March 23, 2009 @ 8:15am

Monday Morning Mayhem, well not really it's a mellow Monday melancholoy and I'm back to the grind of the work week. I painted my fingernails black and my hands look spectacular. I'm in all black today so perhaps people will think I've gone Gothic but I'm not really interested i how people will interpret the simple self expression. I so like the contrast of brown and black, the way the shape of my fingers stick out and have this distinct edge to the finger. It's all looking very sexy and really different for me, since I never wear fingernail polish.
I'm feeling hopeful this morning and I'm feeling like I'm in the middle of some life juxtaposition yet I'm unclear as to where the path is leading. Why I need to know the definite destination? Actually I don't, I just need to enjoy the ride to where ever I will land. And as much as I want to be in the driver's seat, I'm cool with being escorted this time around. I'm open to the final veiling of a surprise, I like being surprised and I like having to figure things out.
However well I am doing with some things, there are areas of my life that I truly struggle with and my sexual drive is one of those angst that I seem to contend with day after day after day. Yesterday, I came to realization that I might end up with a partner who has a significantly lower sexual drive and how this ma not be an issue if so many of the other needs in the relationship are met. I considered sex with emotional attachment as potentially being far more satisfying thus reducing my requirement for sexual intimacy, it sounds good and it even has some decent philosophical underpinning but it doesn't erase how horny I am and continue to be, so I found myself pleading with the universal spirit to bring along someone quicker rather than later. I can laugh at myself today but there are those moments when I am in bed and the challenge is before me, it's front and center and no matter how hard I try to think of other things, I just can't go there, I can't leave the physicality of wanting sex.
Now that I've had my monday morning meandering about the three letter word, I'm wondering about my dreams again. They are weird and full of people, places and incidents that are unruly and a challeng to decipher. I only remember specks of several dreams but in one instance I was a teacher, I was helping a group of people escape, I was laying down perhaps in a hospital bed and I recall having this disgusting feeling about the sex I had had with someone who I wasn't even remotely attracted to. It was a challenge for me to fall asleep and once I did, my mind went all over the place and this surprised me considering the peace I've been feeling and the contentment I've become more and more comfortable with. I'm at this juncture, as I mentioned earlier, where things are perculating, change is upon me and I'm a bit anxious, I'm a bit desirous of knowing what's coming next and I'm working really hard not to project myself into the future but to enjoy the moments that I am in right now. To appreciate and give thanks for all that I have and all that is available to me in this very moment.
I can feel the wayward energy of life swirling all around me and although I protect myself from the constant angst of worry, strife and negativity, it still enters my domain. I want to assure people that everything is going to be alright but my tiny voiceis lost in a sea of voices giving continual diagnosis and volume to doom and inevitable destruction. My prayer is that people will stop wishing for the way things were because the old way didn't work, I wish they would come to the realization that in the world of technological advancces, we have used these tools to amass so much destruction and so much deception and with catastrophic results. I hope that people will look around at all the material things they have amassed and ask themselves why? But more importantly, people will stip away from over consumption of material things and re examine the people in their lives. To pick up and give time to loving those closest to them. We may not be able to control the world but we can control the stress and stop giving our power over to strees because it doesn't have to rule our lives. l Iiving beyond your means is stressful, buying things on credit is stressful, working a job you don't like is stressful, settling for a relationship that doesn't really work or bring out the best in you is stressful, consuming material goods for no good reason is stressful and neglecting to care for one's self is the worst kind of stress and the biggest disservice we can do. The spending has got to stop and quiet as it is kept, the economical world will continue to exist, it may change but it won't evaporate into thin air which is what most people think. Look in the mirror, come to remember the good that is ultimately inside of you and find compassion for loved ones. I feel like I'm preaching but this sermon is to myself, I'm really just talking ot myself like I always do in my morning pages. I continue to recognize the need to remind myself, I feel like I'm super slow but I get that it's more about reprogramming, it's about coming back to what matters and it's about gently prodding myself in the direction of love. I feel as if I'm falling in love with myself but not in the usual way, no this love is like diving in for good, melting into the mixture of pure love with wings. The image that comes to mind is one where I am sitting on my Big Mama's porch swing, I'm just swinging back and forth and back and forth and it feels like I can be on the swing for the rest of my life. I can feel the southern summer air, the smell of flowers and vegetable gardens and the stinch of hogs in the back yard. I bake in the sun's rays feeling on fire, feeling the comfort of warm air breezy and divine. Each moment feels effortless on that swing, I move through life gliding and flowing and directionally beautiful. My arms are spread wide as I take it all in, as I feel the hand of air rub against my face, neck, chest, and arms. My favorite part of swinging is the way my legs hang off the seat, droopy and limp against the air. As much work as we do with our feet, as much work as feet do tot get us thorugh life when I am on that swing my legs and feet get to rest and they are appreciative of their time off. The thing about swinging is that it engages change in a natural way, I guess it's much like life because in one sense you go forward and then you find yourself going backwards but as many times as I swing backward and forward and land in the same place, I feel different each time, I feel something mystical and blessed has occured. Maybe this is my lesson, life is like swinging and although you land in the same doesn't mean it's the same, doesn;t mean that I'm the same, it just means that I can grow in ways more complex than the simple linear way, my growth expands inwardly and with that I stand in the same place different, better and with more love.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!