myself but I'm probably the only one who thinks about this, I'm probably the only that genuinely cares and I'm probably the only who hasn't fought with any of my family with the exception of my sister, who I don't fight with, I simply give her space when she is having mental challenges. I can relate because I have struggled with controlling the content of my brain, my thoughts, my moods, my emotions and my actions. I've never really thought of myself as crazy although there are those who would like to say that I am bipolar although we live in a very bipolar world, there are those who think I'm taking medications which I have never done, not for one day because despite the feel of disorientation, I have uttered prayers with oceans of seas hoping and wishing and counting on whatever higher power entity exist, that it would rbing me to the light of understanding. For all the years I prayed, cried, begged, pleaded, demanded, swung my arms in the air for, the answer never really came to my satisfaction but what I have discovered is that over the years what the divine spirit did was give me bits and pieces because remember I spiritually special ed. In the midst of culmination over time, I would suddenly look up and discover that I had learned to live more peacefully, I would learn to honor my true instinctual feels, I would learn to say no, I would learn to have financial stability, I would learn to stop all busyness, I would learn to be gentle with myself, I would learn to be gentle with everyone else, I would learn to look at the moon, I would learn to meditate, I would learn to honor my body as a temple, I would learn to masturbate, I would learn to decide my own fate, I would learn and learn and learn. And even after all of that learning, what I have discovered is the more I learn, the more I recognize how much I really don't know. I don't know and I may not ever know but at least each day is a new adventure, an opportunity to grow from the unexpected pleasure of awakening to new knowledge.
I used to think so many negative things, one of them was this, I thought that I only had so many words, although I wanted to be a writer more than anything, I had this dilemna because I thought little black girls only had a certain amount of words. I must confess, I'm beyond this thought but only a little bit and the reason why I know this is because as I write, as I am writing today, I am in awe at the words I write, I am amazed that I have all these words, I am flabbergasted at the infinite amount of words at my disposal. For years, I never that this would be but it has taken all this time for me to allow my brain to know the bountifulness of words and the endless amount of writing I can achieve. This is an example of growth over time, the remedial way I come to understand spiritual concepts. I'm just happy that I'm a learner that I'm a person who is a forever student (a term I hated when I was younger) and open to being and getting better and better.
I realize that I may need to be the driving force to keep my family linked and connected. It's a job I had not expected but a baton I will gladly take. And if it means driving them around in a car then so be it. I may not know where we are going but at least we are together. At least I will do my part to assist in making sure that they are alright, that we know we have somewhere to go and people who love us. I'm teared up and blessed by the writing this morning. I'm so humbled and honored to hear the voice of truth, it is so comforting and inspiring.
What a beautiful affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com). Today, I commit to using my gifts to serve humankind. As I serve, I am both a blessing, and I am blessed.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

January 25, 2009 @ 7:00am

Right now, I am still and know that I am a powerful co-creator. All my dreams are within my grasp. I see them; I feel them; I live them. I am grateful (www.scienceofmind.com).
Good Morning Life and what a wonderful Sunday. Sundays are my favorite day of the week, mostly because I don't really do anything or not much besides clean the house so that I can start the week with a fresh and clean space. Sunday is a time for me to mediate for a longer period of time, Sunday is a time for introspection, Sunday is a time for feet, Sunday is a time for dancing, Sunday is for anything interesting and cool. Sundays feel miraculous and full of life. I was born on a Sunday which might be why the holds so much energy for me. While growing up, Sunday was a full day of activity, so much so I had to take a nap in between some of those activities. My mother generally cooked a realy special breakfast and in the midst of all that, she prepared dinner as well. Sunday mornings were mornings full of baths, showers, ironing clothes, arguing, playing and all the stuff that goes into getting ready for church, especially when a single woman has three children. I loved waking up to the smell of fried bacon, there are some days I wish I could wake up to the smell of fried bacon but in order for that to happen, I'd have to cook it and then pretend to go back to sleep to smell it.
I am still, I am open to each moment, I am alive and I am content. There is a way in which writig can engulf the mind, shoveling my consciousness into an air of whirlwind and flow. I' m lost to the spell of creativity, like a kid in a candy store and I don't want to come out. The way words, thoughts, ideas, storyline and scenes wrap against muse, swaddling that part of me that simply wants to write simply wants to give voice to the girlchild who has lived confusion into productive being. I'm emeshed in the characters world, often being told what to do and I don't mind although I have never enjoyed anyone telling me what to do. I want to lay out the actions of this parallel soul with active sentences full of life and continuity. The weaving in an dout of inner and external drama, reflecting realistic portrail of a life lived. Remembering sight, sound, touch, smell and taste is chief challenge. Blending sensation with action, blending what is emotive with what is plainly linked to physicality. To be with the voice of minor who has a way of expressing life uniquely, expressing life as she knows it and expressing what is true for her in the moment. Getting into the scene and pulling out, avoiding spending time explaining things that can be understood through mechanisms that allow me to show. Finding the genuine voice of my main character, she is scared, she is smart, she is confused, she is alone, she is discovering, she is head strong, she is alive and she is going to figure it out as best she can given the amount of knowledge that comes with her gentle age.
I was watching an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat, Pray, Love. I enjoyed her book, it was full of insight about how to beg the question, who am I? She proposed a thought which was, what would happen if you discovered that you picked the life you have, if you before being born you picked your parents and I sometimes think that this is true. I've strteed to write this story where I'm looking into the earth consciousness and I gaze upon the planet and I land on a mass of earth dirt called the United States, somehow I zoom into Michigan the mitten shaped state, it's appealing to me for some reason I won't really understand unitl I am born but although my parents never married or spent any time together once I was born, I have this thought of seeing them at work because this is where my mother told me she met my father. Somehow I am able to have this bird's eye view of them meeting and starting their courtship. There is so much love energy around them, I tell myself to stay close to them because there is something amazing in their aura's. And I enjoy this imagined thought of my parents being in love, the newness of being attracted to one another and the pureness of their affection for one another, that divine time before the ego sets in and tries to tear love away. I'm most proud of my mother who is reserve but open and how full her heart is for a man that really seems to actually enjoy her for herself. And my father, he's figuring out life too but the glow that eminates from him is simply mind altering because he too has open his heart space, he too wants to know the sacredness of love and he too feels that he is receiving from my mother something genuine and real. I imagine the moment they're about to make love. In my pre-world space people have light energy around them, it is colorful to the pre-world eyes, there is no vision of what the actual physical body looks like, it's just light with speckling color depending on the spirit's condition at the time. Bright lights illumine especially purple and this is an indication of love energy, so as my parents are about to engage in there physical act of pre-conception, the glow around them expands allow us floating spirits to enter the space and providing a chance to enter the physical world. I have to race because several other spirits are vying for the life center but somehow I made it in and I know this is because I have already asked God for this chance long before these others. As they make love, the earthly physical act, I rush in and hovering around the life spot that will be infected with the other live match, once the two unite I have exactly one second to enter if I am to be born and enter into the physical world. I was hanging out on one side of the uterus when I notice a mass of wiggling life spots heading to the other side of the uterus where a bundle of light drops were situated, I hovered over there and then before I could figure it all out, the male life force entered the female life force it was so beautiful i just wanted to watch but remembered if I wanted to be born I had only a second to energy the big bang. I enter the unionized life force, there is a moment of shear silence as if I was back at home, the space was open and then I felt as if the lights went off. it took a minute but this is when I realized I had successfully been born and I had not done this before so I would just have to hang out and discover what this journey was going to be like.
I am perfect and I whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

