February 4, 2009

It's Hump Day and I'm not getting anything remotely humpity in my life but all is well. I am bundled up again, long johns, twelve shirts layers, the eskimo cap, scarves and the big bubble coat that actually keeps me warm. I'm not sure why because it weighs about 3 ounces despite it's size which is like 2x or 3x or perhaps larger. It's plain as day and barely stretches below my waist, next year I will get a longer coat. Nonetheless, I'm warm and cozy on my walk to work, it's almost as if I'm indoors but not enough like indoors for me to stay out there any longer than I have to. And it's amazing because it's the best disguise, I don't look a bit like myself and I see people that I know passing me by but they have no recollection of who I am. Sometimes I wave and I suspect they think I'm a homeless person trying to get a ride.
I continue to think about the book the four agreements by miguel ruiz: Be impeccable with your words, Don't take anything personally, Always do your best and Don't make assumptions. This last agreement has always been a challenge for me. I mean, we live in a world where we are taught and conditioned to judge and size up people. Like for instance, I email this guy for lunch, I felt the response lacked mojo, so now I'm in this situation where I need to postpone the lunch and then he responds favorably, never mind I think I figured it out. The point is I made the assumption that because his email response was lack luster that he wasn't interested and he may be not really interested but the least I can do is not make an assumption. Stop assuming I know everything because as much as I think I know, the more I discover I know absolutely nothing.
The whole assumption thing for me is so about being cautious or feeling like I'm prepared or somehow in control or just positioning myself in a place of knowing. Yet I can see how this closes off opportunities for something new or different. If I merely interpret things they way I think they should be, I fail to discover what is unique and wonderful with the world. Also, I love what ruiz says about assumption, he says in the state of assumption we fail to express what we want and we fail to ask questions. In this moment I recognize how I don't ask the questions, how I just assume certain things and I don't express what I really want to say. How I continue to perpetuate the dysfunction of my living by assuming basic things like my disconnection to God, my lowly plight in life, my inability to have a long term relationship, my this and my that when in fact if I opened up just a little and be more present in the moment I might discover a life that I've never known. I'm always thinking I know and maybe what I should do is ASK, inquire and at least give others the chance to respond. I'm always complaining that no one ever asks me about my side of the story and maybe that's because I don't ask them. An epiphany has awakened in me, if I am going to be open to my moments, this is the type of work that it will take, these are the kinds of actions that will infiltrate my life and my living. I so want to do better, I so want to walk away from the old habits, the insanity and the unhappiness. I am doing better this time around, I'm getting there and it may take me a minute but I'll take this courage, this inner knowing , this state of non-assumption, this willingness to be in the now and I'll grow, I'll step into the unknown and know that the divine is holding me. I'll know that each moment is just another chance for me to be present in ways I've never been. I'm not feeling as if it is going to be hard but I am feeling that I'll make it through. The challenge is not the assumption, the chanlleng is me wanting control, me wanting a certain outcome, an outcome that is comfortable, easy and the way I wanted, however that is. I surrender to moment recognizing there is nothing but an opportunity to learn, a chance to see the divinity in others and in myself.
Today's affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com) As God’s beloved, I accept the invitation to “enjoy Me.” Recognizing that Spirit is the creator of all, I joyfully immerse myself in all of life’s experiences and moments, knowing that I am thoroughly taking pleasure in God.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.