Moving from Religion to Spirituality

It's a fine Sunday morning and the birds are asserting their voices with banter about the spring I suspect, I can't be for sure because I'm not into interpreting bird language but I can tell by the tone and inflections that their convo is weather related. I'm mentally preparing myself for the transition into summer and the temporary exodus of old man winter. Entering my car yesterday for a drive, it was steaming hot and that hadn't been the case since last summer, so the warmth of the leather seats felt amazing, my son complained and felt it was slightly unbearable but he was tolerant because he wanted a ride to his destination. I could appreciate the process of entering the car without the added tasks of cleaning off snow or warming the car.
This morning I awoke with the ease of another day to be lazy or at best do what I want. It is Sunday, I know that tons of people are preparing for their church ritual and I am planning a long walk with a moment to peak at the community garden plot that I am planning to utilize. What will I plant and how will I make time for a garden?
Although I am not focused on writing about birds and gardens this morning, nature has so much to do with the way in which I have transcended from religiosity to a more spiritual way of living. Gardening for instance has opened me up to the idea of seasons as more than just climatic changes but many of the changes that happen in a persons life. I feel the evolution from religion to spirituality is a seasonal change in that when I was young I needed religion as a basis for creating a healthy life but I discovered it was only the planting of seeds that would help to inform and shape. Growing up pentecostal seemed more like fall, a time when you pick up all the stuff that has grown over the summer and you get as much as you can because you may need to store it for winter.
The nature of pentecostal religion is rooted in a deep fear of God, a God that wants complete attention, much like that of a small child. A God with lots of rules that one must obey, a god that is critical of misbehavior and a spirit who has mercy and grace but reserved this gift to humans only in their death. What I learned most from my religious upbringing is that my goal in life is to simply settle for whatever may come, even if it is not to my liking but I must settle in a loving way, accepting my plight with good religious behavior and to withdraw from being a part of this world or being worldly. Yet I was feisty, head strong and adventurous and the church teachings didn't really fit me, I wasn't willing to settle for anything and everything that reeked of unfairness or critique or judgment sent me spinning, sent me questioning and sent me into a space where I became suspect of the hypocrisy within the church. I was such a rebel I stood up to the men, wondered why women had to take a back seat and when a minister told me that women were the backbone of the church I nearly choked him. I could see that women were smarter, women did all the work and women had to be one step behind the man, this didn't work for me considering I was being raised in a single parent home with a mother who not only worked but had a better job than most men and provided for us in ways that generally happened in two parent homes. My mother had more stamina than most men and I thought it was truly unfair for her to regarded with second class citizenship. What hurt me the most in church was the abusive preaching about homosexuals and yes I would consider it verbal abuse because the language was harsh and damaging. More than anything, to hurt people from the pulpit felt very unChristian and felt like ministers were taking advantage of their power. It used to annoy me when a minister would stray from his written sermon and start to preach, from what I refer to as the side of their neck, this meant that they were about to say the unthinkable and spew hurtful words in the name of God. It was a savvy trick, a way to vent, project and attempt to put certain people in their places, I never bought it, if anything I knew they were wrong and I gave them evil looks to make them think and wonder what they did wrong. The looks never changed their behavior but people did tippy toe around me because they never knew what question I might ask.
I found religion stifling, I found the holy ghost dance to be suspect especially when people joked about it. I don't really recall the spirit moving within me in some uncontrollable way but I do recall having a deep sense of presence come over me but it was couched in a religion that didn't allow me to really embrace the magnificence of the holy spirit within me, that's the sad part, if only if I was conditioned to hold onto that feeling of God on the inside, my life would of transpired differently.
Of course, growing up pentecostal wasn't all bad, there was the church family but I didn't really get to enjoy my church family because I lived in another city plus we were considered borderline rich which made no sense to me but I relished this having this imaginary elite status and used it to my advantage. I enjoyed the people and appreciated it when I was doted on and told that I was smart and had an amazing voice. I loved it when my mother purchased clothing or shoes that were stylish and when I would attend church, I was the first one to have something. I had a phase with clothing but I just as well wear some sweats and t-shirt now. Even at church I felt different and disconnected from the others. I tried to befriend them as best I could but their families were more steeply entrenched in the religion than my mother who was loose about it. She was loose in her personal behavior but she wasn't closed minded about every single thing and living in Ann Arbor where I was around lots of white people helped. She desired for us to fit in and engage in regular activities, much like our peers and sometimes that meant suspending certain religious rules to allow us to have a normal life, thank goodness.
I would summarize my religious teaching in this way, God created man and woman to make babies and live out the creed of marriage. There is no such thing as homosexuality because in the story about Sodom and Gomorrah, God burned the city down to make the point that certain behavior (homosexuality, Woodstock, drugs, alcohol, dancing, movies, arcades, parties, television or any other worldly things) was completely wrong and we as Christian are to not engage in these activities if we are to live a saved life and go to heaven. I learned there was the almighty God and the fallen angel the Devil complemented with the idea of heaven and hell. I would spend most of my childhood in terror around the notion of the devil and this place called hell. It didn't stop my inner spirit from seeking my own truth but I had many sleepless nights afraid of the devil appearing before me and many sleepless nights afraid I would die and go to the burning pits of hell because when you're a kid, you're not perfect, your exploring the world around you and this inevitable means you are going to do some things wrong. And people who do wrong, well they go to hell when they die and I was destined for hell.
To be continued
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!