January 24, 2009 @ 7:15am

This is the second morning of reading children's books, middle age because I've written several short stories and they look to be stories for middle age readers which is both exciting and interesting because I thought I was going to write in the voice of an adult but clearly my muse keeps presenting the words in the voice of a child. There is also a sense of healing as I write these stories from my youth although I embellish and add the dramatic arc, this looking back on the past allows me to recall those moments when being a child was the best thing in the whole wide world, when everything around me had potential, when I was trying to figure it all out yet thinking I knew everything at the same time. It's funny to think about my meandering around in life attempting to uncover the nuances of living while somehow reflecting on some inner knowledge, an inner ability to know things because I wanted to. Days of guessing with a strong sense of conviction and a need to be right all the time. The oldest had to be smarter, wiser, had to know better, had to have answers and had to be strong. I'm still this way to a degree, no to a very large degree, actually I've been this way all my life and it hasn;t subsided one bit if anything I have accumulated information for the sake of habit and if I don't know I'll guess. Sometimes when I guess I tell you I'm guessing and other times I'll swear up and down that it is the definite truth even though I'm not sure.
Affirmation: I accept that Spirit is always with me. I am never alone. I choose how I see any situation in my life. I choose to see God, to see growth, and to seek peace (www.scienceofmind.com). I was just thinking that I would join a church this year but after two times of attending I gave up not because anything was wrong but because it felt like I was doing the busyness thing and what I am endeavoring to do is be in my moments without parameters, suppositions, determinants or expectation. Maybe I will go and maybe I won't or maybe I'll spend the day writing or looking up at the sun or drawing pictures or sewing a new dress or dancing like I used when I was younger. Maybe I will talk all day on the phone with my friend or hold my lover in my arms or play cards with Jeremiah or give myself a pedicure or look at old pictures or go to the market or buy a plant, it's just that all week long I am confined to my job and now what I want more than ever on the weekend is the freedom to breath, to be flexible, to be spontaneous or to do absolutely nothing and not feel one micro ounce of guilt, that's the life I want to live. That is the life I am going to live because life is a choice and today and every day here after I choose to live my life with fullness, with wonderment about the next moment, with compassion for single thing in the universe, with awe for life's simple splendid blessings. I'm not sure I knew I had lungs in my chest that filled with air and now my heart nestles between the two lungs and takes in the current from the stream of divine energy that comes from the air, the air from the outside, my heart palpitates in synch with what is true and divine.
I feel the rush of ideas in mind and it pushes me to find an appropriate meditative method. To give concerted energy to one idea and guide the inspiration to it's resting place or to the place where it is ready for the next step and allow it to springboard into it's destiny. Put one foo tin front of the other, put one word in front of the other, put one moment in front of the other, and the beautiful thing about moments is that you can't orchestrate them any other way, they come sequential and parallel and individual and with pop. Moment to moment is God's gift to higher level thinking animals such as humans, it's the counter act of consciousness, perhaps it is the thing that brings about balance to a mind that constantly seeks to know more. there are days when I feel as if I am trying to sequester a new something, as I rub my fingers together, rack my brain for more, more of what I already have but can't see it or pull it out for use. It is consumption, the need to consume more and more things. I remember as a child I couldn't wait until the seasonal catalogues would come in the mail. Sears, JCPenney, Spiegel's, etc. I would go through them and pick out all the things I wanted and then I would list them on a pice of paper and add up the cost. Luckily or not, I knew about money, I was well aware about how much things cost and was privy to my mother's financial situation because I served as her assistant in calling bill collectors and negotiation payment terms. Nevertheless, I would make my wish list and look at the large number that loomed. I knew I would never get all those things but it was fun making those list, I continued to make list after list after year after year but in the back of my mind I knew the truth of what I could reasonably expect to consume which was very little. I don't think I was upset but wondered why we lived in a world where some people could order all the things they wanted in the cataloge and why some of us couldn't. I began to question a God who dispensed things unevenly when supposedly the path was open to all, it seemed contradictory, it seemed unfair and it didn't seem Godly or the way God was explained.
Currently, I am a minimalist and people come into my space with that terminology on a regular basis, I guess if I consumed more than perhaps I would be more interesting or whatever. I don't consume because I learned early on about consumption. I recognized when my mother would "splurge" as she called it, it meant that we may not have lights for a few days or the water cut off or I'd have to try to convince some bill collector to give us more time. Why my mother put me up to the task, I'll never really know but I suspect someone told her to use me, to use the innocence of my voice against the eardrum of an adult on the other end of the phone line. The truth is that it proved to be affective, they all buckled under my youthful pleas and time and time again, my mother was granted extensions. I thought my mother would get her act together and start to pay bills on time but she never did and still hasn't. i don;t consume because I know first hand what it means to over consume and I'm not interested in spending my days begging people for extensions, I spent enough of my youth doing that, I don't want to wonder if the check I wrote but can't clear made it to the utility company in time for me to not have my service shut off. And I don't want any pink notices, these are notices that cause people to have to move out and I never knew what they were until a friend of mine told me about it because while at my house she witnessed a man giving my mother a pink slip. I'm alright with minimal lifestyle because it has never been things that has made me happy. I'd rather talk on the phone with a friend, play cards with my kids, watch the moon, walk to the park, sew a new dress or smell the neighbor's roses. What I rather do is simply love, know love, be love and feel the majesty of love all around me.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

