January 28, 2009 @ 7:22am

It's Wonderfully Wednesday and the official hump day. I've never been fond of this term because weekends feel more like a hump than the middle of the week, the hump is Saturday night when you realize that your weekend is half over and it's time to go back to work. The glory of getting to the weekend is far more exciting if you ask me.
I'm continuing to explore the four agreements and particularly the one about impeccability with words. I've watched myself and I notice that in life, for the sake of time and in the name of impatience, I just say things to move life along. If someone ask me how I'm doing, I say fine, good or okay and some of the time that is true but most of the time it is not. For example, I spent a day telling the truth about how I felt. On this specific day I felt wonderful, I was energized about learning that another piece of my writing was going to be published, another notch on my writers belt, I felt proud of myself. So as the day went along I responded to people who inquired about my well being with, "Wonderful" or "I feel absolutely great" or "I am so excited to be alive." Now I forgot how unusual it is for people to respond favorably to this common question. I feel as if we live in the culture where we compete for the title of who can be the better victim. I was challenged by most of the responses which included whatever drug you're on I want some or oh that's good but what meds did your doctor subscribe, I think I might need those or what tended to happen more than not was people who looked at me strange and then ran as far as they could from me very quickly. Or the victimologist who took this as an opportunity to tell me about all of their problems as if my joy put me in a place to resolve all of their issues. And no day is complete without something really special in it and this occurred when a woman on the bus said, "that's what I like to hear, the good news." And we smiled and shook our heads understangin one another across our differences and across our unfamiliarity with one another. I woudl depart the bus before her and I looked back, waved my hands and she placed her prayers under her chin with a slight bow of the head. I responded in kind and that was the moment when I understood why being impeccable and why words of truth can be the bridge that connects our spirits. I realized later on that each of the occurrences were full of life and each had the potential to create a path to connectedness as well. My job really was not to judge but be in the moment of the experience. When I would respond with a list of complaints that seemed like the perfect way to connect to people but what I discovered in time was that it was a superficial connection, we connected on weaknesses and with any weak link, it just doesn't hold up over time. That's not to say that everything I say has to be positive but it has to have earnest life force and not ego-based renditions of what I think life is doing to me. I'm here to live my life not have my life live me. It's not a control thing although most days I'm attempting to tamp down the control-freak in me, but it's more heart centered living where I say what the experience I am having without projecting my judgments on others or my expectations or my mental demands.
Being impeccable with my words for the most means that I will say nothing because in the moment I may not fully understand what I am feeling. All I know is that I'm feeling, I'm having a physical-emotional-psychological resonance of energy. If I do what I normally do which is base the moment on the past, I'll label it in the same ways I have before not giving myself a chance to grow in understanding. As I look at myself, look at what is going on for me, words become almost impossible to compose, impossible to use and words tend to lack the depth of articulation required to adequately convey what is. As a writer, I find that words frustrate me and they give me a launching pad, my prayer is to set one launching pad after another, sufficiently enough to link the knowing, link the essence of a character and to enlighten others about this thing called life. The more I just allow my words to be and not try to organize them in some systematic or socially appropriate phrase, I find the closer I get to the truth, a truth that keeps me alive, a truth that keeps in the light, a truth enfolded with love, a truth that is transcendant and a truth that is closer to the truth than ever before. It's the practice of meditation that draws me closer to silence, stillness and the truth. I don't believe that the truth hurts, that is not truth that is judgment laced with venom aimed at another person in the name of truth. Truth for the most part opens me up to the part of me that I've been hiding, I think it hurts to be open to myself but actually it's just different and once I get used to it, it becomes a place of contentment with a current of joy that needn't have outwardly expressions of happiness. It is the reason I can smile at a stranger who then internalizes my smile as my attempt to get something from him as oppose to what smiles were always meant to be, which is way to connect to oneness that is in all of us. I smile knowing I see myself in others, I see the goodness in others, I see the God-force in others and I see a complete and utter reflection of myself, I feel blessed.
Words, words, words, words are my world. Each day I write these fiction stories with a genuine desire to infuse words that heal, enlighten and that express the magnificience of love. Every now and then I come across moments of pain in a story and instead of running from it, which I used to be really good at, I let those moments live and carry the story to the other side because the other side is the ending with hope and inspiration. Last night I was writing and found that I wanted to claim this notion of having a writers block when suddenly I looked at the thought, viewed with compassion and realized that's just an old untrue thought that I took on and made a part of my idenity. I have a new idenity today, I have no identity at all, my only go is to be the full expression of human in each moment. I put the writers block thought somewhere to the side and picked up my mantra, just have fun, write whatever comes and who cares just go into the space of creativity, travel to the center of flow where the only thing matters is the story. And with that thought I placed pen to paper and rode the tide of flow, it was a delight, it was my moment.
Today's affirmation (www.scienceofmind.com): In this moment, I open myself to God. I choose to move beyond my comfort zone and step into all I can be. I release all negativity and accept that I am a powerful co-creator with Spirit. I am at peace.
I am perfect and I am whole and I am complete. I LOVE ME!