January 6, 2009 @ 8:00am

Good Morning World! It's an amazingly cold morning but not too cold, I'm appreciative of old man winters gentility because in years past, it seemed that not only was it cold but it would snow for days on end. I'm not wishing for spring just yet but I am enjoying the cold without the deep freeze. Today's affirmation from science of mind (www.scienceofmind.com): Today, I set the intention to live my life to the fullest. I know there is no obstacle that Spirit and I cannot overcome. I am prepared to live my dreams.
This is a wonderful affirmation and just the words that I'm needing right now. I was watching Oprah yesterday, and yes I'm a closested fan but most of the time I don't have time to watch. It was about weight and there were these five questions that was poised for people who are over weight, really good questions like why are you overweight? what are you really hungry for? why haven't you been successful in your weight loss attempts? how would weight loss change your life? and what in your life is not working? I journaled for a good while last evening pondering these questions and although I wanted to blame my mother, society and other things on my condition, I realize that I'm overweight by choice as well as the choices that I make, and stems from teh choice I make to eat as oppose to living my life the way I want to. I eat because I'm single which in turn means I'm hungry for affection, companionship and loving sex. I put the loving on the sex because I'm good at unemotional recreational sex which only feels good for a hot second and then it's almost as if you didn't have any, I guess you can say it's like chinese food. I realize that what's missing in my life is that zest for living, I've given so much of myself that my well has run completely dry and even with nothing there, I'm constantly trying to give more. I uncovered that I lost weight thinking that my life would change, that I would obtain the things my heart desire when I was slimmer and when nothing really happened besides people telling how good I look although I thought I looked good before and people in awe as if I had lost a zillion pounds when I only lost about 50 which is a lot but not enough to warrant gawks and theatrical congratulations. I recognize that I am mental intellectual spiritualist who has the knowledge but does very little to put these amazing principles into action, yes I admit that I'm all up in my head. I admit that so much of what has gone on before now is a mistrust of myself but at the same time not giving myself the tools, resources and support to live my best life. Also, I'm the world's best outline, making a schedule, menu Queen but do I really follow my plan, most of the time I'm good (50%) and then instead allowing myself to slip off the wagon every now and then I fall off completely, have a falling off party and take falling off to a whole new level. I could of just fell off but no I had to make it an event, a grand event, a pitty party turned extravagant bash and then I sulk, cry and tell God how unhappy I am and then of course, in perfect dramatic fashion I want to die, kill myself because living is too much for me.
It's a new day when I can look back upon these times with humor and laugh at myself because there was a time when I was way too serious, way to self absorbed but thought that everyone else wasthe problem. I'm not sitting here fully blaming myself but I am allowing myself to be self reflective, to understand the ways in which I created my reality and take ownership for the part I can and do play in making my life what it is. It's a new day for me to have the courage, strength and wherewithal to grow up and take responsibility for my life.
As I take responsibility I still hunger a companion, I still hunger for companionship, I still hunger for loving sex and I know that my job is to take active steps toward fulfilling that hunger because sitting at home or having a pitty party won't bring my partner to me. I'm reminded of a saying from the recovery community, take one day at a time and what spiritual leaders tell us, take each moment at a time. Also, my thoughts travel to the serenity prayer, I can do some things because I have control but then there are other things that I have not one ounce of control over and those are the things that I relinquich to the co-creator, to God. However, the reality is this, I'm a know it all, I think too much and a borderline control freak, so my challenge is to know the difference and in knowing the difference I won't need to stress myself out with things that for God to handle. I today surrender to allowing God to handle some of the things in my life, imagine that, aren't I a gracious human being, aren't I generous and humble. It goes back to what I said earlier, not only will I be required to trust myself but to trust in God, a God I thought for a very long time didn't care, a God I thought was in the sky looking down on me, a God that gave little black girls their dreams in the here after. God is speaking to me and she's said that I can have my hearts desire right now, right here on earth. And I'm doing everything in my power to believe her, to embrace her inner spirit within me. Okay, I'm in my moments, I'm taking care of myself and I'm surrendering some of this life work to the divine spirit. And I'm empowering myself to choose, I'm forgiving myself and everyone. I'm creating a new day for me, I am renewed, I am one with spirit. I'm hard-headed with soft behind, today I resurrect Charlotte, I salute her divinity and I trust that she will accomplish any and every goal. More than that, she will be feed in the areas in her life where she is hungry, it's like bumping up against the wall, if it don't taste right then try something else but the emphasis has to be to keep trying and I'm in it. I am perfect, I am whole and I am complete. I am God, I am Love and I am that I am. I LOVE ME.