Today is my sixtieth blog, for 60 days I have written a little of something every day and I'm proud of myself. Proud of the commitment I made and the way I have stuck with it. It's not much but it feels good to me. Also, I've enjoyed the convenience of writing my morning pages on the computer as well as the way in which I am saving paper and helping the planet.
as God's beloved, I gladly represent Divine Love on the planet. I know I am the way through which my sacred partner expresses love: www.scienceofmind.com affirmation.
I woke up this morning and an old but dear co-worker of mine is on my mind. I miss this woman, I miss our connection and I miss the many ways in which she was honest with me. Of course, I hated it when she spoke the truth because I wasn't really ready or willing to embrace anything that was remotely useful but I awake some ten years later and recognize the gift she extended me, the unconditional love.
I'm also indebted to another soul with whom I had the opportunity to spend time with recently. We spoke of life, family, work and growing up. But I was left with a phrase that was used, a phrase I was all too familiar, a phrase I used as a cloak of honor. It was peculiarly strange to hear those words, to see myself in the words and to recognize how completely cut-off the words made me. I don't go back and the truth is although I have spent my entire life living this mantra, it has done nothing to serve me. It has been the reason why I continue to find myself in the same place which as far as I am concern constitutes backward movement, I have gone back while attempting to move forward. I have come back to the same place while thinking that I was engaged in activities that moved me forward, all the while I was thinking I was going somewhere but surely not backwards.
I went backwards just recently and it has been the best spiritual lesson in my life. I returned to a former job. It was not only a miracle, it was my miracle and for the first time in my life I could see where going back is sometimes okay. For me to dictate absolutes has been my way of life but it hasn't served me. What I learned in this experience is that going back allows me to get it right, to humble myself and to recognize imperfection. To move away from the need to judge and block out what I think is the ultimate wrong. Going back taught me what I do wrong because I don't want to think of myself as a person who does wrong, of course not. Also, it moved me in a space of forgiveness, not only for a former employer but for myself. It catapulted my spiritual enlightenment because I couldn't rest on my mantra or any other dictum I seem to carry around or banter about. Sometimes going back has been the best thing for me. I thought I would never come back to Ann Arbor, people questioned my thinking about this decision. What I learned is that as long as I'm saying I will never go back, I am running from something, the goal isn't necessary to go back but it's important to understand what I'm running from and work on that because it's only a matter of time when I am back to that place that I swore I would never return to but yet I'm in a different locale suffering from the exact thing I swore I would never return to.
It never ceased to amaze me when I found myself in the same situations, same kind of stuff that was present in other places. I thought that moving around would change me, change the ability for old stuff to happen again. What I've come to know is that locale doesn't change a thing if I haven't changed on the inside. In the multitude of cities where I have lived I always found myself surrounded by people who were no good for me, I found myself within jobs where employers could care less about my career goals, I found myself attracting the same type of people. These people, whom my dear friend Campbell Spencer so eloquently called the emotionally unavailable. She accused me of liking people who were emotionally unavailable and I hated her for saying that to me. I could hear the truth in the statement, I didn't want to hear the truth, so I went on a path of denial and moved quickly away from her because the truth isn't what I wanted at the time but when is the time for truth. Now, she made this statement many years ago but if I'm honest with myself, if I just access who I've been in relationships with, I can't help but come up with a whole list of folk who were always emotionally unavailable. It didn't where I was, I fell for them. I can't say I was ever in a relationship with a person who was seriously and consciously emotionally available, me included. So I'm sitting here realizing that as much as I swear up and down that I'm not going back, I've come full circle with the realization that I am trying to become involved with a person who emotionally unavailable. How much more backwards could I be. How much faster can I go back then the rate I am moving at this very moment.
The truth is it hurts and the only person I can blame is myself, there is no one else doing this to me, I am doing this to myself. I looked up at my life this morning and I said why am I in the same place that I have been for the last 42 years. I've gone back and didn't even know it. I thought I was moving at a steady pace, slow but forward.
I get where I am at, I'm not sure how to move out of this but what's different this time than all the times before is that I will figure it out. I'm not in a space of wanting to beat up on myself, I am loving myself to know that each moment is a new opportunity to create the life that I want. Before, I would of become suicidal, depresses or moved in to self sabotage but not this time. This time I hold the girl-child inside of me and tell her job well done. I let her know that the new and improved Charlotte, the grown up Charlotte is here to take over and that the girl inside of me can rest. I can do what I never did before in this time of reflection, I forgive myself, and I accept that I have work to do. I open myself up to being emotional available instead of closing myself down or running away. The God to honest truth is that I am back where I thought I'd never be. Of course, I want to say to myself that being back in Ann Arbor was suppose to cure me of all my ails for that is why I am back but being in a place doesn't cure anything, it doesn't make old habits die away, it doesn't instantly bring about clarity or the motivation to do better. What I have learned in this moment is that this life takes work and yes I feel exceptionally tired, feel as if it's never going to get easier but I'm up for the challenge, I'm up for the chance to live a better life and I'm not willing to accept that I have to be in the same place, time and time again.
I owe it to myself to be the best that I can be. I owe it to myself to have relationships with people where I can be emotionally available and vice versa. I'm not sure how to do that exactly but I return to spirit in prayer and meditation. I patiently listen for the answers and I give my life power to actions that will push me into a new life and new way of living. I can't help but enjoy the tears of pure and utter joy that flow as I write, I know that they wash away the old and bring forth the new. So, I thank you Campbell for telling me the truth, a truth that has taken over ten years to hear. I won't spend time on beating myself up, I'll spend this moment content that the message got through, that I'm finally hearing what I need to hear and open to making change.
As I move out of the month of love, I know that love never dies it just gets transformed. I use the catalyst of concentrated love and use it to build a life full of the abundance of love. I recognize that sometimes you have to go back not because it's a backward movement, not because I'm a bad person, not because something is wrong, sometimes the motion backward allows me to identify the more perfect forward movement but I have also learned that as much as I resist moving backward, I'm already back there anyways, giving it power and control over my life. I think what spirit is trying to teach us is that motion is not up or down or front or back, it is merely expansion from the point where we are, I am expanding into the fullness of who I am and I am expanding into God's infinite wisdom, merciful abundance and ever present love.
I am perfect and I am whole and I complete. I LOVE ME!!!
Subscribe To
Posts
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
February 27, 2009 @ 8:08am
Good Morning Life and it's a rainy Friday and center stage are the ever lovable greyish blue clouds hoovering, bowing, beckoning for some attention but the butts of our umbrellas greet them and they take it personally.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: As God's beloved, I enjoy the gift of perfect vision as I behold my world. I see only God in all, through all, as all. Life is good!
Life is really good right now and I'm appreciative of that. I meant to get back to my morning pages yesterday but I didn't and I can't quite figure out why because there was time. It was the first day in a long time that I didn't complete this bit of daily writing and it's okay.
I sometimes I wake up in the morning and I say, time to make the donuts. These are the mornings when the bed clutches me and the covers are whipped around me like a straight jacket. I don't want to get up, I don't want to leave the sanctuary of sleep and what I want more than anything are the comforting arms of a lover who in the space of our morning silence bring joy to my body and a communal desire to be locked in a tight knot of dawn's seduction. Or in layman's term, I love morning sex, it's the best, it's the way it bring your body back to the conscious side of living, there is no better way to wake up, to become present and to return to the living moment.
Time to make the donuts is the humor of it all. As if the day is about making donuts and when you think about it, that's all it really is. Metaphorically, it really is about bringing sweetness into the world, showing people the interconnectedness of us all. The whole in the center is the endless possibilities for our world when we join hands and minds and bodies in a circle of infinite connection. If we all could just focus on making life a donut, a sweet light of hope and the optimism that comes within a ring of understanding that together we can do it.
The rain and clouds are rift with melancholy, I try not to go there or walk toward the dark of day. I am habitually in this moment of progress with careless regresssion or the possibility of taking a step back. With every moment of success, it's as if I have to sit down, learn to embrace it and then allow my spirit time to make it one with my mind. I had always wimagined spiritual growth to be this linear motion in time and space, this is not what it's turning out to be, it more like a roller coaster. At first it's scary as shit but then it starts to be fun and exciting and even easy to handle or tolerate but then it might get scary again but since you've had a moment to catch your breathe, you can handle to newfound twist and turns. But before you can get used to it, the ride stops and although you step off and out, you have this sinking suspicion that you'll have to ride it again and you do. I can appreciate the roller coasters in my life now because they are no where near the intensity or drama of life before. It's as if I've developed some protective covering or internal immunity to the ride because it's more like a boat ride than a roller coaster. And if you've ever been a on a boat, it's amazing the view, the subtly of the boat drifting along at a space that seems completely out of synch with what you're experiencing and then there is the connection to sky, God perhaps that makes for a peaceful journey. I love the sound of the ocean, I deserve to live near the ocean. I can't get enough of the clashing waves, the waters language of life, love and gettting along. The push against the shore and the backing off. The bunching up of water to form waves as high as mountains, the energy current that runs through waves must be off the chart. I am seronaded when the waters clap or slap against the earth or simmer like a tea kettle. In my days of suicidal tendencies, I often imagined dying in the water, allowing the spirit of water to take my hand and gently walk me into the hear after. I still say it's the perfect way to segue into God's loving arms. If we are born from the water, why can't we return.
I'm not interested in returning at the moment, only curious about living better with more contentment, with greater expressions of creativity, with continuous moments of love and in a state of constant awe. My prayer this morning is that I, as the donut maker bring about more sweetness in the world, may I mold my love into something others can partake in, savor and find that it is good. I will sprinkle my uniquesness on top and smoother it with my compassion like a frosting made my the world's top pastry makers. I want to link with humanity in an infinite chain and together, I want us to use the wholeness of life, the center of life, the endless possibilities of life to create a wonderous future. It's time to make the donuts, time for me to put on my cap and apron, time to collect the ingredients of patience, understanding, quiet listening, unconditional love and make something.
It's a day of less sunlight, I suspect that the sun needed some time to rest, some time to prepare for the chronic days of shine that come with spring and summer. I claim the potential in this day, use it as a source to fire up my internal light.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: As God's beloved, I enjoy the gift of perfect vision as I behold my world. I see only God in all, through all, as all. Life is good!
Life is really good right now and I'm appreciative of that. I meant to get back to my morning pages yesterday but I didn't and I can't quite figure out why because there was time. It was the first day in a long time that I didn't complete this bit of daily writing and it's okay.
I sometimes I wake up in the morning and I say, time to make the donuts. These are the mornings when the bed clutches me and the covers are whipped around me like a straight jacket. I don't want to get up, I don't want to leave the sanctuary of sleep and what I want more than anything are the comforting arms of a lover who in the space of our morning silence bring joy to my body and a communal desire to be locked in a tight knot of dawn's seduction. Or in layman's term, I love morning sex, it's the best, it's the way it bring your body back to the conscious side of living, there is no better way to wake up, to become present and to return to the living moment.
Time to make the donuts is the humor of it all. As if the day is about making donuts and when you think about it, that's all it really is. Metaphorically, it really is about bringing sweetness into the world, showing people the interconnectedness of us all. The whole in the center is the endless possibilities for our world when we join hands and minds and bodies in a circle of infinite connection. If we all could just focus on making life a donut, a sweet light of hope and the optimism that comes within a ring of understanding that together we can do it.
The rain and clouds are rift with melancholy, I try not to go there or walk toward the dark of day. I am habitually in this moment of progress with careless regresssion or the possibility of taking a step back. With every moment of success, it's as if I have to sit down, learn to embrace it and then allow my spirit time to make it one with my mind. I had always wimagined spiritual growth to be this linear motion in time and space, this is not what it's turning out to be, it more like a roller coaster. At first it's scary as shit but then it starts to be fun and exciting and even easy to handle or tolerate but then it might get scary again but since you've had a moment to catch your breathe, you can handle to newfound twist and turns. But before you can get used to it, the ride stops and although you step off and out, you have this sinking suspicion that you'll have to ride it again and you do. I can appreciate the roller coasters in my life now because they are no where near the intensity or drama of life before. It's as if I've developed some protective covering or internal immunity to the ride because it's more like a boat ride than a roller coaster. And if you've ever been a on a boat, it's amazing the view, the subtly of the boat drifting along at a space that seems completely out of synch with what you're experiencing and then there is the connection to sky, God perhaps that makes for a peaceful journey. I love the sound of the ocean, I deserve to live near the ocean. I can't get enough of the clashing waves, the waters language of life, love and gettting along. The push against the shore and the backing off. The bunching up of water to form waves as high as mountains, the energy current that runs through waves must be off the chart. I am seronaded when the waters clap or slap against the earth or simmer like a tea kettle. In my days of suicidal tendencies, I often imagined dying in the water, allowing the spirit of water to take my hand and gently walk me into the hear after. I still say it's the perfect way to segue into God's loving arms. If we are born from the water, why can't we return.
I'm not interested in returning at the moment, only curious about living better with more contentment, with greater expressions of creativity, with continuous moments of love and in a state of constant awe. My prayer this morning is that I, as the donut maker bring about more sweetness in the world, may I mold my love into something others can partake in, savor and find that it is good. I will sprinkle my uniquesness on top and smoother it with my compassion like a frosting made my the world's top pastry makers. I want to link with humanity in an infinite chain and together, I want us to use the wholeness of life, the center of life, the endless possibilities of life to create a wonderous future. It's time to make the donuts, time for me to put on my cap and apron, time to collect the ingredients of patience, understanding, quiet listening, unconditional love and make something.
It's a day of less sunlight, I suspect that the sun needed some time to rest, some time to prepare for the chronic days of shine that come with spring and summer. I claim the potential in this day, use it as a source to fire up my internal light.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
February 26, 2009 @ 9:31am
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: As God's beloved, I gladly get out of my mind and live in and through my heart to be one with my sweetheart.
Writing my blog during a break at work is too hard, I'll try it this evening.
Writing my blog during a break at work is too hard, I'll try it this evening.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
February 25, 2009 @ 7:10am
As February winds down, I can't help but fall in love with this month. I've witness some of my biggest spiritual transformations or at least it was in this month that I made some really awesome choices about how to live and how to be present in the moment. I'm excited about spring and more than ready to allow old man winter time to hybernate or at least tuck away the frigid temperatures. Turning 42 has marked a turning point, a time of forward movement and loads of awakening. I feel spectacular and to think that all of it has been a matter of simplicity and nothing catastrophic.
www.scienceofmind.com affirmation: From our fellow humans, we discover that we are made in God's image and likeness, that God is closer than our breath, and that God lives eternal life through us.
There is a part of me that keeps returning to the four agreements because it's understandable and easily accessible. Today my mind rest with the agreement about always doing your best. All my life I feel as if I had to not only do my best but double that. I think about the times when I go into job interviews and the ways in which my capacity are doubted as if I couldn't know what I know but the truth is I've never had the luxury of not knowing. I've always had the type of work ethic, ingrained from my mother and further required by the early responsibility of parenthood, I had to do my very best or risk what little I had. I've always been compelled to do my best because I was a person who never wanted to owe anybody anything and never asked for anything either. I gave more than 100% because at the end of the day I didn't want there to be any question about what I contributed and if I was worthy of being employed. It never dawned on me how stressful that was because I never had time for stress which might be why I'm hypertensive now. I laugh at the notion of stress being some type of determinate or blocker to getting the job done. Sometimes I wish I had known that you could not be 100% and still keep your job, actually I'm glad I didn't know this because it's a cop out. Doing my best is not just for others but for me. It provides me with the type of satisfaction, a confidence of job well done despite the lack of recognition and it's my comfort in the evening when I lay my head down to rest. My sleep is easy because I've given my best. I find that doing my best has been my saving grace and to learn of it's spiritual power is a wonderful affirmation for a life committed to doing what's right. Doing my best is personally rewarding and it's that smile I get to have on the inside and the assuredness of days to come.
All I have is me, I recognize the limits within my physical capacity but my mental reach is far and wide. I've been aptly rewarded for using my brain matter to work smarter, to create more efficient and effective policies or procedures. Also, it's within my thoughts where I can be he example of what is good, positive, light and Godly. To step into the passion of doing one's best as been the ultimate motivator. To understand the bigger picture while enacting the process also known as the trees, the more intricate elements of how things will get done. I get excited when success unfolds from simple acts that at first glance seem impossible but with so little effort, prove to be the ultimate solution. I can't help but care about people, places and things which in this day and time seems to make me a freak of nature, not normal or too esoteric. It's funny to watch people waste their potential, to run from moments that are designed to teach them about the truth of their existence. I hold them in prayer and know that they too will see the light in their own time. Of course I want those around me to see the light sooner rather than later but I know all too well this journey is unique and irrespective of time. Choices are made everyday and old habits die hard and joy seems like a distant fantasy.