January 23, 2009 @ 6:12am

In this moment, I experience the peace of Spirit. I know what is truly important, and I set the intention to live my life from the inside out. I open my heart. Affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com
Good Morning Life and a Happy Friday! Wow, how time flies, were 23 days into the new year, it seems like yesterday when I was sleeping my way into the new year. With each comes a bit of progress and sparkle for life. I'm not sure what's ging on in my mind right now, I've been reading and so I'm not reckoning the words I've read but I'm exploring the open places in my mind for stuff to write in my own stories and it feels exciting. The peace of Spirit is upon me and now more than ever I want to pen my heart, there is a song that Yolanda Adams sings, I open up my heart. The beginning is powerful, it's intimate and provocative. I can see that music has played an instrumental part in my life, I wrap memories around certain songs like "freak out." That song was my anthem, might be why I've got a bit of FreaQiness in me but I was young, had to have been the sixth grade when my mother worked late and I took the radio and plugged it up outside because playing worldly songs in the house was downright sinful, although listening to the music anywhere and dancing was sinful too but outside it felt less devilish. So there I was outside listening to the radio waiting for that song and it didn't take long because back in the day, I'm not sure if it is true anymore but the most popular songs played at least once every twenty minutes, so within a few minutes freak out came on and I started to dance, I don't know what came over me but with the few memories I had of sneaking to watch Soul Train and the Scene (a Detroit dance show), i moved my body around, shaking and grooving and freaking out. The freak was a dance when you bend your knees, dropped down a little with some hip gyration, i was freaking so hard I started to sweat, i was in my own world, that was the best dance moment in my life, I was getting down and I had a feeling that someone was watching but I didn't care, I wanted to dance and the music was feeling good. It felt like it did in church when people got the holy ghost, only I was doing my own holy dance, or what would have been referred to as a worldly dance. Just as the song was about to end which was too quick for me, I could see my brother out the corner of my eye and as soon as I turned the radio down, he yelled, "I'm telling Mama." Little brothers were just that little, with little brains yet with big mouths, why God made little brothers I'll never know and I knew that he would tell Mama and I would get in trouble but the feeling pulsating through my body at that moment felt so wonderful, I didn't care and was well worth the price of a whooping. As a matter of fact, Mama could whip me for days and it still wouldn't take away the flutter of joy that maneuvered through my spirit, much like that peace of Spirit. There are some things, some activities that brings one joy and dancing is one of those things, as well as singing which might be why music plays a leading role in my life. There has always been a way that a certain rhythm or beat or something in a song whether it was in sound or words that could really move my soul, make me climb mountains, make me fight for social justice, make me want to make love, make me want to shovel dirt, make me want to reach for the stars and the moon, make me want to blow kisses in the ear, makes me want to touch someone's hand, make me want to create art, makes me want to rub somebodies feet, makes me want to live, makes me want to know God, makes me want to settle for nothing less than the magnificence of love. There in between the stacco and down beat is a moment when I can express the essence of who I am and I am challenged to know my moments more intimately and with right livelihood.
I did get a whoppin' that day, I can't tell you much about the whoopin' but I can tell you everything about the dancing because although the two things happened, the dancing carried me through, the dancing kept me alive and the dancing was the buffer from the world. As hard as it to believe, I never stopped dancing, as a matter of fact, I either paid my brother or did his chores to keep him quiet, soon he joined in and then we were both cohorts in the struggle to steal time for dancing to the worldly music, music that had just as much power as the gospel songs, songs that in some moments made you feel as if had the holy ghost (and I don't mean that in a blasphemous way) but the music was my path to God and majesty of life.
My heathen ways progressed and I bought a record player which meant I could buy a 45 and play a song over and over and over again. That was perfection. I had this habit of playing songs over and over and over again, so much so I was often teased about it but i found it interesting and this happened on several occasions in my adulthood when a lover knowing what I liked would tape a song I loved numerous times, one after another and bestow it as a gift. I wish I had kept some of those tapes but I remember them well, I will write about them and they remind me of the times I went outside to listen to my worldly music.
There are songs that drudge up some of the worst times of my life and while I may not want to remember, I do and with each recollection I am bestowed the chance to realize that I made it through the storm, made it through moments I thought I'd never survive. I may need to put these songs on a tape and play them over and over and over again, not in a torturous way but in a thanksgiving because it was the music that kept me alive, kept me hopeful kept me willing to take another breath and will to look upon another day of living on this planet. I can't hate the song, I can what was happening in my life but the melodies are simply a reflection, a capsule of time that anchored my spirit into a new moment, into a better way of living and into NOW.
There is a strong child's voice within my muse, it is eager to express and bear witness to the complexity of growing up in a America during the late 70's and early 80's. I get the sense that I'm suppose to, not in a forceful way but in an invitational way to write about this time of unrest and expansion. I used to wish I was normal, had a normal and easy life but with time comes wisdom and as unpredictable as my life was, it's the stuff that has made me who I am. It is the stuff that has kept me alive, not just biologically but spiritually, physically and emotionally and a bit mentally but I'm no plain chick, no perfect Sarah but I'm convincingly Charlotte who is a wild expression of life, life that I get to share with the world through books and other written works. May my muse be the nail polish remover to my creativity, clearing away the temporary color and bringing forth the natural sheen of the days that I have lived, to see the half moon and the nail new growth and to pull back the cuticle, the ways in which I hide who I really am.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!

January 22, 2009 @ 5:42am

Today, I move within and recognize that there are no limits. A full and overflowing life is mine right now. I rest in the knowledge that I am one with Spirit. Affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com.
On mornings like this morning when I awake rejuvenated and inspired, I am so better able and ready to take on the world. The affirmation is so moving, this notion that there are no limits is one of the hardest things for me to accept when I was learning spiritual principles because the Christianity I was taught, made it seem as if there were limits and my limit was a low limit. This concept reminds of a tie when I sang a solo for a choir song when I was much much younger, in my teens. Unlike the song that I sang at the LGBT church, this song went like this: "any way you bless me, anyway you bless me, I'll be satisfied, shower down on me and I'll be satisfied." And then I remember this verse: "I've been doing what you want me to do, I've been praying like you want me to pray, I've been living like you want me to live, I need a blessing." This plea for something, anything and the work one must put into being good Christian only to spend days begging for just a small blessing, as if blessings are in short supl or as if only certain people get blessings or if I was really praying, behaving & living like I was suppose to live, I'd get my blessings but it seemed like the more I tried to be a good Christina the less blessings I got, so that Christianity didn't work for me plus it seemed that all the people who weren't so good were the people who seemed to continually get blessings but then again this was my interpretation.
I always struggled with the Christianity of my upbringing because it seemed so limiting and early on I used to ask my mother and then the other ministers of the church about the people in the baptist church across the street. And I asked them about my white friends who went to Catholic churches or no churches at all. And there answer was that not everybody gets to go to heaven, that there way wasn't the right way. And something about a God who would only select certain people to go to heaven or only create one way felt limiting, felt problematic, felt unGodly and I knew it wasn't right but I had no way of proving it. I spent the better part of my youth challenging many things in church and I had plenty of run ins with folks about their interpretations of the bible. And I ran out of the church plenty of times when I felt the ministers were preaching something stupid and something inside of me, something I can't quite explain had this inkling that there was more than what I was being taught in that church. I've gone onto to reconcile with the church of my upbringing and I love seeing the people at different functions, I've learned to accept them and they accept me but it has been a struggle to get here, at least for me. And as for my mother, I understand that this is all that she knows, these people have been her friends for years and she accepts this church as the place that she will go on to glory from. My only real wish in life is for my mother to have complete and total love for herself, for her to know that she is a divine creation, she is worthy of peace, happiness and unconditional love. More importantly, I don't think that she is anyone who should have to work for her blessings, she deserves them and it would be nice if she would simply receive them because they are there for her in abundance. May my mother know the truth about love.
This journey I'm on feels really, really amazing almost surreal like. I realize how time changes things, how time can mold a hardened rock into a beautiful flower. My life is full of moments now, I am one with spirit and I wear a shawl of contentment, it permanently attaches. I've often wondered how I got here but if I look back, I was a fervent searcher, seeker for truth and knowledge, not always in the right places but in any place I could discover and I never stopped, I never gave in for my life depended on it. I think about those times when I walked away from my life and the determination to live versus die. I know that I hurt lots of people with those acts but the hurt was minimal compared to the hurt that I was really wanting to inflict on myself because if I did what I thought, what I really thought was best, I thought the best thing for me to do is kill myself, so walking away from my life was minute in comparison and ultimately, walking away was the best thing and the act that allowed me to uncover spiritual truths. My most profound spiritual truth came to me direct when I landed on skid row. It was then at the bottom of the bottom that I understood myself to be truly connected to God but what brought that light was that the people on skid row were no different than many of the people I knew in life, there beliefs, there way of thinking, there way of being was almost exactly aligned with people that were doing fine and working and living and surviving everyday. But how could this be? I got my answer about two or three days later after I arrived at skid row, one evening ofter dinner when a church came to entertain the homeless people with their choir and the words of the pastor. I was extremely annoyed at this because I couldn't see where God was at the shelter on skid row but what these people did was sing and preach just like they always do, delivering that same message that I had grown up with, that do the best you can and know that God will spill a few crumbling blessings on you sooner or later and if not in this life time surely in heaven you would get yours. But I've never been too patient and heaven wasn't where I wanted to experience good. And in that moment I witnessed something so profound it nearly scared me, I could see that the church people and the homeless people were no different, we were all the same. And that's when words that had been shared with me in enlightened situations started to puzzle themselves together and provide me with an answer for living.
I'll never forget and I'm appreciative of a woman who honestly i can't say if she is real or of my imagination but the very next day I came across her in the morning, she barely spoke just wanted a cigarette the only thing I had of worth in my possession. She asked me if I had clothes, I said no. She asked me if I was hungry I said yes. And with those answers she led me to a place where I would get some clothes and then patiently awaited outside until i was finish and led me to a place where I could eat. This is the place where I stumbled into a room with books, I love to read so it stands to reason that I would stumble into a room with books and in this room was a teacher who taught writing. I resisted the urge to write because well that would mean that I'm a real person with some type of potential. I had givn up on life when I arrived on skid row, I felt it was my just punishment for being so careless in my life and I had no intentions of ever leaving there, I just assumed I would die there. But this woman's spirit spoke to me and I began writing. What I failed to remember when I started to write was my educational background as well as my strong ability to write. I could see the look on her face when she read the words, it was the words that were compelling but it was what she could see the beyond the words, I wasn't the average homeless person, I could write, write really well and I guess that meant something.
I never came across the woman who led me to the Women's Center that day, I asked about her and people looked at me as if I were crazy as if I had made her up. So that is why sometimes I wonder if she was real or planted by God. I do remember trying to look into her eyes and no one was there which was freigtening but it didn't scare me away or prevent me from following her down dark alleys in downtown LA. I wonder if she is alive, I wonder if her eyes ever came alive again and I wonder if she led herself out of skid row. I say all this to say this was the moment, or the time when I decided that although my life may not be perfect, may not feel good or may be a complete mess, I made myself a promise then that death, or self-inflicted death (aka suicide) would never be an option and there are days when I wonder why I made myself that promise but I am comforted in the knowing that as bad as things are they will get better and I don't have to sink into the whole of suicidal thoughts ever again.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

