March 28, 2009 @ 8:57am

I'm thinking so much about my writing and what to put on the page. How to get inside the moment and reveal in written creative expression the truth in human interaction. I'm discovering the magic of a good story, how it works and when it fails on many levels. And I'm getting better about letting go of the need to think a story is good. I realize I over use the word that which in most instances is completely unnecessary. What I really am endeavoring to tap into is my poetic voice the place inside of me that is master word-smith with ingenuity and individuality. To invent in the way that is unique to myself, to my world and to my living. There used to be this time when I was ultra sensitive about the words, about the stories but now I let them grow up and be who they want to be. My muse a nurturing influence only and not a dictatorship. I'm not as closed off to re-write and trashing something all together and this really excites me, it is an indication of the leap that has taken place over time. I'm excited about writing, I write each day and I feel as if I have landed on the planet I belong. The creation of worlds, people and settings is nearly orgasmic with a hint of stroking of the ego.
I went back to listen to additional sermons by Moira Fox at Redondo Beach Church of spiritual living and it brought me back to an affirmation from the other day about how it is necessary to be engage in spiritual activity all the time. I can see how I have been lax on this point, it's been the attention that I have given to the sexual angst that radiates throughout my being. Yeah, I'm horny, I'm horny all the time and yet I have plenty of moments when I don't allow it to take over my mind, over my thinking and over my concentration. What I know about sex is this, I can engage in the act with someone right now if I want, if that's all I really want and I can of course do some limited self stimulation, I choose the later because I'm tired of having sex with people with whom I have no mental, emotional or relational connection. It always ends with temporary stimulus and this over powering sense of emptiness because in the end the orgasm I thought I was getting wasn't really an orgasm at all but the generic version, the no-name version, the off brand, the substitute but in the end it doesn't really work. I wind up hornier than ever because the scratch wasn't really itched, just rubbed on, barely. So, I'm feeling this need to get some balance in my life including sexually but also spiritually, and physically. Now with the weather nice, I'm excited about getting back outside more, doing more running, doing more gardening and keeping my commitment to making new friends via activities that I like.
Listening to Rev. Fox reminded me that this journey toward spiritual understanding is lifelong and much like the need for me to change my eating, in a nutshell I need a spiritual and physical overhaul, in order for me to get where I want to go, I will need to create a new lifestyle, one full of the elements that allow me to express myself in healthier ways. But what was so important to me and what I heard so eloquently was this notion that I am all right the way that I am. She read this passage from a book by a woman who worked with homeless, disadvantaged youth and in a letter to them she said, you are perfect and you have everything you need, God made you complete and you lack for nothing. And I thought about how we tell kids how imperfect they are, how they lack the proper means to live a good life and how they need to be molded and rehabilitated and made into something that is right when they are already perfect as they are. I love how this woman apologized for the worlds misconception of them but it was her prayer that they will come to know the real God truth of their divine creation as manifested in their wholeness, their completeness and their perfection. Rev. Moira created people to express everything that makes us perfect, a kind of calling to greatness and yet it is a social norm to dumb ourselves down, to play less than and to complain as if something is wrong when there is nothing lacking in our realities besides the ego's need to compare, contrast and compete. I think about this so called recession, my prayer is that people will stop watching the news and start watching how blessed they are to have life and breathe. My prayer is that the anxiety that has gripped humans across the globe, I await the day people lay their burdens down with spirit and start to live within the confines of the truth. My real prayer is for people to re-discover what is important. To rediscover themselves and what makes them unique, happy and what's makes them feel alive. I pray for a reformation of familial love, the coming together of family in love because there is so much drama in families, mine is no different but I want to connect with them, I want to be in their presence without the drama and I want what I have always known as the good family stuff, the laughing, the loving, the playing and the sticking together.
Rev. Moira reminded me to step into the reality that I want. So if I am a writer then be the writer that I am, if I desire a relationship then be in a mode of constant preparation for a relationship, make time, space and energy to give love to another. Altruism, to give without expectation and I know this better than anyone when I give without a need for outcome, I get back some of the most powerful and greatest getting back I have ever known. But also, I am engaging mindfulness with a serenity that I have read about but now experience on a daily basis. Something as simple as eating when I am hungry as oppose to just eating for the sake of eating or eating to fill the imaginary empty places or to eat as a response to stress, anxiety or whatever. And more and more each day I use my mind to create the world I want and I keep coming back to simple living. I come back to a house with a big yard, a dog, a cat, a garden, a swing on the porch, fresh air, kids, family, dirt road, abundance of trees, hard wood floors, a big kitchen with breakfast nook on a sun porch, a man who kisses me every morning, writing room with bay windows and shelves full of books I read over and over again, jogging pants as every day wear, nappy hair bantering about, bare feet living, plants, music, art, laughter and plenty of love. I don't want for much but it feels like the impossible given the world we live in but I am so eloquently reminded by Rev. Moira that my reality is God's reality and God isn't expressing a recession in my life, God is expressing what God always expresses which is an abundance of goodness, prosperity and more love than I can ever imagine. The truth is that I needed a reality check because I think the world is that reality but I know there is the divine reality, the divine expression and divine love. I claim God's goodness for me today and always.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!