March 31, 2009 @ 6:16am

Wow, I can't believe it's the lat day of March, I felt like it was just December yesterday or at best January. I guess it's the cold weather that keeps the desire for spring in your soul but fails to convince your mind, especially when long johns, hat, scarves and gloves cover every square inch of your body and how the slightest bit of cold makes you feel as if winter is going to last forever. I'm smart enough to know winter will pass but sometimes I really do wonder, I really do get teh feeling that this whole earth atmospheric shift may not be towards warmth but in effect a movement toward more cold, let us pray that I am utterly and completely wrong.
Today's affirmation is The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. I choose for myself what my good life will be, knowing that God fulfills me at the level of my expectations (from scienceofmind.com).
I'm needing these words of affirmation this morning as I continue to struggle with my purpose or the full complexity of what I want to do with my life. I woke up this morning coming to grips with the power of my mind to believe whatever it wants to believe. If I decide today to be a science teacher, then so be it, I can put this thought into my mind and use my subconscious to innact this idea and make it manifest and if this is true than it stands to reason that anything else can be true. For example, I don't have a concept of ugly, no one is ugly to me and sure enough when I go about my business in the world, no matter who I meet and how they look, there has never ever been a moment when I thought someone was ugly. I might of thought that their behavior was ugly but not their physical appearance. I have enjoyed seeing what is uniquely beautiful about all people and taking time to appreciate this uniqueness. I love this about me and I know it contributes to the joy I experience in meeting new people and my ability to embrace people no matter what they look like as well as this continued inner desire to be a humanitarian. To love the people, to bring the people to the light and for people to recognize their own magnificience.
It's a morning of great anticipation because I will be spending some time with a friend today and this feels good, feels right and I'm excited. I'm ready to define who I am in the world and make the agreements I want to make with myself. I feel extremely empowered to choose what is the best life for me and It has some material comforts but it is grounded in wanting to be a positive force in the world and it's rooted in expressing what is unique to me without regard to other peoples definition of what is right or wrong. Maybe all this business of right and wrong is wrong and maybe what's wrong is all right and what is right is a travesty and wrong on so many levels. I think about sexual expression and I'm not toting irresponsibility but I am expressing this need for people to come out of their repression and in a responsible manner have the intimate exchange that is vital to their health and well being. It's the one area where we still struggle as a people, where the cloth of religion puts its heavy hand on how people come to sexual interaction and for the most part religion keeps the act in a box, calling it pro-creation and maybe back in the day when there wasn't any technology to keep people busy, there needed to be some control on sex but nowadays, people sit at their computers, derive sexual pleasure from cyber space at the expense of ever having real and abiding human exchange, I've got to think that this is not all right or at least something is wrong.
Enough about sex, this might be why I stay horny all the time and it might be why I am so open to people, the driving force behind my yearning for deeper, more meaningful human to human connection. I think that it's not so much I want to have sex with every human being I encounter but sex has been the place where I have experienced the highest connection with someone else and so it stands to reason that I come back to it time and time again. More than anything, I want to hug people, I want to listen to people, I want to laugh with people and I just want to sit on my porch swing and share the silence with others. And all this seems so simple yet it is the epic of beauty, the ultimate soul goal for divinity to be commonplace in my life.
I had an interview at a place with older people, where the elderly were cared for in their final days. Days laden with dimentia and even with that diagnosis, there are some things you never forget. You never forget the feel of a loving touch, you never grow to old to enjoy a beautiful sunny day and you never forget how fragile yet hard life can be. What I saw in those people was the will to live despite the loss of memory because some memories aren't the only substance of life. We may lose our memory of others but we never lose the memory of ourselves. The memory of us as human and with basic human needs, with basic human wants and with basic humanness. I was feeling on the fence about this job but now I want to be there, I want to sit in the lap of contemplation and to be challenged to live my best life because it is only a flash before it is all over. And I will live life knowing that the good I so desire will manifest, I will live in my moments more and I will love unconditionally and first I will honor who I am.
I am not complicated and I am unique, I am flavorful, moody and energized. I am this big beautiful body and pretty face. My hands and feet are large, my breast may sag with splendid perkiness and my butt is that of a swimmer or runner which ever floats your boat. I'm honored to have a charismatic personality, the vivaciousness that I bring to the table is a blessed gift and I promise from this day forward to be my best me, even when it isn't easy, even when I want to do the same thing that I've always done, I'm going to do better, I'm going to live with righteousness, I a God made manifest and the least I can do is honor the creative miracle that is me and be the change I want to see in the world. Everybody else can do what they want without judgment from me and I will do what I feel is loving and forgo any judgment of myself and I refuse to take in the passing judgments of others. This is my life, this is the only life I am going to have and before memory of past fails me, which might not be a bad thing but before others need to tend to my basic needs, I will do my best to have enough moments to comfort me in the days when memory is lost but being in the moment is the most splendid of things.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 30, 2009 @ 7:00am

The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. My spiritual ground is firm and supportive. I know my stability lies in deep Spirit is today's affirmation from scienceofmind.com.
I awake this morning in a deep contemplation about the direction of my life, not really the direction because I know where I'm headed but I'm uncovering intricacies, the small nuances of the way I want to live. More importantly, really I'm endeavoring to explore how these elements fit into the new definition of myself and how my mind contends with affirmation of things that I have previously found shameful or I have struggled to assert a sense of choice around my choices. I get that it's all in my mind and it's all in spirit, God has made me a unique expression and why wouldn't I honor that in my living.
There is a part of me that has always lived life to beat of my own drum and it seems the older I get the more I desire to blend and yet blending feels so foreign and so incomplete and so boring. As I contend with these thoughts I get that my primary concern is to focus on spirit, the infinite intelligence that lies within me, the spiritual force that governs my living and the abundance contained with that. Also, I get that life is about balance, it's about exploration and it's about finding the right balance of things that make living interesting and full of vitality. Also I'm really interested in exploring more sides to myself, interested in exploring new ways of being and I'm interested in attending to my deepest most inner most desires and pleasures.
I'm taking my life back, so to speak. Giving myself permission to be me, in all of my complexity and in all of the ways that make me, me. I'm really interested in and want to use the force within me to effect my mind and thus my outer experience of the world. The book the Four Agreements always brings me back around to mind over matter and the ability to not be sucked into the world's psycho-social dysfunction. To be the light in the midst of darkness and to be the joy in a world that feels the need to be depressed and full of anxiety over financial matters. And I don't get it, money never makes you happy, so why allow it to make you unhappy. I find this time of chaos in the financial realm a good chance to return back to what is important and that are the people in our lives, to re-connect, to love and to be together but I can see the grip of consumption and materialism has a noose around the necks of most people. They are so bought into the idea of consumerism that even though they are not able to partake in this cycle of numbness, they still try. Talk of going to the dollar store is chic now, when it's not that the items are a dollar because I can't stand the dollar store, there is no value in much that they sell except when it is an actual quality product offered at a reduced price but not much.
I just caught myself focusing on others and thats not my goal, my job is to be conscious of my own actions and my own thoughts and my words. People are God made manifest, it is not my job to judge or rate their living, it is my job to be a positive example of how to live with peace, joy and in balance with the universal energy. Today I commit to reminding myself for as many moments as I can about the power and presence of the holy spirit in my life and to look to the presence for guidance, to relinquish control and allow things to transpire in a positive God way. I'm interested in being gentle with people, understanding and open to knowing that they too have the divine inside of them as well and they can use it when they choose to. I'm not in the least bit interested in making people's lives more unbearable, I'm invested with my whole heart and mind and spirit to see them reach the level of pure bliss and joy. All the spiritual teachers continue to say that laughter is the path to God and I wonder why that is. I guess God realized that laughter is simply the manifestation of happiness, the point where we are full of joy and so much so, it erupts into laughter. I want to make people laugh, smile, feel good about themselves and know how Godly they are, how divine and how exquisitely perfect they are.
Rev. Moira from Redondo Beach Church of spiritual living in her podcast reiterates over and over again that we can't control our external experiences but those experiences are experienced by us through our minds and what and how our minds selects to interpret these experiences. She also shares that there is a way out of this predicament and that is our ability to control our mind, thus in controlling our mind, in using our mind for the purpose of examining experience for it's truth, we can have a more wonderful experience with things that happen externally. And this concept is totally in alignment with the four agreements. I love the agreement about not taking things personally, if I fail to take it personal when people half-hazardously, careless or even with intent (which usually means they are unhappy and want to hurt any and everybody), if I don't take these acts against, or so called against me personally then what I realize in that moment is that their choices aren't about me and their choices are manifested in the lie they continue to tell themselves and their choices are actions that happen when they are not in alignment with the holy spirit and anything that happens outside of the holy spirit is not real, not as powerful and not as influential as those things that are masterminded with God consciousness. What a revelation, what a wonderful recognition and what a relief because my greatest challenge has been, why are people so mean, why do people treat others bad and why on earth do we as human beings do things to hurt others, it behooves me but I get it. This is my moment of epiphany when I get complete clarification about how to live life without allowing the negative forces to control my behavior. I choose divine intelligence and the holy spirit, I choose to connect with that in as many moments as I can and I choose to relinquish my need to know all the answers, I choose to surrender with complete comfort and knowing the support I need is always readily available to me. In a nutshell I'm taking back my life and that has been my intention for the last however long and today it feels real, tangible and something I can really do.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 29, 2009 @ 7:25am

