January 19, 2009 @ 5:01am

I had a dream last night that I was having a function, the planning, the multiple tasks associated with pulling off a successful event. It was just hours before and I needed the help of at least twenty people yet somehow I was managing to pull it all together. Then it was 30 minutes before the event people had already arrived and I had just started putting out refreshments, luckily everything else was done but I wanted everything done before a single soul arrived. Everything seemed to be going well despite my need for utter and complete control. I woke up as if I had a nightmare, not the kind that scares you to death, the kind that leaves you rattled. Was it my way of mourning the activities I had to pull away from or was it a reminder of why it is important for me to take care of myself or was it a pull to reconsider perhaps. But as I lay there on the bed contemplating what I was feeling, I recognize no pull to return to life the way it was because I'm no longer interested in sacrificing health and wellness for the sake of doing something in the world. I realized that my thoughts scatter about and sometimes the things that I have let go, wash back up on the shores of my thoughts. I get that there are some things you like to do and some things you love.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: In this moment, I see Spirit everywhere. I remain open to life as lessons, and I know all is well, all the time.
Today is MLK day and I normally take this day off from work because it's not a holiday but there aren't any activities that I want to attend today and I could use the money. Also, as Obama takes office, I began to wonder about the need for black events. I've always yearned for an inclusiveness that didn't require certain regulations of blackness. I'm confident that I will get so many things done today because everyone else will be on vacation today. Also, I will use this day for another purpose, when I really need time off for things that are more dire. And I'm comfortable with this choice to be on the fringe of all these activities. I love attending the events because that's when I am around the largest group of black people but just being around a group of black people doesn't work any more for me. If I felt a sense of unity or love perhaps I could get excited but to simply be around others has no added value at this point in my life and I know me, this could change. This life of fringe is more comfortable for me, I'm not interested in faking, or pretending like my life is perfect and I want to be around people who listen to me, hear me when I say that there are challenges in my life. I'm not interested in being rescued, I'm just interested in being heard, that's all. And thank God for those around me, who get that and my connection to them means the world to me.
My sleep was off last night and somehow I know that it's okay. My son gets the brunt of my mental disorientation when I awake yet I feel as if I need to sleep desperately. He is patient and kind, than God. Food is becoming less interesting, my cooking is impatient and I wonder if I could afford to purchase prepared food, at least that would limit the amount of cooking because I'm not as inspired with my cooking these days. Maybe it's an affect of the cold and my bones. I'm reconnecting to the notion of intention and how to make it the forefront of everything I do. The intention, what are my intentions for creative endeavors or for my mental health or my physical health or my emotional well being or my spiritual enlightenment, what is my intention? I love all this new scientific research in support of intention with prayer, meditation and just plain old positive thinking. Why one needs scientific proof is beyond my comprehension, if one just spent some time accessing the universe around them they would come to understand something really amazing at work.
Oh yeah, yesterday I wrote about going to the bookstore and discovering my writing. I must confess that I didn't exactly get excited nor was I upset, the whole experience was very neutral. This reaction is what the Buddhist say we should aim for in life, that are goal is not escape being upset only, our goal is to escape being overly happy too because neither state is true. But I took the book back to the cafe area along with a pile of filmmaking magazines, this is my regular habit when I go to Border's. I never really read the book, I just had it nearby. I remember when it was time to go because I was only there for about 20 minutes, I wanted to catch a certain bus back home, I picked up the book and I shook my head and I lay the book back down. It was a completely neutral moment and it felt perfect and divine and healing. Healing in that in my life, I have let the ups and downs dictate what will happen next, what I need is to be neutral about it all because it doesn't matter what I do, what will be will be. But neutrality keeps it all in perspective, keeps it in balance and allows me to be in the moment. In that moment, I recognized that the news and the actual reality of my creative expression in a book on a shelf at Borders was just as it was, just as I had created and this moment doesn't have to hinder or catapult me into the next moment, it's just the moment that it is. Whether I write another thing or not, this moment will always be and it has nothing to do with the next moment when I enjoyed the feel of snow on my tongue as I walked down the street. nonetheless, it was a sign from the universe in response to a prayer that I sent out. It's the moment when I acknowledged the practicality of my desire to create. It was what today's affirmation was about, it was a lesson about how all is well and how good is always available to me.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!