January 21, 2009 @ 6:45am

Good Morning Life! It is a beautiful day, the energy from yesterday's events has left a wonderful and prideful feel in the air, I'm humbled and inspired. I'm ready for more in my life, I'm listening to that inner knowing at it's dead on and it's right and ripe with information. Also, I started reading Eckhart's book, The Power of Now. I've read it a hundred times before but there are some books that require re-reading because with each take, I draw out something else, I tend to ciphen much more than I did the last time i read the book. And more than anything I know that the primary answer to my heart's desire, is the ability to stay focused on the now.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: Today, I take the time to move into the silence. I slow down my pace and recognize the power within and my oneness with it. I feel a deep sense of peace. I am content. Life unfolds perfectly. These words are so eloquent and so comforting because as I release and surrender to the divine energy, my pace seems to become slower and slower and of course this is disconcerting because I think that I should be moving at lightening speed but this reduced turtle like pace is exactly the acceleration for my forward movement. This all reminds me of a song that I used to sing as a soloist at church, the name of the song is lost to me but the words went something like this, " the race is not given to the swift neither to the strong but to those who endureth til the end." At times I want to say why has it taken me so long to get it right, get close to getting it right or having the genuine steadfast desire to get it right, why has it taken several decades for my light bulb to finally flash a speck of light. Some of the other words were, Lord give me more patience today, help me to run this race all the way and when I stumble, I need you by my side, oh when the storm clouds rise, only you can guide, when I'm weak Lord be my strength, when I'm so lonely Lord be my friend, oh without you as my God and my King, I couldn't make it to the end ... there were days when I would barely be able to belt that song out because of stage freight but as I look back, this song was an internal mantra, it was the strength behind all of the struggle of trying to do what was right, trying to do what was in my heart and soul.
I say all that to say to myself is that Charlotte, you made it, it's not the end but you made and although it wasn't easy, although there wasn't a whole lot of support. I'm in this race to live life, love and be whole. I'm not the swiftest nor the strongest but I can say without even thinking about it that I'm enduring and with that comes the light, the finish line, the way, the joy, the peace, the content, the connection to spirit, the self love, the wonder, the fluttering energy of the divine essence, the everything and the nothing. The truth is I didn't really care for the song, it felt old school and even as the lead, the soprano seemed like a youth choir song but as I sit here singing, I recognize the gift from God that song is and to Pastor and Courtney who were compelled or spiritually driven to allow me to know the song's profound wisdom intimately. I'm now proud to have sung that song, some nearly 15 years ago, it will be with me today as I willow in the wind of reconciliation. Obama's placement as president is racial reconciliation, I contend that it is white America's way of saying, we want to heal from this racial stuff and to white America I say Good Job. I think we all want to heal, we all want to just be in the moment, be in the now, be without all of the baggage of yesterday, be without guilt, be without shame, be without fear, be without whatever it is we think we should have or shouldn't have, I say today we just want to be, be as one, be divine, be light, be love, be kind, be joy, be peace, be just BE.
I feel like preaching this morning, not really I just feel on fire, I feel good right NOW and I'm running with it. I feel a resurrecting happening and I'm not sure what it all entails but I feel put to task by Obama who says that he can only do his part if I do mine, that out collective consciousness is what will bring us together, is what will help us mend the fractures of our country and it is what will teach us to love another because that's the on ly way we will all survive. I was glad his speech wasn't full of sound bites and rhetoric that people could hide behind, but marching orders, our Commander in Chief was giving us marching orders and I'm sitting here wondering this morning who is ready to march, who is ready to be in the now, who is ready?
I thought about many things, I'm thinking about many things and when I take a moment to still myself, I see where all is good, all is well with my soul. All is well and I'm finding the compassion to see the shame but I know that's old news, today, now is something great a spectacular, a wonderful opportunity to be refreshed and began again. My life will ascend in a quiet way, I will achieve every goal and continue to move inside my life of fulfillment. There will be no drama, I will write drama and provide answers for escape and all will be great, on purpose, in divine alignment and based in love. I'm glad to be alive, glad to have the activity of my limbs, to be closed in my right mind, and to be at one with the spirit and the truth and the light. The race is not given to the swift, neither to the strong but to those who endureth til the end.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