It's Sunday morning the birds are singing and discussing their desire for warmer tempertures. I want to tell them that it's on the way but I'm not 100% sure myself but I love the sound, the constant interaction of nature going on outside while I struggle to discover who I am on the inside. And I am coming to know myself better and in ways I hadn't quite understood before. I never realize how much of my life has been consumed with things that others want me to do and it's taking me a minute to peel back the layers of external wants and allow my true desires to surface for examination. I keep coming back to several common threads, they're consistent and yet not very well connected or at least I can't figure out how to integrate the elements into something tangible, something sensible and a part of me feels that perhaps sensible is not the answer, perhaps these elements are not meant to combine in some comfortable way.
I'm reading the companion guide to the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and it expands upon the first book and I'm finding revelation in the kinds of agreements I have with myself and how these agreements keep me on the edge of my true desires. These agreements are not my agreements but socially conditioned agreements, agreements from other people and agreements that don't serve my greater good and yet I hang onto them as if they are really important.
I really feel this calling to write about, create a website and become a sort of expert who talks with black folk about sex, sexuality and sexual orientation issues. In my consxious mind, I'm very interested in helping people discover sexual health and wellness, to become comfortable with their bodies, their sexual organs and their sexual activities and behaviors. And the agreement in my mind centers around me feeling as if people will think that I am weid for doing this but then I go to Tristan Tarantino's website and I say, she does it and she looks as if she's doing just fine and then it dawns on me that I have this agreement in my head about sex and openly talking about sex which is something I do regularly but I am made to feel as if I am odd and the truth is, I am odd for talking about sex openly because no one else does it. The whole purpose of what I want to do is to create space, so that it is no longer odd to talk about it, for it to become as natural as talking about the weather, okay not exactly like the weather but something close. Ruiz talks about the power of the mind to keep us from our callings because of all the agreements we have made with ourselves and words have power. He encourages us to make new agreements and to consciously move into these new agreements, step by step. It's all a process and it's all a journey. And I just looked back up at something I just wrote, the whole weird thing, I've been weird my entire life, why all of a sudden am I worried about it now.
I came up with this somewhat of a science demonstration to explain spiritual growth, the thought excited me yesterday and I wondered what I would ever do with this idea. I wondered if a spiritual teacher can teach people to be sexually healthy as well. I felt the two didn't exactly go together and in this moment, I have decided it does go together. Ruiz says we are welcomed to return to our child like nature, the part of us that is exploring and daring and open to the unimaginable, to play and to know that all of our needs will be met. This is what living is about yet I confine myself to these adult definitions of human restraint and I'm way too expressive for that, this is why I can't be in confining environments, I need light, openness and the ability to move around. More than anything I want to become immune to the words of others, to understand that their need to provide evaluation of me either positively or negatively is just their need to express and I am to simply allow it to be without letting it enter into consideration of my behavior or my personal beliefs about myself. I get what Ruiz is saying about the agreements and their capacity to change my life. I am in the mids of changing my life for the better, I am determined to live my best life and I have everything I need.
Yesterday at the grocery store, I sensed this openness with myself as I experienced the attention of others, particularly this man who seemed to have wanted to chat and just as I stopped to converse with him, he found himself discombobulated or somehow surprised yet unable to continue the dialogue. Maybe he was surprised that I was willing to talk but whatever it was it heightened my awareness of human interaction and the shear courage it takes to speak to someone because no else in the store talked to anyone else. I recognized how completely void the experience of going to the grocery store can be especially when you do self-check out. As I think about it, there are times when I walk into the grocery store, collect my items, check out and never speak to a soul, how strange is that? We have become so disconnected as human beings and this is not how we're suppose to live, I know this is not a part of the evolutionary plan, it makes no sense and I want to change my behavior and bring back human interaction, bring back the days when people spoke to each other. Also, I thought about my t-shirt idea, the one that says on the front, Need A Hug and on the back it will read, I Give Hugs. I want to make the world a better place to live in and I want to connect more, I'm not interested in huddling myself in a corner anymore, being a hermit and too scared of people. I am a person, I know in the heart of hearts that there is more to living and I want the fullest experience I can have.
Ruiz brings up something amazing in his writings, I get that it's not thick skin that we need to have unless we want to but it's an inner knowing that the holy spirit will take care of you, me, us. It is in the space of loving ourselves and truly embracing our perfection, the perfection of God inside of us that will provide the strength, the understanding and the compassion to treat people with decency and respect and love. I'm not looking for protection from people, I'm looking to be grounded in the truth of who and what I am, I am invested in expressing divine infinite intelligence and in that space of knowing, I know that I have everything I need and I know that God is so awesome that there is enough for everyone else, if they so choose. No more crabs in the barrel, no more grasping for crumbs and no more settling for being unGodly, I have higher expectations for myself, I am rising to the occasion, I am stepping into my divinity and allowing spirit, the universal energy that indwells to manifest fully. I'm all right with all that I endeavor to do, either it will come about separately or it will manifest in some combination of perfection, either way I am in it, in my purpose for living and being here on the planet.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 28, 2009 @ 8:57am

I'm thinking so much about my writing and what to put on the page. How to get inside the moment and reveal in written creative expression the truth in human interaction. I'm discovering the magic of a good story, how it works and when it fails on many levels. And I'm getting better about letting go of the need to think a story is good. I realize I over use the word that which in most instances is completely unnecessary. What I really am endeavoring to tap into is my poetic voice the place inside of me that is master word-smith with ingenuity and individuality. To invent in the way that is unique to myself, to my world and to my living. There used to be this time when I was ultra sensitive about the words, about the stories but now I let them grow up and be who they want to be. My muse a nurturing influence only and not a dictatorship. I'm not as closed off to re-write and trashing something all together and this really excites me, it is an indication of the leap that has taken place over time. I'm excited about writing, I write each day and I feel as if I have landed on the planet I belong. The creation of worlds, people and settings is nearly orgasmic with a hint of stroking of the ego.
I went back to listen to additional sermons by Moira Fox at Redondo Beach Church of spiritual living and it brought me back to an affirmation from the other day about how it is necessary to be engage in spiritual activity all the time. I can see how I have been lax on this point, it's been the attention that I have given to the sexual angst that radiates throughout my being. Yeah, I'm horny, I'm horny all the time and yet I have plenty of moments when I don't allow it to take over my mind, over my thinking and over my concentration. What I know about sex is this, I can engage in the act with someone right now if I want, if that's all I really want and I can of course do some limited self stimulation, I choose the later because I'm tired of having sex with people with whom I have no mental, emotional or relational connection. It always ends with temporary stimulus and this over powering sense of emptiness because in the end the orgasm I thought I was getting wasn't really an orgasm at all but the generic version, the no-name version, the off brand, the substitute but in the end it doesn't really work. I wind up hornier than ever because the scratch wasn't really itched, just rubbed on, barely. So, I'm feeling this need to get some balance in my life including sexually but also spiritually, and physically. Now with the weather nice, I'm excited about getting back outside more, doing more running, doing more gardening and keeping my commitment to making new friends via activities that I like.
Listening to Rev. Fox reminded me that this journey toward spiritual understanding is lifelong and much like the need for me to change my eating, in a nutshell I need a spiritual and physical overhaul, in order for me to get where I want to go, I will need to create a new lifestyle, one full of the elements that allow me to express myself in healthier ways. But what was so important to me and what I heard so eloquently was this notion that I am all right the way that I am. She read this passage from a book by a woman who worked with homeless, disadvantaged youth and in a letter to them she said, you are perfect and you have everything you need, God made you complete and you lack for nothing. And I thought about how we tell kids how imperfect they are, how they lack the proper means to live a good life and how they need to be molded and rehabilitated and made into something that is right when they are already perfect as they are. I love how this woman apologized for the worlds misconception of them but it was her prayer that they will come to know the real God truth of their divine creation as manifested in their wholeness, their completeness and their perfection. Rev. Moira created people to express everything that makes us perfect, a kind of calling to greatness and yet it is a social norm to dumb ourselves down, to play less than and to complain as if something is wrong when there is nothing lacking in our realities besides the ego's need to compare, contrast and compete. I think about this so called recession, my prayer is that people will stop watching the news and start watching how blessed they are to have life and breathe. My prayer is that the anxiety that has gripped humans across the globe, I await the day people lay their burdens down with spirit and start to live within the confines of the truth. My real prayer is for people to re-discover what is important. To rediscover themselves and what makes them unique, happy and what's makes them feel alive. I pray for a reformation of familial love, the coming together of family in love because there is so much drama in families, mine is no different but I want to connect with them, I want to be in their presence without the drama and I want what I have always known as the good family stuff, the laughing, the loving, the playing and the sticking together.
Rev. Moira reminded me to step into the reality that I want. So if I am a writer then be the writer that I am, if I desire a relationship then be in a mode of constant preparation for a relationship, make time, space and energy to give love to another. Altruism, to give without expectation and I know this better than anyone when I give without a need for outcome, I get back some of the most powerful and greatest getting back I have ever known. But also, I am engaging mindfulness with a serenity that I have read about but now experience on a daily basis. Something as simple as eating when I am hungry as oppose to just eating for the sake of eating or eating to fill the imaginary empty places or to eat as a response to stress, anxiety or whatever. And more and more each day I use my mind to create the world I want and I keep coming back to simple living. I come back to a house with a big yard, a dog, a cat, a garden, a swing on the porch, fresh air, kids, family, dirt road, abundance of trees, hard wood floors, a big kitchen with breakfast nook on a sun porch, a man who kisses me every morning, writing room with bay windows and shelves full of books I read over and over again, jogging pants as every day wear, nappy hair bantering about, bare feet living, plants, music, art, laughter and plenty of love. I don't want for much but it feels like the impossible given the world we live in but I am so eloquently reminded by Rev. Moira that my reality is God's reality and God isn't expressing a recession in my life, God is expressing what God always expresses which is an abundance of goodness, prosperity and more love than I can ever imagine. The truth is that I needed a reality check because I think the world is that reality but I know there is the divine reality, the divine expression and divine love. I claim God's goodness for me today and always.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 227, 2009 @ 6:52am

