March 13, 2009 @ 8:40am

It has taken me 11 minutes to actually get to the page this morning, if it isn't one thing it's another and that's okay. I seem to be at a lost for words, not really just my mind is consume with so much stuff and so I'll start with today's affirmation from science of mind website: The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. My own song reveals itself in so many ways, through my love of life, of others, and in my creativity. I am a true artist in my self expression.
What a psalm or mantra for the artist in me. I like the notion that the way one expresses themselves creatively is through song. I love to sing in the shower that is. It's not that I can't sing, in fact I'm a decent singer, pretty good by some standards but it has always been the thing that I just do much like being funny. I sing because I love the way I can carry a melody into my surrounding. I like when the rhythm is catchy or has meaning or is simply sang to comfort others or show my appreciation. I often wonder how I came to sing because I don't remember ever learning or a particular start date, I just recall singing.
As I wrestle with the part of me that is creative, I am learning to be gentle, to be present and allow for my muse to take over and move my mental mayhem out of the way. It's almost like I'm scared, what exactly I am scared of I can't seem to tap into. Of course, there is this memory of being told to be something but not an artist and I think most artist get this message in one way or another. When I think about this time in my youth, I yearn for the innocence, the conviction to whatever I want without regard to other people. I miss that need to be right and the shear magnitude of energy that I would draw upon just to prove someone wrong. Now I settle for, settle in or just plain old settle, I want that arrogant sense of entitlement back again, I liked myself when I was habitually rebellious and had righteous indignation for authority. I look back at many moments where I stood on my own two feet with an innate understanding of my power to effect change and how I came to weigh my spirit down with guilt is beyond my comprehension at this moment or I am in a deep denial. It's not denial it's the way I want to skirt around the truth and pretend as if being a victim is like wearing Prada or Jimmy Choo, name brands I have never aspired to wear yet the only reason I am aware of them is because I've watched two episodes of Ugly Betty, which by the way, the name of that show annoys me to no end, but I heard the names of those two designers and it stuck with me. I guess instead of being materialistic and a mass consumer, I have made my consumption choice with victimology and the need to have a low dose of self worth. I keep battling with myself about worth and this is why every morning I have to read the same passage over and over again about God's grace and the goodness has for me because with each read I gain about a micro ounce of self worth and considering that most of my mind is taken up with this stupid sense of no self worth, every millibit of prayer takes over but it's at such a small amount I can't seem to diffuse or out manuver the part of me that seems to want to be a victim, to be engage in a mental status of not feeling worthy and it makes no sense when I look at the facts.
The fact is this, I have always been blessed, I have always accessed God's grace when I least expect it and with great results. I have been a continual recipient of the goodness that is all around me and I am an expression of that goodness in many instances when no one else will rise to the occassion. The joy I feel day in and day out is part of that, it's as if I won't let goodness take a hold of me. But I find it interesting that I will and would and can let negativity grip me for long periods of time. I think what I am learning in this morning is that it's all right to have a good life, it's all right to be a continuous expression of good and I am worthy of the goodness that surrounds me, it is my birth right, the stuff that spirit had in store for me but not only me but for everyone and everything. I'm alright. I'm doing well and it feels simply marvelous. I love the way I am taking such good care of myself. The way in which I am honoring my truth and this sense of awakening that is happening in each moment, I am overhoyed and filled with the power and the presence of divine love. It just is, I'm aright and it's okay.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!