January 20, 2009 @ 8:38am

Good Morning Life! It's a great day but just the beginning. I can't help but think of Barbara Jordan, what a day this woud be for her, for all her blood, sweat and tears, to see this moment in history, I'm sure she's looking down and she's super duper proud. And I'm proud for her and I carry her spirit with me on this day. I haven't really cried yet, haven't let out the true emotions that lie just below the surface and yet it's not the tears that I want, it's the affirmation that comes with this and all along I knew that we as a people were entitled to be successful too. I was never one of those who said I wouldn't live to see this day but nor was I one to say that I would live to see the day, I just kept the faith, held out all hope and felt an inner knowing that when I look back at, I can't quite figure out how and why I had it. I remember the days during the campaign when folks would say, but I'm worried he might get killed and I stayed focus and quieted people's concerns and assured them that we are part of a new country, a country that knows it can't get away with shooting black leaders like they did back in the 60's. I'moften surprised to hear from people who remember my words, they thank me and although I know I did it, I can't specifically recall when.
Inside of me has been this struggle of blackness, this color idenity and the innate desire to simply be the person that I am irrespective of this physical covering, this biological etching or sensory essence. I've always felt a sense of entitlement to justice, I've felt no need to fit into boxes or call myself other than by the words that make me feel alive like: Spirit, doer, lover, laughter, creative energy, painter, helper, gentle, smiley, genuine, patient, connected, bright, alive, caring or in the moment, these are the boxes I'd be most happy to climb in for they have no walls, no barriers, no clear boundaries and are as expansive as the universe. This interconnectedness with other human beings has been my souls search, my souls reaching, my souls touching, my souls desire for a resting place with room to play, to grow, to change, to fall into who I was always meant to be.
I've often felt exhausted by the responsibility of being black and at one point wanted to lay down the armor but today it is lightened, blending into personhood with a richness, a pride, an evenness that is effortless and simplistic. As a lover of history, as a lover of the story of black people, my ancestors who have endured so that I can sit up here at work and blog, I think of my mother who pick cotton, how wonder how many of those days when picking cotton did it cross her mind that there would be a black president. She probably never wasted her time with thoughts like that but what she did was she kept picking her cotton, kept reading her books, learning her mathematics and dreaming of a day when she would leave the south, leave the constraints of blackness, leave the fields of contemptment and bigotry, she spent her time and mind on greater thoughts, on brighter days and better times. It's no wonder we have Obama today, he is the culmination of black folks who kept there eyes on the prize, kept the true measure of justice in plain view and who never gave up on their humanity.
Congratulations Barack H. Obama, you made my brother, you picked your own cotton, you kept the fire in the belly fed with kindle and soft urging. I am proud of you, proud of your black maleness that is compassionate, loving, intelligent, flawed but never stuck, your connection to people, your power to bring us back to the tenents of our constitution and to the true power of a people which is with themselves. You're the male role model that I've been looking for and that's not to ignore the many black men who have been supportive and nurturing in my life. I say to you thank you for wanting better for all of us, even those of us who don't know any better. And thank you for resurrecting belief in an American that felt nearly dead, a democracy that felt buried in a drawer and the idea of social justice that seemed relegated to a text book, thank you for bringing back the pursuit of happiness, liberty and justice for all.
I'd be remiss to say that I felt as if MLK got second billing yesterday. You too Dr. King was an influential force and maybe second billing is only an indication that we don't need days like this to remind us of the rights we desire because maybe as we go forward from today, we have the rights we always deserved and folks like MLK can be just a memory of a time, time long ago when we had to struggle.
I feel as if today is more than just a celebration, it's a mourning, it's the excitement of the newness and the laying to rest of the old. Much like Jesus as POC, the oppressed and so forth, today we lay down our cross and we give up victimhood, we embrace what is rightfully ours with a renewed sense of entitlement and we march forward knowing that we are the light of the the world.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: In this moment I embrace all life. I quiet myself, go within, and remember all that is important in my life. I accept all my blessings and know all is well. The truth is this, all is well. All is well.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

