January 24, 2009 @ 7:15am

This is the second morning of reading children's books, middle age because I've written several short stories and they look to be stories for middle age readers which is both exciting and interesting because I thought I was going to write in the voice of an adult but clearly my muse keeps presenting the words in the voice of a child. There is also a sense of healing as I write these stories from my youth although I embellish and add the dramatic arc, this looking back on the past allows me to recall those moments when being a child was the best thing in the whole wide world, when everything around me had potential, when I was trying to figure it all out yet thinking I knew everything at the same time. It's funny to think about my meandering around in life attempting to uncover the nuances of living while somehow reflecting on some inner knowledge, an inner ability to know things because I wanted to. Days of guessing with a strong sense of conviction and a need to be right all the time. The oldest had to be smarter, wiser, had to know better, had to have answers and had to be strong. I'm still this way to a degree, no to a very large degree, actually I've been this way all my life and it hasn;t subsided one bit if anything I have accumulated information for the sake of habit and if I don't know I'll guess. Sometimes when I guess I tell you I'm guessing and other times I'll swear up and down that it is the definite truth even though I'm not sure.
Affirmation: I accept that Spirit is always with me. I am never alone. I choose how I see any situation in my life. I choose to see God, to see growth, and to seek peace (www.scienceofmind.com). I was just thinking that I would join a church this year but after two times of attending I gave up not because anything was wrong but because it felt like I was doing the busyness thing and what I am endeavoring to do is be in my moments without parameters, suppositions, determinants or expectation. Maybe I will go and maybe I won't or maybe I'll spend the day writing or looking up at the sun or drawing pictures or sewing a new dress or dancing like I used when I was younger. Maybe I will talk all day on the phone with my friend or hold my lover in my arms or play cards with Jeremiah or give myself a pedicure or look at old pictures or go to the market or buy a plant, it's just that all week long I am confined to my job and now what I want more than ever on the weekend is the freedom to breath, to be flexible, to be spontaneous or to do absolutely nothing and not feel one micro ounce of guilt, that's the life I want to live. That is the life I am going to live because life is a choice and today and every day here after I choose to live my life with fullness, with wonderment about the next moment, with compassion for single thing in the universe, with awe for life's simple splendid blessings. I'm not sure I knew I had lungs in my chest that filled with air and now my heart nestles between the two lungs and takes in the current from the stream of divine energy that comes from the air, the air from the outside, my heart palpitates in synch with what is true and divine.
I feel the rush of ideas in mind and it pushes me to find an appropriate meditative method. To give concerted energy to one idea and guide the inspiration to it's resting place or to the place where it is ready for the next step and allow it to springboard into it's destiny. Put one foo tin front of the other, put one word in front of the other, put one moment in front of the other, and the beautiful thing about moments is that you can't orchestrate them any other way, they come sequential and parallel and individual and with pop. Moment to moment is God's gift to higher level thinking animals such as humans, it's the counter act of consciousness, perhaps it is the thing that brings about balance to a mind that constantly seeks to know more. there are days when I feel as if I am trying to sequester a new something, as I rub my fingers together, rack my brain for more, more of what I already have but can't see it or pull it out for use. It is consumption, the need to consume more and more things. I remember as a child I couldn't wait until the seasonal catalogues would come in the mail. Sears, JCPenney, Spiegel's, etc. I would go through them and pick out all the things I wanted and then I would list them on a pice of paper and add up the cost. Luckily or not, I knew about money, I was well aware about how much things cost and was privy to my mother's financial situation because I served as her assistant in calling bill collectors and negotiation payment terms. Nevertheless, I would make my wish list and look at the large number that loomed. I knew I would never get all those things but it was fun making those list, I continued to make list after list after year after year but in the back of my mind I knew the truth of what I could reasonably expect to consume which was very little. I don't think I was upset but wondered why we lived in a world where some people could order all the things they wanted in the cataloge and why some of us couldn't. I began to question a God who dispensed things unevenly when supposedly the path was open to all, it seemed contradictory, it seemed unfair and it didn't seem Godly or the way God was explained.
Currently, I am a minimalist and people come into my space with that terminology on a regular basis, I guess if I consumed more than perhaps I would be more interesting or whatever. I don't consume because I learned early on about consumption. I recognized when my mother would "splurge" as she called it, it meant that we may not have lights for a few days or the water cut off or I'd have to try to convince some bill collector to give us more time. Why my mother put me up to the task, I'll never really know but I suspect someone told her to use me, to use the innocence of my voice against the eardrum of an adult on the other end of the phone line. The truth is that it proved to be affective, they all buckled under my youthful pleas and time and time again, my mother was granted extensions. I thought my mother would get her act together and start to pay bills on time but she never did and still hasn't. i don;t consume because I know first hand what it means to over consume and I'm not interested in spending my days begging people for extensions, I spent enough of my youth doing that, I don't want to wonder if the check I wrote but can't clear made it to the utility company in time for me to not have my service shut off. And I don't want any pink notices, these are notices that cause people to have to move out and I never knew what they were until a friend of mine told me about it because while at my house she witnessed a man giving my mother a pink slip. I'm alright with minimal lifestyle because it has never been things that has made me happy. I'd rather talk on the phone with a friend, play cards with my kids, watch the moon, walk to the park, sew a new dress or smell the neighbor's roses. What I rather do is simply love, know love, be love and feel the majesty of love all around me.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!