Funky fabulous phenomenal flavorful freaky fun-filled feverish flowering fantastic Friday.
I'm sitting here in my birthday suit and wondering why I haven't done this before. I slept extremely well last night, it feels so good to find the morning a surprise and nestled in a bout of newfound energy. I have been struggling with sleep but the truth is this is not the first time that I have discovered the benefits of a good session of masturbation. Of course, I yearned for more but there is nothing like going there with yourself, nothing compares except when it is done with someone you care about but I had a good time with myself, unleashed some of the fire that has been lingering between my thighs for the last lifetime. I can't remember when I wasn't always horny? Actually I don't ever want to lose this insatiable appetite I have, it might be the reason why I don't use drugs or alcohol or why I have a high level of energy without a caffeine fix, it's interesting.
I had the most pleasant of dreams where my kids brought me by three dogs, I can't tell the kind of dogs but they were adorable. Two of them were siblings, one black and one white, they kind of resembled the body shape of a poodle but poodlesque at all, bigger, friendlier and they loved me. Then there was this third dog, it snuck in with the other two because no one knew where it came from, it was a mut and I could see myself in the dog, see the compassion and struggle to be decent and good. What was most interesting was this man, who was my boyfriend and the more I think about this part, the more I get excited because I'm hoping that my dream of being in a relationship with a man is coming true. So, he walked the dogs and spent so much time helping me take care of them. He was trying to convince, me to keep them and was offering to help me. I could tell from the dream that we lived together and this was nice. I loved the way he cared for the animals and the way he cared for my children who are now grown.
There is this part of me that is convinced that a relationship is on the verge of blossoming. I'm continually preparing myself for a partnership, thinking about what I have to give in a relationship and the multiple ways in which I am making room and time to love someone. I recognize some really basic things about the importance and function of intimate coupling. I'm anxious to have someone to hug every single day, to kiss, to rub against, to snuggle up with, to be sexual with every day (I pray, lol) and to give of my time and energy. Someone I can listen to, fix meals for, support and comfort. I'm excited to be that someone who allows a person to be who they are and to provide them with a solid and conscious commitment to love them unconditionally. To look in this persons eyes and see what is divinely ordained, heavenly sent and masterfully created for our benefit. I don't know the specifics, the who, the where, the how, the what, I just know the time has come and it certainly is an interesting time to be bringing a lover into my space and it's the perfect time whenever it happens.
I like the simplicity of my life right now, I'm enjoying the space of consciousness and I'm open to endless possibilities. I'm enjoying my body, my big body, my naked body and the perfection it reveals. I love the way I feel in my body, the good physical health, the sensuality, the energy and the look of contentment amidst my face. I used to think I was extremely ugly but now I look in the mirror and wonder where I came up with that, I am pleasantly enjoying the youthful look, the sexy eyes and full lips. I am kinda cute when you get right down to it and it's a blessing to feel this way about myself. I am overjoyed to realize what is really awesome and good for me. Good about me and good in me. Thank the stars it's Friday and with warmer weather in the horizon, I will enjoy the majesty of the outdoors this weekend and I will enjoy the majesty of self love and I will enjoy this gif of life as best as I possibly can.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

March 26, 2009 @ 6:33am

I've got two things on my mind, job interview and sexuality. Two very different and yet not so diametrically opposed subject topics. The sexuality issue arose yesterday when I had a chance to watch the Oprah show, I promised myself I wouldn't watch the show anymore but there I was lazily on my son' s bed watching and yet I felt as if I was meant to watch it yesterday. It was the first time when I felt this complex issue of my sexuality was not only being affirmed but recognized. For the lack of a better word, I call myself bisexual as a way for people to understand me but really I don't feel as if I'm bisexual, I feel like I like who I like when I like them and I must confess when I am attracted to women, I am only attracted to women but when I'm in my fluid phase of being attracted to men, like I am right now, I only want a man. And never shall the two meet and yet I feel as if I am often challenged because I have had relations with both. The word fluidity sound apropo because I sense this shift, it's fluid and not easily describable but it just happens. It has been a while sense I had really been interested in men beyond getting some basic sexual needs met and then all of a sudden I found myself attracted to a man, undeniably attracted and even in this moment, I still have this inner instinctual sensation about him. The feeling isn't mutual so I'm mentally and emotionally moving on but the shear delight I have found in desiring this man has been amazing. And what complicates matter for me right now is my lack of desire for anyone else, male or female. What I've come to understand about myself is that when I like someone it is irrespective of their gender, it their soul that speaks to me and it's rare for me to come across someone who I am deeply attracted to and someone with whom I want to connect with, where the energy arises from a place inside of me. I keep trying to shake this feeling and it's challenging. In just this moment an epiphany has come to the fore. The truth is this I'm not going to really shake the feeling, I enjoy the adoration I have for this man and find it one of the purest feelings I've had in a long time. I'm proud to be in a space of unconditional love for another human being, allows me to know life more tangibly. So I understand that I can't simply shake the feeling, I can only allow it to be what it is or subside in it's own time or more accurately, I suspect that it will linger until such a time when I meet another person with whom I feel connected to on a spiritual level or within my soul consciousness or whatever this thing is. So I surrender to the divinity of my attraction, it is a good thing to like someone without the need for them to be anything for you, to allow them to be who they are without expectation. I'm confident that I will meet another who will cause me to take pause and I am more than confident that the next time I find myself instantly attracted to someone, the feeling will be mutual. The energy will permeate our connection and we will engage the dance of long-term committed intimacy.
As for the job interview, I'm doing my best to make peace with the situation. It's part time gig and I get the feeling it's a good move for me at this time. I'm wanting something else but I'm really attempting, no I am open to the vastness of endless opportunities. I sense something good about the position, something intangible and there is a part of me that wants to leave the place where I am working at right now but maybe that time hasn't come and maybe with good reason, reasons I can't comprehend but the type of reason that will open up space for more spiritual understanding. There is a lesson in all of this, there is something for me in this situation and who knows what miracle could happen. I know no longer feel the need to control my life, to concoct elaborate plans, I give it over to the holy spirit because more than anything I want to live a better life, a life based on truth and in a spirit of peaceful, joy-filled and comforting unconditional love. Time out for games, time out for superficial play acting, time out for dumbing down, time out for pleasing other people, time out for misery, time out for ego based living, time out for fear based living and time out for unnecessary drama. Time in for long walks in the park with honest communication, time in for home cooked meals laced with love and food from the garden I grow, time in for sex with passion, time in for self acceptance, time in for self care, time in for a more meaningful connection to my higher power, time in for the simple things like laughter, continual physical affection, listening, quiet understanding, foot & back rubs, kisses on the hand, slow living, abundant joy, immeasurable prosperity, unspeakable peace of mind and the complete penetration and expression of LOVE in every space of my being.
I am perfect and I whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 25, 2009 @ 8:25am

Today's affirmation is The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. I welcome each day, and I welcome opportunities to come from a God-inspired consciousness (www.scienceofmind.com).
I woke up this morning with friendship on my mind, I do recall thinking about the ways in which I can began to make friends that live in the same city or state for that matter. My initial idea was to get involved in those activities that appeal, to do those things I love to do like tennis, running and playing pool which was an interesting activity to consider. Also, this summer I will garden so this might be a way to delve into a friendship. I feel that this concern is premature and mute but I accept that having close friends that live in the are would help with those moments when I just want to be with someone I love and trust. Getting back to tennis sounds super fun and I can feel the swing, I can imagine running to clip a ball close to the net. I love the physical challenge of the game as well as the physics of racket-to-ball contact. Plus I've come to learn that being competitive helps with the heighten need for sexual intimacy, I can use the increase in hormones and put them to use in a sport or other kind of activity.
Now the playing pool part feels a bit of a challenge because not only do I like to play pool, I like to accompany my pool playing with a bit of wit, humor and down right sh*t-talking. It's no fun if you can tease, make unbelievable predictions or attempt to break a person's concentration and vice versa. I miss the days of going to the pool place in Washington, DC. I didn't need to take anyone, I just showed up, others would be there and a game would ensue. Some folks drank but I came to know who were over drinkers and I didn't play with them. I had my sticks the one's I delicately labeled with a nail polish stain or a nick that only I knew about. And then of course there were my lucky tables, the one's I swore were made just for me and tables where I was a winner more times than not.
I figure if I'm going to open my world to a new friend, I might as well have fun doing it. Plus if I don't meet anyone I really feel especially connected to, at least I will have had fun in the process because the one on one attempts are wearing me and not enough fun, not enough substance to hold onto for continued exploration in terms of friendship or bonding. I'm excited about the prospects of this adventure, it feels right and it feels appropriate for the time and it allows me to cnoquer two things at once, doing what I love and making new friends. The truth is, I only need one, so the odds are in my favor.
Each day I get better and each day I grow in ways I don't expect and each day I come around to who I really am without regard to what others need or think of me, it's a far more comfortable way of living. It brings me back to the affirmation in that the goal is to use God-inspired consciousness to create the opportunities to live a better life. It didn't rain on my way to work but it had been raining before and is now raining. I wish it had rained, so that I could feel the cold wetness upon my flesh, to experience the each drop bearing witness to the magnificience of the moment and to be swaddled in the water of life, that from wince we came and where I desire to return. I love the water, I love rainy days and I love being in this moment.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 24, 2006 @ 8:13am

This morning I'm feeling severely introspective, trying to uncover that part of me that struggles to allow people into my life on a closer level and in a sustaining meaningful way. I keep asking myself, what is it that drives me inward at the expense of outwardly connections? Where does my natural tendency to enjoy people come from and where does it go once I am alone? And why am I always horny, for the love of sex, and this ratchet angst inside me feels like fire? Where is my balming cure?
No dream reminants this morning, just a hankering between my legs. It's heightened today almost in that way that makes me give in to an unsatisfying booty call. Perhaps if I openly tell myself that I have this need for sex all the time, maybe it will subside, dissipate or just lose it's physicality. I am not usually open about this to myself, this is why I am introspective, digging deep and searching for the places I tend to not pay attention to but on a superficial level. Except there is nothing superficial about the raging fire between my thighs and the hardening of my nipples when I think about what it all means. The measures I take to ease the sensation are futile, almost instigative in nature, adding kindle to raging flames, this is when I plead with God to bring someone loving into my sanctum. This is when I normally resort to measures I soon regret and acts that don't feed the hunger or at least not in any tangible way but I pray these words I give to myself this morning cull any unretractable behavior and I hope with bringing the issue to the forefront of my mind, I will find healing, find some natural effervescent cure.
I enjoy when the words ring with poetry and swish around language in a lucid fashion, this is where I am most at home, where I am most alive and free. I thought about a story the other night, one told to me by a fellow writer and it haunts me. Images circumvent all thoughts, cast it's presence front stage style and I'm giving involuntary attention to this story. This is my cue that my writerly hands will traverse the edges of the story and blanket it upon the page. It is a tale of a young man who grows up not knowing his father yet is attended to by a local man who owns the barber, a man who visits his home regularly, a man who his mother obviously likes but will not allow herself to get close to. The man spends his life comfortably without the stigma of fathelessness because this man from the Barber takes up that space that would otherwise be unfulfilled. The story is tragic in that in the end, the young man discovers that the barber is his real father but instead of relief, he feels a deep sense of betrayal, so much so he ends up killing the man. What is inside of a person who kills at the brink of truth and why is betrayal such a daunting emotion to dig through? Why doesn't healing attach itself to the unveiling of untruths? I suspect that the killing was merely an accident, like when you close and door and it slams, you hadn't realized your own strength. Or maybe in wanting a father for the bulk of his life, to come face to face with the man that is his father but chose to not reveal his true identity is all too much to bear in the face of a deep seated yearning. I want to write this story but I can't get to the why of the ending. A part of me says write and let the truth unfold and spill out in it's own time.
There is something about writing today that has a quality I've been needing, a spaciousness for sefl examination and a tilling of emotional soil.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 23, 2009 @ 8:15am

Monday Morning Mayhem, well not really it's a mellow Monday melancholoy and I'm back to the grind of the work week. I painted my fingernails black and my hands look spectacular. I'm in all black today so perhaps people will think I've gone Gothic but I'm not really interested i how people will interpret the simple self expression. I so like the contrast of brown and black, the way the shape of my fingers stick out and have this distinct edge to the finger. It's all looking very sexy and really different for me, since I never wear fingernail polish.
I'm feeling hopeful this morning and I'm feeling like I'm in the middle of some life juxtaposition yet I'm unclear as to where the path is leading. Why I need to know the definite destination? Actually I don't, I just need to enjoy the ride to where ever I will land. And as much as I want to be in the driver's seat, I'm cool with being escorted this time around. I'm open to the final veiling of a surprise, I like being surprised and I like having to figure things out.
However well I am doing with some things, there are areas of my life that I truly struggle with and my sexual drive is one of those angst that I seem to contend with day after day after day. Yesterday, I came to realization that I might end up with a partner who has a significantly lower sexual drive and how this ma not be an issue if so many of the other needs in the relationship are met. I considered sex with emotional attachment as potentially being far more satisfying thus reducing my requirement for sexual intimacy, it sounds good and it even has some decent philosophical underpinning but it doesn't erase how horny I am and continue to be, so I found myself pleading with the universal spirit to bring along someone quicker rather than later. I can laugh at myself today but there are those moments when I am in bed and the challenge is before me, it's front and center and no matter how hard I try to think of other things, I just can't go there, I can't leave the physicality of wanting sex.
Now that I've had my monday morning meandering about the three letter word, I'm wondering about my dreams again. They are weird and full of people, places and incidents that are unruly and a challeng to decipher. I only remember specks of several dreams but in one instance I was a teacher, I was helping a group of people escape, I was laying down perhaps in a hospital bed and I recall having this disgusting feeling about the sex I had had with someone who I wasn't even remotely attracted to. It was a challenge for me to fall asleep and once I did, my mind went all over the place and this surprised me considering the peace I've been feeling and the contentment I've become more and more comfortable with. I'm at this juncture, as I mentioned earlier, where things are perculating, change is upon me and I'm a bit anxious, I'm a bit desirous of knowing what's coming next and I'm working really hard not to project myself into the future but to enjoy the moments that I am in right now. To appreciate and give thanks for all that I have and all that is available to me in this very moment.
I can feel the wayward energy of life swirling all around me and although I protect myself from the constant angst of worry, strife and negativity, it still enters my domain. I want to assure people that everything is going to be alright but my tiny voiceis lost in a sea of voices giving continual diagnosis and volume to doom and inevitable destruction. My prayer is that people will stop wishing for the way things were because the old way didn't work, I wish they would come to the realization that in the world of technological advancces, we have used these tools to amass so much destruction and so much deception and with catastrophic results. I hope that people will look around at all the material things they have amassed and ask themselves why? But more importantly, people will stip away from over consumption of material things and re examine the people in their lives. To pick up and give time to loving those closest to them. We may not be able to control the world but we can control the stress and stop giving our power over to strees because it doesn't have to rule our lives. l Iiving beyond your means is stressful, buying things on credit is stressful, working a job you don't like is stressful, settling for a relationship that doesn't really work or bring out the best in you is stressful, consuming material goods for no good reason is stressful and neglecting to care for one's self is the worst kind of stress and the biggest disservice we can do. The spending has got to stop and quiet as it is kept, the economical world will continue to exist, it may change but it won't evaporate into thin air which is what most people think. Look in the mirror, come to remember the good that is ultimately inside of you and find compassion for loved ones. I feel like I'm preaching but this sermon is to myself, I'm really just talking ot myself like I always do in my morning pages. I continue to recognize the need to remind myself, I feel like I'm super slow but I get that it's more about reprogramming, it's about coming back to what matters and it's about gently prodding myself in the direction of love. I feel as if I'm falling in love with myself but not in the usual way, no this love is like diving in for good, melting into the mixture of pure love with wings. The image that comes to mind is one where I am sitting on my Big Mama's porch swing, I'm just swinging back and forth and back and forth and it feels like I can be on the swing for the rest of my life. I can feel the southern summer air, the smell of flowers and vegetable gardens and the stinch of hogs in the back yard. I bake in the sun's rays feeling on fire, feeling the comfort of warm air breezy and divine. Each moment feels effortless on that swing, I move through life gliding and flowing and directionally beautiful. My arms are spread wide as I take it all in, as I feel the hand of air rub against my face, neck, chest, and arms. My favorite part of swinging is the way my legs hang off the seat, droopy and limp against the air. As much work as we do with our feet, as much work as feet do tot get us thorugh life when I am on that swing my legs and feet get to rest and they are appreciative of their time off. The thing about swinging is that it engages change in a natural way, I guess it's much like life because in one sense you go forward and then you find yourself going backwards but as many times as I swing backward and forward and land in the same place, I feel different each time, I feel something mystical and blessed has occured. Maybe this is my lesson, life is like swinging and although you land in the same doesn't mean it's the same, doesn;t mean that I'm the same, it just means that I can grow in ways more complex than the simple linear way, my growth expands inwardly and with that I stand in the same place different, better and with more love.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 22, 2009 @ 8:56am

Sunday and I'm feeling content. It's been a journey coming back to myself, relinquishing the need to be everything for everybody and turning inward to honor my own dreams and desires. The steps toward this path seemed almost impossible but with each day I get a glimpse of why doing this for myself is a really good thing and how it opens me up in ways I hadn't been open to before. I like the way I get ideas, I like the way in which I am gentler in my self talk, I like the way I honor what my body is saying, I like the way my says simply flow without regard to date, I like the way I am coming into a more concrete spiritual understanding, I like this energy of peace that envelopes my life, I like not having any answers, I like the suspense of a new day, the endless possibilities, I like doing what I can as best I can, I like the silence I'm with for the better part of my day, I like people more because I see the divinity in them, I like this reunification with nature, I like looking up to the sky and looking at the stars, I like awaking with words of gratitude, I like looking in the mirror and really appreciating my own divine nature, I like feeling the sun on my skin, I like the strength I have come to generate to withstand the struggles of life, I like the return of common sense to me, I like Sundays when I give myself permission to do absolutely nothing, I like using the four agreements in my life, I like the way I pray now, I like the way I meditate when I need to without a whole lot of stuff, I like this confidence that grows inside of me, I like the way I play with words on the page, I like the way the spirit channels exceptional creativity to me when I just surrender, I like drinking water, I like being outside, I like the sexual energy radiating throughout my body, I like simple things, I like everything and I like me.
Every day I make a plan to make my life into the life that I desire. Even with a plan things don't always turn out the way I would like but I'm patient with myself, I'm using affirmative language and I'm saying to myself, you will get there. I step back sometimes and I realize how I am treating myself and how I am finally displaying the characteristics of care to myself that I would want somebody to care for me. I relish in the patience I have with myself, the gentle prodding, the way I say I can do it or I'll say everything is going to be alright or I look at myself in those moments when I am choosing to do nothing and thank the person inside for getting me to this point because if the person inside can get me to this point, the person inside can get me to newer more self loving points. I love it when I aspire to be better, to smile more, to love more, to give more, to let go, to give in, to require less, to see God in others, to see how beautiful I am, to unleash my inner most desire, to honor my unique ways, to let the sun shine and the clouds appear without feeling as I am going to fall. My life is good, stable and I feel blessed. Yet, I know that there is so much more for me and not just in a materialistic sense but in an experiential sense, in that I will have the opportunity to grow in my connection to others and to God. Amazing to me is the power of forgiveness of others and of the self. It's the simultaneous release of energy and getting of energy. I can't quite explain it in words but I find within forgiveness a divine reassurance and an encompassing peace of mind infused with spectacular energy, flow of life force throughout my body and I am so appreciative, so blessed and feel love's perfect wonder.
I don't know where I'm going and for a control freak like myself, I can honestly say I don't need to know because I'm enjoying the journey, I'm enjoying the awakening inside of my mind, body and spirit. I love what the course in the law of attraction states about our wants. When we want something, the way the universe manifest something is not in a direct sense but in an opportunistic sense. For example, I say I want a new job but what has happened is this, I have found a renewed energy in my current job, I have recomited to doing a better job at my current job. I have re dedicated myself to being the best that I can be and giving 100% or more and what I discovered about this because I thought it didn't make any sense but I went with it. I discovered that by giving my all to my current job, it is only preparation for me to give my all in my next job, a job that will come and will be everything I need it to be. My energy opened up when I got back to simply appreciating what I had, I opened up to endless possibilities by focusing on the now, I opened up and surrendered to the holy spirit to do the work of moving me into my next job. Also, the real blessing is in my new daily regimen where I work and then come home and write. The truth be told, if I had a new job right now I don't think I would of gotten back to the page because I would of been overwhelmed but with this new schedule I can move into a job that will fit into my life as oppose to me fitting into the life of the job. More importantly, I will bring a sense of giving my best to the job as oppose to the way in which I normally move into my next jobs with a sense of guilt for not having performed during the later days of my old job. I want to give my best until the end, I want to be in a space of giving, so I don't have to change or figure out what to do and I want to honor the ebb and flow of right action. Lastly, all of this open me up to whatever may come as my new place of employment. I fully realize that it's not about the people or the building or the office space or the size of the institution or stuff that's really out of my control. It's about performing the work that I am being paid to do with fervor and with a spirit of optimism. I'm not sure what all this means I just feel it's right in the moment, it's not complicated or full of negative stuff. I'm enjoying being more in my moments, being present to life and feeling the spaces of my heart open more and more to the only thing that matters which is LOVE.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 20, 2009 @ 7:16am

Good Morning Life and what a wonderful life it is. It's Fabulous Friday and I'm ready for the weekend, ready for good weather and relaxation time. I don't have any real plans but I'm looking forward to whatever life has in store for me. Perhaps I will spring clean or bean to contemplate what I have left in my spring to summer wardrobe or maybe I'll read the three books I have on side table, finally complete them once and for all.
Today's affirmation is The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. As I receive God's love, I am healed; I am revealed; I am a lover of life (www.scienceofmind.com). What an amazing affirmation and the truth is we are always recipients of God's love, it's when we move into conscious knowing of this simple fact, that's when our lives are open to perfection and we become intimately united with living. I love the thought of being a over of life because conventional wisdom would suggest that life is rough, hard and uncontrollable but to step away from being a victim and becoming an active and engaging in life from a place of loving life can only manifest goodness and abundance and joy and peace and most of all love.
I'm loving my life and why wouldn't I. It's my life and if I don't love, who in the world is going to love it or who in the world is going to take the time and energy to make my life loving. At times I want to push away spiritual thoughts that say I have to do for myself, love myself and take responsibility because I already have this feeling of the weight on my shoulders but then I get it and I understand that the weight is the result of my thoughts. The choices I make about what to think. Someone I interact with on a regular basis, I shall keep their identity anonymous but they have this tendency to be paranoid about everything and I was realizing yesterday the way in which I have started to do this, the ways in which I was starting to interpret certain chain of events with this mental paranoia, the thoughts were debilitating and they struck a nerve with me and I did what I do when I feel uneasy I ate too much. I ate so much my stomach was hurting and although I could feel the pain I kept eating and at one point I stopped but then tried to rationalize why I should at least finish eating what was on my plate. This conscious bantering back and forth with myself was extremely enlightening because for one I understood that full feeling as comforting, I understood that pain as something to feel instead of what I really should of been feeling, I understood that this habit is real and something I will have to keep an eye on for the rest of my life. I understood that if I kept doing this, I would eventually grow numb again and I didn't want that. I understood in a real way that these thoughts of paranoia weren't mine but something I was taking from my environment, something I was taking from old behavior and something I was grasping to avoid being conscious. Also, I get the feeling that it is the small way in which I began to sabotage myself. and my ego needs to do this because for years I have said that I will never be successful, I will never fulfill my deepest inner most desires but these last few months I have honored myself in the most loving of ways and it feels good. I keep returning to the value statements I have about myself and as much as I know they are a lie, I find myself slipping into old beliefs not because they serve my greater good but out of old habit.
The truth is I am feeling good, I am living my life with truth, passion and love. I am honoring the God in myself with actions that keep me humbled, blessed and I feel the embrace of the universal love energy. I finally put down the bowl and stopped eating, I was so full I had to lie down because the pain was slightly unbearable. But I was conscious of what was going on which affords me the chance to be reflective, to learn from this experience and to discover tools to ensure that I never go there again or at least try not to.
I'm reminded of the four agreements by Miquel Ruiz, always do your best, don't take anything personally, be impeccable with your words and don't make assumptions. I can see how if I just utilize these four understandings about the world around me, I would eliminate any need to be paranoid about anything. I would eliminate any desire to allow external forces be the governing force of my life. I can see how much power I give to whoever and whatever when the real power to have a good life lies within myself. It's all so very simple in it's written form and a challenge to use in life expressions. I didn't like that full feeling, it was disturbing to me and it felt like I was returning to old me, the me that wanted to be a victim and not a conqueror. I don't have to be the old me, I can and will manifest the truth of living within my day to day life actions. I want and will create my best life right now because I have everything I need to do this. And when I experience these moments when I slip, I'll do what I'm doing now, I'll be gentle with myself, I'll be understanding and I'll encourage myself to press on knowing I can do it. I'll give myself the very thing I want someone else to give me but when I reflect back to me what I truly desire, I experience a jolt of indescribable joy radiate throughout my body and I get the feeling that this is the way life is suppose to be lived.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 19, 2009 @ 6:28am

Today's affirmation: The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. Spiritual regeneration is taking place within me every time I turn to a divine quality (www.scienceofmind.com).
In considering this notion of spiritual regeneration, I wonder if two people making love which is something I don't necessarily believe in because I think intimate activity is more a physical satisfaction than a mental satisfaction or spiritual relief but maybe I am wrong. And I can see where this regenerative idea comes into play within my life. There is something fulfilling and relaxing and almost like a sense of relief when I am loving people as they are, when I am sharing the light of love or when I am just listening to other human experiences. I feel rejuvenated but I missed that thrust of newfound energy because I allowed myself to be mentally caught up in want or lack or a desire for some reciprocation. But lately as I give and be without a need for something in return, I sense a release of energy, a giving forth to the universe something substantial and substantive. I am refreshed for the next moment and delighted in the lightness of my step and the flow of joy in my heart.
I can see how regeneration happens when you let go of trying to force the outcome. I suspect that it is equivalent to putting a cover over a growing plant, the plant can't expand if it is constantly having to push against a force that doesn't want it to grow. I'm constantly pushing against my growth because I think I'm scared or I think it will mean bad things when I know better but more than anything, resistance to spiritual growth is really my ego not wanting to take FULL responsibility for my life. It's not easier living a life of victim-hood but it certainly has the illusion of being easier or perhaps it's just easier to blame anyone except myself.
There is the understanding in science that the human body is regenerative including the brain and there is this understanding within the tenants of spiritual enlightenment that suggest that we can renew ourselves at any time we choose and somewhere in the Bible it is said that we can know salvation through the renewing of our minds. This concept of renewal, regeneration is as old as it gets. It's inspiring to know that one can renew themselves because being a victim suggest that there is no hope for change. In my renewal I am looking to renew all aspects of my life from financial to psychological to family to friends, to work/career stuff to mental health to physical health to sexual health. Yeah, sexual health and I get the feeling that I'm going to be doing big things with helping myself as well as others get comfortable with the notion of sexual health, the idea of honoring the part of our being that needs and requires for optimal balance, we should engage in a fair amount of intimacy that includes sex.
The truth is, I like my sex like I like my meals, three times a day and right now I'm on a sexual starvation diet. I feel the imbalance in my spirit and I could turn to some form of recreational sex and I know it will do what it always does, leave me feeling empty and wanting and unsatisfied. Yet I take matters into my own hands, this remedy is short lived, it barely scratches the itch but it is better than nothing, better than the immediate alternative and better than subjecting myself to the unknown, the probability of really bad sex with a stranger. I get that sex is like brushing your teach and as integral apart of one's life as eating, sleeping and exercise. My insatiable appetite is a challenge for me when being single for a long periods of time. However, I find that I am creative in my foray of intimate play and I'd rather wait than subject myself to lovers who lack the wherewithal to satisfy me or are simply incapable of taping into the type of acts that are pleasing to me on a sexual level.
I've been thinking about a vision, in this space of time, I have created a website that evolves into much more but the more is vague to me at this time but it's a safe space for people to talk about sex, actually a anonymous site for black people to talk about sex, a place for people to come get advice or simply explore at a deeper level their sexuality. I imagine courses where women come together and look at the vajay jays (vaginas), much like what the sexologist Betty Dodson did back in the seventies. The idea feels remotely simple and possibly old fashion but at the same time it feels necessary, it feels right and I keep hearing my spirit call out to me to set this plan into motion.
I feel inspired this morning, some play with my sex toy evokes a sense of intimate pleasure, I'm reved up for the day and physically energized to meet the soul who will mate with me for the long term. I'm engaging this gentle push to explore this concept of sex for black people and I know that I have everything I need to develop something spectacular.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 18,2009 @ 7:12am

The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. God presents the best of life to me, and I am free to use my creative talent and energy as I will, affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com.
Happy Birthday Rhonda, little sister it has been a journey having you in my life and I'm a better person because of you.
At nine years old, my mother sat my brother and I down to tell us that she was having a baby. Essentially she was telling us that we would have a new brother or sister and honestly given the headaches I had from my younger brother, the thought of another pesky kid running around was not the least bit exciting to me but something happen. Something inside of my consciousness became a protective bee of my mother and the increase in roundness around her belly. I couldn't exactly imagine what might be growing in there but I felt it had to be something akin to a scene I had seen on national geographic when a mother kitten gave birth to her tiny blotches of new born kitties. These kitties were so small and looked like hair ball vomit but in time the kittens walked, meowed and suckeld milk from their mothers breast or they started to look normal. I don't recall ever touching my mother's belly because that seem appropriate, the belly seemed fragile and touching it could make something bad happen, where I came up with this, I'll never know but I do recall the sense of pride I had when in art class with a large piece of pink construction paper and a brown chalk like crayon, I drew the face of my mother and the my own face. In the end, I had created a portrait of my mother and I standing side by side, holding hands and where I assumed my post as protector of the thing that was growing inside of momma's belly. I wanted a girl of course and my brother wanted a boy. I won and on the day we found out the gender which coincided with th day Momma gave birth because back then, people didn't use ultrasound to determine the sex of the child, on this day, my brother rolled around on the ground in a fit of madness, my poor uncle tried to console him but he felt betrayed and more determined to make my life as miserable as possible or so I thought.
At ten years old and with a new sister, this catipulted my oldest child status into a new realm, one where I had even more responsibilities and it further made me feel different from most of my other peers who had an older brother or sister. Momma used the name I came up with to name my little sister, this always amazes me even until this day that her name came to me and my mother chose it. I could spend all day expressing the life of being an older sister and the good times and the bad but I will say this, having a little sister now is a joy to me. We are closer now than we've ever been and I feel safe knowing I have someone who I can depend on no matter what, it's almost like she's obligated but the truth is she isn't but I think we cherish our bond. I wish she didn't cherish the bond she has with my brother but it's like she said one day, I looked up to you guys almost like Gods or a parent and our approval means the world to her. I hadn't looked at my role as big sister in this way or at least I haven't looked at it in this way for a long time. Maybe the blessing in this moment is that given that I struggle to seek approval from my parents, at least I don't have older siblings or more people where I am trying to impress or live up to their expectations.
I love my sister, she is a rock star in my eyes, she is smart, brave, gorgeous, a really good mother (better than I'll ever be), determined, charismatic, expressive, a go-getter, funny, sensitive, affectionate, always wants the best for everyone, a fighter for justice, a wonderful advocate for her kids, family and friends and most of all she's just lovable. She may be emotional and stirs up drama but you've got to love that about her, she's living her best life and at least the one thing you can say about my sister is this, she's brutally honest. I take this day and learn from her, celebrate what she brings into my life and honor her divinity, in all of it's complexity. Today is the day God blessed me with a little sister, a friend for life and someone to love unconditionally. I love you Rhonda, may you have a life full of all your inner most desires and may you know the power and presence of unconditional love for all your days.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 17, 2009 @ 8:25am

I slept in this morning and it felt really good actually. I was dreaming all kind of stuff, none of which I can remember and probably nothing worth taking note about. But I did began to consider a question I was ask recently, well actually I've been asked this question over and over again. How is it that I know so much? It's an inquiry made when I am interviewing for jobs, people don't understand how I can be so knowledgeable and I'm not sure where that comes from or where this disbelief in my skills, where is rooted, where in their conscious or subconsciousness is this need to think that I'm not capable of knowing more than the average person.
I never respond the way I want to, I just dumb myself down or withdraw from the accolade and insist that there is so much that I don't know and this is the truth but this is not really the point. The point is this, I know everything you need me to know to do the job for which I am interviewing for at this time, so isn't that why resumes were requested and in the end, the real reason why you brought in for an interview but for some reason this basic logic is relished to the side lines, why I'll never really know. But the answer is this, as a black woman with children, I never felt like I had the luxury of NOT KNOWING, if anything I had to know plus two times as much as my colleagues only to get a fraction of consideration. I have never had the luxury of being on the unemployment line, like so many other people who had husbands or families or savings accounts. I never wanted to look into the eyes of my children and witness hunger and be in place where I was unable to comfort that basic need. I never wanted what happened to me, the days when living paycheck to paycheck meant the lights were cut off or the phone disconnected or the water shut down. I know that my mother did her best but I vowed to always do better, to always ensure a "real" sense of stability or at least normalcy.
I was a person who couldn't really afford or have time to get a degree because taking time away from making a living was too much of a burden. I failed to really enact a plan for my life, I just settled for the next best thing because that's all I knew how to do and that's all I could do in order to feed my family, keep a roof over their heads or put clothes on their backs. But I was clever enough to suck as much life, knowledge and newly acquired skills from each and every job I had, even from departments I didn't work in. Computers were hot and I knew it and I made it my business to know as much as possible which is why I'm a computer geek, to a degree. There really isn't a job that I can't do and there really isn't a job I won't do but that's not true. I'm old enough to stop working for people that are verbally and emotionally abusive. If I can run from partners who engage in non-loving actions, surely I can save myself from workplace discomforts.
I do work in places and for years with employers who treat me every day as if it were my first day, as if I don't know anything or as if the simple mistakes are indication of my stupidity. It behooves me that people treat others like this in the workplace, I get aggravated with their need to abuse others to make themselves feel good. I may have to make a financial sacrifice to be in a positive work environment, not that kind that inhibits my ability to provide basic needs but at the end of the day money isn't everything, it isn't what makes me truly happy. Money provides a level of comfort or the ability to attain certain kinds and types of material things but it's not substance of happiness. It hurts me when my kids act as if my not giving them a material thing or requested amounts of money, they make me feel as I don't love them. When did they learn to receive love through material things, was that or is this my fault? Why is my time and conversation not enough? Why can't my listening ear, words of encouragement or comfy shoulder be good enough?
I know what I know because I thought I had to know it to keep a job, to take care of myself and because I had to keep that stereotype of being a shiftless and lazy black person, I wanted that description to be the last thing someone ever said about me. I work hard to provide an example and to open doors for the next black woman that comes along. I work hard and know way too much for my 42 years because I wanted a better life not just for myself but for my kids, my community and ultimate my race. I know what I know because knowledge is power and with it I am able to stay a viable force in the employment race, so that I don't have to stand in the unemployment line because so much of my identity is tied into my work and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a job.
My saving grace is my heart, my curse is my passion and need for social justice for all. I do my best which tends to be really good or at least above average and yet in 2009, I am asked, how is it that you know so much? I'm not going to answer that question anymore, I'm just going to be the answer with my actions.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

March 16, 2009 @ 6:45am

I went outside to complete a releasing ceremony and to my surprise the stars were there in attendance. The gaze upward was more a reflex than a plan. I couldn't remember the last time I had seem the stars, the last time I had taken time out to even look and the last time I was so moved by the twinkling lights of the sky. It was an example of how significant I am and how insignificant I am in the bigger scheme of things. The flickering felt like morris code, I try to decipher the message coming to me from beyond this universe and the awesome way they arrange themselves in the black of night.
I am haunted this morning with worry about what others think of me. I try to remember that I am human, have been through things that people only hear about and that my past actions are no indication if the person I am right now. I get this feeling that I like or it's just an old habit to contend with the opinions and interpretations of others and to worry about it. Also, this edge of gear that keeps me procrastinating is another vice I hold unto as if my life depended on it. I'm trying not to be hard on myself but I am desperate to be done with these debilitating actions. It is nothing more than my own internal drama, I have rid myself of external drama and now I'm manifesting it on the inside. The whole victim-hood thing and it seems the closer I get to the light the more I want to run backwards, I want to hang on to a pillar as the wind of knowledge pushes me forward. When you know better, you do better if you choose to. Why when I have all the time in the world, why am I not stepping or diving head first into the opportunity to live out my dream is beyond me. I keep thinking it's just a phase but it's getting old and I want to just tell myself whatever but deep down inside I know better and deep down inside I want more for myself. Deep down inside I have come to the realization that I have what I need, that was clear when I wrote my morning pages yesterday and instead of running into everything I want, I am leaning on old understanding, back peddling because my ego is good at letting me know that I am not worthy. Well today I say to that part of myself, look self, I am worthy, I am moving forward and I won't let you control my life anymore, you are not in charge but I thank you for your presence, it gives me the contrast I need to be the best I can be and to my old self, you too can come, you too will reap the rewards of a life best lived in spirit and in truth. Let's just do this for a while, see how it feels and enjoy what comes. I'm interested in being in control of my own life, co-creating with spirit and experiencing the full engagement of living, the way living was meant to be. I'm done with victim-hood, done with the power of other people over my life and done with ego forcing me to live a fear based life.
I AM that I AM. One moment at a time, that's all it will ever take. Last nights ceremony was about releasing the need to control, releasing the need to feel victimize by others, the need to obsess about people who are not going to be emotionally available or people who are not choosing to be my friend. A surrender to spirit that I will draw unto me people who are good, who are loving and who are working on living their best life as well. I can do this. I am living the life that the divine energy has in store for me, I am.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.

March 15, 2009 @ 7:18am

It's a beautiful Sunday and I'm so excited about the weather, the shift upward in temperatures. I'm equally excited about feeling myself expand spiritually and mentally. I'm nearing the end of my third month of hibernation from the world of busyness that normally consumes my time and my mind. I feel such a sense about who I am, I'm so much more connected to what I want in life as well as these days have provided me a chance to heal from past wounds. And in some instances, I was able to grieve old, old, old incidents that I never had the chance or didn't allow myself the time and energy to properly mourn or have any type of feeling because I was afraid it would keep me from moving no where fast.
Some of the things I had a chance to revisit and adequately take time to ruminate with the emotions are the death of my daughter back in 1986. Between the guilt and the shame and the pain inflicted upon me from her father, my mother, my family as well as the church. Sitting with her death is not easy, not where my mind likes to wander but it is where I needed to go because so much of what holds me back starts with her death. I thought the ways in which I had dreamt of her future, made plans and most of all I gave her my middle name because I was intending on passing down something to her. I had planned on giving her the best part of me and I imagined times we would dress similarly or she would have mannerisms identical to mine or we might wear the same hairstyle or she would be my friend, my best friend and I would be her best friend, the person she could go to when she felt alone but the part that mourns me the most is the just the love I have for her, this sick feeling that enters me when I think of her, the rage I want to spew into the world because she left way too soon and the manifestation of self abuse I inflict upon myself because it's my fault she id dead, it's my neglect, it's my bad luck, it's my not deserving of something good and it's God's way of saying he doesn't love me at all or it's divine punishment. These are the real thoughts that sit with me, that penetrate my ways of living and it's hard for me to think that I can do better or be better or deserve better but then in each moment when I am really down, when I can't find the strength or the courage to keep living, every single time, I hear a sweet utterance in my mind, I suspect it's God telling me that I'm okay, that I'm loved and I deserve to live. And of course, I don't want to believe it but I ressurect so that I can work my way to believing all that I've been told but it seems when I am just on the brink of embracing the truth I tend to slip down that slippery rope where I latch on to drama and heartache, engage in self destructive behaviors and send my mind down that dark tunnel where death is inevitable. They say when it's our time to go, you go, well I don't believe this because it's been my time to go many a times, I should of been dead by now considering all of the stupid things, the near misses and the way I courted death like a soul mate, I should be dead right now but here I am writing my morning pages. I get the feeling that in all the ways I thought I didn't want to live, I really did want to live but didn't know it. My conscious mind might of had plans for a dramatic death but clearly my subconscious mind was armored with an energy focused on living. It just happened the old light bulb. My subconscious is really rooting for me to live my best life, it has the power to keep me going when I think I don't want to. Inside of me is something that has an amazing fighting spirit, an amazing positive outlook, an amazing soothing voice that compels me to see more than what is visible to the eye. I keep thinking when am I going to get things right but it's not about getting things right, it's about using what's inside of me and expressing it outwardly, I have everything I need, I have God inside of me. I keep thinking I need to work to pull God inside of me but the power and presence of the holy spirit is within me, always has been and forever will. My neglect of this fact is profound but I rejoice in this new found knowledge, I take inventory and appreciate what I have. I keep thinking that this spiritual enlightenment stuff is about work or doing or whatever but in this moment of complete clarity and expansion, I recognize that to see that my subconscious is the God force working in my life is the gift and it's effortless, it's what is. It's my instinct, my inner knowing, my gut feeling, my intuition or what I suspect is really the truth. It is this that has brought me to this point in my life, it is this that has spared my life on way too many occasions and it is this that keeps me open to the endless possibilities. My expansion is this very moment when I embrace the inner essence of who I am and enjoy knowing I am more than capable of living my life is goodness and in truth. I'm in awe, the energy is a tingling sensation running throughout my body and a kind of dullness which has me saying, um. Really what I am saying to myself is, is this all there is? Is this it? Because for the better part of my life I thought it would be more mystical, magical, more difficult, more intricate, more challenging, more quizzical, harder to comprehend or just plain genius level type of information. And once again, the closer I get to the light, the easier, the simpler, the less work I have to do which behooves me because I thought that it was all about work, more work and all the work that I could muster. No it's just my subconscious mind, that is wherein God lies and by simply taking a moment to tap into that, my life is perfect.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!

