January 26, 2009 @ 6:20am

Good Morning Monday. I was dreaming that I was giving a ride to a whole bunch of family members which I think is a bit of residue from a scene that I'm trying to write in a children's story. I decided that riding around town with my family was borderline a nightmare, so I tried to drift my mind into another space and time in dreamland but it didn't work as people started tapping my shoulder's, asking questions about the destination. And then of course there was the enfamous front seat driver, telling when to slow down, how to turn and providing apporval or disapproval of my driving methods. At one point in the dream, I removed all the luggage, for some reason there was luggage in the dream and I stopped on State Street near the thrift shop and put the luggage in my other car that happened to be parked on this street. Once I put all the luggage in the other vehicle, I wondered why no one was driving that other car. I went back to chaffeurring the family around and of course they resumed there annoying habits and I kept with this dream for quite a while and in the end we never arrived anywhere I was just driving and driving. That's when I convinced myself to awake because there are some dreams I don't really want to be in for very long, I tend to not remember dreams but here I am writing about it. Not only have I allowed it to become a part of my memory, I'm carving this story into a concrete form, for all to suffer along with me. But where were we going? And why was I the one taking us there?
If I were into dream interpretation, I would have some fancy reason why I dreamt this incident. I will say that I am struggling with how to write a scene about a little girl, her mother goes to pick up her cousins to take them all to a movie but this dream was nothing close to what I'm attempting to write because I was not the driver but the girl in the story is the driving force. I think I'm getting close to a plausible explanation for the dream. Okay, I got it, the truth is this, there is always someone in the family who has the propensity to hold the group together, sometimes it's a male and sometimes it's a female. I think that my family is falling apart yet I'm getting to that age and have shown a level of stability that makes me a likely candidate for familial glue, the one with power to keep the klan cohesive or at least marginally cohesive. I am very interested in this role, a role I hadn't really considered for myself but I'm probably the only one who thinks about this, I'm probably the only that genuinely cares and I'm probably the only who hasn't fought with any of my family with the exception of my sister, who I don't fight with, I simply give her space when she is having mental challenges. I can relate because I have struggled with controlling the content of my brain, my thoughts, my moods, my emotions and my actions. I've never really thought of myself as crazy although there are those who would like to say that I am bipolar although we live in a very bipolar world, there are those who think I'm taking medications which I have never done, not for one day because despite the feel of disorientation, I have uttered prayers with oceans of seas hoping and wishing and counting on whatever higher power entity exist, that it would rbing me to the light of understanding. For all the years I prayed, cried, begged, pleaded, demanded, swung my arms in the air for, the answer never really came to my satisfaction but what I have discovered is that over the years what the divine spirit did was give me bits and pieces because remember I spiritually special ed. In the midst of culmination over time, I would suddenly look up and discover that I had learned to live more peacefully, I would learn to honor my true instinctual feels, I would learn to say no, I would learn to have financial stability, I would learn to stop all busyness, I would learn to be gentle with myself, I would learn to be gentle with everyone else, I would learn to look at the moon, I would learn to meditate, I would learn to honor my body as a temple, I would learn to masturbate, I would learn to decide my own fate, I would learn and learn and learn. And even after all of that learning, what I have discovered is the more I learn, the more I recognize how much I really don't know. I don't know and I may not ever know but at least each day is a new adventure, an opportunity to grow from the unexpected pleasure of awakening to new knowledge.
I used to think so many negative things, one of them was this, I thought that I only had so many words, although I wanted to be a writer more than anything, I had this dilemna because I thought little black girls only had a certain amount of words. I must confess, I'm beyond this thought but only a little bit and the reason why I know this is because as I write, as I am writing today, I am in awe at the words I write, I am amazed that I have all these words, I am flabbergasted at the infinite amount of words at my disposal. For years, I never that this would be but it has taken all this time for me to allow my brain to know the bountifulness of words and the endless amount of writing I can achieve. This is an example of growth over time, the remedial way I come to understand spiritual concepts. I'm just happy that I'm a learner that I'm a person who is a forever student (a term I hated when I was younger) and open to being and getting better and better.
I realize that I may need to be the driving force to keep my family linked and connected. It's a job I had not expected but a baton I will gladly take. And if it means driving them around in a car then so be it. I may not know where we are going but at least we are together. At least I will do my part to assist in making sure that they are alright, that we know we have somewhere to go and people who love us. I'm teared up and blessed by the writing this morning. I'm so humbled and honored to hear the voice of truth, it is so comforting and inspiring.
What a beautiful affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com). Today, I commit to using my gifts to serve humankind. As I serve, I am both a blessing, and I am blessed.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.