An Enlightened Mind through Spirituality

I can recall in my youth, when I was about six or seven years old, pleading with the God of my understanding for clarity about life's purpose and begging for ability to experience and actualize LOVE. From what I could tell, the only thing in life that seemed to matter was LOVE and I wanted it, whatever it was, however I could get it, I wanted LOVE . I wanted to be loved, I wanted to share love and I wanted that mystical manifestation of love and I'd be damn if I left this earth without knowing for myself the internalization of love.
Forty years later, I still beg and plead but with a recognition with the journey toward love starts with myself which feels like a punishment more than spiritual liberation. I'm already a loner, so to insist that the answer resides within myself feels like more the same, more of the days of loneliness, more of the disconnect from humanity, more of the victim having to save herself, more of a leaning on oneself when the self has never been reliable and more of living misery. It annoyed me and bothered me that the answer was within myself because if any person could look inside of me they would see a truly damaged and messed up person who couldn't possibly have the capacity or the wherewithal to engage a spiritual enlightened existence.
I haven't completely given up on myself nor am I in doubt about my capacity to know the truth of my existence but the journey has been long. I love that song sung by Donnie McClurklin that states. "We fall down but we get up, because the saint is just the sinner who fell down and got up." I seem to habitually find myself getting up after falling down once again. Falling down doing the some thing I did twenty and some thirty years ago. I fall down because of actions that I turn to knowing full well that those types of decisions don't work in my life. I fall down having done something so stupid, I'm embarrassed, ashamed and down right disappointed with myself. I tell myself, you know better, you have done better and you promised yourself you wouldn't go down those roads ever again but there I am, practicing what Iyanla Vanzant calls INSANITY. She says insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
And the part that hurts me the most is the broken promise to myself, I hate when people break there promises to me and yet I'm more likely to break promises to myself more than anyone around me. The thing about breaking promises to yourself is not only a deep and abiding disappointment but a decrease belief in the self, a decrease reliability on the self and eventually I have begun to not really trust or think I have the capacity to do what I promise myself. It is one of the most hurting things, the pain is continual and nagging and borders on torture while in some instances, it feels like I am torturing myself and that's when I turn to suicidal thoughts because I want relief, although I want the experience of love more, I feel completely exhausted and leaving my physical reality seems like the ultimate answer. But even in those moments of exacting defeat, I know what I know and that is, as much as I want to go, I want to stay, I have this thing in me that wants to know love and this thing in me, too stubborn to leave before that happens, too determined to honor the promise I made to the six year old self, too lazy to give in and just enough hope to believe that love can be mine. It's not a large amount and not enough to be seem with the naked eye but I know this hope is present and it encourages me to live.
The path from life to death is shorter than the blink of an eye. I will leave this physical plane but not of my own doing. I live with a yearning for truth and the envelopment of love. I suspect that this simple desire has led me toward the path of enlightenment and it is has been within text that speak of spirituality where I have found a way to leave with bouts of peace, joy and all encompassing love.
My process of spirituality began with lots of reading but the real change did not come until I embraced and was able to actually meditate. In meditation I discovered my monkey mind, I discovered how many thoughts that run through my mind through out any given moment and there were lots. I was one of those people who stayed away from drugs so as to keep my brain highly functioning but in meditation I realized what I needed more than anything, what I needed was to quite all that intellect and experience some silence. Upon further discovery I learned that I had a quite of bit of negative talk in my mind as well. Language and phrases I used as involuntary as breathing, I listened to the way I talked about myself to others, the way I made fun of myself, the words of doubt, fear and self-loathing. The use of comedy to keep people at bay and to express the worst of me in a way that made people laugh including myself. But as I laughed I could feel equally, a pain so damaging, I could easily cry in the midst of my laughter. When I was successful at keeping my mind silent for even thirty seconds, the benefit to my life were a thousand fold. I would transcend issues that haunted me for years within a few weeks of quite meditation. The icing on this cake was the spiritual teachings I gleaned from Unity church, Science of Mind, Buddhism and many other spiritual philosophies. But the greatest day came when I forgave myself for some things not all but this act of self forgiveness opened up my spirit and more than that it opened up my heart.
Now my heart had been closed up like an abandoned building for many, many years, so the process of opening it up was just that a process over time. I still find areas of my heart full of cob-webs and thick with dirt and grime. There are still parts of my heart that I have yet to get to because in those spaces are experiences of hurt that I don't want to deal with right now but I know if I am to every really live a full and wonderful life, I will need to dust away the lie and bring forth the shiny truth. Spirituality has helped me become patient with myself which has opened me up to all the challenges and rewards of spiritual enlightenment. There are times, almost daily when I get frustrated with myself, I become despondent and untrusting of my self but then I just settle into some silence and let the love of spirit carry me from one moment to the next. I recognize in those moments that while the work of spirituality is individualized, I am not alone, the holy spirit is always there and this is truly comforting but this knowledge has taken many years to unearth. I fall down on this understanding all the time because I'm one of those people who thinks that I control everything or need to be in control of everything. But the joy of living has come when the love of God carries me. I find myself full of peace and joy and in full embodiment of this thing we refer to as love. There are still times when I am unknowing but the luxury I have now is that I stop trying and simply surrender because in those moments, I know full well my capacity to mess things up.
Honestly, I'm at this juncture with respect to my spiritual journey, I get the feeling that I'm on the brink of some profound understanding but I don't want to step forward because as the old folks say, when you know better, you do better. Spiritual enlightenment always requires responsibility not only for the self but humankind as a whole. I know I have the tools, the understanding and the ability to sustain an enlightened life, now is the time for me to make a choice. The beauty of spirit is merciful and undemanding, I wish God would force me to do the right thing but then again, I appreciate the opportunity to make my own choice.
I fell down but I got up. I feel down again but I got up. I have fallen down so many times, it's sometimes hard for me to believe that even after all of those time, I still get back up. I get back up because I want to know love, I get back up because something in me, namely God spirit provides me with the energy and the wherewithal to stand on my own two feet. I get back up because falling down is in my mind, only temporary. I recently fell down in my life on many accounts and I looked in the mirror the other day with tears knowing I had chosen to resurrect once again. I can't say for sure where this ability is within me, I can't say for sure how it manifest itself in my life and I can't put my finger on the one thing that straightens my legs but it happens, over and over again, it happens. I'm no saint but I am a soul who endeavors to be enlightened and to actualize in every fiber of my being the spiritual truth. I am thankful for my life, thankful for falling down as well as getting up but more so I am truly grateful for the chance to know the truth of who I am, to experience the Christ within and I won't stop traveling this journey until I get there.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!