January 30, 2009 @ 5:12am

I awake a little earlier than normal and I try to spend as much time meditating before I'm summons back into the thinking world. It feels good to be forty-two years old and life has brought many experiences my way. I've managed to get this far with my physical body in tact, a few less teeth and my mind is, well as the old folks used to say "I'm closed and in my right mind."
Today's affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com): Today, I see myself as a spiritual being. I realize there are no limits to what I can be or do. I see only my potential to realize and live all my dreams. As I ponder the meaning of this affirmation, immediately I recognize that I am spiritual being and this is something that I have always been cognizant of and never doubted. The notion of knowing myself as more than the physical body was an understanding that I was haunted with at a very early age but didn't have the mental tools to decipher why this phenomena existed. Church didn't really help although it provided me with just enough insight to keep me from thinking I was totally crazy. Also, it is my Aquarian nature to be a humanitarian and to care about people but it was clear from childhood that people were suffering, this bothered me profusely and although I couldn't quite find an answer to resolve all the hardship humans endured, I felt there was an answer somewhere. I was not fooled into believing that the answer was in the by-an-by but there was a small part of me that was willing to wait until death to find the perfection I sought for in life. Now, I sometimes feel as if I could kick myself for spending so much of my time in an ignorant mode of victimhood, there are so many things I want to do and today's affirmation reminds me that even at 42, there are no limits. There are no limits, this notion of limitless feels euphoric and has a seducing quality, it's as if I'm not sure if I should believe it or not.
I can realize my dreams. My dreams are simplistic anyways and not because of mental limitation but because there isn't a whole lot that I want. I want peace of mind, love, joy, compassion and connection to community more than I want a million dollars or a expensive car or home. I'm also finally feeling that internal clock, the one that yearns for a long-term relationship, I think it's like the biological clock which never went off in me and hopefully it won't ever because the last thing I need are babies. I like children and enjoy the energy of spontaneous youth but to spend my days with an unpredictable sleep pattern or slapped with the seemingly endless diaper fumes for what seems like years but from months on end. I like the whole child rearing phase from 2 years old to right before they stop liking you as a parent and this not liking the parent thing can happen anywhere from 10 to 18. Before they are two I would much prefer to keep my big sagging breast to myself, the feeling of being touched out was common when I breastfed yet the little growing spectacles needed nourish and the kind of nourishment in the store was out of my budget so free food was the ticket. Also, I wonder how much of current social cultures pulls women away from their natural maternal instincts. In what ways are we so ill equipped to nurse with compassion and joy. There were moments when I found the joy of offering my tit to my tot and I cherish those memories with pure delight.
As I enter in the 7th cycle of seven, I get the feeling that I will live life more abundantly, I will step into my spiritual beingness and know the wonder of living. Of course, I want to be dismayed about the timing of it all but there is no time like now, so I'm focused on the moment, giving each breath attention, each bit of consciousness a chance to expand endlessly into the realm of possibilities. I have for many years believed that we have many possibilities for our lives, it's just a matter of going in one direction or the other. I choose to step onto the path of my heart's desire, to once and for all honor what it is I want to bring into each moment and to be guided by the divine, as we co-create this thing called living. I like that I smile more at people, I like that I look more at people, I like that despite what I might think as short-comings of people, I see the God in them, I see the good and I see my connection to them.
Yesterday felt like the best birthday I've ever had and it was full of any pomp and circumstance, it was just another wonderful day. A day where I let myself have the day off from certain things and I let myself move in the direction of my desires amid other things. I can see how far I have come. It was utter perfect joy to receive a text message from my mother, saying Happy Birthday. I sent her a message back thanking her for not only the message but for bringing me to this world. I told her that I hoped that the labor wasn't too long, although I have a feeling that I came quick. I've always felt that I choose to come here and I wanted to come here bad. I suspect that I sensed some opportunity in living the physical human form, I wanted whatever that was. I've also been just as willing to go back to the where ever when I felt I was not living up to my fullest or not getting the most out of life. But now, I'm content to being here for however long and I've come to the realization that I may not grasp all there is in the physical human form, yet I'm certain I can come again or perhaps I will look back and realize that I did grasp everything there was.
I am perfect and I whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.