March 8, 2009 @ 8:16am

Good Morning Life and what wonderful Sunday morning it is. I feel good, well rested and full of life force. This morning has come with a bit of reflection on my past. I had a dream last night that I returned to my former employer, the short term, two month employment adventure I recently had. The dream felt so real when I awake, I was completely surprised and almost sad about it. Which really surprised me because I hadn't really thought that I wanted to return, I thought I had pretty much made up my mind but something inside of me was glad to be back and it wasn't because of the money. I got this sense that being back was an opportunity for me to learn some lessons. It was a chance to have a "do over." I appreciated my desire to accept that it wasn't all me and wasn't all the job but something in the middle. I hadn't really understood until this dream that going back is a two way street, it is the place where I accept what I did right and wrong as well as the other party accepting what they did right and wrong but more overly, the mutual belief in one another with a kind of forgiveness and willingness to do better the second time around. This may be what I'm experiencing at my current job for which I returned, I get this feeling that we are all doing better, attempting to get it right this time and I sense this reciprocal desire to work together. All of which makes me think about relationships and how easily I see people giving up or abandoning. Maybe what we all need to do is consider the part we played in the whole situation and admit that we have short comings but that with time and patience we can overcome. I couldn't believe how real the dream seemed, I was back there and I was content, I was thankful, I was vulnerable but in a good way but most of all I was present with the situation which afforded me the mindset to really appreciate what I had. Honestly, I was completely let down to learn it was a dream and this in itself was truly surprising. That feeling haunts me this morning, not in a menacing or scary way but in a way that forces me to expand my thinking about how I conduct my life.
I dreamt that I had a woman lover, actually it was someone I know from the past. We were at the Ann Arbor Art Fair walking down state street with a little kid, the kid was related to me but I'm not sure how. I was so engrossed in my interaction with this woman I lost the kid and woke up before I found the little girl. This aspect of my dreams is enchanting and intrigues me because I thought I had pretty much stopped considering having a relationship with a woman. But in the dream I felt loved, I felt safe, I felt open, I felt comfortable and I felt as if the relationship would last a lifetime. Although it mildly concerns me that I lost a little child but if I remember correctly, the child would appear and this disappear and then reappear, so the presence of a child seems a bit scattered. I thought it was my niece Tarra but I kept calling the child Jaime or something to this affect. I also remember picking up all this cool freebies of key chains, black with white writing, some with interesting shapes and I recall one that was oval shaped and similar to the plastic coin holders of my youth. The kind you would squeeze with your fingers and the slit would come open and you would drop your coins into it. I enjoy details like these in my dreams, the way I am able to traverse time and be reunited with something from my past. More overly, I was so into the way this woman lover held me, wrapped her arms around me and continuous held my hand, never letting go of me. It is indicative of what I truly desire in a relationship without any of the negative stuff that generally comes with that type of attention like jealousy, possessiveness, domination or violence. Our connectedness felt free and easy. It was effortless and without force or coercion. It was as natural as breathing and I appreciated the knowing that we both had about our union.
Dreaming is a random occurrence for me, I'm ultimately always surprised when I remember and can draw something interesting from the thoughts I have at night. I get the sense they are in direct response to the days meanderings. A kind of deciphering of what is contained within my subconscious, the true nature of my being and my most inner thoughts. I don't necessarily feel the need to conclude that they are my true thoughts, particularly when it's something my current mind isn't willing to accept but it is fodder for my journey toward being a better person.
I continue to hear the voice of the holy spirit tell me that my job is simply to be, to honor what is inside of me and to allow the universal force aid and guide me into my best life. I've spent my whole life feeling as if I'm suppose to be doing something, or doing for others or just doing for the sake of doing. It is not only a relief but the hardest thing to accept that I don't have to do as much as I think I should be in order to have the kind of life that I desire. I walked to the library yesterday and so engrossed in the walk I didn't look to see if my car was still in the lot, it didn't matter at that moment because more than anything I wanted to move my feet on a path toward the library, the car wasn't a necessary consideration because I wasn't going to use it but the joy of knowing I have a car and can use it at any point was an after thought, a luxury and not important mental work at the time. The walk was stupendous, I saw a woman across the way walking really fast and at first I wanted to compete but then I reminded myself in a gently fashion that today I am merely walking, strolling around town. Albeit with a destination in mind, time is of no consideration, just the power of being in my moment, witnessing the endless beauty of trees that line our streets, the force of air now coddled with humidity and higher temperatures, the battered grass blistered by shovels and grappling with turned over dirt, the residual litter now in full focus after being hidden in inches of snow for several months, there I was seeing what was around me for once instead of being in mind and distant from the essence of reality. What a grand day followed with a grand night of dreams I shall contemplate and consider. This is living and I can live like this forever.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.