January 31, 2009 @ 5:12am

Good Morning Saturday! The first thing on my mind is why is there a superbowl and a pistons game on Sunday? Now let's consider the fact that I'm not a sports fan and will probably not watch either game, the importance of this to me is what? I can't answer that, I think I was just thinking that since the superbowl was on Sunday, the rest of the world cease to exist, all sports i benched until after this spectacular affair. Actually I'm glad to know that the superbowl is not that powerful or self righteous, I guess it's like any other day when several sports teams are playing in various locations. This revelation is not important but evocative.
I'm reading the Power of Now byEckhart Tolle and I'm reading this chapter about relationships, well because I've got the thought of entering into a relationship on my mind. And I rad this chapter before but somehow I didn't remember a single thing I had read before, so each word lept out at me with a newness that was unexpected but delightful. However, I felt aligned with the message about love and much of the information resonated with me.
For instance, I have never believed in the notion of "falling in love" because I've always felt if you simply fall into something, then there is the highly likelihood of falling out of it. I'm also a firm believer in just loving someone unconditionally but that doesn't mean you take there abuse or neglect. Eckhart shares in his book this notion of searching and longing for intimate partnership, this something that is outside of ourselves. As long as we are searching for something outside of ourselves we will never find it. The ultimate search is for completeness, wholeness with the self but relationships can be a path to this.
I think about what happens for me when I'm just starting out in a relationship. I meet said person and it is clear we like each other and perhaps we consciously or unconsciously or verbally or non-verbally agree to get to know each other. Instantly, I can now see where some problems might arise. For example, unconscious or non-verbal assumptions are the things that get me into interactions that aren't good for me and I go through a series of events that make me ride the roller coast of supposed love. I'm thinking she/he is giving me the cues for moving toward a relationship but of course, I like to joke around, be silly and talk about anything but where this interaction is going because I don't want to run the person off. But then within moments, days the person starts to engage in behaviour that seems counter productive to building a partnership and now I'm mad, upset and/or distant. Of course the person may check in with me about my feelings and I'll explain my assumption and then they will say well I didn't know that's what you wanted because you never said anything and because they can't read my mind. But of course they can read my body, they can freely partake of my time, attention and affections but of course they can't read where I might be thinking about a relationship, of course not. So one thing leads to another, in some cases we move forward trying to create something but the red flag is there but I can't see it. Or in other cases, there is no movement or there are parameters, we can see each other but only under these conditions. the whole power and control pistol is pulled out and I've always been afraid of guns, so I run to the hills and become the hermit that I was always meant to be. Now for those instances when the relationship moves forward, it is doomed to fail from the ump because anytime someone says I didn't know that you were feeling that way, I didn't know what was on your mind is someone who isn't really interested in your feelings nor are they interested in knowing what's on your mind otherwise they would ask. But this same person has no qualms about using our body as an instrument to obtain intimate pleasure. I get it now.
I get how when things flow a certain way, we are only setting ourselves up for failure. I get that when I'm so invested in a relationship to be or do something for me because I'm in a state of neediness or what Eckhardt calls the state of disillusionment when I feel disconnected and separated from the oneness, relationships become the thing that I look to fill the empty spaces. But nothing outside of ourselves can fill the empty spaces and this seems so odd because our social culture dictates that we need to find fulfillment in relationships with other people. I'm an expert at realizing early on that a relationship is not going to give me what I really want yet I enter in the agreement thinking it will and fighting to the end to get what I think I want. I fail but get back up and do the same thing, the definition of insanity.
I'm not one of those people who get jealous or possessive but I have this cocky confidence about myself. I know that I can hook someone in with sexual intimacy, I'm a pro at this and I watch it time and time again, only to discover that while the sex may be good, it has not one single glue-like property, it holds together nothing. I'm good at judging those who can't see what is good about me, what is valuable in the getting to know me and so I step away. I step out of the dysfunction and I cry out to God for help once again. And with each tear, I fell this inner knowing, this message of self love. A personal sermon suggesting that what I am looking for is not outside of me or with someone else, everything I need I have and I hate hearing it because it means I have to accountable and in just this moment, for a long time I felt it meant I was alone. I can see how I thought that I have everything I need meant I and no we or us. I was afraid that self love would translate to being alone, now I contend that it is simply a space where I can actualize for myself, so as I can be the expression and be in expression with others around the magnificience of love. I guess this is aha moment, wow I hadn't gotten that.
Eckhart was talking about how when two people began their courtship there is nothing but bliss but within a matter of time, usually a very short time we pull away and began to judge. In this place of judgment comes resentment, jealousy, possessiveness and much, much more. I remember in the last interaction I had I was pretty calm about the whole affair and was open for something new and functional. I was able for the first time to look down on the relationship objectively and I witnessed the typical chain of events. In my state of self love, I watched this other human being scramble for ways to create drama, to disrupt my contentment, to attempt acts of possessiveness, the person engaged in nearly violent acts of jealousy and there I was simply wanting to get to know them. I kept saying to them, look you don't have to be anything for me but yourself, I just want to get to know you and it was if I said something else, what that something else is, I'll never know. What I did come to understand and is that this person was so invested in pretending, in creating an image of something they were not and hadn't has someone say to them, it's alright to be yourself. I was saddened because not only could they not open themselves to this simple expression, they had to capacity to be present for me as I expressed who I was. I'll never forget that moment of reflection.
That's why it has been imperative for me to take care of myself, to focus my energy on the resurrection of Charlotte. To get to know me again, to uncover what I really like and to express what I want in this time I am going to live on this planet. I'm not interested in the busyness anymore, in the things to do just so I can say I have things to do. Time out for complaining and whining and bragging about how much stuff I've got to do and no time to do it. time out for engaging in socially acceptable dysfunctional behaviors. Time out for treating myself badly while taking care of others. It's time out for days of feeling suicidal. It's time out for interactions with people that are completely and totally invested in "DRAMA" because I'm here to live. Time in for peace of mind. Time in for simple joy. Time in for witnessing each moment as special, unique and divine. Time in for re-uniting with the earth, the soil, the abundance of plant & animal life around me. Time in for doing the one thing I've always wanted to do with my life and that is write. Time in for eating healthy. Time in for doing more running, I love to run and not away but into the breathe of life and good health. Time in for a sewing machine. Time in for a garden full of food to nourish my body and strengthen my soul. Time in for long walks. Time in for racquet-ball and tennis. Time in for telling stories to children that teach them to know life more intimately, more functionally and more rooted in self-love. Time in for an intimate partnership with a soul who is ready to be the best for themselves and open to sharing life with me, as I endeavor to be my best self.
I get it, I really do get it and it feels right, it feels like the moment and I get this deep and abiding sense of love.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!