January 10, 2008 @ 7:30am

Today, I consciously choose to slow down. I make time for myself. I relax into the peace of the present moment and allow Spirit to fill my life. These words from www.scienceofmind.com was the just the permission I needed to not do a whole bunch of stuff today, a day of snow and chill.
I went to the affirmation first because I wasn't able to to grasp any words, wasn't sure what I would bring to my morning page. I'm eating grits which I love and don't make but a few time during the winter, one container from the store will last me a year. Oh yeah, I went to the movies last night with Jeremiah, actually we went to the theater together but he decided to see a different movie. I went and watched Benjamin Button and he enjoyed the fun of 3D animation film, Bolt. I don't know if it's me or if it's old age or if I expect to much but I was somewhat disappointed with the movie. I thought that Mr. Benjamin was a bit absorbed with himself and it behooved me that he didn't understand the racial consequences of his existence and the complexity of having a disability but then again he was aging backwards, I guess I can't ask for much more. I loved the character Queenie, who was loving and accepting. I never felt she got her just do but ain't that story of black women all over the planet. I thought I would want to read the actual story was I finished watching the movie but I think I'll wait and hopefully come away pleasantly surprised. The movie is long and it felt long after a while, the aging part was subtle and almost too subtle and I wanted to see the changes more acutely. But there I go demanding things I can't have or really don't need. In terms of performances, the only person who captured my attention consistently was Taraji Henson, she is a brilliant actor, she is amazing and she is an artist in the truest sense. I'm glad she's getting her due and I see that she is staring in several films right now, plus you can tell she's a really wonderful person to be around, her energy is contagious and her talent mind-blowing. I would love to make a movie with her starring in it, it would be a blessing to work with her. But as for the movie, it was touching and I didn't cry but I could see that several older white men were wiping tears from their eyes and in that instant, I erased anything negative I felt about the movie because if it could touch them then it had an accomplished a major goal, kudos. My son's movie got out earlier and he got a chance to watch the beginning of the movie in another theater, where he was able to sneak into. He had some beautiful questions from the hour or so he watched the film, he asked about the captain of the sailboat, he asked about the dog, he wondered if Benjamin went back to the brothel and with that question I told him I didn't have anything to discuss with him. He is 17, a virgin, sweet, innocent and I'm sure it is completely healthy for him to inquire but sexual stuff but I wasn't ready. I remember when I was watching the film and this part with the brothel, I recall saying to myself, thank goodness Jeremiah isn't in here or this scene might put some ideas in his head. So much for be thankful because he had a a chance to see the scene anyways and I know his head is spinning but what's inside his mind, i will never know. Why is it hard for me to see the essence of sexual behavior on my children's faces, I know that they are old enough to have, in the words of old folks, relations but they still seem like children plus I don't want their little hearts broken.
I want to protect my children from everything and I can't protect them from the simplest things. However, I do send up a prayer, a plea for their safety and well-being.
Okay, I'm wondering about my second guessing things, to do or not to do, I do this all the time and I wonder why I can't make up my mind or simply decide. I continue to have thoughts about my indecision and my inability to focus on my goals and objectives, what I want is to live my best life and engage in the activities of my heart. I kept dreaming last night about insignificant things and with each insignificant thing, I became frustrated not in any major way but I was consciously trying to move my dream into an area of more importance, this was strange and I ended up awake for an hour reading a book. It was a short story, really a novella in a book by J. California Cooper. She has a storytelling style that is evocative and engaging. She tells stories in ways that can be challenging and hard to embrace because at a certain level, the truth is, she is keeping it real. Her stories are reality TV on paper but without all the drama for the camera. Speaking of drama for the camera, I've often want to put her stories on film because I think they speak a truth that people will want to experience.
The grits are gone and I'm looking at this photo of myself when I was 9 or 10, I have on a plaid dress with the wide white collar, socks up to my knees, my legs are long, as they've always been. I have on glasses, glasses that in my adult life would discover that I never needed. my two pig tails and my smile is innocent, content yet wondering. That black pleather couch was my favorite piece of furniture, what I would do to have that couch again, it was comfy and it accommodated my long legs. i remember this time, my sister was either about to be born or my mother was pregnant with my sister, I remember wanting to know about my dad, I remember being beat up on the way home from school, I remember having a wonderful yard, I remember my friend Tara. Tara was white but she more black than I. She wished to be me, be black and have my nappy hair. I never understood because I never wanted to be anything but myself, I never had that desire to be white syndrome as my friends call it. What I had was a deep seated belief that I was entitled to be treated and respected like white people but I didn't need to be white to get what was rightfully my birthright. this brings me to the moment I found ambi under my brothers bed, of all the things i expected to find, I thought i would find drugs, alcohol, girly magazines or old derby cars, cards or something that boys played with, I was completely thrown back by the presence of those boxes of Ambi, the skin lightening cream. My brother's skin tone was the same as mine, I had found no issue with my color and couldn't understand why he did. It saddened me, it awaken in me the knowledge of black people who wanted to be white. I'm not sure where I got that fire to be myself. Also, I've been a person who isn't into mimicking others and in some classrooms, they tell you to mimick until you understand then you can create your own. I never liked that advice, I never took it either, I figured I had enough sense to create without mimicking. I think about this aspect of my character and realize how fortunate I was to have these understandings, yet this way of thinking was very counter culture and I was considered odd which made me feel disconnected from living. Thank goodness people came along and told me that I wasn't exactly odd and that I was ok.
Knock knees, oversized glasses, ambi cream, derby cars, brothels, long movies and day-to-day life. I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME.