April 7, 2009 @ 7:59am

It happened around 3:00pm, it dawned on me that I had not done my morning pages. I was so focused on sewing the buttons on this coat that I rarely wear but actually was a good coat for what I was wearing or in truth, what I was trying to hide. And then I call myself focused on preparing for this interview today. I was many places this morning, meandering over this and that but in reality, it is the morning rant that keeps me in alignment and I felt off kilter all day. Yet, I am here, I'm alive and feeling good. My spirits are high and I am grateful for a wonderful day.
I'm coming more and more into myself, more and more into a deeper understanding of who I am and what I want with my life. It became clear to me today that I don't want to sit on my behind for 8 hours a day, that's not going to work for me. I want to move around, do different things and I want to be on my feet, move this body of mine and get outside more. I'm feeling especially fat today which might be the impetus of this need for movement. Also, I'm really excited about spring although with fresh new snow on the ground, I remain helpful, I mean hopeful but maybe the word help is right By thinking spring, I am moving spring into being and it is this deeply rooted hope that helps spring want to come into full submission. What I enjoy most is the sun, the rays that fall upon this earth in symmetry and in sync with all that appears. I love it when the light of the sun makes the world seem open, simple and bright. I can only sing my favorite song, you are the sunshine of my life. I have this connection to the solar plexus of our timid universe, I bemoan her strength in the summer and beg for her presence in the winter. She is beholden to us yet it is merely an offer, effortless and divine.
I get more poetic in the evening because my mind is winding down, I release the need to control the word, the sentence structure or the thought. I am loose in my communication. I am exposed for all to witness with my unfettered desires. I'm tipping into this way of being that feels a bit different than anything that I know and I feel a calming power drizzle over my being. The last time I felt this way was when I was a kid and full of unknowing, full of un-conditioning and full of endlessness. When I was a kid, I could dream of flying like the people on the Jetsons, I could imagine having super powers like wonder woman and I could act out being whatever I wanted to be. It's adulthood and it's tight hold on creative expression and impossible thoughts, I get tired of being grown up because it's boring and feels like a prison sentence. Responsibility is nothing more than the bars on a cell that prevent me from stepping out of line, even is that something is good for the planet or positive for mankind. Following the social rules is the true prison cell, the place where I confine myself to behavior suitable or within cultural standards. People lie likes it's nothing and this is socially acceptable and then when I tell the truth, I'm considered crazy. People hold back on what they really want and I attempt the impossible and I'm considered mental insane. And people pretend to love God but blame the devil for all there wrong doing but when I meditate, communicate the presence of the holy spirit as the air I breathe, something is wrong with me, I am too esoteric or too out there. No I am in here, I am within my reality, the truth of who I am and it's free of drama but don't hate me for peace.
Last night I gave myself permission to love. I love a certain man and although we may not ever connect in any formal or informal way or in any tangible or intangible way, I have decided to hold onto the love I have for him because it feels good, it is a nice thing to experience and because it didn't manifest because of something he did but from a place of intuition and connectedness. What I love about this feeling is that it's steeped in a feeling so unconditional that it has no boundaries or expectation. But what excites me the most, is the experience, the experience of having this love for another soul and the only thing that can happen from here, because of my choice to simply embrace it, is that I will share this love with another who will reflect back to me this same feeling. That's what so amazing about it, it's almost as if I needed to have this experience, it is my preparation for something divinely mutual. Plus I'd rather sit around loving someone then sitting around hating. I like the small prayer I say in my heart for him and how this has inspired me to extend this prayer to all humans across the planet. This love has opened me up, made me a better person and filled my days with complete and utter joy. More overly, it has resurrected the love I have for myself, it has put me a space where I get to know me better and Each day I honor more and more of who I really am. I recognize the spirit within and I don't feel so all alone, I feel lifted by love, I feel enveloped with peace and I am consciously open to the grace of God. I love him and that's the way it will always be, may he feel this love and may the love inside of him sustains his life forever and ever.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME