April 6, 2009 @ 6:23am

Went to go for a short run/walk this morning and I glanced out the window not thinking too much about the white reflection on the ground. But when I opened the door, the reflection wasn't my imagination it was snow. I'm surprised, I had a plan this morning and the sound of ice falling to the ground shifted my plan. I looked at the snow with grace, I didn't curse it which was a typical response, I went to put on my winter gear, some of which has been packed up and some of which is here and there. I made my resolve to do something else because trotting through the wet mush wasn't the vision I had and I thanked the snow for sharing it's last vestiges of winter.
I'm putting into place some goals for myself, I'm becoming so much clearer about the importance of some of my personal goals and I'm feeling a sense of peace knowing the direction for which I would like my life to go.
I was listening to Rev., Moira once again, I think I had played this podcast before but something about the message this time really resonated with me. I've been really asking myself what is my purpose and wanting to get the perfect answer. I get the sense I have an answer but I wasn't really wanting to listen. Also, I had been getting this sense of loneliness, not the depressing, debiliatating or yearning for more people kind of loneliness but this middle ground of being unsure about my life's direction. And it was an odd feeling because to call it loneliness would be inadequate, would only touch on the vacancy of what I was feeling. Furthermore, I kept saying to myself, I'm not unhappy, I'm not without connection to others, I'm not sad, I'm not depressed and I'm not feeling like doing anything stupid, it's just I was in this space in time when I felt alone. Rev. Moira says that this feeling is the yearning to return to our true selves, this unfettered emotion of longing for the self that is completely in union with spirit yet it is effortless. And it is an indication that the things that a person is engaged with may not be the work of their unique calling.
There is this angst I feel every so often, I tend to think of it as being indecisive but I am learning that it's that innate part of me saying something about what I am doing. I get this feeling that what I am doing is not what I really want to be doing. I'm so in this habit of having clear desires and always restructuring them so as to be in alignment with what is contemporary. This is so true about my writing, I get so drained of energy when I write like I think I'm suppose to as oppose to writing the way I would want to. To write with my own unique fire but then I want to be published, right? I want to experiment with the page, I want to do different things and I want to write what I want to write. Here I am in this space of loneliness with my writing, a yearning for something more, something definitively my own.
From the science of mind website, the affirmation states: Today I ask, "What must I do, God?" I follow my guidance. I take the steps. I take action. It's humbling to be in a space of asking, requesting and begging for answers. It is rewarding to know that there is an answer whether it be tangibly or in theory or of the mind, so to speak. I like the part in the affirmation that says, I take action. In the end, taking some action is about all we can do and that action could be nothing or it could be a series of actions, some actions will require work, thinking while some will be as easy as breathing. Loneliness is really my way of saying to the universe, I'm taking steps toward the divine truth, now all I need are the actions required to fulfill my purpose. I'm ready for to do what I must do to live with an abundance of peace and love.
This morning when I open the door and was greeted with the snow, I stood there and witnessed nature it is splendor, I witnessed nature being unique and fulfilling it's purpose and I witnessed nature being itself without regard to what others might think or feel. That's why I enter into the abyss of loneliness because I'm still invested in what others think and feel. I'm still bogged down with some people pleasing needs and when I let go I will walk over to the other side, I will snow in April, so to speak and I will do so knowing that all is in divine order.
I recall a conversation with a dear friend about back up plans and just as I thought about it, I realized I was wrong about back up plans, they are not necessarily fodder that keeps one from reaching their ultimate goal, these back up plans could be part of the expansion of the plan, the place where one gets their footing, get the lessons they need to grow and be. I realize in this moment of epiphany that plans are just that plans and life is more complicated than plans, sometimes these detours are some of life's most precious gifts. Detours often bring us back to our true selves, sometimes they expose us to things that allow our growth to jump at a rapid pace and sometimes these detours put certain people into our frame of life for purposes beyond our comprehension. I see now that this loneliness is me wanting me again, the old me, the adventurous me, the feisty me, the me that didn't care what others think because I was grounded in a knowing so deep and profound, no one could pull me from my path. I'm not lonely for people or places or things, I'm lonely for me, the me that lives in the depths of humanitarian love. Sure I have made many of mistakes and I suspect I will make many more and my saving grace has been and continues to the connection I know I have with something greater than myself. When I am at my so called all=time low, I stop playing God and let the divine intervene, this is where surrender is sweet and foreboding slips to the wayside, slithers into the ground and dissipates. It is the simple that I desire and it is the simple I will get and if I'm completely honest with myself, there will still be moments of chaos and public scrutiny, the difference between now and then is that I have the tools to deal with any situation that comes, including snow in April.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!