March 1, 2009 @ 8:29am

Today's affirmation: The gifts of the Spirit spill out through me daily as peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing, and love. How I treasure my inner life! I know that, lock, stock, and barrel, I am God's beloved, and I accept the best that my Spirit can give (www.scienceofmind.com).
Sunday mornings the best day of the week for me, it is the only day where I require absolutely nothing from myself and if anything needs to get done, I will put it off until Monday. It is also a day of quiet solitude and usually a time when I am the most self reflective. I have an inner joy of knowing that most of the people in the world are huddled in their churches seeking the truth and I can't help but be glad about this although I'm 100% certain that they are getting the type of spiritual teaching to help them really heal and love themselves but I can hope.
I'm sleeping better and I'm awaking with a strong sense of purpose for my life. I had a moment yesterday where I cried and it was cathartic, it was more vomiting, in a figurative way, of letting go of the things of my past that do not serve me. It was an emotion that I had been with for years and was finally releasing it and letting it go. It has been spiritually transformative for me to let go and LET GOD. The need to control, contrive or create in forceful manner is subsiding, I am accepting all of who I am and opening space to receive the treasure of living.
I loved this morning's affirmation as I always do but I deeply connected to this notion of gifts of the spirit and how they spill out from me. Peace, joy, wisdom, intelligence, healing and love. It was nice to read the word intelligence because I have often felt ashamed of being a bit geeky or smart as if somehow this above average ability to think made me a freak of nature or something. The list is so simplistic yet complex at the same time. I'm challenged by this requirement to spill forth the gifts because I think I have always felt like gifts were mine alone and not to be shared but I am inspired to share, I am motivated to be an example of peace, joy, etc. I can see how sharing these gifts, I can't help but find more manifestation of these gifts within the world.
I am brought into the thought about giving, how I consider myself a person who has given and given and given my entire life. And I have but if I'm honest, I have given to get, I have given with expectations and I have given in a place of doubt and fear about my self worth, so the act of giving wasn't giving in any real sense. And that is why I have never felt the real joy of giving, the real peace of letting it go, the divine wisdom of giving without need for something in return, the healing power of it all or the spiritual intelligence that is begifted for the sake of another, that other who is connected to me and understanding that by giving love, it circulates in the interconnectedness of us all and will inevitably return back to me. I get that when I love someone else it is an act of self love because I am honoring the God in both of us.
Life is gift and I'm trying with each day to get better and better at it. I am attempting to embrace the truth and live my life accordingly. Mostly I'm really getting to know myself, getting back to what it is that I want for my life, what I am good at and the best ways to live with love. I'm so into putting into action what I know spiritually with my heart, mind and soul but especially with my heart, more so with my heart and allowing my heart to take center stage.
If I am honest with myself my greatest challenge is trust and faith. Being the oldest, I feel this real need to be in control and the same time I verbally express a desire to not be in control but this is contradictory in the least. Also, I realize in this moment, I want someone to take care of me, I want someone to do this work, make the decisions and allow me time to rest. And I attract people that are the same way and then I'm frustrated or disappointed, not really understanding that the disappointment is not with the other person but with myself. My mind is saying what would it be like to give your all to someone without expectation? These words sound so beautiful, Godly and amazing but I enter immediately into a space of doubt about the other persons actions when the whole thing is about doing without expectations, I can't seem to jump into what I'm going to expect. But when I am in the stillness, the quiet meditation, God is constantly whispering in my ear that to give unconditionally is the only way to be and I hear Spirit whisper that everything will be alright, my only job is to trust, have faith and be in the moment. Although I have spent my whole life trying to control everything, I am not into control, God is and this lesson for me is about relinquishing the need to control to the holy spirit and to know that goodness will prevail if I just let go. I keep returning to this idea of letting go, it's where I get stuck from time to time. I'm okay with getting stuck because at least I'm not moving forward and creating a bigger mess. Stuck means I'm okay, I'm inviting something different, I'm open to God.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!