March 26, 2009 @ 6:33am

I've got two things on my mind, job interview and sexuality. Two very different and yet not so diametrically opposed subject topics. The sexuality issue arose yesterday when I had a chance to watch the Oprah show, I promised myself I wouldn't watch the show anymore but there I was lazily on my son' s bed watching and yet I felt as if I was meant to watch it yesterday. It was the first time when I felt this complex issue of my sexuality was not only being affirmed but recognized. For the lack of a better word, I call myself bisexual as a way for people to understand me but really I don't feel as if I'm bisexual, I feel like I like who I like when I like them and I must confess when I am attracted to women, I am only attracted to women but when I'm in my fluid phase of being attracted to men, like I am right now, I only want a man. And never shall the two meet and yet I feel as if I am often challenged because I have had relations with both. The word fluidity sound apropo because I sense this shift, it's fluid and not easily describable but it just happens. It has been a while sense I had really been interested in men beyond getting some basic sexual needs met and then all of a sudden I found myself attracted to a man, undeniably attracted and even in this moment, I still have this inner instinctual sensation about him. The feeling isn't mutual so I'm mentally and emotionally moving on but the shear delight I have found in desiring this man has been amazing. And what complicates matter for me right now is my lack of desire for anyone else, male or female. What I've come to understand about myself is that when I like someone it is irrespective of their gender, it their soul that speaks to me and it's rare for me to come across someone who I am deeply attracted to and someone with whom I want to connect with, where the energy arises from a place inside of me. I keep trying to shake this feeling and it's challenging. In just this moment an epiphany has come to the fore. The truth is this I'm not going to really shake the feeling, I enjoy the adoration I have for this man and find it one of the purest feelings I've had in a long time. I'm proud to be in a space of unconditional love for another human being, allows me to know life more tangibly. So I understand that I can't simply shake the feeling, I can only allow it to be what it is or subside in it's own time or more accurately, I suspect that it will linger until such a time when I meet another person with whom I feel connected to on a spiritual level or within my soul consciousness or whatever this thing is. So I surrender to the divinity of my attraction, it is a good thing to like someone without the need for them to be anything for you, to allow them to be who they are without expectation. I'm confident that I will meet another who will cause me to take pause and I am more than confident that the next time I find myself instantly attracted to someone, the feeling will be mutual. The energy will permeate our connection and we will engage the dance of long-term committed intimacy.
As for the job interview, I'm doing my best to make peace with the situation. It's part time gig and I get the feeling it's a good move for me at this time. I'm wanting something else but I'm really attempting, no I am open to the vastness of endless opportunities. I sense something good about the position, something intangible and there is a part of me that wants to leave the place where I am working at right now but maybe that time hasn't come and maybe with good reason, reasons I can't comprehend but the type of reason that will open up space for more spiritual understanding. There is a lesson in all of this, there is something for me in this situation and who knows what miracle could happen. I know no longer feel the need to control my life, to concoct elaborate plans, I give it over to the holy spirit because more than anything I want to live a better life, a life based on truth and in a spirit of peaceful, joy-filled and comforting unconditional love. Time out for games, time out for superficial play acting, time out for dumbing down, time out for pleasing other people, time out for misery, time out for ego based living, time out for fear based living and time out for unnecessary drama. Time in for long walks in the park with honest communication, time in for home cooked meals laced with love and food from the garden I grow, time in for sex with passion, time in for self acceptance, time in for self care, time in for a more meaningful connection to my higher power, time in for the simple things like laughter, continual physical affection, listening, quiet understanding, foot & back rubs, kisses on the hand, slow living, abundant joy, immeasurable prosperity, unspeakable peace of mind and the complete penetration and expression of LOVE in every space of my being.
I am perfect and I whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!