January 8, 2006 @ 6:15am

As God’s beloved, my deepest prayer is: “Use me, oh God.” www.scienceofmind.com affirmation.
Oh Happy Day!! I was watching the movie Madea Goes To Jail and not the new theatrically released version but the older stage production. There were several scenes when Tyler Perry or should I say Madea spoke in that way that old folks used to talk and touched me the most was the songs, the way each individual had a song from the past that they shared with the group. These songs weren't new, the old hits were the rhythms that played on radios, the songs black folks made babies to and songs that helped you through either the good times or the bad times in your relationship. For a person who was not allowed to listen to worldly music, I find it a miracle that not only do I remember the oldies, I know all the words and I do mean all the words. That goes to show that some things, no matter how hard you try as a parent to keep it away from your child, there are some things they are going to get into anyways. And worldly music was the thing I got myself into and it stands to reason. I went to a church where the music was strong and amazing, we sang more than we did anything else at our church. Famous singers sprang from our church and really good singers performed Sunday after Sunday. I complained about the God in the air concept presented to me from church on yesterday but today I can see the good that came out of church and it was the people and the music.
Madea in all her infinite wisdom shared so much truth, she said something that really struck a cord with me. Learn to let them go, this was about people that we call ourselves liking, or lovers, or people we are getting to know or even spouses. Learn to let them go and appreciate the fact that they are gone because as much as you want them there, the mess and drama that will be enacted ain't worth the time or the energy. Let him go is what I was thinking and how profound that is because of course I want to imagine a wonderful reunion, a wonderful apology, a wonderful explanation, an oversight, an epiphany happening this weekend, and a whole bunch of other stuff that will appeal to my mind but won't settle right with my heart. I keep telling myself that when the right person comes along, it will flow, there will be no stuff to contend with but the work of building a relationship, a healthy, a functional, a spiritual connection. I cried for about 3 minutes, it was a short cry because the little voice said to me, that's enough and it's time to be in your moments, this old moment is just that old. Oh yeah, Madea said something so profound, she said move on and keep on pushing with your life because there will come a time, real soon when you will barely remember the persons name, let lone their last name and while they're stuck in the same spot their in, you'll moved on to better. And the thing about love is when you're open it will come and the only work you will have to do is be present, be in the moment and be.
I'm proud of myself in this moment, I can see the tremendous amount of growth that has occurred and the forward movement that I have made. Before I would of pushed, prodded, took time out to get some supposed closure or perhaps even found myself stalking or demanding some explanation. Now, I take the information and I ponder it, I examine it with sensible eyes and I read what is there. I'm reading absolutely nothing and in order to go forward I would need something but since nothing is coming or happening or occurring I'm moving on recognizing that this is one of the people that was meant to be in my life for a very short season but for now I'm interested in lifetimers, an individual who will do life with me, who will serve the time of deep intimate partnership and be locked up in the midst of real and fulfilling unconditional love. Anything worth having is worth working for and doing time is all about getting the chance to do life right, I want to step outside of my comfort zone and be challenged to consider someone else, to make room in my life for another, to share all that I have and to finally eclipse with the other wing and move into spiritual paradise. I can see each and every thing that happens has led me to this point and I love how much I recognize my genuine and unconditional expression for another human being, I can recognize their inability to accept or their inability to partake in something real, I get all of this and I am okay. My prayer is that they will find the love they need, that they will love themselves to know when love has stepped into their path and more importantly that they will allow themselves to be in moments of loving bliss. This isn't about me this about the ever present part of me in everyone around me, I want for them what I work hard to attain for myself. I have no need for revenge or to seek out a method to hurt them. I just want what I wanted in the beginning to be a part of positive connection with another earthly soul. May we all know love, may we step into it with courage and conviction and an inner knowing that we deserve this, I deserve to be with someone who will love me without question, I am loving this person who has yet to appear, i am open and I am being the best me.
Finally, the beauty of being in the moment is that you escape the trap of old moments, in the new moment there is no past or no future just the moment. And like everything else in my life, there is always a chance for a complete turn around, a moment when things move in the completely opposite direction of what seemed like one direction just a second before. The more than anything I trust myself to know because I trust myself and I find myself stupendously capable of seeing the God in others and recognizing when they are not stepping into the fullness of their heart, mind and soul. Also, when you know yourself, when you treat yourself well, when you are deeply in touch with yourself, it's hard for people who don't have those things to appreciate what you have, if anything they want to take it. What they fail to understand is that, what I have is already inside of them, all they need to do is tap into it, all they need to do is touch it, feel it, receive it and live it. I'm not special, I'm just like them and I take my living seriously, I take the joy of life with complete and utter appreciation and I honor each moment, look inside of it for the truth about love. What comforts me most in my living is that, everyone has this inside of them too and it can be accessed anytime they choose. I get that so many people won't choose and this saddens me but it doesn't cause me to engage in behavior that enables them to live like a victim. This I know to be true, if I can resurrect my soul from the boughs of perpetual suicidal thoughts, pull myself back out of the tunnel of complete and utter darkness, look myself in the mirror and accept the good and the bad about myself, forgive others, forgive myself, embrace the truth about the God inside of me and be where I am today, then anybody can. And I've been no stellar student, I've been special ed, remedial at best but I've stayed the course, I've fallen a zillion times and for some reason, something inside of me gets back up, time and time again, honestly I can't explain the determination but it is within me. I'm no different, I just choose to live my truth, to be good to myself and to know the inner workings of love. How are you doing to day Charlotte? Actually I'm really wonderful, great, I feel blessed, I am that I am and that is the manifestation of love.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.