I do my best because at the end of the day that's all I really have to share with the world, that's how I spread a little joy and it's perfect fodder for me to be an example of the divine light. The best is the way I say thank you to spirit for righteous living, for allowing me time on this earthly two-dimensional plane and being the best is an expressive of the love I have for family, friends and loved ones. It's just a part of me, the part of me that never goes away and the part of me that has allowed me to attain this enlightenment, to grasp unto the power and the presence within me and the best opportunity I have at knowing the moment once and for all.
I am perfect and I am whole and I complete. I LOVE ME!
www.scienceofmind.com affirmation: From our fellow humans, we discover that we are made in God's image and likeness, that God is closer than our breath, and that God lives eternal life through us.
There is a part of me that keeps returning to the four agreements because it's understandable and easily accessible. Today my mind rest with the agreement about always doing your best. All my life I feel as if I had to not only do my best but double that. I think about the times when I go into job interviews and the ways in which my capacity are doubted as if I couldn't know what I know but the truth is I've never had the luxury of not knowing. I've always had the type of work ethic, ingrained from my mother and further required by the early responsibility of parenthood, I had to do my very best or risk what little I had. I've always been compelled to do my best because I was a person who never wanted to owe anybody anything and never asked for anything either. I gave more than 100% because at the end of the day I didn't want there to be any question about what I contributed and if I was worthy of being employed. It never dawned on me how stressful that was because I never had time for stress which might be why I'm hypertensive now. I laugh at the notion of stress being some type of determinate or blocker to getting the job done. Sometimes I wish I had known that you could not be 100% and still keep your job, actually I'm glad I didn't know this because it's a cop out. Doing my best is not just for others but for me. It provides me with the type of satisfaction, a confidence of job well done despite the lack of recognition and it's my comfort in the evening when I lay my head down to rest. My sleep is easy because I've given my best. I find that doing my best has been my saving grace and to learn of it's spiritual power is a wonderful affirmation for a life committed to doing what's right. Doing my best is personally rewarding and it's that smile I get to have on the inside and the assuredness of days to come.
All I have is me, I recognize the limits within my physical capacity but my mental reach is far and wide. I've been aptly rewarded for using my brain matter to work smarter, to create more efficient and effective policies or procedures. Also, it's within my thoughts where I can be he example of what is good, positive, light and Godly. To step into the passion of doing one's best as been the ultimate motivator. To understand the bigger picture while enacting the process also known as the trees, the more intricate elements of how things will get done. I get excited when success unfolds from simple acts that at first glance seem impossible but with so little effort, prove to be the ultimate solution. I can't help but care about people, places and things which in this day and time seems to make me a freak of nature, not normal or too esoteric. It's funny to watch people waste their potential, to run from moments that are designed to teach them about the truth of their existence. I hold them in prayer and know that they too will see the light in their own time. Of course I want those around me to see the light sooner rather than later but I know all too well this journey is unique and irrespective of time. Choices are made everyday and old habits die hard and joy seems like a distant fantasy.
I do my best because at the end of the day that's all I really have to share with the world, that's how I spread a little joy and it's perfect fodder for me to be an example of the divine light. The best is the way I say thank you to spirit for righteous living, for allowing me time on this earthly two-dimensional plane and being the best is an expressive of the love I have for family, friends and loved ones. It's just a part of me, the part of me that never goes away and the part of me that has allowed me to attain this enlightenment, to grasp unto the power and the presence within me and the best opportunity I have at knowing the moment once and for all.
I am perfect and I am whole and I complete. I LOVE ME!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
February 24, 2009 @ 8:09am
Good Morning Life and it's a beautiful morning, the sun is edging out the clouds and this makes me happy. Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: I am forever grateful for every choice and experience that has brought me into the loving arms of my sacred partner, the Beloved.
This affirmation reminds me of some thoughts that I have had over the last several weeks. What I continue to say to myself is this, I have no regrets, I enjoy the life I live and I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened to me because the culmination of my life experience has brought me into the loving arms of spirit. I can't imagine it any other way and sure I would of enjoyed a less drama filled journey but that's not the point, the reward is where I am now. I am somewhere I never thought I'd be, I'm in a space of contentment that I thought was only in movies or in my best fantasies. I feel so much love for myself, an honoring of my spirit as divine and worthy of goodness, this is a long ways from victimhood. I recall victimhood all too well, the ways in which I was always a victim of something and never responsible for my own behavior.
The blessing about taking responsibility is the opportunity to shape my life, to be an active creator of my reality and to finally honor what is inside of me, my own desires, wants and wishes. Victimhood often left me feeling as if I owed the world something, that I had dues to pay or I needed to dumb myself down or simply act as if my world was crumbling all around me. I remember the days when I would wonder why I'm in the same place time and time again, it bothered me that I would take what looked liked a different path yet end up in the same place. I never took a moment to consider my own actions, my own mindset or the voices in my head that had a bad habit of playing victim, had a bad habit of engaging acts of self sabotage and a bad habit of telling myself, I wasn't worthy or good enough.
I'm currently in this situation where I think I don't know what to do but the truth is the choice is simple. I don't want to make this simple choice because the old voices are vying for some stage time in my life, vying for a reunion with my old self and vying for victimhood. Yet, I keep hearing this small voice in my head saying I deserve the best, I deserve better and I am getting all the goodness that is righteously mine. A dear friend of mine, Donna B told me to write on a piece of paper the words, I deserve the best and stick it in my wallet so that I would refer to it from time to time. The truth is this I don't know what ever happen to that piece of paper but I'll make another one as soon as I'm done with these morning pages. But I hadn't thought about the spiritual advice since it happened nearly ten years ago. I realize she was trying to help me come to understand the truth of my being but I was too caught up in victimhood.
All my life family, friends, teachers and others have predicted a wonderful life for me. I took those words as a sentence. I thought by achieving success I would have to leave people behind, I wouldn't be able to help them or they wouldn't want to be associated with me. My primary struggle from the time I was a young child was a sense of survivor's guilt and I'm not sure where it began, who etched this consciousness upon me and why I embraced it as my life mantra. This is going to be a continual lesson for me. It is a lesson because I truly, genuinely and in the deep recesses of my soul, I love people and the love translate in the need to save them, to give them the shirt off my back and to do for them at the expense of my own livelihood. I would learn later in life how ineffective I was helping others when I couldn't help myself. I discovered that my best attempts of saving someone else was always destined to faile because change is a choice, no matter how much I do, unless the person creates the change they want, eveything I do is merely a generic brand bandaid, you know the kind that doesn't have enough stick and it keeps falling off every time you put it on.
I can remember the words of my cousin, Charlotte's going to make it. It felt like a death sentence than the affirmation of my abilities. I looked in the mirror this morning and recognized that I have made it. I made it out of the halls of victimhood, I made it out of the land of self sabotage, I made it out of the fields of suicidal thoughts, I made it out of the lap of survivor's guilt and I stopped dancing with self hate. I made it and its wonder that I did but I am here, in the now, in the moment, in the truth and in the love. I can't save anyone else because it's not my job to save anyone else. However, I'm all knowing of the power to save oneself is within each of us. If a broken soul like mine can grab unto it and use it to live my best life, surely others can use it because as hard as it is, it's easier than I ever thought.
I enjoy knowing that this power and presence is in all of us. It helps me to really comprehend the christ nature of Jesus, he did not need to feel sorry for folks and he definitely didn't need to feel sorry for himself. All he did was educate people about the truth, he attempted to just tell the truth about this power of God inside of us. He loved as love can only do.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
This affirmation reminds me of some thoughts that I have had over the last several weeks. What I continue to say to myself is this, I have no regrets, I enjoy the life I live and I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened to me because the culmination of my life experience has brought me into the loving arms of spirit. I can't imagine it any other way and sure I would of enjoyed a less drama filled journey but that's not the point, the reward is where I am now. I am somewhere I never thought I'd be, I'm in a space of contentment that I thought was only in movies or in my best fantasies. I feel so much love for myself, an honoring of my spirit as divine and worthy of goodness, this is a long ways from victimhood. I recall victimhood all too well, the ways in which I was always a victim of something and never responsible for my own behavior.
The blessing about taking responsibility is the opportunity to shape my life, to be an active creator of my reality and to finally honor what is inside of me, my own desires, wants and wishes. Victimhood often left me feeling as if I owed the world something, that I had dues to pay or I needed to dumb myself down or simply act as if my world was crumbling all around me. I remember the days when I would wonder why I'm in the same place time and time again, it bothered me that I would take what looked liked a different path yet end up in the same place. I never took a moment to consider my own actions, my own mindset or the voices in my head that had a bad habit of playing victim, had a bad habit of engaging acts of self sabotage and a bad habit of telling myself, I wasn't worthy or good enough.
I'm currently in this situation where I think I don't know what to do but the truth is the choice is simple. I don't want to make this simple choice because the old voices are vying for some stage time in my life, vying for a reunion with my old self and vying for victimhood. Yet, I keep hearing this small voice in my head saying I deserve the best, I deserve better and I am getting all the goodness that is righteously mine. A dear friend of mine, Donna B told me to write on a piece of paper the words, I deserve the best and stick it in my wallet so that I would refer to it from time to time. The truth is this I don't know what ever happen to that piece of paper but I'll make another one as soon as I'm done with these morning pages. But I hadn't thought about the spiritual advice since it happened nearly ten years ago. I realize she was trying to help me come to understand the truth of my being but I was too caught up in victimhood.
All my life family, friends, teachers and others have predicted a wonderful life for me. I took those words as a sentence. I thought by achieving success I would have to leave people behind, I wouldn't be able to help them or they wouldn't want to be associated with me. My primary struggle from the time I was a young child was a sense of survivor's guilt and I'm not sure where it began, who etched this consciousness upon me and why I embraced it as my life mantra. This is going to be a continual lesson for me. It is a lesson because I truly, genuinely and in the deep recesses of my soul, I love people and the love translate in the need to save them, to give them the shirt off my back and to do for them at the expense of my own livelihood. I would learn later in life how ineffective I was helping others when I couldn't help myself. I discovered that my best attempts of saving someone else was always destined to faile because change is a choice, no matter how much I do, unless the person creates the change they want, eveything I do is merely a generic brand bandaid, you know the kind that doesn't have enough stick and it keeps falling off every time you put it on.
I can remember the words of my cousin, Charlotte's going to make it. It felt like a death sentence than the affirmation of my abilities. I looked in the mirror this morning and recognized that I have made it. I made it out of the halls of victimhood, I made it out of the land of self sabotage, I made it out of the fields of suicidal thoughts, I made it out of the lap of survivor's guilt and I stopped dancing with self hate. I made it and its wonder that I did but I am here, in the now, in the moment, in the truth and in the love. I can't save anyone else because it's not my job to save anyone else. However, I'm all knowing of the power to save oneself is within each of us. If a broken soul like mine can grab unto it and use it to live my best life, surely others can use it because as hard as it is, it's easier than I ever thought.
I enjoy knowing that this power and presence is in all of us. It helps me to really comprehend the christ nature of Jesus, he did not need to feel sorry for folks and he definitely didn't need to feel sorry for himself. All he did was educate people about the truth, he attempted to just tell the truth about this power of God inside of us. He loved as love can only do.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
February 23, 2008 @ 6:37am
As God's beloved, I joyfully expand my awareness of the presence of my sweetheart in ALL of creation. www.scienceofmind.com affirmation.
I slept really well last night and I give credit to the exercise video I did yesterday. And the results of a good nights rest made me get up and do the video again this morning. In my mind I was dancing, having fun and not really exercising although I had my occasional moments of counting down, a habit of mine. It just felt good to be moving my body, to be honoring this vessel that I've been bestowed and give it the motion for better living.
Jeremiah and I went to the movies, I'm not sure if this is possible but I get this feeling that I love him more and more each day. It's like that with all of my children, I find myself loving them more and more as if I can't love them enough. The movie made me laugh, I struggle with plot in Tyler Perry's movies, not so much the plot but the way he moves the plots forward, the awkward gaps and suddenly your dropped into a scene with so much emotion and intensity but only to pulled away from it with comedy that seems jarring and inappropriate. I learn from him and I can't help but appreciate and honor his tenacity to make films for black people. Jeremiah loved the film, he laughed so hard it was a joy to watch him be so happy. I wish this type of happiness for him at all times.
I continue to work on myself, I continue to witness the forward steps I make toward being more in my moments and embracing the presence of the divine within me. I keep listening to the talks by Moira Foxe, I'll run out of them soon but it doesn't matter because her short talks are so powerful and so full of substance, I can listen to them a million times and on each take find something new and evocative. I'm really challenging myself to fully embrace this notion of having everything I need and not looking outside of myself for those things. I think this concept has an element of concern for me because I'm a loner, someone who has no problem with being alone and surely I don't ask others for anything. I have felt that I needed to be more open with people and receptive to receiving and to think of myself as having everything I need makes me wonder if I will close myself off to people. I wonder this but there is a still small voice in my mind that convinces me otherwise.
The truth of my experience is this, I seem to be more open to the complexity of human kind, the more I embrace the truth of wholeness. I'm finding a level of patience but inner knowing that is not irritated or bothered by and I don't need to tolerate, actually I find that I'm overjoyed with the spiritual knowledge that they too can know the truth. I'm compassionate because I know that each different is differnt and unique much like our human mark. I'm loving because in this space of spiritual understanding I get that we are one and although I don't by into that old philosophy that says if one isn't free no one is free, NO, what I know is that since I know freedom and since I am interconnected to all humanity then the possibility of freedom for all huamnkind is available. And at the same time, God in all his infinite wisdom gave us "free will" which guarantees the chance to experience life in a multitude of ways. As I witness the pain and suffering I send forth God energy for healing and at the same time I know that the choices individuals will make is the ultimate determiner of their lives. I trust that people will make the appropriate choices, even when I know the choices don't serve them but I have to remember that I too made choices, many and many choices that did not serve my humanity but I'm here, so if I have the capacity to come from a place where nothing but darkness surrounded me, surely anyone can come into the light. The light of love, the light of truth, the light of wholeness, the light of perfection and the light of God.
It's a beautiful Monday morning, a bit chilly but the sun has negotiated a leading role, I'm always grateful to the clouds that side step for periods of time, so that the sun can allow her rays to give us enrgetic rays of hope, light and warmth. I guess life is much like this, sometimes we let our light shine, other times the clouds block are light and then in the action of getting closer to truth, we negotiate for a chance to let our light shine, taking what we can get but knowing our time is coming.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
I slept really well last night and I give credit to the exercise video I did yesterday. And the results of a good nights rest made me get up and do the video again this morning. In my mind I was dancing, having fun and not really exercising although I had my occasional moments of counting down, a habit of mine. It just felt good to be moving my body, to be honoring this vessel that I've been bestowed and give it the motion for better living.
Jeremiah and I went to the movies, I'm not sure if this is possible but I get this feeling that I love him more and more each day. It's like that with all of my children, I find myself loving them more and more as if I can't love them enough. The movie made me laugh, I struggle with plot in Tyler Perry's movies, not so much the plot but the way he moves the plots forward, the awkward gaps and suddenly your dropped into a scene with so much emotion and intensity but only to pulled away from it with comedy that seems jarring and inappropriate. I learn from him and I can't help but appreciate and honor his tenacity to make films for black people. Jeremiah loved the film, he laughed so hard it was a joy to watch him be so happy. I wish this type of happiness for him at all times.
I continue to work on myself, I continue to witness the forward steps I make toward being more in my moments and embracing the presence of the divine within me. I keep listening to the talks by Moira Foxe, I'll run out of them soon but it doesn't matter because her short talks are so powerful and so full of substance, I can listen to them a million times and on each take find something new and evocative. I'm really challenging myself to fully embrace this notion of having everything I need and not looking outside of myself for those things. I think this concept has an element of concern for me because I'm a loner, someone who has no problem with being alone and surely I don't ask others for anything. I have felt that I needed to be more open with people and receptive to receiving and to think of myself as having everything I need makes me wonder if I will close myself off to people. I wonder this but there is a still small voice in my mind that convinces me otherwise.
The truth of my experience is this, I seem to be more open to the complexity of human kind, the more I embrace the truth of wholeness. I'm finding a level of patience but inner knowing that is not irritated or bothered by and I don't need to tolerate, actually I find that I'm overjoyed with the spiritual knowledge that they too can know the truth. I'm compassionate because I know that each different is differnt and unique much like our human mark. I'm loving because in this space of spiritual understanding I get that we are one and although I don't by into that old philosophy that says if one isn't free no one is free, NO, what I know is that since I know freedom and since I am interconnected to all humanity then the possibility of freedom for all huamnkind is available. And at the same time, God in all his infinite wisdom gave us "free will" which guarantees the chance to experience life in a multitude of ways. As I witness the pain and suffering I send forth God energy for healing and at the same time I know that the choices individuals will make is the ultimate determiner of their lives. I trust that people will make the appropriate choices, even when I know the choices don't serve them but I have to remember that I too made choices, many and many choices that did not serve my humanity but I'm here, so if I have the capacity to come from a place where nothing but darkness surrounded me, surely anyone can come into the light. The light of love, the light of truth, the light of wholeness, the light of perfection and the light of God.
It's a beautiful Monday morning, a bit chilly but the sun has negotiated a leading role, I'm always grateful to the clouds that side step for periods of time, so that the sun can allow her rays to give us enrgetic rays of hope, light and warmth. I guess life is much like this, sometimes we let our light shine, other times the clouds block are light and then in the action of getting closer to truth, we negotiate for a chance to let our light shine, taking what we can get but knowing our time is coming.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
February 22, 2009 @ 8:42am
As God’s beloved, I rejoice for all the opportunities I have to commune with my lover through holy, sacred prayer. www.scienceofmind.com affirmation.
I dreamt that I woke up and wrote some amazing morning page, what it was about has escaped me. What I am feeling this morning is a sense of calm and peace. I worked on some treasure mapping. There are no pictures because I have no magazines or at least the kind of magazines that I want to cut up. But on several different pieces of colored paper, I wrote in bold black letters my map, the reality of my existence, what I really wanted and where I am going. Already I am doubting some of the things, especially the part about being a spiritual leader and the successful formation of a community of like minded believers. Every fiber of my being is saying this is the path that I am pre-destined to take and it is a real stepping into a calling that I have had for many, many, many years. I'm not one hundred percent that I am ready but I get the feeling that I'm more ready than I think. Also, I had this talk with myself about making the time commitment, weekly gathering is huge and will require so much of my time to prep and attend and communicate with others who might call me during the week. It's okay I can do it. Something in me is speaking loudly about this endeavor and it's huge success and it's reward not only for this community and for myself.
The mapping revealed so many things especially in the job department. I've come to understand something about life and the Ann Arbor job market but I'm steadfast, I know that the holy spirit will assist in the transition into the perfect position for me. In the meantime I need to enjoy what I have, make the most of it and be-gift them the best possible me. Also, I was pretty clear about what I wanted in my next position which is good. I will only apply for positions that will give me this. It's taking a leap of faith to hold out for the type of position that I want. Nonetheless, I surrender it all to spirit and allow the inner workings of the universal energy to unfold and manifest the job that fits me as oppose to the job I try to fit in.
I wasn't so specific about my future lover and I see the glaring blank space that is present on the map in the love section. I'm resistant to this because I know that whatever I choose will manifest and I'm stuck with it. What an awful thing to say, stuck with. I must confess, as much as I want a relationship, I look back and see that for the most part I was a commitment phobe and always ready to see what was wrong with others and not accept my own imperfections. It is interesting to watch myself a few weeks ago wallow in the peaks of imaginary love, the prospect of loving another and the high of seeing someone without judgment. Now I'm in this middle ground of uncertainty and I can't find that spark I had just a few days ago and I know that it is me, my old habits resurrecting themselves. I whisper to myself that all is well and that I will be just fine. and slowly I return to that space of divine reflection. The place where I see another soul as the God that they are and I dream of being friends, lovers and partners.
Some highlights of the mapping revealed a desire to swim more, go roller blading, gardening and a return to the eye doctor for glasses. I wore glasses from the time I was in kindergarten until high school and I get the feeling I need glasses again. I have these headaches, I want to blame them on being hypertensive but that's not it, I think I need some corrective eye wear. I found a cute pair of glasses one day in a lecture hall, I guess I should of turned them in but for some reason they stayed with me and I still have them. I send delayed light and love that the person was able to get new glasses. Another highlight on my map was the completion of my degree at UDM. This was completely unsuspecting and came out of nowhere but it felt right. It has felt like the perfect plan, the one thing I've always wanted but couldn't accept as a possibility. Now I don't have to wonder how it will come to be, I simply relinquish it over to the divine spirit, let the universal force work it's magic, trust and believe it is so.
My motto this year is 2009 is mine, this is the year that I honor myself, that I give myself permission to dream, dream big and I accept all the goodness the holy spirit has for me. I receive it with open arms, an open heart and with an open mind. I move around as if it is already happening and stop full into my life, the life that I was always meant to be.
Finally, I'm excited about centering my mind, body and soul on spiritual truths, to really take this knowledge and make it a day to day practice. And practice it will be because practice makes perfect and I accept that I will need loads of practice, loads of patience with myself and time to witness the spiritual leaps that I will take over time.
I'm alright, I feel strong and I'm confident about my moments and potential of my future. I am humbled, honored, grateful for each time I take in air and feel God's presence.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!
I dreamt that I woke up and wrote some amazing morning page, what it was about has escaped me. What I am feeling this morning is a sense of calm and peace. I worked on some treasure mapping. There are no pictures because I have no magazines or at least the kind of magazines that I want to cut up. But on several different pieces of colored paper, I wrote in bold black letters my map, the reality of my existence, what I really wanted and where I am going. Already I am doubting some of the things, especially the part about being a spiritual leader and the successful formation of a community of like minded believers. Every fiber of my being is saying this is the path that I am pre-destined to take and it is a real stepping into a calling that I have had for many, many, many years. I'm not one hundred percent that I am ready but I get the feeling that I'm more ready than I think. Also, I had this talk with myself about making the time commitment, weekly gathering is huge and will require so much of my time to prep and attend and communicate with others who might call me during the week. It's okay I can do it. Something in me is speaking loudly about this endeavor and it's huge success and it's reward not only for this community and for myself.
The mapping revealed so many things especially in the job department. I've come to understand something about life and the Ann Arbor job market but I'm steadfast, I know that the holy spirit will assist in the transition into the perfect position for me. In the meantime I need to enjoy what I have, make the most of it and be-gift them the best possible me. Also, I was pretty clear about what I wanted in my next position which is good. I will only apply for positions that will give me this. It's taking a leap of faith to hold out for the type of position that I want. Nonetheless, I surrender it all to spirit and allow the inner workings of the universal energy to unfold and manifest the job that fits me as oppose to the job I try to fit in.
I wasn't so specific about my future lover and I see the glaring blank space that is present on the map in the love section. I'm resistant to this because I know that whatever I choose will manifest and I'm stuck with it. What an awful thing to say, stuck with. I must confess, as much as I want a relationship, I look back and see that for the most part I was a commitment phobe and always ready to see what was wrong with others and not accept my own imperfections. It is interesting to watch myself a few weeks ago wallow in the peaks of imaginary love, the prospect of loving another and the high of seeing someone without judgment. Now I'm in this middle ground of uncertainty and I can't find that spark I had just a few days ago and I know that it is me, my old habits resurrecting themselves. I whisper to myself that all is well and that I will be just fine. and slowly I return to that space of divine reflection. The place where I see another soul as the God that they are and I dream of being friends, lovers and partners.
Some highlights of the mapping revealed a desire to swim more, go roller blading, gardening and a return to the eye doctor for glasses. I wore glasses from the time I was in kindergarten until high school and I get the feeling I need glasses again. I have these headaches, I want to blame them on being hypertensive but that's not it, I think I need some corrective eye wear. I found a cute pair of glasses one day in a lecture hall, I guess I should of turned them in but for some reason they stayed with me and I still have them. I send delayed light and love that the person was able to get new glasses. Another highlight on my map was the completion of my degree at UDM. This was completely unsuspecting and came out of nowhere but it felt right. It has felt like the perfect plan, the one thing I've always wanted but couldn't accept as a possibility. Now I don't have to wonder how it will come to be, I simply relinquish it over to the divine spirit, let the universal force work it's magic, trust and believe it is so.
My motto this year is 2009 is mine, this is the year that I honor myself, that I give myself permission to dream, dream big and I accept all the goodness the holy spirit has for me. I receive it with open arms, an open heart and with an open mind. I move around as if it is already happening and stop full into my life, the life that I was always meant to be.
Finally, I'm excited about centering my mind, body and soul on spiritual truths, to really take this knowledge and make it a day to day practice. And practice it will be because practice makes perfect and I accept that I will need loads of practice, loads of patience with myself and time to witness the spiritual leaps that I will take over time.
I'm alright, I feel strong and I'm confident about my moments and potential of my future. I am humbled, honored, grateful for each time I take in air and feel God's presence.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
February 21, 2009 @ 8:19am
As God's beloved, I am thrilled to know that all of my brothers and sisters are beloved, too! We are equally loved and equally blessed by our Divine Lover. Daily affirmation www.scienceofmind.com.
Survivor's syndrome has been the biggest block in my life, I always wonder why and how I made it without so much as a scratch or a bump or without drug or alcohol addiction or without any significant violent experience, I always wonder and for so many years I felt guilty that I would have such blessings while others did not. I spent so much time in self sabotage mode, so that my life would be insignificant because surely I didn't deserve the goodness that seemed to flow to me effortlessly. I dumbed myself down and shifted myself from the spotlight and I tried to cover it all up. And time after time, after time, after time, God was always good to me and blessing flow like water into my life. And I'll never forget a woman who challenged me to think about what I was doing. She said it's easy for you to be somebody amongst people who have no sense of themselves but she wondered why I didn't take my gifts and talents and allow them to flourish amidst those who were more famous because in her eyes she could see my capability and she questioned why I would settle for anything less than the best. I hated her for saying that to me, I kept her words bottled up in a place where I told myself that she couldn't possibly know anything because she was a heroine addict or in recovery, what could she possibly know. I realize to day that God isn't picky about who is chosen to deliver messages and sometimes the very people that we think can't deliver messages are the one's specifically appointed to bring us the light but of course we are to ingrained with the EGO to really embrace the truth from it's odd source.
Today's affirmation does two things, it acknowledges that everyone, all my brother and sister earthling, human beings have the same love and in that I don't have to live with guilt. It also inherrantly evokes the truth about everyone and confirms that if the God presence is in everyone then the message can come from anyone. It opens up this space where I don't have to feel sorry for people but bless them and send positive energy that they too will tap into their God given soul and bring forth in their own lives the goodness that God has for them. To say a small prayer for their eyes to open to truth, To say a pray for their hearts to lean into the arms of the divine, to say a prayer for them to see the oneness they have with the holy spirit, to pray that they come to understand they too are perfect, whole and complete, to pray that they come to know love as something that is inside of them, to pray that they feel the light of moment, to pray with a deep sincerity that they will come to God in their fullness. To replace the guilt with a knowing that they will be more in their moments and that for now this is what there experience needs to be to get them there. Lord I know that paths vary wildly and widely.
I was just listening to a talk by Moira Fox at the Redondo Beach Center for Spiritual Living and she begged the question, are you ready to take responsibility for your life? It sounded like a question for children or high school graduates but it was a deeply profound spiritual question. She went on to say that are you really ready to take responsibility for your life, to stop the blamming, to stop find fault in others, to stop finger pointing, and to stop keeping score of the supposed self-identified wrong doings of others. I love Moira and the way she digs deep into your understanding, the way she dispels the myths of social interaction and the dysfunctional ways we construct our lives. What good does it really do for me to spend my time blaming, pointing, fault finding other people and to add more dysfunction on top, to keep a damn score card why is that. The thought that I am not my experiences is such a profound concept, to come to understand that I am not the sum of what happens, I am the sum of what I think because although I can't control my experiences, because thoughts control my experiences, I have the wonderful gift and power to control my thoughts which will affect my experience. It's like having full access to the special button and the middle button. This power seems so amazing and then Moira talked about what to do when you're in the midst of situations with people who aren't living up to their Godly potential, your only goal is to not blame, point, find fault but to bless them, to keep blessing them until they come to know the truth. To bless them knowing that God has complete control of the experience and to recognize that I am not what I'm experiencing because in reality it doesn't have anything to do with me, it all has to do with that's persons stuff. I'm perfect, whole and complete, even when the man yells at me or when the co-worker talks about me behind my back or when someone sabotages my efforts or when I'm second guessed or being undermined, I'm not that stuff.
Every day I think about how much wasted time I spent, how many careless and unconscious decisions I made based on the blaming, the fault finding, the finger pointing and score card keeping of others. I had the three strike rule or the philosophies about what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't or I had this need to recognize what was wrong in people at the expense of seeing what was right with them and the joys of being a full-time habitual victim is that wonderous act of placing all the blame on anybody but myself because it was easier. It's easy to see others in a not so easy light and hard as hell to take full responsibility for one's life. As hard as it is, I hadn't expected the sense of liberation and freedom and love and understanding that comes with full responsibility. At first of course I shifted the outer blame into internalized blame, blaming myself for everything. Pointing the finger at me and finding fault in everything I did and lord knows I had filled up so many score cards, I wondered if there were any more cards available to me, really. But the shift came when I began to work with my thoughts when I began to accept the spiritual truth and be more present in my moments. There has been so much relief and joy that comes to me through accepting what is and letting all the stuff go.
There is so much power in creating a vision for my reality and watching it manifest over time. Allowing God to use as clay my thoughts and witness the transformative hands of spirit mold my life into a wonderful blessing, full of goodness, joy, peace and most importantly Love.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
Survivor's syndrome has been the biggest block in my life, I always wonder why and how I made it without so much as a scratch or a bump or without drug or alcohol addiction or without any significant violent experience, I always wonder and for so many years I felt guilty that I would have such blessings while others did not. I spent so much time in self sabotage mode, so that my life would be insignificant because surely I didn't deserve the goodness that seemed to flow to me effortlessly. I dumbed myself down and shifted myself from the spotlight and I tried to cover it all up. And time after time, after time, after time, God was always good to me and blessing flow like water into my life. And I'll never forget a woman who challenged me to think about what I was doing. She said it's easy for you to be somebody amongst people who have no sense of themselves but she wondered why I didn't take my gifts and talents and allow them to flourish amidst those who were more famous because in her eyes she could see my capability and she questioned why I would settle for anything less than the best. I hated her for saying that to me, I kept her words bottled up in a place where I told myself that she couldn't possibly know anything because she was a heroine addict or in recovery, what could she possibly know. I realize to day that God isn't picky about who is chosen to deliver messages and sometimes the very people that we think can't deliver messages are the one's specifically appointed to bring us the light but of course we are to ingrained with the EGO to really embrace the truth from it's odd source.
Today's affirmation does two things, it acknowledges that everyone, all my brother and sister earthling, human beings have the same love and in that I don't have to live with guilt. It also inherrantly evokes the truth about everyone and confirms that if the God presence is in everyone then the message can come from anyone. It opens up this space where I don't have to feel sorry for people but bless them and send positive energy that they too will tap into their God given soul and bring forth in their own lives the goodness that God has for them. To say a small prayer for their eyes to open to truth, To say a pray for their hearts to lean into the arms of the divine, to say a prayer for them to see the oneness they have with the holy spirit, to pray that they come to understand they too are perfect, whole and complete, to pray that they come to know love as something that is inside of them, to pray that they feel the light of moment, to pray with a deep sincerity that they will come to God in their fullness. To replace the guilt with a knowing that they will be more in their moments and that for now this is what there experience needs to be to get them there. Lord I know that paths vary wildly and widely.
I was just listening to a talk by Moira Fox at the Redondo Beach Center for Spiritual Living and she begged the question, are you ready to take responsibility for your life? It sounded like a question for children or high school graduates but it was a deeply profound spiritual question. She went on to say that are you really ready to take responsibility for your life, to stop the blamming, to stop find fault in others, to stop finger pointing, and to stop keeping score of the supposed self-identified wrong doings of others. I love Moira and the way she digs deep into your understanding, the way she dispels the myths of social interaction and the dysfunctional ways we construct our lives. What good does it really do for me to spend my time blaming, pointing, fault finding other people and to add more dysfunction on top, to keep a damn score card why is that. The thought that I am not my experiences is such a profound concept, to come to understand that I am not the sum of what happens, I am the sum of what I think because although I can't control my experiences, because thoughts control my experiences, I have the wonderful gift and power to control my thoughts which will affect my experience. It's like having full access to the special button and the middle button. This power seems so amazing and then Moira talked about what to do when you're in the midst of situations with people who aren't living up to their Godly potential, your only goal is to not blame, point, find fault but to bless them, to keep blessing them until they come to know the truth. To bless them knowing that God has complete control of the experience and to recognize that I am not what I'm experiencing because in reality it doesn't have anything to do with me, it all has to do with that's persons stuff. I'm perfect, whole and complete, even when the man yells at me or when the co-worker talks about me behind my back or when someone sabotages my efforts or when I'm second guessed or being undermined, I'm not that stuff.
