Memorial Day Meanderings

When did Memorial day get started and why? Nowadays you can google that question and get a pretty good answer, this reminds me of the time when I would search through the encyclopedia or dictionary to learn about something. I miss the days of paper search, I remembering those rectangular odd shaped library catalog cards, the one's you had to pluck through to uncover where the book you were looking might be. Its in the remembering that I come to realize that this day is more than just the morning of soldiers in federally mandated combat but this has to be a day about all to the casualties of war and about all of the wars named and unnamed.

I'm thinking about all the slaves who died during slavery, all the senseless victims of jim crow and all the science experiments on black people. These are the victims of a race war, we don't call it that but that's what it is. It it equally as important to remember our heroes, the people who against all odds fought for the dignity of humanity, folk like Harriet Tubman, Fredrick Douglass and others.

I was listening to a book on CD about spirituality and I love it when the voice spoke about identity, self identity and empowering one's self to define themselves. It's one of the most challenging things to do in this culture, define the self and celebrity and popularity is more important than character. I began to think about Harriet Tubman and how despite her status as a slave, she claimed an identity that not only led her to believe she deserved better but to actually put herself in a situation where she was able to live with dignity, equality and pride. She didn't let American slave owners define her, she didn't let American racism brand her with an identity, she must have had the type of relationship with spirit that provoked and inspired her to know her own personal truth and this can only come from a deeply profound and internal spiritual underpinning.

I'm realizing that stepping into an identity self proclaimed means that I am now having to mourn, I'm having to remember the old me, the me that is now laid to rest, the me that fought the good fight but the me that really wasn't the me that I wanted or desired or envisioned. I keep sensing this stand still with myself, I'm not sure where to go and what to do but it's clear that I'm not going back to the way I used to be. And it feels strange to move into this unknown territory of self actualization, to finally get to know myself. It is a wonderful feeling to finally honor what I've always wanted to do with my life to step into the active behavior of my heart's longing. It is also ripe with the unknown, I've never been fearful of the unknown and somehow the combination has me at a stand still and in a state of semi-shock. Actually it's like waking up to see the sun after a long, long, long winter or it's a kin to being reunited with someone you haven't seen in years or someone you thought you'd never see again.

I'm here, right where I want to be and it is a memorial to the Charlotte that with as much courage and strength brought me to this point. It is the Charlotte that attempted to please everyone else, do what others wanted her to do and be what others wanted her to be. She played the social game of life, she made lots of mistakes and contributed honorable things but in the midst I tamped down into a corner some of the things I wanted for me because I thought that was best at the time. I left small dreams by the side of the road because life needed me to do something else and I people pleased until I was depleted emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, socially, psychologically and anything else I might have had. I gave in and gave up on me and replaced that with trying to make others happy, trying to be what people thought I should be.

The truth is that I failed miserably at allowing my external reality to define who I was. I failed because I knew deep down inside that's not who I was. I failed because there has been and will continue to be a part of me, the Harriett Tubman part of me that wants to fight for the truth. and today I wonder how many soldiers, in their last hours wondered how they got to where they were. How they allowed the world to define their life and how much of themselves did they forego to serve a country that didn't have the decency to allow them to be themselves. I'm not mourning death, I'm mourning the inability of people to manifest their souls passion. I'm mourning all the spirits lost in a war that wasn't about anything really when you look back at it. It has been and will continue to be a war with the self, the war of self acceptance because if we really got in touch with who we are, loved our own selves, we would not feel the need for war. The war is an internal war with outer consequences. Sometimes people are mean, sometimes people are cruel, sometimes people are simply violent but this is not the true nature of the human spirit, this is the agitation that lingers within the human mind and instead of doing self reflection or creating a moment for contemplation, humanity thinks it's easier to lash out at those nearest to them and some humans are lucky enough to lash out at those far away.

Today I step away from the need to hurt others because of my own internal struggles. I pray that I act in compassion to all that I encounter including myself. My memorial, the death of the old me is sad and magnificent at the same time. I look at the tomb stone I create in my mind to indicate this moment in my human evolution. It's really just the girl-child in me, she's all grown up now. She's at rest, reincarnating into something else and I appreciate her because she carried me for way too long. I won't miss her, just like I won't miss any of the soldiers because the truth is that they are always and ever present in spirit. Happy Memorial Day Humanity and Happy Memorial Day to me.

I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete.