He more things change the more they stay the same

Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can anyone deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me!

~~~~Zora Neal Hurston

I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to get back to blogging but I woke up this morning and decided to get back to the morning page because I am really missing this part of my life. I thought I would be extremely devoted to writing essays but I see that several weeks ago I started writing an essay and I was struggling with making sure it had the correct statistics which meant I had to do some research which I didn't have time for and considering I have limited time in the morning to write, I just couldn't do it. I became discouraged and the writing stopped. I wasn't necessarily disappointed in myself or discouraged. I didn't feel any angst about the absence of writing and I was confident that I would return to the page. I was giving myself space to do something different. In this time I have gathered interesting fodder for my writing and I have tapped into the world a little bit more and I feel refreshed and inspired to write.

I came across the quote from Zora Neale Hurston and although I had seen it many years ago, this reunion with the words were revelatory. I find that what I confront in the world is not discrimination but impatience and intolerance. I sometimes wonder why people, including myself, we tend to size people up within seconds and then make certain judgments. I want to be more patient, I want to be more open and I want to be more loving. I'm still standing behind my need to distance myself from people and I keep rewinding old hurt as an excuse to be semi-anti-social. If I am so fabulous to be around then I have to allow people to be around me but it seems like the older I get the more I want to be with smaller groups of people. I tend to tire of the energy of complaining and the energy of self deprecation. This loner status thing that I claim is allowing me to neglect improving my social skills and it's providing me the perfect excuse to not make new friends. I love people, I'm just learning to discern the complexity of human behavior and the changes that happen as well as we all transcend in one way or another.

The change I think I've made in my life often feels as if I haven't made any change at all. I feel as if I'm at a standstill but then I'm reminded of my power to change my own life. I'm trying to engage this personal power. I'm endeavoring to put into action the kind of life that I want. Part of me is lingering on an action I took which was in essence a broken promise to myself. I heard that a broken promise strips at your self esteem and all this time I took that information to heart but just in this moment, I recognize the untruth in that analysis. Yeah breaking a promise to one's self is an act of opposition but in some ways I needed the experience to hone in on something that I really needed to understand. I understood the problem with the particular behavior but for some reason I needed to travel down that road again. And the truth, the spiritual truth is that in every new moment I have the ability to create my reality without the weight of the past. I continue to listen to my spirituality tapes which guide me toward self actualization and more importantly toward pure self love.
The writing feels jagged and unfocused but that's okay.
I AM PERFECT AND I AM WHOLE AND I AM COMPLETE.