February 17, 2009 @ 7:44am

Another tantalizing Tuesday and I'm terribly cold. My son has spent the last couple days away and it's been a shift to be without him. Of course I always tell him I can't wait until he moves out but deep down inside I miss him. I miss his company but I miss the way my house stays clean when he is at home. I guess I'm suffering from a bout of empty nest syndrome although not really since he'll be back this evening but it has made me realize how much I miss having my kids around, how they become so much of your world and then they are gone. And I wonder if it's being in the house alone or what that has me feeling all emotional.
I feel a sense of change happening, I feel a strong sense of goodness expanding within the parameters of my life. I'm still awe struck with the shear peace and joy and mindfulness I live with each day. The contentment has me in a holding pattern where I am able to really enjoy each moment, to see what is so spectacular about living. And to be just outside of the mayheim of the world. To be the light in the darkness and to experience the power of the holy spirit to be a force of greatness in my life. I am alright today, alright with missing the spirit presence of my son who is moody, not so neat or clean but full of wit, charm and old fashion loving warmth. He's like a big teddy bear. A bundle of unconditional love and friendship.
I feel so much better having taken time off from everything, I enjoy the ability to simply not do. I enjoy not running from one place to the other, I enjoy the way my phone isn't ringing with the demands of others. It's funny when I listened to a bunch of voice mail messages, all of which were people calling me for something, not one voice mail asked how I was and if I were doing okay, it was just a demand for more of my time, energy, or other kinds of resources. I hadn't realized how I was living in the giving until I drop mode but I too was guilty of requesting help or the time and energy of others. It was like a chess game of pawning off resources in exchange for other resources. But I called check mate in January when I put a stop to all the madness, all the energy being sucked right out of me and I put a stop to allowing myself to run on fumes.
Each day I love that I can take the moment to expell my thoughts onto the page and be present with the energy of a brand new morning. Before I would just awake to a list of things to do, a list of things I forgot to do for others and a list of things I needed to extract from others. That typoe of living felt empty, it felt void of the substance of life and it felt depleating. I'm steadily increasing the time I commit to meditation, to the stillness of God's infinite wisdom. I am finding I am so much more creative, my writing has gone into a space that I have never dreamed of, it's been slow but steady, I love the fact that I find myself constantly inspired by what I experience in a day. Thoughts come to me and I can see how to enfold that with my pages of fiction. It's no wonder I could never really finish anything or really write from a place of shear muse, my mind was too compacted with other stuff, stuff that as it stands in this very moment don't really mean that much to my life or at least the absence of these thoughts aren't hindering my current creativity.
The joy for me is the way I get to play with creativity. The trial and error of putting something on the page with a childlike innocence. Sometimes the stuff is good and sometimes it is not but what I have come to understand is that it's all good, I've just got to find the right project to put these creative impulses into. I think for so many years I was looking for stuff but didn't know what I was looking for, in terms of making my writing better. What I have uncovered in this time of quiet and self-love is that the stuff I'm looking for will simply come. I don't have to do anything, it is ever present and it shows up just at the moment when I need it too. I love it, I love this simplified living because it is full of so much awareness of things I didn't have time to pay attention to before because I was too busy doing stuff.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!!!