March 17, 2009 @ 8:25am

I slept in this morning and it felt really good actually. I was dreaming all kind of stuff, none of which I can remember and probably nothing worth taking note about. But I did began to consider a question I was ask recently, well actually I've been asked this question over and over again. How is it that I know so much? It's an inquiry made when I am interviewing for jobs, people don't understand how I can be so knowledgeable and I'm not sure where that comes from or where this disbelief in my skills, where is rooted, where in their conscious or subconsciousness is this need to think that I'm not capable of knowing more than the average person.
I never respond the way I want to, I just dumb myself down or withdraw from the accolade and insist that there is so much that I don't know and this is the truth but this is not really the point. The point is this, I know everything you need me to know to do the job for which I am interviewing for at this time, so isn't that why resumes were requested and in the end, the real reason why you brought in for an interview but for some reason this basic logic is relished to the side lines, why I'll never really know. But the answer is this, as a black woman with children, I never felt like I had the luxury of NOT KNOWING, if anything I had to know plus two times as much as my colleagues only to get a fraction of consideration. I have never had the luxury of being on the unemployment line, like so many other people who had husbands or families or savings accounts. I never wanted to look into the eyes of my children and witness hunger and be in place where I was unable to comfort that basic need. I never wanted what happened to me, the days when living paycheck to paycheck meant the lights were cut off or the phone disconnected or the water shut down. I know that my mother did her best but I vowed to always do better, to always ensure a "real" sense of stability or at least normalcy.
I was a person who couldn't really afford or have time to get a degree because taking time away from making a living was too much of a burden. I failed to really enact a plan for my life, I just settled for the next best thing because that's all I knew how to do and that's all I could do in order to feed my family, keep a roof over their heads or put clothes on their backs. But I was clever enough to suck as much life, knowledge and newly acquired skills from each and every job I had, even from departments I didn't work in. Computers were hot and I knew it and I made it my business to know as much as possible which is why I'm a computer geek, to a degree. There really isn't a job that I can't do and there really isn't a job I won't do but that's not true. I'm old enough to stop working for people that are verbally and emotionally abusive. If I can run from partners who engage in non-loving actions, surely I can save myself from workplace discomforts.
I do work in places and for years with employers who treat me every day as if it were my first day, as if I don't know anything or as if the simple mistakes are indication of my stupidity. It behooves me that people treat others like this in the workplace, I get aggravated with their need to abuse others to make themselves feel good. I may have to make a financial sacrifice to be in a positive work environment, not that kind that inhibits my ability to provide basic needs but at the end of the day money isn't everything, it isn't what makes me truly happy. Money provides a level of comfort or the ability to attain certain kinds and types of material things but it's not substance of happiness. It hurts me when my kids act as if my not giving them a material thing or requested amounts of money, they make me feel as I don't love them. When did they learn to receive love through material things, was that or is this my fault? Why is my time and conversation not enough? Why can't my listening ear, words of encouragement or comfy shoulder be good enough?
I know what I know because I thought I had to know it to keep a job, to take care of myself and because I had to keep that stereotype of being a shiftless and lazy black person, I wanted that description to be the last thing someone ever said about me. I work hard to provide an example and to open doors for the next black woman that comes along. I work hard and know way too much for my 42 years because I wanted a better life not just for myself but for my kids, my community and ultimate my race. I know what I know because knowledge is power and with it I am able to stay a viable force in the employment race, so that I don't have to stand in the unemployment line because so much of my identity is tied into my work and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a job.
My saving grace is my heart, my curse is my passion and need for social justice for all. I do my best which tends to be really good or at least above average and yet in 2009, I am asked, how is it that you know so much? I'm not going to answer that question anymore, I'm just going to be the answer with my actions.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.