February 24, 2009 @ 8:09am

Good Morning Life and it's a beautiful morning, the sun is edging out the clouds and this makes me happy. Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: I am forever grateful for every choice and experience that has brought me into the loving arms of my sacred partner, the Beloved.
This affirmation reminds me of some thoughts that I have had over the last several weeks. What I continue to say to myself is this, I have no regrets, I enjoy the life I live and I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened to me because the culmination of my life experience has brought me into the loving arms of spirit. I can't imagine it any other way and sure I would of enjoyed a less drama filled journey but that's not the point, the reward is where I am now. I am somewhere I never thought I'd be, I'm in a space of contentment that I thought was only in movies or in my best fantasies. I feel so much love for myself, an honoring of my spirit as divine and worthy of goodness, this is a long ways from victimhood. I recall victimhood all too well, the ways in which I was always a victim of something and never responsible for my own behavior.
The blessing about taking responsibility is the opportunity to shape my life, to be an active creator of my reality and to finally honor what is inside of me, my own desires, wants and wishes. Victimhood often left me feeling as if I owed the world something, that I had dues to pay or I needed to dumb myself down or simply act as if my world was crumbling all around me. I remember the days when I would wonder why I'm in the same place time and time again, it bothered me that I would take what looked liked a different path yet end up in the same place. I never took a moment to consider my own actions, my own mindset or the voices in my head that had a bad habit of playing victim, had a bad habit of engaging acts of self sabotage and a bad habit of telling myself, I wasn't worthy or good enough.
I'm currently in this situation where I think I don't know what to do but the truth is the choice is simple. I don't want to make this simple choice because the old voices are vying for some stage time in my life, vying for a reunion with my old self and vying for victimhood. Yet, I keep hearing this small voice in my head saying I deserve the best, I deserve better and I am getting all the goodness that is righteously mine. A dear friend of mine, Donna B told me to write on a piece of paper the words, I deserve the best and stick it in my wallet so that I would refer to it from time to time. The truth is this I don't know what ever happen to that piece of paper but I'll make another one as soon as I'm done with these morning pages. But I hadn't thought about the spiritual advice since it happened nearly ten years ago. I realize she was trying to help me come to understand the truth of my being but I was too caught up in victimhood.
All my life family, friends, teachers and others have predicted a wonderful life for me. I took those words as a sentence. I thought by achieving success I would have to leave people behind, I wouldn't be able to help them or they wouldn't want to be associated with me. My primary struggle from the time I was a young child was a sense of survivor's guilt and I'm not sure where it began, who etched this consciousness upon me and why I embraced it as my life mantra. This is going to be a continual lesson for me. It is a lesson because I truly, genuinely and in the deep recesses of my soul, I love people and the love translate in the need to save them, to give them the shirt off my back and to do for them at the expense of my own livelihood. I would learn later in life how ineffective I was helping others when I couldn't help myself. I discovered that my best attempts of saving someone else was always destined to faile because change is a choice, no matter how much I do, unless the person creates the change they want, eveything I do is merely a generic brand bandaid, you know the kind that doesn't have enough stick and it keeps falling off every time you put it on.
I can remember the words of my cousin, Charlotte's going to make it. It felt like a death sentence than the affirmation of my abilities. I looked in the mirror this morning and recognized that I have made it. I made it out of the halls of victimhood, I made it out of the land of self sabotage, I made it out of the fields of suicidal thoughts, I made it out of the lap of survivor's guilt and I stopped dancing with self hate. I made it and its wonder that I did but I am here, in the now, in the moment, in the truth and in the love. I can't save anyone else because it's not my job to save anyone else. However, I'm all knowing of the power to save oneself is within each of us. If a broken soul like mine can grab unto it and use it to live my best life, surely others can use it because as hard as it is, it's easier than I ever thought.
I enjoy knowing that this power and presence is in all of us. It helps me to really comprehend the christ nature of Jesus, he did not need to feel sorry for folks and he definitely didn't need to feel sorry for himself. All he did was educate people about the truth, he attempted to just tell the truth about this power of God inside of us. He loved as love can only do.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!