January 19, 2009 @ 5:01am

I had a dream last night that I was having a function, the planning, the multiple tasks associated with pulling off a successful event. It was just hours before and I needed the help of at least twenty people yet somehow I was managing to pull it all together. Then it was 30 minutes before the event people had already arrived and I had just started putting out refreshments, luckily everything else was done but I wanted everything done before a single soul arrived. Everything seemed to be going well despite my need for utter and complete control. I woke up as if I had a nightmare, not the kind that scares you to death, the kind that leaves you rattled. Was it my way of mourning the activities I had to pull away from or was it a reminder of why it is important for me to take care of myself or was it a pull to reconsider perhaps. But as I lay there on the bed contemplating what I was feeling, I recognize no pull to return to life the way it was because I'm no longer interested in sacrificing health and wellness for the sake of doing something in the world. I realized that my thoughts scatter about and sometimes the things that I have let go, wash back up on the shores of my thoughts. I get that there are some things you like to do and some things you love.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: In this moment, I see Spirit everywhere. I remain open to life as lessons, and I know all is well, all the time.
Today is MLK day and I normally take this day off from work because it's not a holiday but there aren't any activities that I want to attend today and I could use the money. Also, as Obama takes office, I began to wonder about the need for black events. I've always yearned for an inclusiveness that didn't require certain regulations of blackness. I'm confident that I will get so many things done today because everyone else will be on vacation today. Also, I will use this day for another purpose, when I really need time off for things that are more dire. And I'm comfortable with this choice to be on the fringe of all these activities. I love attending the events because that's when I am around the largest group of black people but just being around a group of black people doesn't work any more for me. If I felt a sense of unity or love perhaps I could get excited but to simply be around others has no added value at this point in my life and I know me, this could change. This life of fringe is more comfortable for me, I'm not interested in faking, or pretending like my life is perfect and I want to be around people who listen to me, hear me when I say that there are challenges in my life. I'm not interested in being rescued, I'm just interested in being heard, that's all. And thank God for those around me, who get that and my connection to them means the world to me.
My sleep was off last night and somehow I know that it's okay. My son gets the brunt of my mental disorientation when I awake yet I feel as if I need to sleep desperately. He is patient and kind, than God. Food is becoming less interesting, my cooking is impatient and I wonder if I could afford to purchase prepared food, at least that would limit the amount of cooking because I'm not as inspired with my cooking these days. Maybe it's an affect of the cold and my bones. I'm reconnecting to the notion of intention and how to make it the forefront of everything I do. The intention, what are my intentions for creative endeavors or for my mental health or my physical health or my emotional well being or my spiritual enlightenment, what is my intention? I love all this new scientific research in support of intention with prayer, meditation and just plain old positive thinking. Why one needs scientific proof is beyond my comprehension, if one just spent some time accessing the universe around them they would come to understand something really amazing at work.
Oh yeah, yesterday I wrote about going to the bookstore and discovering my writing. I must confess that I didn't exactly get excited nor was I upset, the whole experience was very neutral. This reaction is what the Buddhist say we should aim for in life, that are goal is not escape being upset only, our goal is to escape being overly happy too because neither state is true. But I took the book back to the cafe area along with a pile of filmmaking magazines, this is my regular habit when I go to Border's. I never really read the book, I just had it nearby. I remember when it was time to go because I was only there for about 20 minutes, I wanted to catch a certain bus back home, I picked up the book and I shook my head and I lay the book back down. It was a completely neutral moment and it felt perfect and divine and healing. Healing in that in my life, I have let the ups and downs dictate what will happen next, what I need is to be neutral about it all because it doesn't matter what I do, what will be will be. But neutrality keeps it all in perspective, keeps it in balance and allows me to be in the moment. In that moment, I recognized that the news and the actual reality of my creative expression in a book on a shelf at Borders was just as it was, just as I had created and this moment doesn't have to hinder or catapult me into the next moment, it's just the moment that it is. Whether I write another thing or not, this moment will always be and it has nothing to do with the next moment when I enjoyed the feel of snow on my tongue as I walked down the street. nonetheless, it was a sign from the universe in response to a prayer that I sent out. It's the moment when I acknowledged the practicality of my desire to create. It was what today's affirmation was about, it was a lesson about how all is well and how good is always available to me.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

