January 3, 2009 @ 6:55 am

Good Morning Life. I'm struggling this morning but inspired by the demonstration I walked into on yesterday. It was being held downtown at the Federal Building, the group was fairly large and their voices were strong, their voices were passionate and their voices were anti-militarism. Essentially they wanted the US to stop occupying Israel. But the continued torture of the Gaza strip feels so pointless. I'm knee deep in the book Blackwater by Jeremy Scahill and it's clear to me that men have a natural tendency toward violence and in order for world peace, it is clear to me that women will have to take back the planet. Women will have to reign the men in and put the earth back on a healthy course but women, oh women are too afraid, too invested in having a man, in the concept of manhood, a concept that fails them, leaves them unhappy and lacking. Women will need to come to the truth, that they are the ultimate creators of life and all that it contains. That's not to say that women are superior, it's to say that women have an equal capability as men because we both have the divine energy within us. This is not about who's better, this about what's best for all.
Today's affirmation from the science of mind website (www.scienceofmind.com) is Today, I move within and experience the divine oneness with Spirit. I know that I shall find every answer I seek. There is nothing that is beyond my grasp. Everything is possible in Spirit. It's ironic that on today, well actually most days, but more so today, I'm seeking an answer, an answer to my calling in life, an answer to the way I can be used for divine purpose, an answer to this yearning for something more in my life. I keep writing in my morning pages that I'm open but the truth is, I'm stuck in a rut or so that's what I feel. Also, I get this feeling that what I need is some fast paced activity because I'm habitually addicted to action, doing something even when the something is a bunch of nothing. Today's affirmation reminds me that nothing is beyond my grasp which translates into doing what my heart desires knowing that the universe will provide. I talked about a plan and I keep coming up with plans and they don't inspire me, they don't, actually every plan that I create, I put things in their that I think I should be doing as oppose to creating a plan complete with the tasks of my heart.
So let me talk concretely, let me reveal the true desires of my heart. I am a writer, that is all I've ever wanted to do and want to do. I like other activities, I am talented in many ways, I have skills that are extremely marketable and abilities beyond the average person, however all Charlotte wants is to sit at home and write. That's what these morning pages are about and they are the beginning of the writing for the day. The other side of this desire is shear FEAR of personal economic struggle. Also, is a tiny voice that I try to quiet that mumbles something about my unworthiness. I know that this is not true and yet there are moments when I allow it to grip me, latch a rope around my neck and hands, muffle the few words I utter and writing becomes a toy I've lost. All I want to do is write and I want to pay the few bills I have, so the question I ask the universe and patiently await an answer is HOW? How do I make a living as a writer? In this time of financial uncertainty who am I to ask this question but the truth is I've been asking this question for a long time, it's just only recently that I've been willing and truly desiring to hear an answer. How do I make a living as a writer? How?
There are other events going on in my life and I'm not sure if these things are things that I need to engage or involve myself. My other challenge is saying NO to things outside of my personal goals and saying YES to fulfilling the desires to my heart. It all comes back to wanting to save the world, wanting to do for others, wanting something to do that doesn't have to do with me. I keep searching for the answer in work that I do for others, I keep searching for answers in the multiple ways in which I sacrifice my own goals, I keep searching for answers by taking care of everyone else, I keep searching for answers in dysfunctional relationships, I keep searching for answers in excuses, I keep searching for answers in empty places or with empty people. To search has become tiring and in my relentless pursuit I've not found what I'm seeking, if anything I have found so many things I don't want that it's hard for me to sort out what I do want. I'm always yearning to not be a pack rat like my mother yet while I don't have things around me, I have things as in things that I do, I collect this stuff like a pack rat, it keeps my days filled and my time occupied. I've been teetering with the thought of doing nothing but work and writing. What would happen if I spent a year only writing and only working to make a living, what would happen? I don't need to know the answer to that question what I might want to do is try it. And immediately I start to feel bad because of all of the commitments that I've made, the people that are looking for me to do x and y and z.
If nothing is beyond my grasp surely this isn't beyond my grasp, I can grasp onto writing and see what happens. It's hard for me to write those words because I recognize that it's something not only that I can do but what I really want to do. As a compromise I will spend the next 90 days with the writing and work only. I will detach myself from all the busyness stuff as well as the actual commitments that I've made in the name of feeling like I have to give of me in order to receive. I'm giving in my job and that's enough.
I'm a little discombobulated (sp?) and I know that this is the right decision to make. But already in mind, I'm like but what about this and what about that and what about, what about, what about everything that I do that is busyness. And my answer is what about me? When do I get to do what I want to do, when do I get to be the priority of my time and energy? When do I get to be the reason for my busyness? When do I start taking care of myself? When do I receive the true answer from my heart about my passionate desires? When do I? It feels a bit scary and I know that I'm not alone and I know that with each day I will rise up to the challenge and make my dream a reality. I'm on a forward path, with a simple agenda and I'm finally ready to listen to me for once, finally ready to live simplistically, ready to write all this stuff that is inside of me, to let it out, let it take shape and form and let it lighten my load. I've paid my dues, did my fair share of saving the world, time in for saving me, time in for the answer to my lifelong prayer. I am perfect, I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!