January 18, 2009 @ 6:35pm

Yeah, it's almost my bed time and I'm finally getting to the page. I knew it would be late but not this late, actually I didn't make a clear plan of when I would write, I just didn't make it a priority first thing this morning and today has been that kind of day. A day of no plans, no real priorities and I've lazily moved from bed to kitchen to bathroom and so on. I did create a new goals sign where I listed two projects that I'm working on, in hopes of helping me stay focused. Stay on track with my life purpose. The purpose of my life, the life that has been purposed or purposefully the life I will and living on purpose for a purpose in a way that is purposeful or in the direction of a clear cut and definite and perfect purpose. I'm here and that's all that matters. I think my head is a little off because I haven't been outside and I can tell by the sidewalk that it was warmer today than it has been in days. There was no icy trail or snowy specs, just fresh wetness and pebbles of salt left behind. This inspires me to want to be outside, so I opened the door for a while and let the cool air blow in because it's important for me to stay acquainted with the cold for it will keep me from hiding out. The cold and I are friends or at least until I move somewhere near the equator.
Today's affirmation was really, really, really powerful and awe inspiring. It was just what I needed and I know I say this everyday but like I've said before, I'm remedial, special ed spiritualist, the repetition is good for me and almost necessary because I forget quicker than taking the next breath. The affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: Today, I enter into the silence and speak my word. I know my prayer is answered because Spirit always responds. As I believe, it is done unto me.
The first thing I did after reading this affirmation was I listed off all that I wanted to manifest in life, like being a loving person, peace of mind, physical, spiritual, mental, emotional and sexual wellness, a long-term partnership with the man of my dreams ( I was specific about who it was), the new job with all of it's comforts and reward, financial prosperity, artistic proliferation along with some specified outcomes and more than anything I just want to be an example of LOVE to all that come in contact with me. I'm learning to be gentle with myself, learning to stop giving myself these mandates that are full of judgement and manipulation. It's been a real joy to kind of let the day get away from me as if relaxing is an okay thing to do. I remember my mother when we kids were young, she kept moving and moving and then there were those times when her body gave out, she'd fall asleep in the chair or on sunday afternoon. We'd go about our business, basically unsupervised but we never got into too much of anything. I recall a time when my body would give out on me and I hated not having that control being subjected to the notion of my body overriding my personal mental desires. I keep telling myself that I feel as if I'm losing a bit of weight, not a whole lot but a little and it's not because I'm on some diet, it's because I'm eliminating the stress in my life and as such, I don't run to food. I don't need to eat as much because there's no stress running me to numb th pain, or put in denial about my situation or to fill an empty hole in my life. I keep telling myself that I'm not really moving as fast I want and then I remember that I didn't get this way over night and I'm probably not going to get to where I want to be over night but I am enjoying the journey because it is nothing like I expected. I thought I would began to act perfectly with each moment dedicated to exactly what I want in life but these last few weeks have been full of self reflection, sleep, slow movements, occasional acts of creativity and a sense of contentment. It's almost as if I've got to slow all the way down in order to recognize what speed my life is meant to be at. It's almost as if I've got to do nothing in order to get to know myself again. It's as if by living each moment, I get to witness so much of what I've been missing. It's amazing to have time to think about the creative process, think about what I want to create, to explore in my mind the multitudes of ways I can express myself and recognizing what works and what doesn't work or what could work but just not at this time. I feel this energy around intention with my art, it's not just about what I think people want but about the overall message or intention of the art. And trusting that because the truth is this, no one may ever agree with what I create but if I believe in what I create that's all that matters.
I went to the bookstore on yesterday to look at the book. And there in print was my story, I had thought that the check from the publisher was a mistake, so I had to go see it for myself. Yeah, the publisher wrote a note stating I would get my copies in the mail soon but I still wasn't sure. I struggled with getting out yesterday morning but then I decided the adventure was worth the trip. I took the bus and as I passed my car, I blessed it and was thankful. In that moment, I didn't have to rush to the bus because I had the luxury of turning and around and driving if I wanted. I remember the days of rushing to the bus and the dependence and I remember the days when I said, this is only temporary and as I did my best to sustain a decent life for me and my son, a miracle car came to me. It reminds me of today's affirmation, I guess in my own way I prayed for the car and because I knew that it would be done unto me, the car came. And just like all the others desires of my heart, they are already done unto me and I am grateful already. I'm blessed and honored and humbled and thankful for my own fortitude to live my life with intention, to do the work to stay conscious, to be responsible for my living, to pray for more than things but to pray for peace, joy, mindfulness, love and all that is required to appreciate the magnificence of life. Today was a lazy day but I feel it was so full of wonder as I learned things, I was moved by certain events, I was awaken by the simplicity of what was going on around me and I was so thankful for all that I have. I was talking with my sister yesterday or the day before and she was like what's wrong. I had called her to say hello and all she could think to ask me was what was wrong and I did what I never do, I told her the truth, I told her that I have everything I need, my life is perfect. What a blessing that was, what a moment of joyous realization that in the midst of all that the world say is going on, I'm alright, I've been alright, I continue to be alright and these quiet moments with myself is really the way that I can stay in tuned with the truth of my reality. Because in order for me to hang out with a whole bunch of people is to be in that socialization of complaint, unhappiness, discontentment, disillusionment, fear, numbness, busyness and dark. It has been a light to be in my moments more, I can really see the God in others and I can for the first time in my life, forgive myself, allow myself some time and space to be who I've always wanted to be without beating myself up, without being on some time line imposed with no real or clear purpose. It has been a gift to drink lots of water today, I haven't been able to really drink the amount of water I normally like to drink because I'm engaged in busyness or some other nonsense. Today I thought about how I will love the man of my dreams, how I will allow him to manifest his life the way he needs to, how patience and love will create the perfect space for our union and how I will show up for love knowing that no matter how he shows up, I'm being the me that I've always wanted to be and will be forever here on out. I am writing in my head mostly and the words are percolating for the page. I'm enjoying my creative process, this mumbling lines to myself as if I'm an actor, this imagining of time, space, being and action.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.