February 5, 2009 @ 6:18am

As God's beloved, I cherish my image of the Divine and pray for all people the opportunity to rejoice in knowing Spirit as the omnipresent being of freedom, joy, and unconditional love.
I open today with the affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com. It's a powerful affirmation and one that helps me to remove the need to feel guilty about my blessed life. It contains what I have always felt was true about life. I've felt as if I've had my fair share of goodness but I also felt that it was not at the expense of anyone else, deep down inside I knew there was enough to go around. It has been a spiritual relief to realize that the life that others choose is by choice. I've spent many years listening to sob stories, I've spent many years trying to save others, I've spent many years holding onto the pain & suffering of others and I've spent many years feeling like my salvation is no good unless everyone else has theirs. It frustrated me to know ends when people, even myself, when the repetition of self destructive behavior became par for the course. I remember when a therapist told me that I cycle through a series of events in my life and just when I am about to be successful, I become self destructive. I didn't know what that really meant at the time but I came to understand my inability to accept success. I thought I had a fear of failure but then I talked myself into believing I had a fear of success and how unworthy I was of anything. I was very attentive to this cycle as well and I understood it very intimately but I didn't want it to be. I didn't know how to break the cycle and when I felt as if I would never overcome thoughts of suicide huddled amidst my thoughts, courting me into a slow dance of life on the other side. I won't lie, I loved the suicide dance, the swing of the motions carried me to places far away from the reckless mess called my life. The sway of moving out of the physical realm and into some unknown realm, I used to love the suicide dance. With any dance, the music eventually stops and thats when the other voices started to seep in because as much as I wanted to die, I had just a tiny bit more will to live. I had a tiny bit more of something that wanted to give life a chance, that wanted to know love and that wanted to believe that life could be better, even if it was for a moment. I was a bargainer, I told the universe, okay I'll give you a few more months, years and I recall making the claim of ending it all when i was forty if things didn't get any better.
It is ultra bizzare to look back on your life and recognize the time wasted in thoughts that had no purpose, thoughts that didn't assist my life on a positive level. At the same time, I look back recognizing the path that I have traveled, the leap that I have made in my thinking and in the way I live. It reminds me of the words of a former therapist, she told me that change would come and that each and every day I would make change, of course I didn't believe her because it didn't appear that my life was moving forward, it didn't seem like I had really change but when I said this she replied saying that all of this is incremental and what will happen is that you will awake to some moment in the future understanding the forward movement and exactly how far you have come. For now the change is too small, too infintessimal to comprehend. I get it now, I see how far I have come, I see the difference in today than eight years ago. And there are moments when I wish I had what I have now, back then, I stop myself dead in the thought and I become thankful that I have what I have right now. I'm thankful because I could still be in the darkness, I could still be miserable, I could still be unhappy and what I am most thankful for is that I no longer need a suicide dance, I have no desire for a suicide dance and I'd be damned if I ever dance to the beat of a suicide song ever again. this moment, this now is amazing, it is a place I could not imagine, it is place I'd thought I'd never arrive to but here I am.
I'm here and my deepest desire, my deepest wish, my sincere prayers is for others to know this moment as well. For us to come full cycle with living, instead of trying to live, we live to try more and more and more of what our hearts beakons. We live to try out the magnificience of God's spectacular love, we try to see the God in other, we try to breath with conviction, we try to know peace of mind, we try to be all of who we are, we try to be the greatness that is already in us, we try to share the gift of inner knowing with other, we try to commune with nature, we try to be the light in a world steeped in darkness, we try to give just a little to ourselves, we try to open up our hearts for soul, mind and bodily nourishment, we try on life's clothing, let it wear us into total immersion of who we really are. I am that I am. this has been a stupendous journey, I can't even tell you the shear joy I feel for myself, in myself and around me. I have work to do but it's not like it used to be. There is something I said the other day, I'm closer to the start of spring than the beginning of winter and with that I can tolerate the cold for the short while that it will be with us. I can also say that I am closer to spiritual enlightenment than I am to my former life of darkness and with that I can handle the work that I still need to do.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.