Every day I think about how much wasted time I spent, how many careless and unconscious decisions I made based on the blaming, the fault finding, the finger pointing and score card keeping of others. I had the three strike rule or the philosophies about what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't or I had this need to recognize what was wrong in people at the expense of seeing what was right with them and the joys of being a full-time habitual victim is that wonderous act of placing all the blame on anybody but myself because it was easier. It's easy to see others in a not so easy light and hard as hell to take full responsibility for one's life. As hard as it is, I hadn't expected the sense of liberation and freedom and love and understanding that comes with full responsibility. At first of course I shifted the outer blame into internalized blame, blaming myself for everything. Pointing the finger at me and finding fault in everything I did and lord knows I had filled up so many score cards, I wondered if there were any more cards available to me, really. But the shift came when I began to work with my thoughts when I began to accept the spiritual truth and be more present in my moments. There has been so much relief and joy that comes to me through accepting what is and letting all the stuff go.
There is so much power in creating a vision for my reality and watching it manifest over time. Allowing God to use as clay my thoughts and witness the transformative hands of spirit mold my life into a wonderful blessing, full of goodness, joy, peace and most importantly Love.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
Friday, February 20, 2009
February 20, 2009 @ 8:17am
Good morning life and what a beautiful friday it is. It looks as if the clouds will part and allow the sun to have some stage time, I'm most appreciative to the clouds for their wonderous gift. It's a morning full of cheer and wonder and I suspect I will learn some things about myself today.
I'm still reeling in the aftermath of listening to Moira Foxe's spiritual teachings, I can't help but enjoy her presentation, her enthusiasm, her wit and most of all, the ways in which she speaks about spititual truths with the type of conviction I see in ministers of the holiness church. It's the way she builds up to the high point of simplicity and truth, it is equivalent to experiencing God, the palpitation of the heart or the filling up of the lungs and I feel transformed. I feel humbled to have stumbled upon a teacher with so much clarity and the type of translation that I connect to.
In several of her talks, I want to call them sermons but they are more than that and a term befitting to the genuis of what she presents, well the word to describe it is beyond my vocabulary at this time. However, she spoke about relationships, the intimate kind and she reminded me that relationships are not the place to get your unmet needs. It is not a place for one to meet someone's else's needs. A relationship is a place to be inspired to be the best person one can be without demanding the unrealistic from another soul. My initial reaction was a sense of loss, a sense of not wanting a relationship then if it won't meet my needs but then she went on to say that the reason why you can't have those expectations is because they will never get met. And then we walk around wondering why couples break up time and time again. It reminds me of something Michael Beckwith said about Hollywood's subliminal hypnosis of the masses with these unrealistic love stories, full of drama yet in the end everything works out. But we all know that the movies is just that, a movie yet we desire the drama in our lives, I'm guilty of this as well.
Alternately, as I began to embrace Foxe's words, I began to consider this with my spiritual eye, I began to imagine what it would be like to just be myself in a relationship. I try to fantasize about an interaction void of drama and expectations and pain. I see how important it will be for me to just be in the moment, to be in the silence of the experience and acknowledge the God in ourselves while acknowledging the God in the potential soul mate. I can see where it can really good when I come to the table in the truth of being, in my completeness, my wholeness, my perfection. To not be dependent, to not want and want and want or give and give and give with certain expectations. I love how she explains that for those that come to the table whole and loving themselves, then it will be easy to love. I'm watching the RuPaul drag race show these days and at the end she says, if you don't love yourself, how in the hell you expect somebody else to. It's a powerful statement cloaked in that drag queen wit and it's provocative, it's inspiring.
The truth is with each word that comes to me from Foxe, I can't help but get honest with myself, I can't help but recall the moments, the places, the things and the ways in which I am not fully loving myself. Yet, I'm further along than I have ever been and I feel fantatstic. I say to myself I don't know how to come to the table of relationships without expectation and yet I'm already engaged in the act, I'm already moving without expectations. I'm understanding that the only thing I control is Charlotte and the goal for me is to control my thoughts, so that I can influence the way I'm experiencing life.
I do know that my partner is present and our relationship is enfolding although I have no idea who it is but I am ready, I am present and I am knowing that my immediate future entails the beginning of a long term partnership. It's an exciting time, I've decided to not think about the how, I let the divine spirit work that out, my time is spent being open, being in the moment and being receptive. It's a beautiful morning, a beautiful life and a beautiful sunny moment.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
I'm still reeling in the aftermath of listening to Moira Foxe's spiritual teachings, I can't help but enjoy her presentation, her enthusiasm, her wit and most of all, the ways in which she speaks about spititual truths with the type of conviction I see in ministers of the holiness church. It's the way she builds up to the high point of simplicity and truth, it is equivalent to experiencing God, the palpitation of the heart or the filling up of the lungs and I feel transformed. I feel humbled to have stumbled upon a teacher with so much clarity and the type of translation that I connect to.
In several of her talks, I want to call them sermons but they are more than that and a term befitting to the genuis of what she presents, well the word to describe it is beyond my vocabulary at this time. However, she spoke about relationships, the intimate kind and she reminded me that relationships are not the place to get your unmet needs. It is not a place for one to meet someone's else's needs. A relationship is a place to be inspired to be the best person one can be without demanding the unrealistic from another soul. My initial reaction was a sense of loss, a sense of not wanting a relationship then if it won't meet my needs but then she went on to say that the reason why you can't have those expectations is because they will never get met. And then we walk around wondering why couples break up time and time again. It reminds me of something Michael Beckwith said about Hollywood's subliminal hypnosis of the masses with these unrealistic love stories, full of drama yet in the end everything works out. But we all know that the movies is just that, a movie yet we desire the drama in our lives, I'm guilty of this as well.
Alternately, as I began to embrace Foxe's words, I began to consider this with my spiritual eye, I began to imagine what it would be like to just be myself in a relationship. I try to fantasize about an interaction void of drama and expectations and pain. I see how important it will be for me to just be in the moment, to be in the silence of the experience and acknowledge the God in ourselves while acknowledging the God in the potential soul mate. I can see where it can really good when I come to the table in the truth of being, in my completeness, my wholeness, my perfection. To not be dependent, to not want and want and want or give and give and give with certain expectations. I love how she explains that for those that come to the table whole and loving themselves, then it will be easy to love. I'm watching the RuPaul drag race show these days and at the end she says, if you don't love yourself, how in the hell you expect somebody else to. It's a powerful statement cloaked in that drag queen wit and it's provocative, it's inspiring.
The truth is with each word that comes to me from Foxe, I can't help but get honest with myself, I can't help but recall the moments, the places, the things and the ways in which I am not fully loving myself. Yet, I'm further along than I have ever been and I feel fantatstic. I say to myself I don't know how to come to the table of relationships without expectation and yet I'm already engaged in the act, I'm already moving without expectations. I'm understanding that the only thing I control is Charlotte and the goal for me is to control my thoughts, so that I can influence the way I'm experiencing life.
I do know that my partner is present and our relationship is enfolding although I have no idea who it is but I am ready, I am present and I am knowing that my immediate future entails the beginning of a long term partnership. It's an exciting time, I've decided to not think about the how, I let the divine spirit work that out, my time is spent being open, being in the moment and being receptive. It's a beautiful morning, a beautiful life and a beautiful sunny moment.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
February 19, 2009 @ 6:14am
I've been thinking about writing in this time of increased technology and decrease in book sales. It makes me wonder about the history of writing and writing as a profession or as a mechanism for making a living. I wonder because when I was 6 had my favorite books but when I ask my niece or her friends about books, they barely know what a book is but they can tell me all about Hanna Montana, High School something another and I'm disheartened that they don't read. Mostly I'm sad because they haven't come across literature that depicts or is remotely similar to their lives and I wonder what that means for them in the future. I struggle with the moving images that suggest that all little girls should aim to be a actress, model or something on TV, even if it's reality TV or God forbid a guest on a talk show although I'm not sure how popular those talk shows are these days because I don't watch TV very much.
I'm going to write these stories irregardless of publication because there comes a time when the act of creating literature is greater than any financial rewards or accolades or space on a book shelf. I want my stories to reach the minds of girls like myself who need to know that they are alright the way that they are and that they too will grow up to be something special. I rode the bus home yesterday. My arms were full of books and between the rain and my lopsided umbrella, I jumped on the bus to carry me the short distance but I only did it for the books and not because I'm lazy or so I think. There was a young girl on the bus, brown skinned, short hair, chubby but not fat and she reminded me of myself when I was her age. She was also somewhat angry and that really touched a place deep inside of me. Her backpack was loaded to the brim, her hands looked as if she worked and her weary eyes seemed to have settled into a notion of defeat. What I wanted to do was hug her, love her brown skin, hold her chubby body and stroke the nappy and short tendrils that lay atop her head. Really I just wanted to tell her what she would never believe from me and that is, she was beautiful, intelligent, had a wonderful body and good hair. I wanted her to know that she was somebody, she was worthy of love, she was worthy of appreciation, she was worthy of everything her heart dreamed of. These are the girls I want to reach with my words, girls who struggle with a society so dysfunctional yet tries to make them think they're the the ones with the dysfunction.
With that in mind this is when spirituality has to be the space for which I move and have my being because if I let my mind tell me it's take on the situation, I would not write because there would be nothing in my mind that says these young women would get my books but since I'm close to the divine spirit and we have this intimate relationship, God is my beloved and as I am God's, I know that there is an universal energy that can create the impossible, that can move through the improbable and can bring into existence the unthinkable. For the girls who feel left out, I want them to know that they are okay just the way they are.
I have no idea how my words will get into the hands of girsl like the girl I came across on the bus yesterday but I have to know that the books will get there. I never thought I would read anything as remotely moving as I know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I read yesterday that Maya Angelou almost didn't write the story, it hadn't occurred to her to put them on the page, I find this fascinating and I wonder if she hadn't who would I be today. That book saved my life, allowed me to see myself in a book and it entered my life at a point when I felt like I was ugly as a brown, chubby, eye glass wearing, short nappy hair and lonely young girl. A time when I had no voice, no sense of direction and wondered why God made people like me in the first place but all that changed when I read this book, when I awaken to myself on the page within a story where I could have a fairy tale ending, well not exactly but enough of an ending to know that life could be more than what I was experiencing at the time. There was nothing more powerful than to read a book about a girl with no voice because as much as I talked which wasn't very often, I felt as if my vocal cords had no sound. I knew exactly why the caged bird sang and as a caged bird, I would sing. It would take me a while to learn to sing (figuratively and literally) and today I give myself full permission to sing, to tell my stories in a rhythm of compassion, with a densely loving stacatto and with a beat that mimics the heart, that signifies that I deserve to be alive. A beat that signals that the girl on the bus deserves to be alive too, we all do and that's what being a conduit means, that's what surrendering to the holy spirit entails, this understanding of one's purpose, one's beloved gift from the Divine.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
I'm going to write these stories irregardless of publication because there comes a time when the act of creating literature is greater than any financial rewards or accolades or space on a book shelf. I want my stories to reach the minds of girls like myself who need to know that they are alright the way that they are and that they too will grow up to be something special. I rode the bus home yesterday. My arms were full of books and between the rain and my lopsided umbrella, I jumped on the bus to carry me the short distance but I only did it for the books and not because I'm lazy or so I think. There was a young girl on the bus, brown skinned, short hair, chubby but not fat and she reminded me of myself when I was her age. She was also somewhat angry and that really touched a place deep inside of me. Her backpack was loaded to the brim, her hands looked as if she worked and her weary eyes seemed to have settled into a notion of defeat. What I wanted to do was hug her, love her brown skin, hold her chubby body and stroke the nappy and short tendrils that lay atop her head. Really I just wanted to tell her what she would never believe from me and that is, she was beautiful, intelligent, had a wonderful body and good hair. I wanted her to know that she was somebody, she was worthy of love, she was worthy of appreciation, she was worthy of everything her heart dreamed of. These are the girls I want to reach with my words, girls who struggle with a society so dysfunctional yet tries to make them think they're the the ones with the dysfunction.
With that in mind this is when spirituality has to be the space for which I move and have my being because if I let my mind tell me it's take on the situation, I would not write because there would be nothing in my mind that says these young women would get my books but since I'm close to the divine spirit and we have this intimate relationship, God is my beloved and as I am God's, I know that there is an universal energy that can create the impossible, that can move through the improbable and can bring into existence the unthinkable. For the girls who feel left out, I want them to know that they are okay just the way they are.
I have no idea how my words will get into the hands of girsl like the girl I came across on the bus yesterday but I have to know that the books will get there. I never thought I would read anything as remotely moving as I know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I read yesterday that Maya Angelou almost didn't write the story, it hadn't occurred to her to put them on the page, I find this fascinating and I wonder if she hadn't who would I be today. That book saved my life, allowed me to see myself in a book and it entered my life at a point when I felt like I was ugly as a brown, chubby, eye glass wearing, short nappy hair and lonely young girl. A time when I had no voice, no sense of direction and wondered why God made people like me in the first place but all that changed when I read this book, when I awaken to myself on the page within a story where I could have a fairy tale ending, well not exactly but enough of an ending to know that life could be more than what I was experiencing at the time. There was nothing more powerful than to read a book about a girl with no voice because as much as I talked which wasn't very often, I felt as if my vocal cords had no sound. I knew exactly why the caged bird sang and as a caged bird, I would sing. It would take me a while to learn to sing (figuratively and literally) and today I give myself full permission to sing, to tell my stories in a rhythm of compassion, with a densely loving stacatto and with a beat that mimics the heart, that signifies that I deserve to be alive. A beat that signals that the girl on the bus deserves to be alive too, we all do and that's what being a conduit means, that's what surrendering to the holy spirit entails, this understanding of one's purpose, one's beloved gift from the Divine.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
February 18, 2009 @ 8:05am
I'm writing some stories from the perspective of a child, actually I wrote the stories before but now I've changed the voice in an attempt to explore the nuances of the story. It's joy to settle back into the mindset of a child and create literature that might appeal to a younger audience. I love the way in which the child voice speaks, the simplicity of the voice and the brutal honesty that unfolds but not on purpose or in an effort to harm. It's the way a child looks at life through innocent lens, looks at life in all it's grandeur. I'm enjoying a sense of relaxation as I portray a child's voice and envelope it into a story that has substance and an arc.
The relaxation comes when I am able to write without the need to bring in the rose colored glasses of adulthood. Or bring in the knowledge that is not important and or zapped with adult sensibilities. It is refreshing to return to a time when the world didn't seem so bad, when the sense of self was in tact and the joy of love was at home, at school or when you were outside playing. I like the way in which a moment can stand out for a child but as soon be gone in the next instant. The ability to play, to pretend and be in lands of make believe are prime with life's simpliest treasures.
There has been this joy that has returned to me as I explore childhood memories. For many years I thought I had the worst childhood on the planet, I focused on all the bad things and gave no light or attention to what was good. I look back with eyes patient and open, I see that my younger years were really wonderful and the moments I propagate as terrible are few and when I look at those moments closely, the incidents are minor and immediately dissipate with meaning. I can't help but want to give honor and praise to my mother, who created a world of comfort and love. A world where I may have lacked a father, I didn't really miss his presence. We had everything and a whole bunch of stuff we didn't need. We lived a very lavish lifestyle for kids with a single parent. To have your own room was a luxury but I had that and even when my little sister was born there was always a commitment by my mother to ensure that I did not have to share. Why she honored me with this gift, I have never asked her because I've been too busy feeling upset about having to help out with my sister as oppose to cherishing all that was good but I was a kid. I look at the pictures and I see a kid who is explorative, inventive, adventurous and excited to learn as much as she can. I look at myself today and none of that has changed although when I engage those activities, others think I'm a bit crazy but I don't mind because I know me.
I ate some cereal the other day and I hadn't eaten cereal in a long time. We always had boxes and boxes and boxes of cereal atop our refrigerator. This was something our house was known for, the cereal boxes and the goody cabinet which had all types of goodies like cookies, candies, chips, snacks and anything that wasn't considered regular food. The kids from the neighborhood would come over, some would sneak stuf out of the goody cabinet when we weren't looking. We never thought anything about it, it was there. We had no problems sharing because we knew it would be replenished in no time. The way we were carefree with popsicles, candy and goodies behooves me know. I hadn't remembered this fact until recently.
People used to think that we were rich btu I had no concept because I spent my days wishing for everything in the Spiegel's, Sears or JCPenney cataloge and since I didn't have all that stuff, I figured we were desperately poor. But the flip side of this is that I wasn't exactly materialistic either, I may have wanted things in the cataloge but I wasn't consumed with the need to have that stuff plus when people tell me about what we had, I realize I hadn't really paid attention. I hadn't appreciated all that was good around me and more importantly, I hadn't felt the joy of living in a home with so much abundance.