March 14, 2009 @ 6:37am

This morning is full of revelation and reflect insight. I have a confession, not within the vain of typical confessions, it is more an understanding or fact I have fallen upon within the last few months. It came about when I began to manifest some deep and abiding inner feelings for another individual and in this space of future considerations of our connectedness which now seems all together highly unlikely, I fantacize about a series of events. One such event was simple and typical, it was the act of being told that I was loved but not just told with words, but uttered as a by-product of actions that spoke this truth far more eloquently than the sound of it slipping between the person's lips. It was at that moment in the fantasy that I came to know a truth that had escaped me all these years. A true that should of left me traumatized but instead I choose to embrace it's possibility. The truth was that in the 42 years of living, I have never had a black man ever say to me with sincere meaning or unconditionally, I have never heard the words bellow from the mouth of a black man the words, I LOVE YOU! And as potentially tragic as it is, it's just a simple fact and despite this truth, I remain loyal and determined to await the day when one black man finds it in himself to express this truth.
This revelation feels bitter sweet in lieu of our current American reality, one steeped in a presidency headed by a black man. I am optimistic and cautious. I am witnessing his love for another black woman and that gives me hope. I am yearning with a belief steeped in a spiritual understanding that the sum of my past does not have to dictate my future or the very moment that I am in right now. It is not a point I will dwell on, simply reflect on and move into the truth that I so genuinely want to experience. I have faith, I have hope and I have God.
Love is a funny thing and it seems more strange now more than ever. It feels like a distant memory on the cinematic landscape that hypnotizes people into believing a faulty perception of love. I am guilty of embracing this melodramatic, big-screen kind of love but this love never last, never unfolds in any way substantial or with substance. This new way of thinking has afforded me the chance to reflect, caused me a moment of pause as I veer towards accepting the gift of love that is indwelling and expresses outwardly when I see the God in others. I enjoy those moments when I am so in awe of another but not in a jealous way but more in a appreciative way. A way that is tantilized by the creativity that is manifested in another human being, how interesting God is for molding into human form another divine inspiration. I can't help but feel overjoyed and tickled at the beauty of it all. My admiring spirit relishes the moment more, seeks to express within this reality and I humbled to be in the presence of such greatness. I had a thought last night or was it this morning about the brain. Maybe our spiritual journey isn't about anything other than maximizing the use of our brain, for it si the largest internal organ and it controls everything yet we use so little of it.
This whole notion of sizing people up is prevalent in our social culture. This need to see someone and using our brain computer, diagnose or prescribe or project some understanding unto the person without getting to know them is crazy. And this is why so many people feel so lonely because people never really get to know other people, at least not really. We see them, we think we know who they are based on our past experience with people who are similar or not. We have a brief encounter and we are certain we know everything about them. And then there are those of us who allow others to tell us about other people without having our own experience with them and then when we meet them, we project the knowledge we have unto them and thus having the experience we expected because that's all the space we will allow with the person. I'm guilty of this and the older I get, the more ingrained this habit becomes but it was a joyous moment when I allowed this habitual dysfunctional characteristic, I allowed it to sit on the side lines as I opened myself up to another human being without regard for anything. I allowed myself to discover who they were without the need to predict or expect or require anything of them. But most pleasing was the unconditional nature of my acts, I just simply enjoyed who they were, I embraced their truth, I required nothing in return and I was humbled to have been in their presence because all I could see in them was God. I liked this about myself, this ability to engage with other spiritual beings this way and I yearn for it to happen more and more because I feel utterly alive when interacting from this place of pure love and interest. Why I can't do this every day or find more people to feel this way about is my own social conditioning, my own governance about what is socially acceptable and it's a bunch of bolonga.
Interestingly more inspiring was this notion that if we are all human beings with the same capacity then the expectations from one person to another is the same irrespective of gender, race, creed, ethnicity, etc. This means that all that business about men being different from women in a mental, psychological or spiritual sense is completely wrong. Men can love unconditionally, men can express their motions, men can tell the people they love that they love them verbally as well as in action. Men have the same brain, therefore they have the ability to engage life just like anyone else and this is the crime of the century when we think otherwise. This is why Jesus roamed the earth teaching us to step into our greatness and as a man he was trying to emphasize how this expression of spiritual truth is available to men as well as women yet men have taken Jesus and put him in a box. Sized him up as something to aspire to as oppose to confirmation of a man's ability to love unconditionally and with feeling and intimate, loving expression. Men have the same brain as women, they may have, well actually they have biological differences but these have nothing to do with how they can express themselves in the social construct of human interaction. I believe the biological is more about adaptive living. So, if men have the same brain, then I am assured that a black man has the same brain and therefore has the capacity to love and express love and that this exchange of mutual love is available to me just like it is available to all human beings on the planet.
All Jesus was trying to say to us is use more of your brain. The scripture suggest that he understood that those that would come after him would have greater capacity or greater ability to tap into their God force, their divine internal energy. And with humans averaging only about ten percent of their brain, we have so much farther to go. Maybe we should hold contest that require humans to use more of their brain because right now, as far as I can tell from television and the media, people are using less of their brain and this concerns. It all boils down to brain usage. I thought that this issue more complicated than this but it's really quite simple. Nothing science rocket about how humans will evolve, no secret really. We want to cloak it in all of this new age mumble jumble and paint it into something that people may struggle to achieve when the truth is simple, so simple even a little kid could figure it out. We have devised a culture where we regurgitate the same old, same old because we are not willing to do to the work to increase our brain activity. We want to think that this ability is only within a chosen few, no it's in all of us. I can't help but feel like this knowledge is so in alignment with everything that I have read as it pertains to spiritual enlightenment. To control the mind is not the answer, to expand the mind is the key step to living a more fulfilling life. It is the getting unstuck, the escaping the box we put ourselves in, the breaking free of social constraints that don't serve humanity anymore especially those that were created thousands of years ago. Also, I say this with all the love and support and in non-judgment, people have to be willing to be their own leader and to stop feeling this need to fit in or follow the crowd. I feel blessed in this regard because I have never been a follower although in some ways I am held back because of some need to be socially acceptable but the older I get the less of this I need. I am excited to figure out new ways to use more of my brain, to increase the amount I use in any given day, in any given moment and for the rest of my living life.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE YOU!

March 13, 2009 @ 8:40am

It has taken me 11 minutes to actually get to the page this morning, if it isn't one thing it's another and that's okay. I seem to be at a lost for words, not really just my mind is consume with so much stuff and so I'll start with today's affirmation from science of mind website: The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. My own song reveals itself in so many ways, through my love of life, of others, and in my creativity. I am a true artist in my self expression.
What a psalm or mantra for the artist in me. I like the notion that the way one expresses themselves creatively is through song. I love to sing in the shower that is. It's not that I can't sing, in fact I'm a decent singer, pretty good by some standards but it has always been the thing that I just do much like being funny. I sing because I love the way I can carry a melody into my surrounding. I like when the rhythm is catchy or has meaning or is simply sang to comfort others or show my appreciation. I often wonder how I came to sing because I don't remember ever learning or a particular start date, I just recall singing.
As I wrestle with the part of me that is creative, I am learning to be gentle, to be present and allow for my muse to take over and move my mental mayhem out of the way. It's almost like I'm scared, what exactly I am scared of I can't seem to tap into. Of course, there is this memory of being told to be something but not an artist and I think most artist get this message in one way or another. When I think about this time in my youth, I yearn for the innocence, the conviction to whatever I want without regard to other people. I miss that need to be right and the shear magnitude of energy that I would draw upon just to prove someone wrong. Now I settle for, settle in or just plain old settle, I want that arrogant sense of entitlement back again, I liked myself when I was habitually rebellious and had righteous indignation for authority. I look back at many moments where I stood on my own two feet with an innate understanding of my power to effect change and how I came to weigh my spirit down with guilt is beyond my comprehension at this moment or I am in a deep denial. It's not denial it's the way I want to skirt around the truth and pretend as if being a victim is like wearing Prada or Jimmy Choo, name brands I have never aspired to wear yet the only reason I am aware of them is because I've watched two episodes of Ugly Betty, which by the way, the name of that show annoys me to no end, but I heard the names of those two designers and it stuck with me. I guess instead of being materialistic and a mass consumer, I have made my consumption choice with victimology and the need to have a low dose of self worth. I keep battling with myself about worth and this is why every morning I have to read the same passage over and over again about God's grace and the goodness has for me because with each read I gain about a micro ounce of self worth and considering that most of my mind is taken up with this stupid sense of no self worth, every millibit of prayer takes over but it's at such a small amount I can't seem to diffuse or out manuver the part of me that seems to want to be a victim, to be engage in a mental status of not feeling worthy and it makes no sense when I look at the facts.
The fact is this, I have always been blessed, I have always accessed God's grace when I least expect it and with great results. I have been a continual recipient of the goodness that is all around me and I am an expression of that goodness in many instances when no one else will rise to the occassion. The joy I feel day in and day out is part of that, it's as if I won't let goodness take a hold of me. But I find it interesting that I will and would and can let negativity grip me for long periods of time. I think what I am learning in this morning is that it's all right to have a good life, it's all right to be a continuous expression of good and I am worthy of the goodness that surrounds me, it is my birth right, the stuff that spirit had in store for me but not only me but for everyone and everything. I'm alright. I'm doing well and it feels simply marvelous. I love the way I am taking such good care of myself. The way in which I am honoring my truth and this sense of awakening that is happening in each moment, I am overhoyed and filled with the power and the presence of divine love. It just is, I'm aright and it's okay.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!