January 4, 2009 @ 6:50am

My dreams are vivid and full of wild imagination. I'm feeling on edge, I'm feeling as if i want more from life and I'm feeling that war is an unnecessary evil. Today's affirmation from science of mind website (www.scienceofmind.com) is Today, I set my intention to walk with Spirit. I know we are a powerful team. Together we can handle any situation that arises. Life is good.
The truth is this, I can't seem to make up my mind, for all the decisions that I've been making over the last several months, all of a sudden I can't make an important decision about my livelihood. It comes back to worthiness. Part of my struggle is plain old faith which is why today's affirmation is so instructional. Intention is a powerful act.
So, I'm well into the book Blackwater by Jeremy Scahill and it's completely amazing how the republicans have turned this country into a privatization zone, actually this notion of privatization is global but it concerns me deeply to think that security companies are handling governmental wars, security detail or have access to all types of intelligence information. More overly, these companies seem far more powerful and have access to resources that are more advance than the government, isn't this going to back fire sooner or later. Couldn't these companies just as well spend their time taking over the U.S. than helping the U.S.?
The book supports my aggravation with the U.S. need to take over other countries, even the concept of OCCUPATION seems too aggressive and inappropriate, I mean what if someone came to the U.S. and occupied our country until we obeyed their way of life. More troubling is the amount of money the U.S. spends on war, money that could of been re-invested in this country in a way that created jobs and sustained financial stability. The revolution needs to happen, people have got to take back their power and demand basic needs again because these power hungry white men are going to not only destroy the planet but destroy this country.
I'm still feeling this desire to live simply, to simply work and write. It's so counter to what I've done and I get worried that I might miss out on something or I might be setting myself up for something terrible. The pessimism runs deep even though I work daily to stay positive and optimistic about the future. I'm keeping myself in the moment though, I keep myself focused on what is real. And my dreams lead to a place of love, I've dreamt of being in a relationship two nights in a row, how weird but how delightful. Of course, I hope it's a sign of things to come and is dreamt a word? And some morning the words come pouring out and morning like today i can barely write a word that makes any sense or my thoughts have no cohesiveness.
I was just thinking that perhaps these books, Blackwater, the Shock Doctrine are not good for me because I get to feeling hopeless and not very positive about the future.
I want to consider what life will be like in January 2010 if I decide to do nothing but focus on writing, a kind of pros and cons list. The worst that can happen is that I'm in the same place I was this year and the truth is this, being in the same place won't be a bad thing but something to think about. The best thing that can happen is that I get a book deal with a large advance enough for me to quit my job. Most likely I will get some pieces of writing published in a few literary magazines, I'll have some work under consideration by agents or publishers and I'll be working a more compatible job, one that fits with my personality and talents.
What is it about people, what is is about not wanting to have power over one's life , what is it to not fight for what is right, what is it? I guess for me I've felt like I've had to fight my whole life, not only for myself but others as well. I have had an ingrained since of entitlement, this knowing that I deserve equal justice, that I'm worthy of fairness and it's my God given right to know love and liberation. Where that has come from, I'm not sure, it's definitely innate and unwavering. All my life all I have ever wanted to really do is write but it seems as if when I'm given the chance I buckle and I ask myself, is this what you want? Or is this just some childhood fantasy that has run it's course? Or maybe just maybe, it was never really what you wanted just something that was identified as a talent and I embraced it. Maybe I'm just fooling myself and maybe I have nothing to say, no stories to really share and no muse to assist me in the process of writing. Maybe I'm a fool for me, my dreams and the true desires of my heart. A co-worker shared that her son didn't like Rudolph the red nose reindeer movie, the one they show on network television every year. He was afraid of the indomitable snowman yet there is a part with the indomitable snowman that I love, the part when he learns to walk again and he sings this song, put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking across the floor. I often tell myself, put one word in front of the other and soon you'll be writing novels all day long. And I tie this to part of a sermon I heard last Sunday, when we were challenged to be indomitable spirits, that we use our God energy in a way that lets the world know, we are one with God and we are mighty and able to accomplish our life goals.
The definition of indomitable states: cannot be subdued or overcome, as persons, will, or courage; unconquerable: an indomitable warrior.
The thought of not being overcome, the thought of nor being subdued or drawn from the chosen path is a powerful thought. It's enticing and challenging, it's a call for me to make up my mind and be indomitable, know that nothing and I do mean nothing can stand in my way. I am a conqueror, I am more than able to be an accomplished writer, I have what it takes and nothing can stop me. And to the part of me that feels doubt, I say it's okay to feel that way but in this instance my dream can come true and will come true, my job is to do the work, my job is to surrender to the divine spirit all that is not within my control, my task is to stay on the path and to assure myself in each moment that the spirit inside of me is indomitable, all I have to do is put one foot, one word, one thought, one prayer, one try, one act in front of the other and soon I'll be exactly where I want to be. This reminds me of a saying from the 12-step community, take one day at a time. This may be a recovering ideology but it has a fundamental spiritual principle that is tied into being in the moment, enjoying what is right now. All I can do is what I can do right now and that''s good enough but what I know for sure is that if in many moments I attempt acts that lead toward being a successful writer than a successful writer I will be, it's the collective energy that will carry me forward, bring me success and allow me to live my dream.. I am perfect, I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME d eeply.