The child's voice is so expansive and unbarred. It looks but can't see everything that is in front of it because children lack complete knowledge. I get the feeling that spirituality and the path to enlightenment is this way. It's the ability to be present in the world much like a child, to look and perhaps not fully understand what one is seeing. To recognize that knowledge is limited but available and to be confident enough to know that in time all will be revealed. I though that getting older was about getting better but the older I get, the less I know. The more I'm alright with the not knowing, it gives aging an excitement I hadn't expected. It gives each moment vitality and newness. It gives me what I am on the inside because on the inside I'm just a little girl wondering through this world trying to make sense of it and as long as I continue to play, experience life in a playful manner engaging make-believe or pretend realities, I will get closer to the truth, I will finally stumble upon in the playground of life who and what I was meant to be.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!
The relaxation comes when I am able to write without the need to bring in the rose colored glasses of adulthood. Or bring in the knowledge that is not important and or zapped with adult sensibilities. It is refreshing to return to a time when the world didn't seem so bad, when the sense of self was in tact and the joy of love was at home, at school or when you were outside playing. I like the way in which a moment can stand out for a child but as soon be gone in the next instant. The ability to play, to pretend and be in lands of make believe are prime with life's simpliest treasures.
There has been this joy that has returned to me as I explore childhood memories. For many years I thought I had the worst childhood on the planet, I focused on all the bad things and gave no light or attention to what was good. I look back with eyes patient and open, I see that my younger years were really wonderful and the moments I propagate as terrible are few and when I look at those moments closely, the incidents are minor and immediately dissipate with meaning. I can't help but want to give honor and praise to my mother, who created a world of comfort and love. A world where I may have lacked a father, I didn't really miss his presence. We had everything and a whole bunch of stuff we didn't need. We lived a very lavish lifestyle for kids with a single parent. To have your own room was a luxury but I had that and even when my little sister was born there was always a commitment by my mother to ensure that I did not have to share. Why she honored me with this gift, I have never asked her because I've been too busy feeling upset about having to help out with my sister as oppose to cherishing all that was good but I was a kid. I look at the pictures and I see a kid who is explorative, inventive, adventurous and excited to learn as much as she can. I look at myself today and none of that has changed although when I engage those activities, others think I'm a bit crazy but I don't mind because I know me.
I ate some cereal the other day and I hadn't eaten cereal in a long time. We always had boxes and boxes and boxes of cereal atop our refrigerator. This was something our house was known for, the cereal boxes and the goody cabinet which had all types of goodies like cookies, candies, chips, snacks and anything that wasn't considered regular food. The kids from the neighborhood would come over, some would sneak stuf out of the goody cabinet when we weren't looking. We never thought anything about it, it was there. We had no problems sharing because we knew it would be replenished in no time. The way we were carefree with popsicles, candy and goodies behooves me know. I hadn't remembered this fact until recently.
People used to think that we were rich btu I had no concept because I spent my days wishing for everything in the Spiegel's, Sears or JCPenney cataloge and since I didn't have all that stuff, I figured we were desperately poor. But the flip side of this is that I wasn't exactly materialistic either, I may have wanted things in the cataloge but I wasn't consumed with the need to have that stuff plus when people tell me about what we had, I realize I hadn't really paid attention. I hadn't appreciated all that was good around me and more importantly, I hadn't felt the joy of living in a home with so much abundance.
The child's voice is so expansive and unbarred. It looks but can't see everything that is in front of it because children lack complete knowledge. I get the feeling that spirituality and the path to enlightenment is this way. It's the ability to be present in the world much like a child, to look and perhaps not fully understand what one is seeing. To recognize that knowledge is limited but available and to be confident enough to know that in time all will be revealed. I though that getting older was about getting better but the older I get, the less I know. The more I'm alright with the not knowing, it gives aging an excitement I hadn't expected. It gives each moment vitality and newness. It gives me what I am on the inside because on the inside I'm just a little girl wondering through this world trying to make sense of it and as long as I continue to play, experience life in a playful manner engaging make-believe or pretend realities, I will get closer to the truth, I will finally stumble upon in the playground of life who and what I was meant to be.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
February 17, 2009 @ 7:44am
Another tantalizing Tuesday and I'm terribly cold. My son has spent the last couple days away and it's been a shift to be without him. Of course I always tell him I can't wait until he moves out but deep down inside I miss him. I miss his company but I miss the way my house stays clean when he is at home. I guess I'm suffering from a bout of empty nest syndrome although not really since he'll be back this evening but it has made me realize how much I miss having my kids around, how they become so much of your world and then they are gone. And I wonder if it's being in the house alone or what that has me feeling all emotional.
I feel a sense of change happening, I feel a strong sense of goodness expanding within the parameters of my life. I'm still awe struck with the shear peace and joy and mindfulness I live with each day. The contentment has me in a holding pattern where I am able to really enjoy each moment, to see what is so spectacular about living. And to be just outside of the mayheim of the world. To be the light in the darkness and to experience the power of the holy spirit to be a force of greatness in my life. I am alright today, alright with missing the spirit presence of my son who is moody, not so neat or clean but full of wit, charm and old fashion loving warmth. He's like a big teddy bear. A bundle of unconditional love and friendship.
I feel so much better having taken time off from everything, I enjoy the ability to simply not do. I enjoy not running from one place to the other, I enjoy the way my phone isn't ringing with the demands of others. It's funny when I listened to a bunch of voice mail messages, all of which were people calling me for something, not one voice mail asked how I was and if I were doing okay, it was just a demand for more of my time, energy, or other kinds of resources. I hadn't realized how I was living in the giving until I drop mode but I too was guilty of requesting help or the time and energy of others. It was like a chess game of pawning off resources in exchange for other resources. But I called check mate in January when I put a stop to all the madness, all the energy being sucked right out of me and I put a stop to allowing myself to run on fumes.
Each day I love that I can take the moment to expell my thoughts onto the page and be present with the energy of a brand new morning. Before I would just awake to a list of things to do, a list of things I forgot to do for others and a list of things I needed to extract from others. That typoe of living felt empty, it felt void of the substance of life and it felt depleating. I'm steadily increasing the time I commit to meditation, to the stillness of God's infinite wisdom. I am finding I am so much more creative, my writing has gone into a space that I have never dreamed of, it's been slow but steady, I love the fact that I find myself constantly inspired by what I experience in a day. Thoughts come to me and I can see how to enfold that with my pages of fiction. It's no wonder I could never really finish anything or really write from a place of shear muse, my mind was too compacted with other stuff, stuff that as it stands in this very moment don't really mean that much to my life or at least the absence of these thoughts aren't hindering my current creativity.
The joy for me is the way I get to play with creativity. The trial and error of putting something on the page with a childlike innocence. Sometimes the stuff is good and sometimes it is not but what I have come to understand is that it's all good, I've just got to find the right project to put these creative impulses into. I think for so many years I was looking for stuff but didn't know what I was looking for, in terms of making my writing better. What I have uncovered in this time of quiet and self-love is that the stuff I'm looking for will simply come. I don't have to do anything, it is ever present and it shows up just at the moment when I need it too. I love it, I love this simplified living because it is full of so much awareness of things I didn't have time to pay attention to before because I was too busy doing stuff.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
I feel a sense of change happening, I feel a strong sense of goodness expanding within the parameters of my life. I'm still awe struck with the shear peace and joy and mindfulness I live with each day. The contentment has me in a holding pattern where I am able to really enjoy each moment, to see what is so spectacular about living. And to be just outside of the mayheim of the world. To be the light in the darkness and to experience the power of the holy spirit to be a force of greatness in my life. I am alright today, alright with missing the spirit presence of my son who is moody, not so neat or clean but full of wit, charm and old fashion loving warmth. He's like a big teddy bear. A bundle of unconditional love and friendship.
I feel so much better having taken time off from everything, I enjoy the ability to simply not do. I enjoy not running from one place to the other, I enjoy the way my phone isn't ringing with the demands of others. It's funny when I listened to a bunch of voice mail messages, all of which were people calling me for something, not one voice mail asked how I was and if I were doing okay, it was just a demand for more of my time, energy, or other kinds of resources. I hadn't realized how I was living in the giving until I drop mode but I too was guilty of requesting help or the time and energy of others. It was like a chess game of pawning off resources in exchange for other resources. But I called check mate in January when I put a stop to all the madness, all the energy being sucked right out of me and I put a stop to allowing myself to run on fumes.
Each day I love that I can take the moment to expell my thoughts onto the page and be present with the energy of a brand new morning. Before I would just awake to a list of things to do, a list of things I forgot to do for others and a list of things I needed to extract from others. That typoe of living felt empty, it felt void of the substance of life and it felt depleating. I'm steadily increasing the time I commit to meditation, to the stillness of God's infinite wisdom. I am finding I am so much more creative, my writing has gone into a space that I have never dreamed of, it's been slow but steady, I love the fact that I find myself constantly inspired by what I experience in a day. Thoughts come to me and I can see how to enfold that with my pages of fiction. It's no wonder I could never really finish anything or really write from a place of shear muse, my mind was too compacted with other stuff, stuff that as it stands in this very moment don't really mean that much to my life or at least the absence of these thoughts aren't hindering my current creativity.
The joy for me is the way I get to play with creativity. The trial and error of putting something on the page with a childlike innocence. Sometimes the stuff is good and sometimes it is not but what I have come to understand is that it's all good, I've just got to find the right project to put these creative impulses into. I think for so many years I was looking for stuff but didn't know what I was looking for, in terms of making my writing better. What I have uncovered in this time of quiet and self-love is that the stuff I'm looking for will simply come. I don't have to do anything, it is ever present and it shows up just at the moment when I need it too. I love it, I love this simplified living because it is full of so much awareness of things I didn't have time to pay attention to before because I was too busy doing stuff.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
Monday, February 16, 2009
February 16, 2009 @ 6:52am
It's Monday morning. good morning life! My soul looks back in wonder and wonders. These words come from an old gospel song, I love gospel music. I love the way the music picks you up and takes into the arms of God where I feel swaddled in the power of God's infinite love. Church music is what I normally used to call it because that was my only point of reference, I remember the shock and disappointed I felt when I learned that other people went to church but did not partake in the same intensity of music. Actually I felt sorry for them, I recognized what they were missing and wondered if this was why they would never enter the kingdom of heaven. Gospel music seemed like a transporter to God, the direct flight, the non-stop, the express or surely the simplest straight-away. Music was the living force for me on most days, the air that kept my soul alive, it quenched the aches and it made me whole. It has always been the sound of the music coupled with the words. Sometimes the words challenged me and mostly the words of gospel songs seem full of dis-empowerment, a kind of rolling over to a life of suffering with the only hope of joy happening in the by and by or what is affectionately referred to as heaven. I loved gospel music but I was not going to settle for joy in heaven, I wanted at least some of that unspeakable joy right here on earth.
I struggled with God as male, I felt the holy spirit was more encompassing and more expansive than that. It made no sense why women could deliver the message or bring the good news. I questioned many traditionally held beliefs and was told I was too smart for my own good. It was chalked off to the fact that I lived in Ann Arbor, the town of hippies and liberals but more importantly white people. I never understood the envy and jealousy that my church friends had for me. I thought I was just different, I talked white and not black enough although I was too smart. The notion of being too smart had caused me to pause. I knew that it was a great concern for adults and I knew that there were times when I knew more than some adults. To find yourself more knowledgeable than adults puts you in an awkward position but more overly it makes you suspect of adults. What it did for me was create a level of disappointment, a kind of sense of betrayal and spun me into a feeling of instability because if the adults around me are not as smart as I am, then who do I go to for more information or who to I goto to ask questions or who do I go to who can protect me.
This whole black, white, church, worldly stuff was pervasive throughout my childhood. My world was constantly spinning like a tornado, much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I felt as if I landed in some strange land and all I needed to do was find the right way to get back home. I never got back home but home became the library, more overly books became the way I reached some place that I could think of as home. School and the act of learning was definitely tempered with the feeling of being at home. Playing outside, communing with nature was a surefire way for me to know home and take comfort in my locale which in my mind was only temporary. Church never felt like home but the music was a carrier of information about home, a kind of whispering in the ear, a friendly and melodic reminder of the essence of my real home, the place where I belong, the destination of my soul and the whereabouts of a place where I fit in. Fitting in was never a feeling I got to experience growing up and it hasn't exactly come as in my adult life. Although there were many days when I lived in Washington, DC, thats when I felt this sense of belonging without judgment, I felt as if I had arrived to the place of my soul, a place where I was okay just the way I was and there were people who loved me just the way that I was without any need to change a single thing about me. I do recall feeling at home on the beach in California or Provincetown. The water has a tendency to speak to me but it is mostly the oceans. I love mermaids, the thought of living in water and coming to land every now and then. That's what life feels like to me, I live in the sea of my own uniqueness and I go out into the world every now and then.
I've decided to not give up on my pursuit of love for another human being. Said human is not exactly responding the way I would predict but there is something in me that doesn't want to give up, something in me that doesn't want to run and hide, something in me that says keep the faith and something in me that needs to fight or at least needs to keep options open without judgment or critique. There is something inside of me that wants to be better, more patient, more willing to take a chance on this individual, to pass along compassion and understanding and to present as pure love. Everything in me is holding out for something better and it may not work out but I'm one hundred percent sure that either way I am going to come out on the other side a much better person, I'm going to come out on the other side knowing love more profoundly and I am going to be alright. It's been a long time since I have wanted to give another human being besides my children all of me and it's been a while since I have wanted to simply accept another in all of their glory and non-glory. I'm not interested in changing people but I'm interested in showing for love, friendship and stillness. I want to enact these spiritual principles for real with a live person and experience the ectasy of being Godly, being all loving, being the peace, being in the moment. To watch something unfold without wanting to concoct or control or critique. To be in the midst of enfoldment of growth in self and the sharing of that oneness with God and another. It's not complicated, it's very simple, very in the moment.
To not give up on another is more of an act of not giving up on me. It is my way of honoring what is true to my spirit and allowing that truth to manifest in whatever form it is meant to take. It is also a chance for me to return to that place when I was a young girl, the carelessness I had when I loved someone, the openness of that love and the tripping an falling all over the love. Yeah, my heart my sing a sad love song but my heart gets to sing because my mind has been banging out some dreary monastery chant with miserable results and I'd prefer unabashed vulnerable love than this compartmentalized protective living plan I've been engaged in for the last too many years. I's rather fall on my face, be embarased, have another story of unrequited love than not. Living means just that, living. I can live life fully if I am constantly standing on the sidelines of love and relationships, I can't partner with someone when I'm in a one-seater and I definitely can't be in a relationship if I'm afraid to reveal who and what I am. I make a water toast to being junior highish about love, to bask in the innocence of loving another soul and to celebrate on the swing-set of life the ups and downs of getting to my soulmate. Or what I refer to as the soul I choose to mate with.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!
I struggled with God as male, I felt the holy spirit was more encompassing and more expansive than that. It made no sense why women could deliver the message or bring the good news. I questioned many traditionally held beliefs and was told I was too smart for my own good. It was chalked off to the fact that I lived in Ann Arbor, the town of hippies and liberals but more importantly white people. I never understood the envy and jealousy that my church friends had for me. I thought I was just different, I talked white and not black enough although I was too smart. The notion of being too smart had caused me to pause. I knew that it was a great concern for adults and I knew that there were times when I knew more than some adults. To find yourself more knowledgeable than adults puts you in an awkward position but more overly it makes you suspect of adults. What it did for me was create a level of disappointment, a kind of sense of betrayal and spun me into a feeling of instability because if the adults around me are not as smart as I am, then who do I go to for more information or who to I goto to ask questions or who do I go to who can protect me.
This whole black, white, church, worldly stuff was pervasive throughout my childhood. My world was constantly spinning like a tornado, much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I felt as if I landed in some strange land and all I needed to do was find the right way to get back home. I never got back home but home became the library, more overly books became the way I reached some place that I could think of as home. School and the act of learning was definitely tempered with the feeling of being at home. Playing outside, communing with nature was a surefire way for me to know home and take comfort in my locale which in my mind was only temporary. Church never felt like home but the music was a carrier of information about home, a kind of whispering in the ear, a friendly and melodic reminder of the essence of my real home, the place where I belong, the destination of my soul and the whereabouts of a place where I fit in. Fitting in was never a feeling I got to experience growing up and it hasn't exactly come as in my adult life. Although there were many days when I lived in Washington, DC, thats when I felt this sense of belonging without judgment, I felt as if I had arrived to the place of my soul, a place where I was okay just the way I was and there were people who loved me just the way that I was without any need to change a single thing about me. I do recall feeling at home on the beach in California or Provincetown. The water has a tendency to speak to me but it is mostly the oceans. I love mermaids, the thought of living in water and coming to land every now and then. That's what life feels like to me, I live in the sea of my own uniqueness and I go out into the world every now and then.
