February 7, 2009 @ 6:58am

As God’s beloved, I know that I am an essential strand in the perfec­tion of creation. How magnificent to live from the glorious truth. Affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com.
Today's affirmation is interesting in that it uses the words essential strand, I think when I think about what is essential in my life, for many years, I wasn't the key to all of that, I was just a by-stander, someone who was being acted upon as oppose to the who has the power to enact.
This brings me back to the frustration I have with religion and it's need for me to look up to God. The whole thing about fear is strong and pervasive and counter intuitive because I was afraid of God but I spent many years and much of my time afraid of the devil. I was more afraid of the devil than God in one sense but what actually happened is that I was so afraid of the devil I had no time to be what God wanted me to be. It was as if I was climbing a ladder toward heaven but the ladder had no steps. And because of my fear of the devil, I spent time trying to get away with things as oppose to trying to live my life righteously and with purpose. It was a strange place to be, a time of energy spent on nothingness really. And the worst was the thought that came directly out of the church and that is this notion of God not having enough time or energy or wherewithal or that somehow as a little black nappy headed fat eye- glass wearing girl, I'd be lucky if God heard a fraction of one of my prayers. But I should be satisfied because in the by and by (that is when I am dead) I would reap all my rewards in heaven, so just do the best you can with this life, honor God in everything you do and even though life will be hard, unfair and you won't find an ounce of joy, just know yours is coming. What kind of way is that for a girl to live and why on God green earth would a system of religion teach that to little kids. Why would they instill this low self esteem model for parishioners, why?
Luckily I wasn't one of those people that you could pull the wool over my eyes, I constantly challenged the ministers (who were all men because women couldn't teach God's good news), I constantly questioned why something was and time and time again, all I got was because it's in the Bible and that's just the way it is. Then I was politely told to either go care for children in the nursery or help out in the kitchen. The other lucky part for me is that I had no man in the house which provided a viable and actualized realization that men are not the center of the earth. We don't need men for much of anything because in my house, not one single solitary man ever, ever did anything, not one got damn iota. So my reality didn't coincide with the church prescription but the truth is that, the teachings never really sat well with me, something about it rang untrue and more importantly the content lacked any real substance and clearly not enough substance to receive the holy ghost, for what was I to be so joyful about, how was I to do a holy dance to a holy father God that had no presence in my life.
I don't go to church, I tell my family that I meditate on Sundays, actually meditate daily but somehow this excuse keeps them off my back or at least wondering what it all means. It's not like I'm saying, I'm Catholic now or that I'm Buddhist, I just say I meditate, that's my religion so to speak and because they have no comprehension of what that is, I am left alone but every now and then I'm invited to church but 99% of the time I don't go.
I feel strong this morning, I feel a sense of disappointment yesterday. I had a really great lunch, I went to LeDog and had my favorite soup, I was hoping to share this experience with another person but I partook in lunch alone. I savored the amazing elixir of the soup's dynamic taste and I came to understand what was stated in the affirmation today which was I am teh essential strand. I keep slipping up on this teaching, I keep looking outside myself for something and time and again, I'm gently and positively and delightfully reminded that the answer lies with me. I am grateful for me and my questioning and my awakening and my life, God's finally paying attention but I get the feeling God was always there prodding and helping me along. It is a wonderful feeling to feel the power and presence of the holy spirit inside of me, I love knowing that I am not alone, I am humbled to be the essential strand and the moment is forever and always mine when I avail myself.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.