January 17, 2009 @ 7:00am

I was able to get some really good sleep last night and with good sleep comes extra energy, now I want to conquer the world, well not really, I just want to engage in activities a bit more than I have been. And of course, I would pick a weekend like this weekend to want to get out, with temperatures well below zero, I won't be doing much and with my tolerance of cold on the lower level with an increase happening but not enough to go out there and stay out there. But I'm not really interested in talking about the cold, I'm interested in the shift in the air, the changes that I feel are in the making and the tide pulling me closer and closer to my desires. With each moment I gain more wherewithal to honor myself and this path that I am on. It's interesting how others react, as if something is wrong with me, as if doing for them can be the only activity that I should want to participate in, as if I am capable of doing what I want, as if they matter more, as if I'd return to old behaviors in time but I won't, I'm in it to win it, whatever it is I'm suppose to be winning. I know that winning is the way I feel each day when I appreciate doing what's inside my heart and this life slowed down is more memorable and bright.
Today's affirmation from www.scienceofmind.com: I am responsible for my life. In this moment, I move within and vision the life I wish to live. I embrace my vision and know that Spirit moves with me as my partner and co-creator. It's so revelatory to realize that one is responsible for one' s life because as a woman, I am taught to take care of everyone else except myself and which is why it's easy to watch personal goals and dreams walk past. Also, being responsible means that if I don't get to where I need to be or want to be in life, I can't blame anyone or more acutely, I can't make excuses because as a woman, I'm more equipped to make excuses than actually take charge of creating the kind of life that I want. It feels different to first say before engaging in any activity, is this in alignment with my personal goals or is this some more busyness or simple distractions from achieving my personal goals. I keep returning to these thoughts like a broken record but the truth is this, when it comes to prioritizing myself, I'm remedial or belong in the special education class for self care. As they say, I'm faking it until I make it. More like putting my best foot forward and holding on to faith and hope and a sincere consciousness of my ability to succeed. I can do this, I can make it.
Focusing on one thing at a time is a luxury, all this time, I've always felt as if I was suppose to take care of everything, keep my mind on everything, do everything and stay focused on everything. This singular focus is as foreign as the war in the middle-east. There is this war inside of me, one side fighting for the old way of life and the other side fighting for something new and sane. Both sides have very intricate arguments, beliefs, history and something to hold unto. This makes me understand why war happens but it doesn't make me anymore tolerant of how it happens. Perhaps if I can figure out how to stop the war in side of me, there in might lie the answer to stopping wars in the world. The truth is this, each side has a truth, some of it will be in direct opposition but can't more than one truth exist? In the words of Rodney Green, can't we all just get along. There is more than enough room and resources for everyone to live their truth, the biggest lie on the planet, the one perpetrated by organized religion and governmental entities, is this notion that there isn't enough to go around and as such, the goal is to keep people civil and content or content enough to act out on their behalf. I believed this lie for many, many years. the same way I believed that working supervisors and managers had a right to treat me horrible in the work place, it's just what happens but now I know better and so much so I will act on behalf to get out of those type of working relationships. No more than I'm going to stay in an abusive relationship, why would I stay in a abusive working relationship. And this is how the lie manifest itself, a good Christian would tolerate, a saint would just let bygones be bygones and as a socially responsible citizen, I would work under these conditions because sometimes that happens but my main priority is to live up to the social creed of work, paying taxes and staying away from unlawful actions. Where is the me in all of that, where is the ability for me to take some responsibility besides the conditioning, why has this culture settled for bosses that are clearly inappropriate in their behavior taken as something they need to do and something that everyone else has to tolerate. I think about the financial, auto and whatever other monetary bailouts that are occurring and all I can say is that bailout is not different than welfare. We have become a nation of lazy, shiftless and irresponsible people who act like children at work and then when things don't work out we want a handout. Whatever happen to good old fashion hard work and careful planning, action and being proactive which can prevent these financial meltdowns. And as the world's superpower who has linked everyone else in our juvenille social structure, when we fail they fail as well but China knew this but then they too have become hit by the rippling affect.
I'm not sure where this world is going and I should spend my moments celebrating the Black President phenomena but I still contend that he is not the answer, we are all the answer, we have all got to take active and conscious responsibility for our lives. And with a clear vision for our future, know that the universal energy co-creates with us. Americans have got to be co-creators because the truth is we are all trying to get to the same place. I was listening to a resport about autoworkers and how they not only expect to get raises, bonuses while working, they expect the automotive company to take care of them for the rest of their lives and I thought about this, this is not unique to autoworkers, this is a social norm and I'm not sure where it came from and why people wouldn't think that this could come to an end. Ten years ago, I was freelancing, made more money than I ever have since then and no there was no pension or healthcare insurance but what there was, was a seed planted, an understanding that unlike my mother, I may not have the luxury of a pension and so if that be the case, what actions do I need to take to ensure that i will have the financial resources to live out my elderly days. Yeah, my elderly days because although I spend the majority of my life thinking I wouldn't live long, I've accepted the fact that maybe I will. Am I financially prepared for those days? I'm not at the moment but I'm confident that I will be.
So what about the war, people have got to listen to each other and accept that multiple realities, multiple beliefs and multiple kinds of entitlement exist. Also, people need to recognize that land is land, we are who we are no matter where we lay our heads and God is not a fighting God. Beliefs are not worth dying over, they are worth living for. And the compassion that we need with each other needs to start with ourselves. And men have to understand the nature of testosterone and it's agitation towards violence which is perfect reason why women need to be in leadership. We are not the sum of our race, creed, religion, etc. we are humanity, infinitely connected and affected no matter where we stand on the earth. When a woman dies in Hamas, a part of me dies and parts dying is okay but it's the senseless and unnecessary dying that jolts my spirit and causes me to go inside, causes me to hold tight to my vision of peace among all humanity because anything less than that is not enough for me and I refuse to assist in creating a social reality that settles for less. I hold tight to the vision, I refuse to let go and the other half of myself that is in disagreement well I let it be because the other half of myself is not the enemy just like fellow man is not the enemy, the enemy are the ways in which we allow disunity but we can change and we will because half of ourselves will finally engage each moment with finite acts to bring peace. Peace will prevail.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.