I've decided to not give up on my pursuit of love for another human being. Said human is not exactly responding the way I would predict but there is something in me that doesn't want to give up, something in me that doesn't want to run and hide, something in me that says keep the faith and something in me that needs to fight or at least needs to keep options open without judgment or critique. There is something inside of me that wants to be better, more patient, more willing to take a chance on this individual, to pass along compassion and understanding and to present as pure love. Everything in me is holding out for something better and it may not work out but I'm one hundred percent sure that either way I am going to come out on the other side a much better person, I'm going to come out on the other side knowing love more profoundly and I am going to be alright. It's been a long time since I have wanted to give another human being besides my children all of me and it's been a while since I have wanted to simply accept another in all of their glory and non-glory. I'm not interested in changing people but I'm interested in showing for love, friendship and stillness. I want to enact these spiritual principles for real with a live person and experience the ectasy of being Godly, being all loving, being the peace, being in the moment. To watch something unfold without wanting to concoct or control or critique. To be in the midst of enfoldment of growth in self and the sharing of that oneness with God and another. It's not complicated, it's very simple, very in the moment.
To not give up on another is more of an act of not giving up on me. It is my way of honoring what is true to my spirit and allowing that truth to manifest in whatever form it is meant to take. It is also a chance for me to return to that place when I was a young girl, the carelessness I had when I loved someone, the openness of that love and the tripping an falling all over the love. Yeah, my heart my sing a sad love song but my heart gets to sing because my mind has been banging out some dreary monastery chant with miserable results and I'd prefer unabashed vulnerable love than this compartmentalized protective living plan I've been engaged in for the last too many years. I's rather fall on my face, be embarased, have another story of unrequited love than not. Living means just that, living. I can live life fully if I am constantly standing on the sidelines of love and relationships, I can't partner with someone when I'm in a one-seater and I definitely can't be in a relationship if I'm afraid to reveal who and what I am. I make a water toast to being junior highish about love, to bask in the innocence of loving another soul and to celebrate on the swing-set of life the ups and downs of getting to my soulmate. Or what I refer to as the soul I choose to mate with.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009 @ 9:25am
As God's beloved, I am here to remember and to reveal the perfection of the Divine that is within me. www.scienceofmind.com affirmation.
Sunday mornings are my favorite time of the week and the day when I feel the most expansive not necessarily in a spiritual way but in a physical way. The need to be doing something is completely eliminated on days like today, I commune with my body and spend time walking, stretching, assessing what the status of my physical body. A time of being in tune with my bones, joints, organs as well as many of inner and outer workings of my body. Today I am looking at my hands. I have big hands, more to hug someone with. They are manly almost if it weren't for the delicate fingernail beds and smooth skin. I have the hands of someone who didn't have to do much physical work but my hands are starting to age, wrinkle in places, slightly bulging blood vessels and spots of discoloration. I look at my fat fingers, long and my midle finger is crooked, this is something that was passed down to me from my mother. Her middle finger is this way and I believe either my sister or brother has this trait and perhaps one of my children. I was never a big ring wearer and in this moment I realize I have never received a ring from anyone. Rings were problematic for my long and fat fingers, finding a size 10 I think it is ring was like finding a needle in a hay stack, always impossible. Every now in then when I am at a store that is selling hematite rings I try to find my size and it's usually in the basket for men or extra-large sizes. I used to have my high school ring, my mother kept it but knowing the consequences of my brothers drug addiction, I'm sure that ring has been long pawned off to someone or someplace for drugs, I dare not ask my mother for fear of knowing this to be true and how disheartening it would be.
I'm prompted to look for some rings, lane bryant and the avenue stores, clothing stores for full figured women have a selection of jewlery but I never tend to veer to that part of the store and look. Also, I like the funky big rings with large precious stones or something colorful and dramatic. I used to get my nails did, french tips but long nails get in the way of me doing the things I find myself doing. It did make my hands look nice but it seemed like a waste of money and for some reason it never lasted. On the inside of my palm are long thick lines, very similar in look for each hand but one hand has a really pronounced break in one of the lines. They say these lines are predictions of your life path, I've heard that the break is an indication of major changes in my life and someone told me it meant death at a young age but since I was prepared to die young and didn't, I can throw that theory out of the wall. The truth is there were many days I wanted to die and was attempting to find a means but in the end I choose life.
I hate to admit this but my hands are extremely ashy this morning, I washed my hair yesterday and never put any lotion on them. Mostly because I spent the better part of the day re-twisting my hair and it took over four hours just to get it twisted. Another one to two hours to wash and condition the hair and the night before it took nearly two hours to take the twist down and comb through the bushel of dirt and tangles. This hair thing is a day long adventure but what better way to spend valentine's than making oneself look good for their future valentines.
I put it into the universe this small statement of what I am accepting as fact. For the rest of my days on the earth, I will have someone special in my life, a long term intimate partnership and this person will be my valentine. That is to say, I will spend every valentine's day starting in 2010 and until my departure back into the spirit realm, I will spend that day with my soul mate, the soul I choose to mate with. What a wonderful gift to myself, I deserve it and so it is.
These hands are actually my fathers hands, when I met him this one of the first things I noticed about him and the first thing that indicated that he was really my father. It's in the bone structure, length of the fingers, the girth of the hands and the way knuckles are made as well as the strong pronounced lines in the palm. I suspect that these are also my paternal grandmothers hands, I think I heard somewhere vaguely that she was a tall woman of pronounced stature, meaning she was big boned like me. I sometimes wish I knew more than this recollection of information that I am unsure if it is fact or fiction. I would love to see pictures of her and learn about her life, her love of a man and the subsequent birth of my father. What kind of man doesn't want to share his mother with the world? Maybe I will search for her myself, I'm certain that she is not alive or so I think but someone out there must still know her or remember her or there has to be some pictures somewhere. I think my father said that he was an only child and that his parents were only children. This information is pulled from somewhere and could be completely untrue. I do think that my father is an only child but he could of lied about this.
Hands hold history, they tell stories of lives lived. They are reminders of appendages that are most seen and felt and utilized. Sometimes they give away many details of a life and sometimes they hide the horror of living but either way they are what we take for granted. I look at scars and can't recall their origination or how severe or how they healed. I embrace my hands and I am determined to use them often in my partnership with my beloved. I am using them to hug more, I am using them to touch more, I am using them to till the soil, I am using them to massage the body, I am using them more as a device to bring about peace, I am using them to wave, I am using them to tap on guitar strings, to write the stories I was meant to write, to paint, to color, to tap on computer keyboards, to wear rings, to dig in my nose, to scratch those itches, to praise God, to clap, to play the tambourine, to wash clothes, to clean dishes, to fold clothes, to vacuum, to turn switches, nobs, buttons, to pray and I promise to take care of my hands, clean the nails, push back the cuticles and keep them moisturized with lotion.
The phalanges have begifted me a good life. Have withstood lots of neglect and abuse but they keep on, keeping on. What is most true is that my hands reflect strength, a physical strength but also a spiritual strength and for that I am grateful. My nails tend to grow but I bite them or tear them off in a fit of nervousness and it amazes me when I look down at my hands again, to see the new nail growing long and stronger before. I've been blessed to not have issues with my hands, they have cooperated with me and have been good at both large motor and fine motor skill functions. As big as my fingers are, they can dig things out of small places. Lastly, my middle finger is the largest and have served many purposes including the salutory purpose of flicking someone off in a not so nice way. I have sometimes wondered if my middle finger was made just for the 'fuck you' signature pose. With such a big finger, long, pronounced and dark you can't help but get the message, there is no denying what I am trying to say when I allow this middle finger to take center stage alone. I haven't used this finger in this way in a long time and I was never really a fan of the middle finger expression, I was never really a fan of any expression that degrades people. I rather use my whole hand to provide others with a healing and loving touch. I'm super affection and enjoy rubbing, touching and massaging the body. My son always gets tired of me rubbing my hands through his hair although he never pushes my hand away, I know he secretly loves this. My daughter loves to sit on my lap even as she is now at age where she can legally drink, she likes when I rub my hands on her back. And my other son just likes for me to touch him in any way that shows affection, he is a hugger. I think he just likes the sense of protection that comes when I put my arm around him or on his back or on his shoulder or against the side of his face or on his bald head.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
Sunday mornings are my favorite time of the week and the day when I feel the most expansive not necessarily in a spiritual way but in a physical way. The need to be doing something is completely eliminated on days like today, I commune with my body and spend time walking, stretching, assessing what the status of my physical body. A time of being in tune with my bones, joints, organs as well as many of inner and outer workings of my body. Today I am looking at my hands. I have big hands, more to hug someone with. They are manly almost if it weren't for the delicate fingernail beds and smooth skin. I have the hands of someone who didn't have to do much physical work but my hands are starting to age, wrinkle in places, slightly bulging blood vessels and spots of discoloration. I look at my fat fingers, long and my midle finger is crooked, this is something that was passed down to me from my mother. Her middle finger is this way and I believe either my sister or brother has this trait and perhaps one of my children. I was never a big ring wearer and in this moment I realize I have never received a ring from anyone. Rings were problematic for my long and fat fingers, finding a size 10 I think it is ring was like finding a needle in a hay stack, always impossible. Every now in then when I am at a store that is selling hematite rings I try to find my size and it's usually in the basket for men or extra-large sizes. I used to have my high school ring, my mother kept it but knowing the consequences of my brothers drug addiction, I'm sure that ring has been long pawned off to someone or someplace for drugs, I dare not ask my mother for fear of knowing this to be true and how disheartening it would be.
I'm prompted to look for some rings, lane bryant and the avenue stores, clothing stores for full figured women have a selection of jewlery but I never tend to veer to that part of the store and look. Also, I like the funky big rings with large precious stones or something colorful and dramatic. I used to get my nails did, french tips but long nails get in the way of me doing the things I find myself doing. It did make my hands look nice but it seemed like a waste of money and for some reason it never lasted. On the inside of my palm are long thick lines, very similar in look for each hand but one hand has a really pronounced break in one of the lines. They say these lines are predictions of your life path, I've heard that the break is an indication of major changes in my life and someone told me it meant death at a young age but since I was prepared to die young and didn't, I can throw that theory out of the wall. The truth is there were many days I wanted to die and was attempting to find a means but in the end I choose life.
I hate to admit this but my hands are extremely ashy this morning, I washed my hair yesterday and never put any lotion on them. Mostly because I spent the better part of the day re-twisting my hair and it took over four hours just to get it twisted. Another one to two hours to wash and condition the hair and the night before it took nearly two hours to take the twist down and comb through the bushel of dirt and tangles. This hair thing is a day long adventure but what better way to spend valentine's than making oneself look good for their future valentines.
I put it into the universe this small statement of what I am accepting as fact. For the rest of my days on the earth, I will have someone special in my life, a long term intimate partnership and this person will be my valentine. That is to say, I will spend every valentine's day starting in 2010 and until my departure back into the spirit realm, I will spend that day with my soul mate, the soul I choose to mate with. What a wonderful gift to myself, I deserve it and so it is.
These hands are actually my fathers hands, when I met him this one of the first things I noticed about him and the first thing that indicated that he was really my father. It's in the bone structure, length of the fingers, the girth of the hands and the way knuckles are made as well as the strong pronounced lines in the palm. I suspect that these are also my paternal grandmothers hands, I think I heard somewhere vaguely that she was a tall woman of pronounced stature, meaning she was big boned like me. I sometimes wish I knew more than this recollection of information that I am unsure if it is fact or fiction. I would love to see pictures of her and learn about her life, her love of a man and the subsequent birth of my father. What kind of man doesn't want to share his mother with the world? Maybe I will search for her myself, I'm certain that she is not alive or so I think but someone out there must still know her or remember her or there has to be some pictures somewhere. I think my father said that he was an only child and that his parents were only children. This information is pulled from somewhere and could be completely untrue. I do think that my father is an only child but he could of lied about this.
Hands hold history, they tell stories of lives lived. They are reminders of appendages that are most seen and felt and utilized. Sometimes they give away many details of a life and sometimes they hide the horror of living but either way they are what we take for granted. I look at scars and can't recall their origination or how severe or how they healed. I embrace my hands and I am determined to use them often in my partnership with my beloved. I am using them to hug more, I am using them to touch more, I am using them to till the soil, I am using them to massage the body, I am using them more as a device to bring about peace, I am using them to wave, I am using them to tap on guitar strings, to write the stories I was meant to write, to paint, to color, to tap on computer keyboards, to wear rings, to dig in my nose, to scratch those itches, to praise God, to clap, to play the tambourine, to wash clothes, to clean dishes, to fold clothes, to vacuum, to turn switches, nobs, buttons, to pray and I promise to take care of my hands, clean the nails, push back the cuticles and keep them moisturized with lotion.
The phalanges have begifted me a good life. Have withstood lots of neglect and abuse but they keep on, keeping on. What is most true is that my hands reflect strength, a physical strength but also a spiritual strength and for that I am grateful. My nails tend to grow but I bite them or tear them off in a fit of nervousness and it amazes me when I look down at my hands again, to see the new nail growing long and stronger before. I've been blessed to not have issues with my hands, they have cooperated with me and have been good at both large motor and fine motor skill functions. As big as my fingers are, they can dig things out of small places. Lastly, my middle finger is the largest and have served many purposes including the salutory purpose of flicking someone off in a not so nice way. I have sometimes wondered if my middle finger was made just for the 'fuck you' signature pose. With such a big finger, long, pronounced and dark you can't help but get the message, there is no denying what I am trying to say when I allow this middle finger to take center stage alone. I haven't used this finger in this way in a long time and I was never really a fan of the middle finger expression, I was never really a fan of any expression that degrades people. I rather use my whole hand to provide others with a healing and loving touch. I'm super affection and enjoy rubbing, touching and massaging the body. My son always gets tired of me rubbing my hands through his hair although he never pushes my hand away, I know he secretly loves this. My daughter loves to sit on my lap even as she is now at age where she can legally drink, she likes when I rub my hands on her back. And my other son just likes for me to touch him in any way that shows affection, he is a hugger. I think he just likes the sense of protection that comes when I put my arm around him or on his back or on his shoulder or against the side of his face or on his bald head.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
2009 Valentine's Day
Happy, Happy Valentine's Day to me. Today I will be my own valentine and I am throughly enjoying my valentine treat, these chocolate covered strawberries are amazing. My little sister surprised me with a belated birthday slash v-day edible arrangement and it's delicious. I'm enjoying the fruit as well. And I've already received some valentine greetings, so I feel love but most importantly I love myself.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: As God's beloved Valentine, I joyfully accept the love, riches, and blessings of the greatest of lovers! This affirmation is the ultimate in affirmations because it is a gently reminder that sometimes what we are looking for is right in on the inside. It's amazing that we spend our entire lives searching for love outside ourselves when the greatest love of all is available to us at any given moment. I've also come to understand that when we're unable to tap into that internal supply, this makes us unable to externally supply love as well as unable to receive love from external sources. If I've got this right, the need for external love becomes obsolete, it's not that it can't and won't happen but we are not dependent on it because the greatest love comes from within. External love is like icing on the cake or the little sprinkles and that's not to suggest it's unimportance or that it is of lesser value. From what I understand it is an enhancer, a three dimensional presentation or manifestation of love and critical in the journey of being a human.
I'm getting this feeling in the moment that what self love will do is help one to focus more acutely on the love that they are receiving from others and allowing that love to grow. It's like that old saying misery loves company, when you don't love yourself or you're not happy, you tend to focus on the negative, you tend to see what others aren't doing for you or how imperfect they are. What will do is give you some reprieve and the chance to see past the mistakes of others because you know you've been there, you know you've made those same mistakes or similar ones, you know the space where those actions of unlove come from, you know that in the midst of acting in an unloving ways what we all want most is to be accepted unconditionally and we want to be love. What we want is for our lovers to see the God in us and bring us back to that basic understanding, that basic moment of perfection. What I most want when I am being ugly, evil, uncentered or vulnerable, what I want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be alright or not tell me anything but hold me until the pain subsides.
I commit to being a hugger today, to hug my kid's more and to hug my family and to hug my co-workers and to hug those people that I know and to be a silent presence in that instead of offering advice or resolutions that I allow others to simply vent, to simply say what's on their mind. I commit to being a listener. This is the best valentine's day ever, to be in a space of willingness to be a hugger and listener is pretty awesome and I feel as if my life is on purpose, as I have been brought to the ultimate purpose of my life.
