March 16, 2009 @ 6:45am

I went outside to complete a releasing ceremony and to my surprise the stars were there in attendance. The gaze upward was more a reflex than a plan. I couldn't remember the last time I had seem the stars, the last time I had taken time out to even look and the last time I was so moved by the twinkling lights of the sky. It was an example of how significant I am and how insignificant I am in the bigger scheme of things. The flickering felt like morris code, I try to decipher the message coming to me from beyond this universe and the awesome way they arrange themselves in the black of night.
I am haunted this morning with worry about what others think of me. I try to remember that I am human, have been through things that people only hear about and that my past actions are no indication if the person I am right now. I get this feeling that I like or it's just an old habit to contend with the opinions and interpretations of others and to worry about it. Also, this edge of gear that keeps me procrastinating is another vice I hold unto as if my life depended on it. I'm trying not to be hard on myself but I am desperate to be done with these debilitating actions. It is nothing more than my own internal drama, I have rid myself of external drama and now I'm manifesting it on the inside. The whole victim-hood thing and it seems the closer I get to the light the more I want to run backwards, I want to hang on to a pillar as the wind of knowledge pushes me forward. When you know better, you do better if you choose to. Why when I have all the time in the world, why am I not stepping or diving head first into the opportunity to live out my dream is beyond me. I keep thinking it's just a phase but it's getting old and I want to just tell myself whatever but deep down inside I know better and deep down inside I want more for myself. Deep down inside I have come to the realization that I have what I need, that was clear when I wrote my morning pages yesterday and instead of running into everything I want, I am leaning on old understanding, back peddling because my ego is good at letting me know that I am not worthy. Well today I say to that part of myself, look self, I am worthy, I am moving forward and I won't let you control my life anymore, you are not in charge but I thank you for your presence, it gives me the contrast I need to be the best I can be and to my old self, you too can come, you too will reap the rewards of a life best lived in spirit and in truth. Let's just do this for a while, see how it feels and enjoy what comes. I'm interested in being in control of my own life, co-creating with spirit and experiencing the full engagement of living, the way living was meant to be. I'm done with victim-hood, done with the power of other people over my life and done with ego forcing me to live a fear based life.
I AM that I AM. One moment at a time, that's all it will ever take. Last nights ceremony was about releasing the need to control, releasing the need to feel victimize by others, the need to obsess about people who are not going to be emotionally available or people who are not choosing to be my friend. A surrender to spirit that I will draw unto me people who are good, who are loving and who are working on living their best life as well. I can do this. I am living the life that the divine energy has in store for me, I am.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.