January 18, 2009 @ 6:35pm

Yeah, it's almost my bed time and I'm finally getting to the page. I knew it would be late but not this late, actually I didn't make a clear plan of when I would write, I just didn't make it a priority first thing this morning and today has been that kind of day. A day of no plans, no real priorities and I've lazily moved from bed to kitchen to bathroom and so on. I did create a new goals sign where I listed two projects that I'm working on, in hopes of helping me stay focused. Stay on track with my life purpose. The purpose of my life, the life that has been purposed or purposefully the life I will and living on purpose for a purpose in a way that is purposeful or in the direction of a clear cut and definite and perfect purpose. I'm here and that's all that matters. I think my head is a little off because I haven't been outside and I can tell by the sidewalk that it was warmer today than it has been in days. There was no icy trail or snowy specs, just fresh wetness and pebbles of salt left behind. This inspires me to want to be outside, so I opened the door for a while and let the cool air blow in because it's important for me to stay acquainted with the cold for it will keep me from hiding out. The cold and I are friends or at least until I move somewhere near the equator.
Today's affirmation was really, really, really powerful and awe inspiring. It was just what I needed and I know I say this everyday but like I've said before, I'm remedial, special ed spiritualist, the repetition is good for me and almost necessary because I forget quicker than taking the next breath. The affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: Today, I enter into the silence and speak my word. I know my prayer is answered because Spirit always responds. As I believe, it is done unto me.
The first thing I did after reading this affirmation was I listed off all that I wanted to manifest in life, like being a loving person, peace of mind, physical, spiritual, mental, emotional and sexual wellness, a long-term partnership with the man of my dreams ( I was specific about who it was), the new job with all of it's comforts and reward, financial prosperity, artistic proliferation along with some specified outcomes and more than anything I just want to be an example of LOVE to all that come in contact with me. I'm learning to be gentle with myself, learning to stop giving myself these mandates that are full of judgement and manipulation. It's been a real joy to kind of let the day get away from me as if relaxing is an okay thing to do. I remember my mother when we kids were young, she kept moving and moving and then there were those times when her body gave out, she'd fall asleep in the chair or on sunday afternoon. We'd go about our business, basically unsupervised but we never got into too much of anything. I recall a time when my body would give out on me and I hated not having that control being subjected to the notion of my body overriding my personal mental desires. I keep telling myself that I feel as if I'm losing a bit of weight, not a whole lot but a little and it's not because I'm on some diet, it's because I'm eliminating the stress in my life and as such, I don't run to food. I don't need to eat as much because there's no stress running me to numb th pain, or put in denial about my situation or to fill an empty hole in my life. I keep telling myself that I'm not really moving as fast I want and then I remember that I didn't get this way over night and I'm probably not going to get to where I want to be over night but I am enjoying the journey because it is nothing like I expected. I thought I would began to act perfectly with each moment dedicated to exactly what I want in life but these last few weeks have been full of self reflection, sleep, slow movements, occasional acts of creativity and a sense of contentment. It's almost as if I've got to slow all the way down in order to recognize what speed my life is meant to be at. It's almost as if I've got to do nothing in order to get to know myself again. It's as if by living each moment, I get to witness so much of what I've been missing. It's amazing to have time to think about the creative process, think about what I want to create, to explore in my mind the multitudes of ways I can express myself and recognizing what works and what doesn't work or what could work but just not at this time. I feel this energy around intention with my art, it's not just about what I think people want but about the overall message or intention of the art. And trusting that because the truth is this, no one may ever agree with what I create but if I believe in what I create that's all that matters.
I went to the bookstore on yesterday to look at the book. And there in print was my story, I had thought that the check from the publisher was a mistake, so I had to go see it for myself. Yeah, the publisher wrote a note stating I would get my copies in the mail soon but I still wasn't sure. I struggled with getting out yesterday morning but then I decided the adventure was worth the trip. I took the bus and as I passed my car, I blessed it and was thankful. In that moment, I didn't have to rush to the bus because I had the luxury of turning and around and driving if I wanted. I remember the days of rushing to the bus and the dependence and I remember the days when I said, this is only temporary and as I did my best to sustain a decent life for me and my son, a miracle car came to me. It reminds me of today's affirmation, I guess in my own way I prayed for the car and because I knew that it would be done unto me, the car came. And just like all the others desires of my heart, they are already done unto me and I am grateful already. I'm blessed and honored and humbled and thankful for my own fortitude to live my life with intention, to do the work to stay conscious, to be responsible for my living, to pray for more than things but to pray for peace, joy, mindfulness, love and all that is required to appreciate the magnificence of life. Today was a lazy day but I feel it was so full of wonder as I learned things, I was moved by certain events, I was awaken by the simplicity of what was going on around me and I was so thankful for all that I have. I was talking with my sister yesterday or the day before and she was like what's wrong. I had called her to say hello and all she could think to ask me was what was wrong and I did what I never do, I told her the truth, I told her that I have everything I need, my life is perfect. What a blessing that was, what a moment of joyous realization that in the midst of all that the world say is going on, I'm alright, I've been alright, I continue to be alright and these quiet moments with myself is really the way that I can stay in tuned with the truth of my reality. Because in order for me to hang out with a whole bunch of people is to be in that socialization of complaint, unhappiness, discontentment, disillusionment, fear, numbness, busyness and dark. It has been a light to be in my moments more, I can really see the God in others and I can for the first time in my life, forgive myself, allow myself some time and space to be who I've always wanted to be without beating myself up, without being on some time line imposed with no real or clear purpose. It has been a gift to drink lots of water today, I haven't been able to really drink the amount of water I normally like to drink because I'm engaged in busyness or some other nonsense. Today I thought about how I will love the man of my dreams, how I will allow him to manifest his life the way he needs to, how patience and love will create the perfect space for our union and how I will show up for love knowing that no matter how he shows up, I'm being the me that I've always wanted to be and will be forever here on out. I am writing in my head mostly and the words are percolating for the page. I'm enjoying my creative process, this mumbling lines to myself as if I'm an actor, this imagining of time, space, being and action.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.