March 15, 2009 @ 7:18am

It's a beautiful Sunday and I'm so excited about the weather, the shift upward in temperatures. I'm equally excited about feeling myself expand spiritually and mentally. I'm nearing the end of my third month of hibernation from the world of busyness that normally consumes my time and my mind. I feel such a sense about who I am, I'm so much more connected to what I want in life as well as these days have provided me a chance to heal from past wounds. And in some instances, I was able to grieve old, old, old incidents that I never had the chance or didn't allow myself the time and energy to properly mourn or have any type of feeling because I was afraid it would keep me from moving no where fast.
Some of the things I had a chance to revisit and adequately take time to ruminate with the emotions are the death of my daughter back in 1986. Between the guilt and the shame and the pain inflicted upon me from her father, my mother, my family as well as the church. Sitting with her death is not easy, not where my mind likes to wander but it is where I needed to go because so much of what holds me back starts with her death. I thought the ways in which I had dreamt of her future, made plans and most of all I gave her my middle name because I was intending on passing down something to her. I had planned on giving her the best part of me and I imagined times we would dress similarly or she would have mannerisms identical to mine or we might wear the same hairstyle or she would be my friend, my best friend and I would be her best friend, the person she could go to when she felt alone but the part that mourns me the most is the just the love I have for her, this sick feeling that enters me when I think of her, the rage I want to spew into the world because she left way too soon and the manifestation of self abuse I inflict upon myself because it's my fault she id dead, it's my neglect, it's my bad luck, it's my not deserving of something good and it's God's way of saying he doesn't love me at all or it's divine punishment. These are the real thoughts that sit with me, that penetrate my ways of living and it's hard for me to think that I can do better or be better or deserve better but then in each moment when I am really down, when I can't find the strength or the courage to keep living, every single time, I hear a sweet utterance in my mind, I suspect it's God telling me that I'm okay, that I'm loved and I deserve to live. And of course, I don't want to believe it but I ressurect so that I can work my way to believing all that I've been told but it seems when I am just on the brink of embracing the truth I tend to slip down that slippery rope where I latch on to drama and heartache, engage in self destructive behaviors and send my mind down that dark tunnel where death is inevitable. They say when it's our time to go, you go, well I don't believe this because it's been my time to go many a times, I should of been dead by now considering all of the stupid things, the near misses and the way I courted death like a soul mate, I should be dead right now but here I am writing my morning pages. I get the feeling that in all the ways I thought I didn't want to live, I really did want to live but didn't know it. My conscious mind might of had plans for a dramatic death but clearly my subconscious mind was armored with an energy focused on living. It just happened the old light bulb. My subconscious is really rooting for me to live my best life, it has the power to keep me going when I think I don't want to. Inside of me is something that has an amazing fighting spirit, an amazing positive outlook, an amazing soothing voice that compels me to see more than what is visible to the eye. I keep thinking when am I going to get things right but it's not about getting things right, it's about using what's inside of me and expressing it outwardly, I have everything I need, I have God inside of me. I keep thinking I need to work to pull God inside of me but the power and presence of the holy spirit is within me, always has been and forever will. My neglect of this fact is profound but I rejoice in this new found knowledge, I take inventory and appreciate what I have. I keep thinking that this spiritual enlightenment stuff is about work or doing or whatever but in this moment of complete clarity and expansion, I recognize that to see that my subconscious is the God force working in my life is the gift and it's effortless, it's what is. It's my instinct, my inner knowing, my gut feeling, my intuition or what I suspect is really the truth. It is this that has brought me to this point in my life, it is this that has spared my life on way too many occasions and it is this that keeps me open to the endless possibilities. My expansion is this very moment when I embrace the inner essence of who I am and enjoy knowing I am more than capable of living my life is goodness and in truth. I'm in awe, the energy is a tingling sensation running throughout my body and a kind of dullness which has me saying, um. Really what I am saying to myself is, is this all there is? Is this it? Because for the better part of my life I thought it would be more mystical, magical, more difficult, more intricate, more challenging, more quizzical, harder to comprehend or just plain genius level type of information. And once again, the closer I get to the light, the easier, the simpler, the less work I have to do which behooves me because I thought that it was all about work, more work and all the work that I could muster. No it's just my subconscious mind, that is wherein God lies and by simply taking a moment to tap into that, my life is perfect.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!