I feel so loved today and I don't have my own specific valentine but I get the feeling that my valentine is present and awaiting. The best thing I can do is prepare for their arrival, prepare myself to be the love that I want. To be in the blissful moments of unconditional love between two people and to receive that divinity as the blessing that I deserve. Every day is valentine's day and everyday is a day to step up to love. To let the only thing that matters be the guiding force of our lives and everything we do and in everything we thinking and in all the ways we have our being. Thank you oh wonderful creator for such a thoughtful gift of expression as love, thank you for loves healing power, is comforting presence and it radiating force. I'm in love with myself but unlike the way I used to know falling in love, this type of love you don't fall out of, you just go deeper and deeper and deeper into the light of love. May I become all encompassing of love and be exactly what God created me for. What a joyous and what contentment that comes when you nestle into the spirit of perfect love.
I am perfect and I am complete and I am whole. I LOVE ME.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: As God's beloved Valentine, I joyfully accept the love, riches, and blessings of the greatest of lovers! This affirmation is the ultimate in affirmations because it is a gently reminder that sometimes what we are looking for is right in on the inside. It's amazing that we spend our entire lives searching for love outside ourselves when the greatest love of all is available to us at any given moment. I've also come to understand that when we're unable to tap into that internal supply, this makes us unable to externally supply love as well as unable to receive love from external sources. If I've got this right, the need for external love becomes obsolete, it's not that it can't and won't happen but we are not dependent on it because the greatest love comes from within. External love is like icing on the cake or the little sprinkles and that's not to suggest it's unimportance or that it is of lesser value. From what I understand it is an enhancer, a three dimensional presentation or manifestation of love and critical in the journey of being a human.
I'm getting this feeling in the moment that what self love will do is help one to focus more acutely on the love that they are receiving from others and allowing that love to grow. It's like that old saying misery loves company, when you don't love yourself or you're not happy, you tend to focus on the negative, you tend to see what others aren't doing for you or how imperfect they are. What will do is give you some reprieve and the chance to see past the mistakes of others because you know you've been there, you know you've made those same mistakes or similar ones, you know the space where those actions of unlove come from, you know that in the midst of acting in an unloving ways what we all want most is to be accepted unconditionally and we want to be love. What we want is for our lovers to see the God in us and bring us back to that basic understanding, that basic moment of perfection. What I most want when I am being ugly, evil, uncentered or vulnerable, what I want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be alright or not tell me anything but hold me until the pain subsides.
I commit to being a hugger today, to hug my kid's more and to hug my family and to hug my co-workers and to hug those people that I know and to be a silent presence in that instead of offering advice or resolutions that I allow others to simply vent, to simply say what's on their mind. I commit to being a listener. This is the best valentine's day ever, to be in a space of willingness to be a hugger and listener is pretty awesome and I feel as if my life is on purpose, as I have been brought to the ultimate purpose of my life.
I feel so loved today and I don't have my own specific valentine but I get the feeling that my valentine is present and awaiting. The best thing I can do is prepare for their arrival, prepare myself to be the love that I want. To be in the blissful moments of unconditional love between two people and to receive that divinity as the blessing that I deserve. Every day is valentine's day and everyday is a day to step up to love. To let the only thing that matters be the guiding force of our lives and everything we do and in everything we thinking and in all the ways we have our being. Thank you oh wonderful creator for such a thoughtful gift of expression as love, thank you for loves healing power, is comforting presence and it radiating force. I'm in love with myself but unlike the way I used to know falling in love, this type of love you don't fall out of, you just go deeper and deeper and deeper into the light of love. May I become all encompassing of love and be exactly what God created me for. What a joyous and what contentment that comes when you nestle into the spirit of perfect love.
I am perfect and I am complete and I am whole. I LOVE ME.
Friday, February 13, 2009
February 13, 2009 @ 6:28am
Good morning life and what a good life it is. Today is the infamous Friday, that day of the week that everyone looks forward to and yet for me it seems no different on Friday than any other day during the week or on the weekend. In learning to find the joy and peace in each moment of my life, days are simply days but more so, they are wonderful days irrespective of where the day is positioned on the calendar. It feels a bit timeless and things blend into one or blend into an infinite space where there either is no time or time stands still.
I've got my mind back on the four agreements and I was watching on you tube an interview with Barack Obama and he taught me something really pretty spectacularly amazing. He spoke about assumptions. More specifically he was referring to his initial reaction to starting the war in Iraq, he was totally against it but then over time he was persuaded like most members of congress to sign off on the war, probably for political reasons and at the time we can't really blame him but that would be a whole other discussion for me to expound upon this action. Nevertheless, when he was campaigning he had to continuously remind people of this fact, this information about his initial stance against the war, he said he had ot say it over and over and over again because he couldn't make the assumption that the people would know.
There is this agreement that speaks to not making assumptions and I had always internalized this assumption from a vantage point of not making assumptions about other people or the behaviors of other people or the beliefs of other people or my initial interpretations of other people. What I had failed to understand is that there will be people, many of whom who will make assumptions about me or have assumptions of who I am and what I am about. I can if I so choose and especially if it si important enough to me to dispel those assumptions by verbalizing my true reality, by stating what is the facts according to Charlotte and if I need to repeat these things over and over and over again, so be it. I used to think that sticking up for myself was a waste of time but I think it's not about trying to convince, it's about having my say for me. In honoring me, I can have a voice and I don't need to assume that just because I spoke out that anything is going to change, that assumptions are going to change but it's more about being my own voice and not allowing my assumptions nor the assumptions of others to silence me.
What drove this understanding home for me is that Obama said, he had to repeat information over and over and over again. What he was really saying is that not only was he not assuming people knew, he was no assuming that the media was reporting what he said and he was assuming that people were making it there business to report this information to one another. I think that I have often felt that if I told one person then I have told everyone and the fact is that hasn't been the case. I made an assumption because I didn't want to be impeccable with my words (another agreement) in every situation. There is something to be said when one comes out of the closet of fear and present themselves to the world. I love this space of self love because you come to know that acts of self empowerment are not meant to shift others, the act of self empowerment is to shift the self. And what happens in the moment is what is important for me and I can't spend time worrying about what others are thinking or saying.
I feel this desire to become a bit more politically active, to give a voice to the changes I think the world needs in this time of human growth of consciousness.
Assumptions have been my main stay, it has been the box from which I have engaged the way I live my life, it has been my sword and shield or so I thought. It has been the way my mind controlled each and every one of my steps. I recognize in this moment, assumptions can't have that power over me, it hasn't work and won't work now. Now more than ever it is time for me to be me, move and have my being just as I am without apology or regret.
I thought about if someone asked me about my past, if I had any regrets or if I had a chance would I do some things all over again. I think about this question, I ponder it deeply and with all of my mind, body and soul. The answer is a resounding NO. NO I do not regret anything in my life even those things I knew were dead wrong and negative. NO I do not wish to do anything all over again even though I know if I did things could be different. I say NO because in my heart of hearts I believe that everything that has happened has led me to this place where I am right now. Right now I really like Charlotte and I really enjoy the person I have become and it feels good to be in place where I love myself. I don't think I could of gotten here with any other path, although I would like to think that I could of, I know instinctively that the truth is this, my journey to self love was the life I lived up until this point and the journey isn't over. I really like me, I enjoy who I am, it is wonderful to look in the mirror and like what I see. It is utterly amazing to feel the power and presence of the holy spirit inside of me and it's awesome to be entrenched from the inside to the outside in the magnificence of love. Why in the world would I regret that? Why in the world would I want to do things differently?
I make no assumptions, I neither project assumptions nor do I receive assumptions and what I endeavor to do is to be present in the moment and live my truth. I can't tell you how much that small lesson in assumption meant to me, how much spiritual enlightenment I found from our current president, from a black man, from a politician. That's the beauty of assumption, you can't assume where you are going to get your lessons, where you are going to get the information to live a wonderful life, you never know where it might come from. And you can never know what you might say to help others along on there journey. It feels spectacular to be alive, to be open to consciousness, to be receptive of the divine and to know on the inside loves grandest splendor.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind. com: As God's beloved, I know that in every moment of my life I am never alone. In sickness and in health, my lover's greatest pleasure is to love me. This is a beautiful affirmation, very intense and comforting.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
I've got my mind back on the four agreements and I was watching on you tube an interview with Barack Obama and he taught me something really pretty spectacularly amazing. He spoke about assumptions. More specifically he was referring to his initial reaction to starting the war in Iraq, he was totally against it but then over time he was persuaded like most members of congress to sign off on the war, probably for political reasons and at the time we can't really blame him but that would be a whole other discussion for me to expound upon this action. Nevertheless, when he was campaigning he had to continuously remind people of this fact, this information about his initial stance against the war, he said he had ot say it over and over and over again because he couldn't make the assumption that the people would know.
There is this agreement that speaks to not making assumptions and I had always internalized this assumption from a vantage point of not making assumptions about other people or the behaviors of other people or the beliefs of other people or my initial interpretations of other people. What I had failed to understand is that there will be people, many of whom who will make assumptions about me or have assumptions of who I am and what I am about. I can if I so choose and especially if it si important enough to me to dispel those assumptions by verbalizing my true reality, by stating what is the facts according to Charlotte and if I need to repeat these things over and over and over again, so be it. I used to think that sticking up for myself was a waste of time but I think it's not about trying to convince, it's about having my say for me. In honoring me, I can have a voice and I don't need to assume that just because I spoke out that anything is going to change, that assumptions are going to change but it's more about being my own voice and not allowing my assumptions nor the assumptions of others to silence me.
What drove this understanding home for me is that Obama said, he had to repeat information over and over and over again. What he was really saying is that not only was he not assuming people knew, he was no assuming that the media was reporting what he said and he was assuming that people were making it there business to report this information to one another. I think that I have often felt that if I told one person then I have told everyone and the fact is that hasn't been the case. I made an assumption because I didn't want to be impeccable with my words (another agreement) in every situation. There is something to be said when one comes out of the closet of fear and present themselves to the world. I love this space of self love because you come to know that acts of self empowerment are not meant to shift others, the act of self empowerment is to shift the self. And what happens in the moment is what is important for me and I can't spend time worrying about what others are thinking or saying.
I feel this desire to become a bit more politically active, to give a voice to the changes I think the world needs in this time of human growth of consciousness.
Assumptions have been my main stay, it has been the box from which I have engaged the way I live my life, it has been my sword and shield or so I thought. It has been the way my mind controlled each and every one of my steps. I recognize in this moment, assumptions can't have that power over me, it hasn't work and won't work now. Now more than ever it is time for me to be me, move and have my being just as I am without apology or regret.
I thought about if someone asked me about my past, if I had any regrets or if I had a chance would I do some things all over again. I think about this question, I ponder it deeply and with all of my mind, body and soul. The answer is a resounding NO. NO I do not regret anything in my life even those things I knew were dead wrong and negative. NO I do not wish to do anything all over again even though I know if I did things could be different. I say NO because in my heart of hearts I believe that everything that has happened has led me to this place where I am right now. Right now I really like Charlotte and I really enjoy the person I have become and it feels good to be in place where I love myself. I don't think I could of gotten here with any other path, although I would like to think that I could of, I know instinctively that the truth is this, my journey to self love was the life I lived up until this point and the journey isn't over. I really like me, I enjoy who I am, it is wonderful to look in the mirror and like what I see. It is utterly amazing to feel the power and presence of the holy spirit inside of me and it's awesome to be entrenched from the inside to the outside in the magnificence of love. Why in the world would I regret that? Why in the world would I want to do things differently?
I make no assumptions, I neither project assumptions nor do I receive assumptions and what I endeavor to do is to be present in the moment and live my truth. I can't tell you how much that small lesson in assumption meant to me, how much spiritual enlightenment I found from our current president, from a black man, from a politician. That's the beauty of assumption, you can't assume where you are going to get your lessons, where you are going to get the information to live a wonderful life, you never know where it might come from. And you can never know what you might say to help others along on there journey. It feels spectacular to be alive, to be open to consciousness, to be receptive of the divine and to know on the inside loves grandest splendor.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind. com: As God's beloved, I know that in every moment of my life I am never alone. In sickness and in health, my lover's greatest pleasure is to love me. This is a beautiful affirmation, very intense and comforting.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
February 12, 2009 @ 6:10am
As God's beloved, I know it is possible for all of humanity to live in harmony. Our God is the same God, yesterday, today, and forever, and we all have the privilege of accepting our lover's invitation to love (affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com).
World peace is the theme of today's affirmation. I don't watch the news that much because it's so hard to see all the depressing stuff that happens but what I have been able to witness is a sharp decline in the violence around the world. This decrease in the need for people to fight against one another has to be sign that human beings can get along. Also, the passing of the bailout was an indication of politicians getting along or at least trying to give something to the American people and not playing unnecessary partisan games.
This invitation to love is powerful and all encompassing but why as a people we don't want the simplicity of doing what is right or what is good for us. In our search for satisfaction or what we feel is satisfaction, the underlying desire has to be rooted in love for this is where we know that peace and joy resides. There is something that Iyanla Vanzant once said, it would only take a few words to provide a person with the answers for a good life but because we have this brain that we are dead set on using, we have this need for things to be more complicated, so she said that is why she has to write book after book after book after book.
What is it about love that has me jockeying for the attention of people who have no inclination towards love? And why do I waste my time when the writing is on the wall when I first meet people? And what is it in me that feels the need to ressurect love in others while neglecting my own self love? I wonder sometimes if it is easier to not search to not try to not do much of anything because it seems the less I do, the more the universe brings forth. The more I tend to the now, the more enriched my life feels and less dependent I am on the action of others, the more peace I feel. Maybe love is not an invitation but a settling back into our true selves.
With each day I feel this amazing draw towards nature and I can't wait until spring comes so I can garden, so I can eat a piece of fruit or vegetable that I cultivate over time. I'm excited about putting my hands in the dirt, digging, pulling weeds and sweating. I love being out in the sun, I love to look at different colors of food growing, sprouting and coming into being. It's all matter. This agrarian side of me is definitely from my parents, both of whom had connection to the south and lived in country environs. I miss the days when we went down south in the summer, of course I hated it back then but now I look back with nostalgia and realized I missed out but there are memories that stick with me. I loved swinging on the porch, this was my favorite activity and I often say to myself when I buy a house I want a swing on the porch. i want to look up at the moon or just listen to the sounds of the night.
It's funny how scared I've been of night but only inside of houses and not when I was outside or when I went camping. Night time outdoors was never scary, in fact it was comforting and I loved it. It's the quiet, it's the irregular noises, scents and energy pulsations. The night has a different mood, a yearning of similarity. It's that same yearning we have during the day but is found naturally at night. The truth is the more and more and more I think about it, I just want to live simply, with simple tasks and simple things. The hustle and bustle of every day life feels unattractive to me. I used to chase it like a intelligent roach, hoping to beat it but never did. I want to have time to remember to tell my children that I love them everyday and not when I discover time or realize it's been a while. I want to hug people more, I want to sit and listen. I want to feel the changes my body is under going because it's changing every day. I want to befriend the sun, trees, animals, air, neighbors, plants and all there is.
Maybe life is about an invitation but not the kind that comes from outside ourselves, maybe love is simply an invitation to return to the self, the true self, the innocent self, the child self, the newborn self, the self of our youth, the confident self, the free spirited self, the easy going self, the adventurous self, the wild self, the dancing self, the singing self, the creative self, the laughing self, the watermelon eating self, the kool-aid drinking self, the self of the self, the honest self, the peaceful self, the joy filled self, the harmonious self or just the self. This newfound freedom and joy incites me to recall all that has brought a smile to my face. Those moments when nothing else mattered, those moments when I could care less about what was going on in the world, those moments when life was lived with vitality, the moments of shear bliss.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
World peace is the theme of today's affirmation. I don't watch the news that much because it's so hard to see all the depressing stuff that happens but what I have been able to witness is a sharp decline in the violence around the world. This decrease in the need for people to fight against one another has to be sign that human beings can get along. Also, the passing of the bailout was an indication of politicians getting along or at least trying to give something to the American people and not playing unnecessary partisan games.
This invitation to love is powerful and all encompassing but why as a people we don't want the simplicity of doing what is right or what is good for us. In our search for satisfaction or what we feel is satisfaction, the underlying desire has to be rooted in love for this is where we know that peace and joy resides. There is something that Iyanla Vanzant once said, it would only take a few words to provide a person with the answers for a good life but because we have this brain that we are dead set on using, we have this need for things to be more complicated, so she said that is why she has to write book after book after book after book.
What is it about love that has me jockeying for the attention of people who have no inclination towards love? And why do I waste my time when the writing is on the wall when I first meet people? And what is it in me that feels the need to ressurect love in others while neglecting my own self love? I wonder sometimes if it is easier to not search to not try to not do much of anything because it seems the less I do, the more the universe brings forth. The more I tend to the now, the more enriched my life feels and less dependent I am on the action of others, the more peace I feel. Maybe love is not an invitation but a settling back into our true selves.
With each day I feel this amazing draw towards nature and I can't wait until spring comes so I can garden, so I can eat a piece of fruit or vegetable that I cultivate over time. I'm excited about putting my hands in the dirt, digging, pulling weeds and sweating. I love being out in the sun, I love to look at different colors of food growing, sprouting and coming into being. It's all matter. This agrarian side of me is definitely from my parents, both of whom had connection to the south and lived in country environs. I miss the days when we went down south in the summer, of course I hated it back then but now I look back with nostalgia and realized I missed out but there are memories that stick with me. I loved swinging on the porch, this was my favorite activity and I often say to myself when I buy a house I want a swing on the porch. i want to look up at the moon or just listen to the sounds of the night.
It's funny how scared I've been of night but only inside of houses and not when I was outside or when I went camping. Night time outdoors was never scary, in fact it was comforting and I loved it. It's the quiet, it's the irregular noises, scents and energy pulsations. The night has a different mood, a yearning of similarity. It's that same yearning we have during the day but is found naturally at night. The truth is the more and more and more I think about it, I just want to live simply, with simple tasks and simple things. The hustle and bustle of every day life feels unattractive to me. I used to chase it like a intelligent roach, hoping to beat it but never did. I want to have time to remember to tell my children that I love them everyday and not when I discover time or realize it's been a while. I want to hug people more, I want to sit and listen. I want to feel the changes my body is under going because it's changing every day. I want to befriend the sun, trees, animals, air, neighbors, plants and all there is.
Maybe life is about an invitation but not the kind that comes from outside ourselves, maybe love is simply an invitation to return to the self, the true self, the innocent self, the child self, the newborn self, the self of our youth, the confident self, the free spirited self, the easy going self, the adventurous self, the wild self, the dancing self, the singing self, the creative self, the laughing self, the watermelon eating self, the kool-aid drinking self, the self of the self, the honest self, the peaceful self, the joy filled self, the harmonious self or just the self. This newfound freedom and joy incites me to recall all that has brought a smile to my face. Those moments when nothing else mattered, those moments when I could care less about what was going on in the world, those moments when life was lived with vitality, the moments of shear bliss.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
February 11, 2009 @ 8:15am
As God’s beloved, I am deeply comforted in knowing we can never be apart. If I find myself feeling poverty in any area of my experience, I use this condition to rush back to God’s arms (www.scienceofmind.com).
Good Morning Life, Happy Wednesday and I feel fabulous. I had a good cry last night, it was extremely cathartic, it was a releasing of old pain and suffering. I've been really getting this current of energy that suggest that my life is changing for the good. I cried last night realizing that as happy as I am about the positive changes going on all around me, through me, in me and over me, I'm grieving the old, the old ways, the old events, the things that I thought had victory over my life. Instead what I know is that I have victory over my life, I have a sense of well being that I couldn't imagine not even for a moment. I grieved at the moments when I gave up on myself, when I let others determine who I was or the ways in which I allowed the external search for meaning, self value & worth block me from getting out of life what I rightfully deserved. It also became clear to me that a whole lot of stuff had happened over the years and what I failed then but don't do anymore is stick up for myself. I never did stick up for myself, I never did say I deserve better, I deserve more, I deserve to be treated with respect, I deserve compassion, I deserve love and I deserve to be me. I grieved those moments when I gave up on myself but how can you fight for yourself when you don't love yourself. I released the anger I had with others who violated me, who disrespected me, who didn't stick up for me, who didn't believe in me, who couldn't see my potential, who blamed me, who betrayed me and who for whatever reason treat me with the basic dignity that I deserve. But more than anything I grieved the part of me that didn't know better and I forgave myself for the mistakes I made. I was only doing the best I knew how to, I was only acting in a way that I understood. I look back and realize it is a shear miracle that I'm here, a miracle that I'm in a space of spiritual understanding, a place of new emotional growth, a place of loving myself for real and not just in meaningless words.
The pain was heavy, the feeling were dug from deep inside, I hadn't cried like that in a long time, I hadn't known that I needed to shed the tears, I wasn't aware of the amount of pain I had been carrying. Like a baby I balled my eyes out, double over the side of the bed I let tears flow, I released all suffering and I ushered through a stream of consciousness that replayed every moment of sorrow I had ever experienced in my life. It felt more like I was vomiting emotions, spitting them out and throwing them as far away from me as possible. I thought the rush of emotions would take hold of me and never let go but then just like all the other times, the sweet hand of the holy spirit surrounded my spirit with an energy of love and affection. I knew that I would be alright, I knew that my life would only change or the better. I suspect that whoever's back I was riding in my dream the night before, that person was God. The infinite divine energy had carried me through it all, God had held my hand and kept me from hurt, harm and danger. I kept thinking about that person in my dream the night before, whose back was I riding and why couldn't I see their face.
My eyes are puffy, nothing a little visine can't fix, my body is light and my mind is clear. It's a moment of awakening. I'm humbled, I'm brought into the moment with a clear sense of direction. I'm poised and ready for whatever may come. I am alright, I am actualizing my fullest potential and I am surrendering to all the goodness that spirit has for me. And for once in my life, I trust myself, I trust the energy of my spirit. I know what I want and I know what is right for me. I won't settle for what doesn't fit, there is no taking whatever, there is a knowing that what is rightfully mine shall be. I got this. It's taken four years to really, really heal from my past, I knew the journey was going to be long and I had no clear timetable but all feels like it's in divine order. There is no time but the moment, there is nothing more important than the feeling of being healed. I'm certain there is other work to be done but I'm just as certain that I am well on my way.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am compete. I LOVE ME!!!!
Good Morning Life, Happy Wednesday and I feel fabulous. I had a good cry last night, it was extremely cathartic, it was a releasing of old pain and suffering. I've been really getting this current of energy that suggest that my life is changing for the good. I cried last night realizing that as happy as I am about the positive changes going on all around me, through me, in me and over me, I'm grieving the old, the old ways, the old events, the things that I thought had victory over my life. Instead what I know is that I have victory over my life, I have a sense of well being that I couldn't imagine not even for a moment. I grieved at the moments when I gave up on myself, when I let others determine who I was or the ways in which I allowed the external search for meaning, self value & worth block me from getting out of life what I rightfully deserved. It also became clear to me that a whole lot of stuff had happened over the years and what I failed then but don't do anymore is stick up for myself. I never did stick up for myself, I never did say I deserve better, I deserve more, I deserve to be treated with respect, I deserve compassion, I deserve love and I deserve to be me. I grieved those moments when I gave up on myself but how can you fight for yourself when you don't love yourself. I released the anger I had with others who violated me, who disrespected me, who didn't stick up for me, who didn't believe in me, who couldn't see my potential, who blamed me, who betrayed me and who for whatever reason treat me with the basic dignity that I deserve. But more than anything I grieved the part of me that didn't know better and I forgave myself for the mistakes I made. I was only doing the best I knew how to, I was only acting in a way that I understood. I look back and realize it is a shear miracle that I'm here, a miracle that I'm in a space of spiritual understanding, a place of new emotional growth, a place of loving myself for real and not just in meaningless words.
The pain was heavy, the feeling were dug from deep inside, I hadn't cried like that in a long time, I hadn't known that I needed to shed the tears, I wasn't aware of the amount of pain I had been carrying. Like a baby I balled my eyes out, double over the side of the bed I let tears flow, I released all suffering and I ushered through a stream of consciousness that replayed every moment of sorrow I had ever experienced in my life. It felt more like I was vomiting emotions, spitting them out and throwing them as far away from me as possible. I thought the rush of emotions would take hold of me and never let go but then just like all the other times, the sweet hand of the holy spirit surrounded my spirit with an energy of love and affection. I knew that I would be alright, I knew that my life would only change or the better. I suspect that whoever's back I was riding in my dream the night before, that person was God. The infinite divine energy had carried me through it all, God had held my hand and kept me from hurt, harm and danger. I kept thinking about that person in my dream the night before, whose back was I riding and why couldn't I see their face.
My eyes are puffy, nothing a little visine can't fix, my body is light and my mind is clear. It's a moment of awakening. I'm humbled, I'm brought into the moment with a clear sense of direction. I'm poised and ready for whatever may come. I am alright, I am actualizing my fullest potential and I am surrendering to all the goodness that spirit has for me. And for once in my life, I trust myself, I trust the energy of my spirit. I know what I want and I know what is right for me. I won't settle for what doesn't fit, there is no taking whatever, there is a knowing that what is rightfully mine shall be. I got this. It's taken four years to really, really heal from my past, I knew the journey was going to be long and I had no clear timetable but all feels like it's in divine order. There is no time but the moment, there is nothing more important than the feeling of being healed. I'm certain there is other work to be done but I'm just as certain that I am well on my way.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am compete. I LOVE ME!!!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
February 10, 2009 @ 7:37am
Good Morning Life and it's a wonderfully beautiful day. The fog is heavy as cream but the air is thick with moisture and warmth. I'm feeling inspired, I had several interesting events occur in my dreaming last night, none of which was overtly surprising just memorable enough for further consideration.
Today's affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com): As God’s beloved, I cherish each moment of intimacy (in-to-mesee) with my Divine Partner. I realize that I can receive my lover’s affection any time I desire through the practice of meditation.
I continue to be intrigued by the notion of God as lover because it's a lovely concept and comforting in ways I hadn't imagined. And the wholeness I experience as I move throughout my day, throughout the space of living and the tug of my heart. In my dream, an old friend visited, Monique who is amazingly gorgeous and has this wonderful spirit. What I most recall about our time in my dream was her locks, long flowing sandy colored perfectly tangled locks. And she had a tamborine, I used to love playing the tamborine in church and I was enthralled in the moment of our connectedness around this instrument. I can't recall the specifics of our activities within the dream, yet in some ways I felt as if I was a child again. Her hand enveloped mine, we went about looking at something, perhaps art on a wall. I relished the hooking of our pinkies when we walked about, sometimes parting a bit but still connected.
There is another instance of great clarity in the front of my memory from dreamland. A man, tall, slim yet muscular, deep baritone voice bent with compassion and love, this man carried me on his back. I never saw his face but we laughed alot, we were kindred, familiar at the deepest level of living and I felt our love was solid as rock. The purity of my recollection of this image penetrates my entire being and I can't let go. I awake wanting to return, wanting to get back to him, get back to this cocoon of unbridled attention, affection and beauty. It was real beyond real, it was peace beyond peace, it was love beyond love, it was a moment beyond any moment I have known and yet I never saw his face. I want to examine the dream for meaning but I'd rather carry it, craddle it within my heart and wish it into existence. Hopefully, I can carry on where we left off tonight when I bed.
I feel this sense of understanding, enlightenment blanketing my spirit. It holds me in the direction of light, it swaddles my basic desires and nutures the part of me that wants to try really really hard. It's nothing something you get excited about and it's not feeling of being upset, it is even, it is simple, it is leveling, it is neutral but with force and action, it is divine, it is right is the only way I can explain it. I'll say this about what is coming over me, I for the first time in my life, trust myself, trust that I will and can make the perfect choices for me. That I can and will be in my moments. That I can and will allow good to be pervasive in my living, to embrace love's conjuring joy and accept all that is as just another opportunity for me to grow.
What this moment also reminds me is of my ability to receive. Not at a level or in the vain of self-centeredness, just as the process of ebb and flow. I clogged up the funnel by giving and not receiving. The dream reminded me of what it felt like to receive, to hold hands, to ride on someone's back, an amazing sense of life was resuurected. The give and take, the pull and the push, the in and the out, the on and the off, the dark and the light. The flow, the energy, the essence of being present in each moment. What a lovely dream and I get this feeling because it's already happening that my dreams are coming true, my dreams are manifesting as I write these words and a major part of my dream for life is here right now. I didn't think I would ever, ever get to a point of self-love and acceptance, a place where I alone valued what was important and right for me. I never thought I would live in peace or have peace of mind. I couldn't imagine joy unspeakable in my life. And the shear contentment in the midst of every moment was unfantomable, unlikely and never to be experience in my living days. There were times when I thought I would never stop courting thoughts of suicide, I just considered it a daily nutritional vitamin. I never thought that I would be with a good man and although I'm not there, it's clear to me that it is manifesting itself and not just because I want it but because I'm ready. I'm in a space of receivership, a space of allowing it to come to me. My cousin used to tell me that I was the lucky one, I never took that in, in fact I did my best to create a life that resulted in something otherwise. But I stand today bearing witness to this luck, I feel lucky to be in what the church folks would say, closed and in my right mind. I feel blessed, I feel whole, I feel deeply connected to the divine that dwells within and intertwined in all of humanity as an intregal part. It may be luck but the experience speaks to luck being a choice, the opportunity to choose the good, the chance to grab onto rightousness and the openness to accept what is rightfully your and God given.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
Today's affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com): As God’s beloved, I cherish each moment of intimacy (in-to-mesee) with my Divine Partner. I realize that I can receive my lover’s affection any time I desire through the practice of meditation.
I continue to be intrigued by the notion of God as lover because it's a lovely concept and comforting in ways I hadn't imagined. And the wholeness I experience as I move throughout my day, throughout the space of living and the tug of my heart. In my dream, an old friend visited, Monique who is amazingly gorgeous and has this wonderful spirit. What I most recall about our time in my dream was her locks, long flowing sandy colored perfectly tangled locks. And she had a tamborine, I used to love playing the tamborine in church and I was enthralled in the moment of our connectedness around this instrument. I can't recall the specifics of our activities within the dream, yet in some ways I felt as if I was a child again. Her hand enveloped mine, we went about looking at something, perhaps art on a wall. I relished the hooking of our pinkies when we walked about, sometimes parting a bit but still connected.
There is another instance of great clarity in the front of my memory from dreamland. A man, tall, slim yet muscular, deep baritone voice bent with compassion and love, this man carried me on his back. I never saw his face but we laughed alot, we were kindred, familiar at the deepest level of living and I felt our love was solid as rock. The purity of my recollection of this image penetrates my entire being and I can't let go. I awake wanting to return, wanting to get back to him, get back to this cocoon of unbridled attention, affection and beauty. It was real beyond real, it was peace beyond peace, it was love beyond love, it was a moment beyond any moment I have known and yet I never saw his face. I want to examine the dream for meaning but I'd rather carry it, craddle it within my heart and wish it into existence. Hopefully, I can carry on where we left off tonight when I bed.
I feel this sense of understanding, enlightenment blanketing my spirit. It holds me in the direction of light, it swaddles my basic desires and nutures the part of me that wants to try really really hard. It's nothing something you get excited about and it's not feeling of being upset, it is even, it is simple, it is leveling, it is neutral but with force and action, it is divine, it is right is the only way I can explain it. I'll say this about what is coming over me, I for the first time in my life, trust myself, trust that I will and can make the perfect choices for me. That I can and will be in my moments. That I can and will allow good to be pervasive in my living, to embrace love's conjuring joy and accept all that is as just another opportunity for me to grow.
What this moment also reminds me is of my ability to receive. Not at a level or in the vain of self-centeredness, just as the process of ebb and flow. I clogged up the funnel by giving and not receiving. The dream reminded me of what it felt like to receive, to hold hands, to ride on someone's back, an amazing sense of life was resuurected. The give and take, the pull and the push, the in and the out, the on and the off, the dark and the light. The flow, the energy, the essence of being present in each moment. What a lovely dream and I get this feeling because it's already happening that my dreams are coming true, my dreams are manifesting as I write these words and a major part of my dream for life is here right now. I didn't think I would ever, ever get to a point of self-love and acceptance, a place where I alone valued what was important and right for me. I never thought I would live in peace or have peace of mind. I couldn't imagine joy unspeakable in my life. And the shear contentment in the midst of every moment was unfantomable, unlikely and never to be experience in my living days. There were times when I thought I would never stop courting thoughts of suicide, I just considered it a daily nutritional vitamin. I never thought that I would be with a good man and although I'm not there, it's clear to me that it is manifesting itself and not just because I want it but because I'm ready. I'm in a space of receivership, a space of allowing it to come to me. My cousin used to tell me that I was the lucky one, I never took that in, in fact I did my best to create a life that resulted in something otherwise. But I stand today bearing witness to this luck, I feel lucky to be in what the church folks would say, closed and in my right mind. I feel blessed, I feel whole, I feel deeply connected to the divine that dwells within and intertwined in all of humanity as an intregal part. It may be luck but the experience speaks to luck being a choice, the opportunity to choose the good, the chance to grab onto rightousness and the openness to accept what is rightfully your and God given.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)